Partner doesn’t let me top him

[Guest]

So I’m versatile and have a large cock  and my partner has talked about the big cocks he has taken on the past  but he won’t let me top him - he says how much he wants it and yet when we go to it - he really does nothing to help but rather hinder it - when he is not “sober” he makes strange comments and says he doesn’t want to loose me and get emotional - but never tells me anything - 

Now when  we play with others he has let other men both known and strangers top him and he like me is truly versatile - I’m at a loss we have a wonderful relationship - but this is hard to deal with ? Any advice? Any insight? 

[GarrettParker]

You expressed your feelings very well to us. Have you shared your feelings (maybe even a bit more detailed) with him? Like, "You tell me you want me to fuck you, but every time we try you tighten up. With other guys, though, your ass seems to have no trouble taking dick. I feel confused by this. We talk about everything else. Can we talk about this too?"

 

[ejaculaTe]

Armchair psychology is always risky. My guess - unencumbered by the thought process - is that you topping him would represent his loss of control. Another guess, suggested by your description of what he says, is that he’s afraid you won’t find him sexually satisfying, thus leading to your leaving him.

[ErosWired]

This calls for communication. Nothing else will do. Drag the thing out in the open (no, not that thing—the topic) and discuss it frankly and honestly. Do this when he is sober, and at a time when you are close and comfortable together but not during physical intimacy, when he could use the sexual activity at hand to change the subject.

You say he won’t let you Top him, and you say he says how much he wants it, but you don’t mention how much you’ve made it clear to him that you want it. If your approach so far has given him the impression that you’re up for it but could take it or leave it, try being direct and blunt:

You’ve never let me Top you and I really want to.

Be careful not to cause him to feel guilty for not doing so before. If he hesitates, resists, or deflects, stand your ground. Explain that this is important to you, but even more important to you is your relationship with him, knowing if something is troubling him that you can make right.

Without knowing a great deal more about the parties involved, I wouldn’t be as willing to go as far with speculative motivations as @ejaculaTe has above, but I would say that the fact that he is actively vers with others narrows the range of potential issues to something to do with you and/or your relationship in particular.

You do not say how long you’ve been in this relationship, only that it’s wonderful - yet there seems to be an underlying issue, on his part. Dig for it until you uproot it, lest it turn out to be something that grows to separate the two of you over time.

[Guest]

I’m sorry I was not as clear - I have expressed this with him and he gets angry ( not crazy or anything ) but says he does want me to and  that he is not doing anything to prevent it - but especially when not sober  ( think train ride )he says weird things and most definitely is not cooperative - it is making me think a few things like  control , respect- some other things and he denies it - 

and yes he does know I really want to but he doesn’t want me to top other guys as well until I top him  - a bit of a moving carrot on stick - now I have briefly topped him and it was fun but I’m not sure what to make of this we are great sexually otherwise and very happy 

thank you all so much for the responses 

Edited August 22, 2021 by HairyJake

[BootmanLA]

2 hours ago, HairyJake said:

I’m sorry I was not as clear - I have expressed this with him and he gets angry ( not crazy or anything ) but says he does want me to and  that he is not doing anything to prevent it - but especially when not sober  ( think train ride )he says weird things and most definitely is not cooperative - it is making me think a few things like  control , respect- some other things and he denies it - 

and yes he does know I really want to but he doesn’t want me to top other guys as well until I top him  - a bit of a moving carrot on stick - now I have briefly topped him and it was fun but I’m not sure what to make of this we are great sexually otherwise and very happy 

thank you all so much for the responses 

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think the problem lies in the words 'when not sober'. Sex with people who can't manage themselves "on substances" is always tricky. Substances either mask over existing issues, or drag them out front and center and exacerbate them in ways that the substance user won't recognize when he's sober.

So let's look at this:

You're versatile. You want to top because you don't get to very much. He claims he wants you to top him, but then won't cooperate (and won't do it while sober so you can work out whatever's wrong). He also doesn't want you to top anyone else until he tops you, which he won't let you do.

So you have to decide: he pretty clearly doesn't want you topping, period. He won't do what's necessary for him to be able to take you, and he won't let you top others until this non-existent, not-going-to-happen topping HIM occurs first.

Can you live with that? If so, accept that you are versatile by nature but committed to bottoming in this relationship forever. (If he changes, great, but you can't ever, EVER assume he's going to change).

If you can't live with that - then you have to decide whether to pretend to be satisfied in the relationship with all the other good things - whatever they are - and discreetly top elsewhere with other people, in order to maintain your sanity. But if you do, understand that you'll probably, at some point, get caught.  Or else the sneaking around and so forth will take enough of a toll on the relationship that it's no longer worth it.

Or you can leave him.

Those, basically, are your choices. Figure out which way forward works best for you, but none of them are "I just know there's a way to make him change".

[ErosWired]

Your update changes the outlook a bit. It now sounds like an issue of control, jealousy, insecurity, or some combination thereof. To say “You can’t Top anyone else until you Top me and I’m going to decide when (if) you Top me” is the same as saying “I’m going to decide whether you ever get to Top anyone at all.” Which is the same as saying he plans to keep you as a bottom until he decides otherwise. Which may be never.

