Ghosting

[Neil1973]

What are peoples views on ghosting?  I've had it done to me a couple of times and it pushes me off.

[Piggyybttmm]

It sucks but its apart of life, some guys love the idea of breeding and fantasize about it but when it comes time to do so arent exactly ready. Some guys need more time, its understandable

[tallslenderguy]

i think it's an internet thing that has evolved over time. There are no ghosts when people are face to face.  There are social boundaries that are easy to violate when separated by the ether. The ether makes for ethereal beings, eh?  It does show something about the person though. The person who is willing to ghost another is true to the name, without much substance. It's selfish and inconsiderate.

i think Gimmiethatload has a point too. There are guys who may be deeply closeted, who would never go to a gay bar or bathhouse or other place where he is exposed. But that same person is also pretty selfish and inconsiderate if his only intent is to lie and lead someone on so can masturbate. If that person is to shy or afraid or not ready to meet in person, they should be upfront about it. There are plenty of guys on a hookup site who are willing to just share fantasies online. Why lie and deceive?

[ErosWired]

3 hours ago, Gimmiethatload said:

It sucks but its apart of life, some guys love the idea of breeding and fantasize about it but when it comes time to do so arent exactly ready. Some guys need more time, its understandable

This behavior will continue to be a part of our culture as long as we shrug our shoulders and say, “That’s just part of it” - as long as we continue to tolerate and excuse it.

The reasons a man ghosts may be understandable, but they are not excusable. A man who ghosts is a liar, a coward, or both. It’s as simple as that. His word is valueless. He is at best spineless, at worst, deeply selfish and deceitful. And yes, if anyone reading this ghosts people, I’m talking about you.

If a man finds that he has committed himself to an action that he realizes he cannot, for whatever reason, follow through with, the honorable and correct course of action is to inform the other party and apologize for the inconvenience, recognizing that the other person’s time and needs also have value and importance. Not doing so signals that the offender is interested only in himself and has no consideration for the other person as a human being.

Men who troll the apps for titillation only to ghost the people they contact are a scourge of parasites infesting the networks. If there were any way to penalize the behavior, I would be 100% in favor of it.

Here’s a quick test: If you’ve ghosted someone, stand in front of a mirror and say aloud the words “I’m a dick.” Then wait for yourself to disappear like a ghost. If you can still see yourself in the mirror after a couple of minutes, you will have confirmation that you are, in fact, a dick.

[GarrettParker]

LOL with @ErosWired! 🙂 I think also that everyone became much more transactional online during the pandemic--in terms of teleworking, ordering groceries, everything.  Some of that attitude could have 'bled over' to hookup apps--either they leave them on too long, or make a connection, don't tell the other guy, or just chicken out. Agree completely that men who have balls should use them--to share seed and to say, "Sorry, I can't host you." 

Maybe we need to recruit ghosters for BZ--great convo streams, photos, stories, chat, etc. They'll see what a community exists for them--and that we have holes, meet, and semen to share as well!

[BootmanLA]

I think it depends in part on how you define the term "ghosting".

When I first heard the term, it seemed the agreed-upon meaning was something like 'ceasing contact and not responding to someone you'd met in person and had both indicated an interest in seeing one another again in the future.' With that as a definition, it seemed clear that ghosting was, indeed, bad behavior.

But it seems to have grown to include any gap in contact, no matter how little you've been communicating, even if that communication has strictly been through an app. And I think that's more weight than the word can carry.

TallSlenderGuy's point above about how there's no ghosts when people are face to face may be true in one sense, but consider: back in the bar cruising days, I'm sure at some point everyone hit on a guy for a while (or got hit on), realized you just weren't that interested in him, and wandered off to talk to others. People understood what that meant and didn't need a special term for it.

I'm sure there are some who think once you've expressed interest (or even potential interest) in someone online, you "owe" them some sort of closure if you change your mind (or worse, that having expressed interest, you're obliged to keep displaying that interest indefinitely). And I disagree. I've had guys flirt online, or flirt back, and then the conversation ends, and I understand that for whatever reason, he's not interested in further conversation, at least not now. And he's not obligated to do so. That - disappearing online and not conversing further - seems to be what a lot of complaints about "ghosting" seem to mean, and I just can't get worked up about that.

Of course, if you make plans to connect (IRL or online) at a specific time, and the other guy doesn't show, and never apologizes or explains why he couldn't show, then that's a bad thing. But that's being stood up, primarily; the ghosting is incidental and subsequent to that prior bad action.  (These are the situations ErosWired seems to be referencing, and I agree that it's crappy behavior, but it's more the standing up that bothers me.)

