Advice on hooking up with a much younger guy (legal)

[polyglutton]

Hi all. I don't post much on here but I do read a lot. 
 

I'm 42 and started having sex at 22. I have always been interested in sex with guys my age or older. I avoided men younger than me for a few reasons, but when I lived in a college town in the Bay Area 5-12 years ago, I eventually broadened my range to guys up to 13 years younger. These college guys were so confident and assertive that I eventually gave in. Glad I did!

5 years ago I moved to am isolated, rural place for my job. Mainly because of the isolation and small number of possible sex partners, I've had very little sex. The last two years of strict covid shielding due to multiple comorbiditied has meant I've not had sex. I have a strong libido and it definitely has been depressing for me. 

On grindr the closest guys are 10-15 miles away and few of them are into bears. Today I got messaged by a 16 year old who lives a mile away who was really keen to fuck. Initially I said no but then he told me that the age of consent in this state is 16 and that he's turning 17 soon. 

I have never been with a guy younger than 22 and as I've gotten older my age limit keeps moving up with me because of maturity issues, even just friendship. 

I am only interested in sex, and the mutual sexual attraction seems strong but I have a lot of concerns. He is either pretty inexperienced or is actually a virgin and while I know that is a turn-on to some, I feel weird about that. 

I never thought I'd be considering hooking up with a guy this age, but I would really like to have a regular fuck buddy and he does too. I worry about someone this age making an unhealthy attachment. The most I can offer is a being a sex buddy. How do I assure myself that he is mature enough to understand what heathy boundaries are? I don't want him to get hurt.

Even after 5 years, small-town, rural life is really foreign to me and it presents a host of concerns around privacy that weren't a worries in large cities. 

What if his parents have a way to geolocate his phone? 

We'd have to have sex in some wooded area because I don't feel comfortable having him over.

I never thought I'd be considering this. Any advice is welcome. If he really is a virgin, I want it to be a good experience for him. 

[Aerach]

Although the age of consent in your state is 16, that doesn’t mean the law would be okay with the two of you engaging in a sexual relationship. Or any relationship. Rightly or wrongly, same-sex interactions are treated differently than heterosexual ones; and even if he’s old enough that a charge of statutory rape isn’t applicable, there are any number of other charges that could be applied and result in your being labeled a sex offender. I sympathize with both of you, and wish you were free to pursue this, but it’s a huge risk. Please be very careful.

[ErosWired]

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

Just because an adolescent is keen doesn’t mean he’s ready.

Just because a horny guy says something doesn’t mean it’s true.

Think with the big head, not the little head.

[backdoorjimmy]

I don't know how popular this take is, but if I were in your shoes I'd pass. When I was 16 I felt like I was ready for sex with guys your age, but looking back I realize I wasn't. There's a power dynamic at play that has nothing to do with Age of Consent laws, and everything to do with his comfort level. Let's say you hook up and get his consent at every point along the way before proceeding with each and every act - two days later, he might feel guilt or regret and decide he was taken advantage of.

Whether its legal or not, it can ruin your life if an underage teen says he was intimidated into having sex. Words like "grooming" and "withdraw consent" can get thrown around and you're screwed. You might not go to jail, but you might lose your job or have your personal life shattered. Hell, I was on a Reddit thread a couple weeks ago where someone who was 18 hooked up with a 40 year old neighbor and people in the thread were throwing around the word "pedo" and saying the 40 year old should be arrested.

[ErosWired]

11 hours ago, polyglutton said:

Even after 5 years, small-town, rural life is really foreign to me and it presents a host of concerns around privacy that weren't a worries in large cities. 

Let me add this, about small-town, rural life: Most of the people around you know everybody’s grandma, and the social grapevine has grown tendrils that reach into every imaginable nook and cranny of the place. It has to be that way, because people separated by distance need a communication network to survive. But that network means that everybody knows just enough about everybody’s business to be dangerous.

Gossip is rife, rumor is malicious, and speculation is imaginative, leaning toward the scandalous and salacious. Small-town folk are small fish in a small pond, but the biggest small fish is the big fish in that pond, and they’ll get nasty to make sure they stay on top. It doesn’t matter who they have to devour.

