Scared - Extreme anxiety

[Guest]

4 hours ago, BareLover666 said:

This is NOT a medical website and any suggestions about anti-anxiety medications e.g. should be taken with a truckload of salt.

Actually this goes for advice about seeing or not seeing therapists and which ones as well.

 

[speedo21]

On 7/26/2021 at 6:02 AM, FreakedOut said:

Hi,
thank you for letting me post this here.
I am taking PrEP daily for the last two years. I started after having an instance of receptive anal sex where I blacked out because of alcohol + weed and not knowing if the guy had used a condom. This led to a month of PEP, after which I started PrEP.
I have been all my life terrified about the idea of contracting HIV and this had a huge impact on the sex I allowed myself to have. Particularly, condomless sex was completely out of the question.
After starting PrEP, I slowly reached the conclusion that I would still use condoms, except with a guy I know for some time and with an occasional hot guy I could bump into with whom, due to the great efficacy of PrEP, I would allow myself to live some breeding fantasies I always had.
This happened a month ago. I met this guy I thought was so hot, and getting laid was so easy. We did some drugs and I was very uninhibited. I didn't like some bumps and scars I saw on his face, but I thought that was prejudiced of me and disregarded the matter.
He fucked me bare. First, he came outside and I drank his cum. Then he came in my ass.
The next morning, I took my PrEP as always and went to sleep. But then I couldn't sleep thinking of what I had done and I began to feel anxious. I went to his apartment and asked him to take a rapid HIV test, which resulted positive. He said he didn't know, and obviously, he is not in treatment.
I freaked out.
I ran to the emergency room in the city hospital and asked them if I should do anything. There was no doctor present (Sunday) but a nurse connected me with a doctor on the phone. This doctor told me to start PEP. Since I was already taking PrEP, this meant for me to add two Isentress pills to my daily regimen.
I ended the 28-day course yesterday.
I am still panicking, especially because the doctor told me I cannot test with a NAT test until two weeks after ending PEP and with an antibodies-antigen test SIX WEEKS after ending PEP.
I can barely do anything productive these days.
Can anyone help me?
Thank you

You need to release your fears.  Until then I don't think anybody can help you.

 

 

[FreakedOut]

On 8/13/2021 at 1:11 PM, BareLover666 said:

 

Totally agree @canail.

 

Like I said earlier: Rationally and objectively you did the best thing you could do @FreakedOut.
And you are not - nor will you be - the last man to do something they regret after getting drunk or having taken some kind of drugs. Boys will be boys... So welcome to the human race my friend.

Actually I didn't read anything anxious in how you reacted nor in your actions. In fact you took responsibility for your own actions. Sounds more like you're growing up into an adult than anything else.

Perhaps that hardcore old-school Freudian therapist of yours is helping you, and you don't even realise it yourself.
And if not you're doing it all on your own. Perhaps you could tell him how disappointed you are in him or her, and why, though.
And if you're feeling uneasy about talking about your childhood to that therapist, perhaps that is exactly what you should be doing. 

I deeply feel in the US especially but with us in Europe more and more as well, we tend to look for answers to life questions in pills. Personally I do not believe in quick fixes.
And if anyone suggests medication, that person should be a doctor of medicine, after you tell him or her your symptoms and in what situation you experienced them, in person and in the context of a medica consultation.

This is NOT a medical website and any suggestions about anti-anxiety medications e.g. should be taken with a truckload of salt.
And actually in a lot of situations some amount of negative feelings like depression or anxiety are normal and a part of life.

 

Only if you experience them for no apparent logical reason it might be a medical condition, or should be investigated further.

 

Perhaps what you are being confronted with @FreakedOut is that in this world nobody - not your brother, not your therapist and not society as a whole - is interested in who you have sex with. None of them gives a rat's ass behind (sorry @drscorpio, please don't ban me from posting and messaging again... 😈) about you being afraid of getting HIV because for whatever reason you schose to start barebacking.

So what you could do is:
- Being bisexual not fuck with dudes. Or chose to not fuck at all;
- Use condoms when you do. These give a good protection against HIV, and a decent (but not 100 % by a long shot) protection against other STD's;
- Use PrEP as an extra (and almost full-proof) protection against HIV. Be it it will not protect you from other STD's at all.

Some people only have sex with one person and if you are absolutely sure about that one monogamous sexual partner will not have sex with anyone else, you will be safe. But you can never be certain of that fact and that would place your own responsibly for you own health on your partner. And it's yours, not theirs.