I will say this next thing very cautiously, because sometimes the worst thing you can do is to suggest to sow a seed of discontent in an otherwise happy person. Take it only as something to consider alongside the good things the two of you have going.

You describe your relationship as wonderful, but your narrative contains clues of potential discord that you may be either overlooking or dismissing because you don’t want to confront them. I fear you will not be able to leave them unaddressed indefinitely. You have an unmet need, and the longer it goes unmet, the more discontented you will become until discontent turns eventually into anger, sadness, apathy or resentment - any of which could spell trouble for your relationship.

That he reacts with anger suggests he feels threatened in some way. I can’t begin to speculate on his underlying psychology - I don’t know a thing about him - but how you deal with his anger (in general) is going to make a big difference in how this resolves. If he is the sort of person who is accustomed to getting his way by making noise and acting out, you’ll have to decide how much of that you plan to put up with. You’ll also have to decide how much you’re willing to be controlled, make it crystal clear where the line is drawn, and never back down from that line one inch if (when) he tests it.

 I’m afraid it sounds like you’re going to have to insist on some parity in the relationship when it comes to the matters in question, and obtaining it may make for some uncomfortable moments. Ultimately, though, your relationship will likely be much healthier for it - or else you will discover that things are not at all as rosy as you thought they were.

Good luck.

[Guest]

Thank You all so much for the advice I sincerely appreciate it - he is a great person ? does a lot for me and I believe truly loves me and sexually has been  the best partner/boyfriend I have ever had -,and yes has a jealous streak a he  can be very controlling. 

I also think something may be going on as well - I know the substances may raise issues but he does them  often and is fine letting other men top him . With me it’s like a switch goes off and he starts talking about things that make no sense and to me as if I’m not me and he gets ready to tell me why he won’t let me fuck  and stops short then realizes it’s me and hits the gear in reverse - and backs into a damage control mode.
 

 He once told me he didn’t love me - in this odd get out of here crinkle on his face ….Another time he started to say he didn’t want to loose me and he was afraid to tell me why I couldn’t top him ? - when he refused again one night but he came to and said he high and to ignore him . 

 

He does love sucking on my cock swallowing my cum and his tongue and mouth spend a lot of time in my ass and he fucks and breeds me almost daily and I’ve seen him take cock linn m e a champ so it really is a moral killer he.  I’ve attached sone cock pics 

Edited August 23, 2021 by HairyJake

[tallslenderguy]

Reading through this stuff (and it seems like i am stating the obvious here?);  your partner is hiding the reason he will not let you top him because he is afraid if he reveals the reason why, he may lose you. So it sort of seems up for grabs. Since you do not know the reason, you cannot really assure him that he will not lose you if you know why he will not let you top him. On the other hand, it seems he will not divulge the reason because of his fear. His fear is what seems central to me? Once his fear is overcome, you will at least know the reason why, but that does not guarantee you will be topping him? Sounds to me like a relationship counselor might help matters. 

[FunCheerSlut]

4 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

Reading through this stuff (and it seems like i am stating the obvious here?);  your partner is hiding the reason he will not let you top him because he is afraid if he reveals the reason why, he may lose you. So it sort of seems up for grabs. Since you do not know the reason, you cannot really assure him that he will not lose you if you know why he will not let you top him. On the other hand, it seems he will not divulge the reason because of his fear. His fear is what seems central to me? Once his fear is overcome, you will at least know the reason why, but that does not guarantee you will be topping him? Sounds to me like a relationship counselor might help matters. 

This makes the most sense to me too. The only "quasi-acceptable" excuse I would believe is that your partner generally does NOT bottom and he does NOT let anyone fuck him including you. Since we know that is not the case here; the double-standard is what I find most troublesome in this scenario. Which is at the centre of your partner's unstated fears. A 3rd party might provide a path towards resolution; otherwise, it sounds like you are "stuck".

[chi4loads]

My 2 cents worth...   This really isn't a good relationship.  He has substance, jealousy and control issues that you don't seem to like.  My take is he can be a "great person", but many times he isn't.   You "believe truly loves me" but then he's made comments telling you he doesn't.   While he "has been  the best partner/boyfriend I have ever had", that doesn't mean that there isn't someone else out there that can be even AND fill the voids your bf is actively avoiding.   Maybe a short break might get him to realize what would happen if you really did walk away.    Not knowing your living arrangements, that might be difficult (i.e. find a new place to live) but a short or infinitely long break is best imho.  

[Guest]

Thank You all for the replies - I truly appreciate them 

So lately he has made it more about him topping and me bottoming and although it’s still great sex- it feels deliberate on his part - so I  going to bring it up again and then have talked to a relationship counselor and will say we need to talk to them —as of now it seems something is up - who knows maybe someone else ? Maybe something from left  field - but whatever it is . It doesn’t feel right - for what  is supposed to be and that’s a problem. 
 
But what does feel right is the advice I got here!  Thank You 

[akula]

Find a good sex therapist, they know what they are doing the rest of us are just guessing.