Small-town folk tend to circle the wagons pretty quickly if they find anything threatening among them - and by ‘threatening’ I mean ‘new’ or ‘different’. Tolerance and acceptance are not a big thing in rural places on the whole, contrary to what they might have you believe. They might portray themselves as smiling faces willing to help s stranger, and they might be - as long as you keep on moving. Don’t act like you might settle in amongst them, or the smiles evaporate like morning dew.

I come from such a place. My family settled here in 1819. Because I had the audacity to spend part of my childhood elsewhere and get above my raisin’ and go to college out-of-state, I am not considered really a native here even though I was born 25 miles down the road and have lived here in this house my grandfather built and my father was born in for the last 21 years, on land the family has owned since the Civil War. No one is openly out here; anyone who tries feels the consequences. Yes, there’s a certain amount of open hostility, but that’s not the worst of it - it’s the silent conspiracy of the grapevine that spreads gossip - and judgment - throughout the community where you never see it, but suddenly you’re no longer spoken to, or invited, or voted for, or included in any part of the life of the rural community.

I have begun to think of this place as a kind of Hell on Earth.

So don’t imagine that a tryst with a local 16-year-old would go unnoticed for long (what 16-year-old has any discretion whatsoever?) and don’t imagine there won’t be consequences. The hills have eyes and ears.

[hntnhole]

12 hours ago, polyglutton said:

I never thought I'd be considering this. Any advice is welcome. If he really is a virgin, I want it to be a good experience for him. 

Good responses above.  That said, it sounds like your heart is in the right place, in that you want to treat him with decency, respect.  After all - every one of us was 16 once.  

How about this:  invite the guy to have lunch - someplace an appreciable distance from where either of you live - for the purposes of a chorus or two of "Getting to know you".  Specify that.  No fucking after this meeting.  Introductory only, sharing thoughts, needs, etc.  If he bites, you'll have your first clue as to his authenticity.  Even prospective fuck-buds need to have some idea of who the other guy is, and this innocuous meet-for-lunch would be an acceptable situation for both of you to become a bit acquainted.  I don't think you need this, but - be sure to treat him with respect and understanding, whether you want to fuck or not.  If warranted, discuss limits, taboos, all of that if you want to - but don't fuck after this first meeting.  Give it a little time - for yourself and for him.  

Good luck !!

[twoguyssssss4fun]

you'd be surprised at what guys desire at a young age.  Having said that, I always treat younger guys are an innocent until I get to know them.  Be gentle , but definitely go for it - some of my best memories are  with younger guys. I would not rule out fucking, just let the evening come naturally. Don't be selfish, let it be about him,  and then you when you know he's a slut. breed his ass

[Breedingandseeding]

When I was 16 I used to lie and pretend I was 18 so I could hook up with daddies. I knew exactly what I wanted despite the age of consent laws in my area being 18. Most European countries set it at 15 or 16.

a couple of the guys I even later told them I was younger than I first stated but I wasn’t going to get them in trouble (or say my age in writing over the apps). Loved the [banned word] aspect of it and so did they. No one got in trouble and I’m a well adjusted adult now despite plenty of hookups with older strangers 

[ErosWired]

22 hours ago, polyglutton said:

What if his parents have a way to geolocate his phone?

Think about this a little more broadly - what if his parents find out by any means?

I can tell you, as the father of a son now in college, that had I discovered a man of your years making sexual advances toward my child at that age, that man would have experienced violence at my hands.

Before you arrange to meet this kid, think through in your mind what a hostile encounter with his father (or, potentially more terrifying, his mother) would be like later.

The people above encouraging you to go ahead with it are all giving you advice that assumes you’re dealing on an equal basis with another person who can be considered a man - and he absolutely cannot. A 16-year-old isn’t a mature adult, and you can’t pretend that he is. In no way are you coming at this as equals.

[BiCurious100]

3 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Think about this a little more broadly - what if his parents find out by any means?