And furthermore you've already come to your own conclusion that you don't want to use drugs around dating.
As when people are drunk they also 'forget' to use condoms, you might want to realise that you should not drink alcohol then either. Actually alcohol - in a medical viewpoint - is considered one of the toughest hard-drugs as well, ranking right up there somewhere around cocaine.

 

Personally I don't believe ANYONE (no man or woman nor whatever gender-identity one feels happy with) in this whole wide world succeeds in doing these things all of the time.... But I wish you luck.

Perhaps you will be the first 'man on Mars' so to speak.

On a personal note I'm fucking jealous of you living in Germany, like gay and bisexual men living in the UK, the US and Belgium, because where you live (as far as I know) PrEP is covered by the medical plans/insurance.

So you should be safe against acquiring HIV (which can progress to AIDS) and it doesn't cost you one dime.

 

So @FreakedOut knowing all of this, have you any idea why you where so terribly afraid about getting HIV?

It's manageable these days, and in Germany like the rest of Europe the medication will be paid for. So you will not get AIDS if you find out and get the medical help that is available to you.

 

Sorry if I ranted a bit.

Hi, sorry if I can't reply to everyone, this site limits how many posts new members can write.

You're mostly right, @BareLover666. When I began taking PrEP i was proud of my decision and my determination to strictly adhere to regimen to prevent catching a disease that had paralyzed me for most of my sexual life - and mostly alienated me from my bisexual side and even haunted me while being with women. For the first time I felt I wasn't required to control condoms for integrity every 30 seconds, that I could definitely forget any risk whatsoever coming from giving oral. It was the definitive extra layer of protection. And as I said before, this revolutionary calming effect lasted for quite some time. Until I made the mistake of stepping out of my comfort zone and not investigating more on the status of a total stranger without having strong reasons to believe he might be negative (actually I had strong signs of physical decay and coinfection that indicated the contrary, and later confirmed with a test). All this terrorized me afterwards. But as you say, it won't be the last time I regret doing something under the influence. I just hope next time I do less potentially harmlful things like running a red light on a deserted street or verbally abusing someone.

Oh, I will tell the a**hole of therapist I have how dissapointed I am in him. Now I have the strenght, I will. To me, he is as negligent and incompetent as a witch doctor offering the cure for HIV (actually, I've seen this on facebook). Session after session he contemplated impassively how I progressed to a state of total alienation, neglect of my duties and physical care, malnutrition, paranoia and helplessness. I never suffered so much emotionally as the last one and a half monts. I breathed but I was dead inside. And he, who was hired to help me improve my mental health, just watched the storm pass by from his armchair. I might even sue him for negligence. He's a public danger and should be removed from the practice of therapy.

And this has no relation to him asking me about my childhood. I am 100% open and frank with my therapists and happy to discuss whatever they think is relevant. I have long experience as patient in psychoanalitical therapy - talking about anything with them - including childhood traumas, sexual life, drug use or whatever sensitive area you could imagine. My grievance with him is that he did not react when he saw me going through a life-threatening crisis.

I strongly distrust any medication will help me significantly improve my mental health. I am aware this is the normal approach in the US, they just stuff you with antidepressants, sedatives and anxiety medication. This solves nothing - altough a good old benzodiazepine would've possibly helped me get a grip on myself during the worst days of this last crisis.  But don't worry. I would never follow the medical advice I find on this - or any - site.

@BareLover666, about your assertion that "... nobody [...] is interested in who you have sex with. None of them gives a rat's ass behind [...] about you being afraid of getting HIV because for whatever reason you schose to start barebacking." you are quite misguided.

Barebacking doesn't need to be risky anymore. Not since there is PrEP and U=U. You are surely informed that PrEP's rate of efficacy is well over that of condoms, and that undetectable poz folks on effective ART do not transmit. I never consented to risk for HIV, and I never will.

About your suggestions for the future. I will go on daily PrEP, possibly forever. I will not give up dudes. Maybe random ones on hook up apps, but who knows. Yes, I will go back to using more condoms with some of them. And I will try to get immunized against HepA-B and HPV, if possible.  After some more mindful selection, I will continue on the pleasures of barebacking. And no heavy drugs (= nothing above the occasional joint). I barely drink any alcohol.

Of course I do not trust on the faithfulness of a "monogamous" partner. I was once one of those and cheated very often (albeit always with condoms).