[BlackDude]

Ghosting is allowed and continues because it’s not punished. Too often guys ghost us, and if they are hot and we can make exceptions and go crawling back. Exchanging messages is one thing because no agreement has been made. The arrangements to pick up has been made, and the guy ghosts, they should be immediately blocked.

 

Recently had a guy who was totally my type hit me up online. We used to fool around but I got tired of his excuses “oh I’ll hit you back in a few” and never messaged me back or sorry “ I was in the mood right now I’m not.” I basically called him out on his flakiness and he never messaged me back, probably knowing he was guilty of ghosting. Do I want to hook up with him again? Hell yes, but I’m sorry my pride is more important and maybe it will save the next guy from the same treatment. 

[PigBoyDallas]

Maybe define what you mean by ghosting as it has many different meanings. If you mean ghosting by going silent on an app after chatting a while there’s a few reasons why. When I’m on an app I’m dead serious about hooking up and want to get to it. If a guy keeps chatting and it seems like he’s playing me or not serious about hooking up I move on. Sometimes another guy beats him to the punch. Usually I’ll let the guy know I found someone else but not always.

if by ghosting you mean not staying in touch with a guy after we’ve fucked there’s multiple reasons again. Maybe he wasn’t that good or we didn’t vibe. Some guys are assholes but I’ll take their load or load them, but it’s gonna be a “one and done” for me. Plus I don’t like guys who are too clingy or needy. I ghost them too.

[str8mature5]

I hate being ghosted it really pissess me off, They should say and do what they say. Not lead u up to a meeting then dissapear.

[fskn]

I think some people read far too much into "ghosting".

This social phenomenon has always existed. People used to give fake phone numbers, shunt calls to voice mail or, long ago, let the answering machine do the work. People would plan to meet and then not show up; before cell phones, there was no way to check where they were. Communication technology aside, friends and even lovers might drift apart, getting together less and less frequently until the relationship had effectively ended (but with no explicit declaration that it was over).

Rejection sucks, no matter how it's done. If desire is not mutual, or is no longer mutual, one person is bound to feel let down. There is no way around this, whether the interaction ends with blocking, with ghosting, with a declaration that the other person isn't interested or, worse yet, with a list of the other person's reasons (you're too old, too fat, too hairy, too short, too dark, your dick is too small, you're uncircumcised, your eyes are the wrong color, etc., etc.). The reasons are proper to the other person and, in most cases, have to do with characteristics that you couldn't change even if you wanted to.

I prefer to be blocked, immediately and without explanation, if someone isn't going to meet me or isn't going to meet me again. It's like an excision with a sharp scalpel in the hands of an expert surgeon: quick, with minimal bleeding and as little scarring as possible. It's much healthier for me to concentrate on getting to know someone new than to dwell on someone who isn't interested.

But ghosting also works fine for me. If I send a message and it's not answered, not answered reasonably promptly (within a day or two), or not answered with equivalent effort, the other person's intention is clear. For me, the psychologically healthy thing is to start moving on immediately.

And why would I waste time being upset with the other person? He's looking for what he wants, just as I am. I allow myself to be sad for a little while, and then I remind myself that there are 3.95 billion less 2 (him, and me) other men on the planet!

Recently I rediscovered "Man of My Dreams", an anthology of gay poetry and short stories that had been sitting on my bookshelf since my coming-out days in the 1990s. Part of my moving-on ritual if I'm ghosted by someone I was starting to like is to re-read Felice Picano's poem, "The Heart Has Its Reasons".

 

"Not because you didn't call.

I almost half expected that.

 

...

 

"No, not because you...

never gave me the chance to decide...

whether I'd take the risk of true love or illusion.

 

"But simply because

I straightened all day...

Did everything that was needed

if a guest like you was coming.

 

"Did, in short, what could wait,

For that I could never forgive you."

 

It's proof that ghosting has existed at least since 1977.
 

[Apologies for the spaces between lines in the same stanza. I didn't see any way to do block formatting. I put a double line break to separate stanzas. For fair use, I quoted only part of the poem.]

[pervinmt]

Timely that I came across this as I myself have just been ghosted. We hadn't yet made definitive plans to meet, but lots of texting, discussions and "promises" to meet very soon. It's especially frustrating considering where I live, as you can imagine there are very few people into the wilder aspects of sex around here (and four hours away isn't really that far) so to think you're actually connecting with someone to have them just stop communicating does sting. I suppose I should know by know though not to believe a tweaker.

But it still sucks.