I can tell you, as the father of a son now in college, that had I discovered a man of your years making sexual advances toward my child at that age, that man would have experienced violence at my hands.

Before you arrange to meet this kid, think through in your mind what a hostile encounter with his father (or, potentially more terrifying, his mother) would be like later.

The people above encouraging you to go ahead with it are all giving you advice that assumes you’re dealing on an equal basis with another person who can be considered a man - and he absolutely cannot. A 16-year-old isn’t a mature adult, and you can’t pretend that he is. In no way are you coming at this as equals.

Interesting, Eroswired, this begs a few questions:

1. What do you believe the minimum age should be for meet-ups/sex, in general?

2. Do you believe that the mimimum age for gay sex should be different to hetrosexual sex?

You haven't specified if your son is gay, but, when he was 16, would your issue have been him having sex with another man, having sex with an older man or having any sex full stop at that age?

What do you believe the youngest age should be, that a man in his 40s, has sex with?

Surely, sex is sex and what's the difference between a 16 year old, having sex with another 16 year old or with someone in their 40s?

Actually, if anything, two 16 year olds, both having gay sex for the first time, with each other are more likely to risk hurting each other (due to their inexperienc), compared to an experienced 40 year old having gentle sex with a 16 year old (especially if this is the 16 year olds first time)...

For me, I believe that everyone is different and sexually mature (both physically and emotionally) at different ages.  I know of 16 year olds that have had sex and have been ready to have that sex.  I also know of people, in their 20s, who have had sex and haven't been (emotionally) ready.

 

Looking at the OP, he seems to be willing to be gentle and do the right thing by this 16 year old.  I don't think that that you should assume that this 16 year old isn't ready for sex just because of his age.

The risk of this 16 year old 'mis-understanding' something on a sexual encounter with the OP, should they meet, is there; however that can happen, even if he was in his 20s... you just have to ensure that the consent is there.

To the OP, if you do meet with this 16 year old, please ensure that you take it easy and slow.  You don't have to have sex on your first meet-up.  Your best bet is to get to know him a bit first and have a couple of meets, before having sex for the first time.

 

Also ensure that you are BOTH ready for the sex, if/when that happens - the emotion of the encounter will be experienced by you, as well.

Good luck

 

[iman2004]

11 minutes ago, BiCurious100 said:

 

Surely, sex is sex and what's the difference between a 16 year old, having sex with another 16 year old or with someone in their 40s?

 

 

I think @ErosWired touches on some really important points about the difference between legal and wise for want of a better word. You will doubtless have seen the reactions of the UK media when there is a significant age difference between sexual partners and words like “pedo” and “predatory” get used, whether they should or not, and the reality is that mud sticks regardless of the legal basis. I think this is one area where the law might allow something, but whether that action is a good idea is something very different.  The point about small rural communities is also a very valid one. Sex might be sex but others would view the apparent power imbalance as potentially exploitative. 

[fuckholedc]

19 hours ago, backdoorjimmy said:

Hell, I was on a Reddit thread a couple weeks ago where someone who was 18 hooked up with a 40 year old neighbor and people in the thread were throwing around the word "pedo" and saying the 40 year old should be arrested.

That's because Americans are overwhelmingly Puritanical and want to control others.  It is clearly fraudulent to suggest that a sexual encounter between an 18 year old and a 40 year old is pedophiliac and suggesting that the 40 year old should be arrested is intentionally demagogic.   

And when I say "demagogic" - I'm internally translating from the German word "Volksverhetzung" which is a much more accurate concept.  Americans are showing signs of returning to the Nazi plan of targeting sexual activity other than for reproduction and once again completely condemning LGBTQI sexual activity.   The people in that Reddit thread are deliberately attempting to destroy others and poison society through their Puritanical "rabble-rousing."

Edited April 21, 2022 by fuckholedc
changed word for clarity

[fuckholedc]

On 4/20/2022 at 12:42 AM, polyglutton said:

Today I got messaged by a 16 year old who lives a mile away who was really keen to fuck. Initially I said no but then he told me that the age of consent in this state is 16 and that he's turning 17 soon. 