Why jelous of Germany? Isn't the dutch health system good? I would have believed so ...

I do not want to go too much into details as to why I am so afraid of catching HIV. I am happy that at present times there is treatment and it is as you say "manageable". But it is no pic-nic either. I know on this site there are tons of guys that trivialize catching it, making it even seem fun, or hot. I know for a fact it is not. And have read posts of poz people attesting to this. If you have any of such phantasies, please keep them to yourself. I am participating in an area (PrEP) which assumes parties have no intention of catching this chronic and life-threatening condition. I have already enough worries with all the rest of possible diseases.

About my brother's reaction to my coming out: he was absolutely neutral. Like he didn't give a d_mn. It was the best for me. He even told me he had experience in sex with other men, but was not his thing really.

Drugs I used: I mentioned weed. I snorted some cocaine too that one time. Mostly by pressure of this guy. Won't happen again. I don't even enjoy it.

The sex was great at that moment (before the onset of regret and fear). Well, at least I have that. But I hate so much this guy for misrepresenting his status and myself for my overconfidence that I rather forget it all.

@Bruce999 PrEP is NOT a condom. A condom is a physical barrier, invented centuries ago, to keep the sperm away. PrEP is a wonder of biochemisty, engineered to microscopically trick the HIV virus into trying to replicate using faulty building blocks (and that's as far as my layman's explanation can go). In terms of efficacy, it is way better than a condom and we can only hope it gets better with time - for example with injectable PrEP every other month (no more having to remember taking a daily pill).

@ErosWiredthanks for the advice. I know CBT and although I am not a very big fan of its limited approach to the human psyche, I must say that it would have worked far better than my present therapy. I used to do EMDR whith my previous - and now retired - therapist. It addresses areas CBT is not equipped to reach (the unconscious).

There are several estimations of risk per incident, and those you have given seem a bit optimistic. Take a look at the CDC's risk estimator for more up-to date numbers. But as we discussed already, there is a limit to what rational processing of information can do to help with anxiety. I knew for a fact risk was low - possibly close to nill. But the skinny purple frightened guy (did you watch Pixar's "Inside Out"?) wouldn't get the message.

Thanks for reading and for caring,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, FreakedOut said:

Hi, sorry if I can't reply to everyone, this site limits how many posts new members can write.

You're mostly right, @BareLover666. When I began taking PrEP i was proud of my decision and my determination to strictly adhere to regimen to prevent catching a disease that had paralyzed me for most of my sexual life - and mostly alienated me from my bisexual side and even haunted me while being with women. For the first time I felt I wasn't required to control condoms for integrity every 30 seconds, that I could definitely forget any risk whatsoever coming from giving oral. It was the definitive extra layer of protection. And as I said before, this revolutionary calming effect lasted for quite some time. Until I made the mistake of stepping out of my comfort zone and not investigating more on the status of a total stranger without having strong reasons to believe he might be negative (actually I had strong signs of physical decay and coinfection that indicated the contrary, and later confirmed with a test). All this terrorized me afterwards. But as you say, it won't be the last time I regret doing something under the influence. I just hope next time I do less potentially harmlful things like running a red light on a deserted street or verbally abusing someone.

Oh, I will tell the a**hole of therapist I have how dissapointed I am in him. Now I have the strenght, I will. To me, he is as negligent and incompetent as a witch doctor offering the cure for HIV (actually, I've seen this on facebook). Session after session he contemplated impassively how I progressed to a state of total alienation, neglect of my duties and physical care, malnutrition, paranoia and helplessness. I never suffered so much emotionally as the last one and a half monts. I breathed but I was dead inside. And he, who was hired to help me improve my mental health, just watched the storm pass by from his armchair. I might even sue him for negligence. He's a public danger and should be removed from the practice of therapy.

And this has no relation to him asking me about my childhood. I am 100% open and frank with my therapists and happy to discuss whatever they think is relevant. I have long experience as patient in psychoanalitical therapy - talking about anything with them - including childhood traumas, sexual life, drug use or whatever sensitive area you could imagine. My grievance with him is that he did not react when he saw me going through a life-threatening crisis.

I strongly distrust any medication will help me significantly improve my mental health. I am aware this is the normal approach in the US, they just stuff you with antidepressants, sedatives and anxiety medication. This solves nothing - altough a good old benzodiazepine would've possibly helped me get a grip on myself during the worst days of this last crisis.  But don't worry. I would never follow the medical advice I find on this - or any - site.

@BareLover666, about your assertion that "... nobody [...] is interested in who you have sex with. None of them gives a rat's ass behind [...] about you being afraid of getting HIV because for whatever reason you schose to start barebacking." you are quite misguided.

Barebacking doesn't need to be risky anymore. Not since there is PrEP and U=U. You are surely informed that PrEP's rate of efficacy is well over that of condoms, and that undetectable poz folks on effective ART do not transmit. I never consented to risk for HIV, and I never will.

About your suggestions for the future. I will go on daily PrEP, possibly forever. I will not give up dudes. Maybe random ones on hook up apps, but who knows. Yes, I will go back to using more condoms with some of them. And I will try to get immunized against HepA-B and HPV, if possible.  After some more mindful selection, I will continue on the pleasures of barebacking. And no heavy drugs (= nothing above the occasional joint). I barely drink any alcohol.

Of course I do not trust on the faithfulness of a "monogamous" partner. I was once one of those and cheated very often (albeit always with condoms).

Why jelous of Germany? Isn't the dutch health system good? I would have believed so ...

I do not want to go too much into details as to why I am so afraid of catching HIV. I am happy that at present times there is treatment and it is as you say "manageable". But it is no pic-nic either. I know on this site there are tons of guys that trivialize catching it, making it even seem fun, or hot. I know for a fact it is not. And have read posts of poz people attesting to this. If you have any of such phantasies, please keep them to yourself. I am participating in an area (PrEP) which assumes parties have no intention of catching this chronic and life-threatening condition. I have already enough worries with all the rest of possible diseases.

About my brother's reaction to my coming out: he was absolutely neutral. Like he didn't give a d_mn. It was the best for me. He even told me he had experience in sex with other men, but was not his thing really.

Drugs I used: I mentioned weed. I snorted some cocaine too that one time. Mostly by pressure of this guy. Won't happen again. I don't even enjoy it.

The sex was great at that moment (before the onset of regret and fear). Well, at least I have that. But I hate so much this guy for misrepresenting his status and myself for my overconfidence that I rather forget it all.

@Bruce999 PrEP is NOT a condom. A condom is a physical barrier, invented centuries ago, to keep the sperm away. PrEP is a wonder of biochemisty, engineered to microscopically trick the HIV virus into trying to replicate using faulty building blocks (and that's as far as my layman's explanation can go). In terms of efficacy, it is way better than a condom and we can only hope it gets better with time - for example with injectable PrEP every other month (no more having to remember taking a daily pill).

@ErosWiredthanks for the advice. I know CBT and although I am not a very big fan of its limited approach to the human psyche, I must say that it would have worked far better than my present therapy. I used to do EMDR whith my previous - and now retired - therapist. It addresses areas CBT is not equipped to reach (the unconscious).

There are several estimations of risk per incident, and those you have given seem a bit optimistic. Take a look at the CDC's risk estimator for more up-to date numbers. But as we discussed already, there is a limit to what rational processing of information can do to help with anxiety. I knew for a fact risk was low - possibly close to nill. But the skinny purple frightened guy (did you watch Pixar's "Inside Out"?) wouldn't get the message.

Thanks for reading and for caring,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow...

Listen to yourself taking action and responsibility for yourself and your own health!
And telling me off about how misguided I am. 

This sounds nothing like the fellow member of this site who was paralysed with fear and anxiety in your first post.

 

If I was your father, I'd be fucking PROUD of you !!

 

[Guest]

"I teach this sh*t, I didn't say I know how to do it" 😉

(as of 3:43)

 

Getting pIssed off is a great way to combat fears don't you think?

If you need someone to p*ss you off even more, I'm here for you bruh.

Edited August 14, 2021 by Guest

[ErosWired]

3 hours ago, FreakedOut said:

I strongly distrust any medication will help me significantly improve my mental health. I am aware this is the normal approach in the US, they just stuff you with antidepressants, sedatives and anxiety medication.

In fact, the gold standard for treatment of depression, anxiety, and related diagnoses in the United States is the combination of both medication and therapy. As a veteran of more than 20 years of psychotherapy, part in isolation and part in combination with medication, I can attest to the efficacy of the combined approach. I am also a moderator on a mental health peer-support forum that has been in service for 15 years, and we strongly advocate that our members avail themselves of both.