I used to be a male stripper in a major US Gay city.  Most of the Gay strippers started fucking at least by 16 and many were aggressive about it, targeting older Gay men to get devirginized.

I had an older friend who was a high profile government employee.  He had sex with a boy who said he was 16, which was the age of consent in his state. My friend had checked the boy's birth certificate, who had however provided the birth certificate of his *dead brother*.  As it turned out the boy's mother, living in another state, complained.  I think it turned out to be true that the boy had been 16 but the US Federal agency wasn't interested in the age of consent at all.  They explicitly told my friend that they were holding him to a higher standard because of his position in their agency.  His career was ruined.  This was well before the surprise US Supreme Court Gay marriage ruling circa 2007 that in effect declared Gay men to be human so age of consent laws might play the role they are supposed to play in your case.  But I wouldn't hold my breath.  18 and above is a safe limit.

BTW my friend was also accused later of pedophilia by his *27* year old (!!!) boyfriend's mother (a naturalized German-Russian immigrant who had lived most of her life in NYC at that point and just couldn't accept that her "little boy" liked men, dick and ass).  You just can't anticipate the idiocy that people will throw at you.

Edited April 21, 2022 by fuckholedc

[ErosWired]

2 hours ago, BiCurious100 said:

1. What do you believe the minimum age should be for meet-ups/sex, in general?

2. Do you believe that the mimimum age for gay sex should be different to hetrosexual sex?

You haven't specified if your son is gay, but, when he was 16, would your issue have been him having sex with another man, having sex with an older man or having any sex full stop at that age?

What do you believe the youngest age should be, that a man in his 40s, has sex with?

Surely, sex is sex and what's the difference between a 16 year old, having sex with

Your questions all assume I have a set of numerical lines drawn in the sand and a rigid set of standards in this regard. I don’t, and that’s not the point I’m making to the OP. What I’m telling the OP is that he had better not rely on a legal definition to tell him what he ought to do because the reality is that any individual 16-year-old’s family, if they care about the boy in the least, isn’t going to give him the benefit of the doubt - they’re going to defend their own against a potential predator. They’re going to boil the tar, pluck the feathers and sharpen the butcher knives and not have one bit of interest in hearing about the age of consent.

My own son, as it happens, at 25 years old, thinks he may be bi. Thinks he may be. At 25. He isn’t sure. I have zero problem with whatever orientation he finally lands on. But I am my children’s father, and my job is to protect them. I don’t consult the legal fine print about that, I listen to my instincts. My response is on a hair-trigger I don’t apologize for that one iota.

There are lots and lots and lots of dads like that. When a dad is what he’s supposed to be, it’s kind of a feature. So the OP had best reckon with the possibility if he’s contemplating having mansex with somebody’s adolescent.

I realize there are posters here encouraging it, telling how they were ready and eager at 16. But how representative are they really of likely outcomes? (The ones who aren’t scarred by it join a website for bareback fuckers; the ones who are, probably not so much.) Consider this quote from above:

Most of the Gay strippers started fucking at least by 16 and many were aggressive about it, targeting older Gay men to get devirginized.

What does that suggest about what tends to happen to the lives of boys who get devirginized at 16? It may not happen to all of them, but “Gay stripper” is not the future just about any family wants to imagine for their young man, so a certain intolerance for older male interlopers is not really that surprising.

Gay men make up roughly 10% of the otherwise heteronormative population. That’s the reality that never goes away. That means the OP runs a very high risk of encountering unsympathetic attitudes if his behavior comes to light. You will note that in everything I have written in this topic, nowhere have I told the OP what he should or should not do - the only thing I have explicitly proposed is that he contemplate the consequences if his actions become known, and suggested the plausible nature of what those consequences could entail.

Edited April 21, 2022 by ErosWired

[badubydo]

Walk away. There is nothing wrong with hooking up with younger guys. 
 

however, hooking up with younger guys under 18 even if the “age of consent is 16” 

 

the legal mess, and legality of a man 30+ years older having penetrative sex with somebody under 18 will not be a good thing.