The risk estimates I quoted are indeed just that, estimates, based on the results of diverse studies done at different times using differing methodologies to measure different cohorts for differing periods of time. The estimate is always going to be fluid. I tried to provide mid-range estimates based on the most current publicly published guidance from trusted agencies and institutions (not just the CDC). In the case of condoms, there are in fact no precise quantitative estimates available because of the difficulty in accurately measuring their use; I provided the straight average of the best available estimates, which authorities acknowledge are likely underestimates of effectiveness - i.e., not optimistic. Regardless of whatever margin of error may be at quibble here, all authorities agree that ART and PrEP taken as directed are excellent deterrents against HIV infection, and reduce risk well into the single digits percentage. Which is even better than the very best estimate for condoms. Which is why, given your use of PrEP, excessive anxiety is unnecessary. Which was my entire point. (I might add, if you believe you tend to catastrophize, why would you trust your own notion that the estimates are optimistic? Always consult multiple sources.)

But I understand as well that the uncontrolled thought processes that occur during periods of anxiety don’t necessarily respond to ordinary attempts at self-reassurance. That’s the reason I suggested CBT - it’s not a cure-all, and it’s not for every mindset, but many find that it provides a valuable skill set for cognitively leveraging reason against the irrational effects of disordered thinking. But if it doesn’t work for you, you do you.

By the way, you don’t have to do this:

“a**hole” ... “d_mn”

I mean, I appreciate you being genteel, but this is Breedingzone. You can say ‘asshole’ and ‘damn’ here. You can even say ‘fuck’. Perhaps a tiny step toward overcoming the anxiety you feel about sexual encounters might be to give yourself permission to speak about it without your internal censor bleeping your words. Shedding that small concern might be a stepping stone to shedding larger concerns.

 I wish I had a dollar for ever time someone has typed ‘fuck’ on this forum...

Edited August 14, 2021 by ErosWired

[Guest]

2 hours ago, ErosWired said:

y the way, you don’t have to do this:

“a**hole” ... “d_mn”

I mean, I appreciate you being genteel, but this is Breedingzone. You can say ‘asshole’ and ‘damn’ here. You can even say ‘fuck’. Perhaps a tiny step toward overcoming the anxiety you feel about sexual encounters might be to give yourself permission to speak about it without your internal censor bleeping your words. Shedding that small concern might be a stepping stone to shedding larger concerns.

I would advise not to refer someone else's mouth with the combination of the words 'trap' and 'hole' as that might get you banned from posting or messaging for 14 days.

True and fairly recent story....

[ErosWired]

57 minutes ago, BareLover666 said:

I would advise not to refer someone else's mouth with the combination of the words 'trap' and 'hole' as that might get you banned from posting or messaging for 14 days.

True and fairly recent story....

That’s not cryptic at all...

 I have no idea what incident you may be alluding to, but the practice of the moderators of this site seems to be to address undesirable words by using a filter to replace them with [banned word]. It’s a practice I find disagreeable as an impediment to precision of expression, but I fully understand the site owner’s reasons and respect his right to impose the limits.

Aside from outright forbidden topics whose prohibition is clearly posted, I’ve not heard of someone getting the axe simply for writing naughty words... unless they were being used to insult someone. To say “my asshole is sore” is quite different than saying to someone,“you asshole”.

I do not censor my own vocabulary here, and am sometimes mildly surprised to find a perfectly sensibly utterance of mine in the Queen’s English obscured as a [banned word], but I find that if one stays reasonably within the bounds of the acceptable topics, posts in the proper places, and remains civil, one can largely speak one’s mind here.

[Guest]

I’ve been on Prep two years and I was so anxious and nervous that I nearly fainted at the initial blood test ! Never happened before or since that day !

Took me a good six months to take a raw load doubting how it could protect me.  Never forget the feeling of cum running out my hole down my leg that first time and since getting tested every quarter all clear after being fucked raw heaps of times, and now I’ve had the best sex in years. Uninhibited hot raw sex with no worry, I briefly wanted to stop it all recently but realised it’s my duty, take cum in me and be that dirty slut I’m meant to be.

[Mcv69]

Get on Prep and stay of the crystal pistol if you are so paranoid. Coming on to breeding zone probably isn’t a good idea either considering this is a forum we’re most men don’t give a damn about raw sex and consequences. Good luck. Personally I don’t think you should worry

[chargedodger]

Fear is best dealt with by moving further INTO activities that bring it about.Fear can stoke excitement to a higher pitch,perhaps telling us we are moving in the RIGHT direction.