Ghosting and haunting

[tallslenderguy]

i have an account on a couple of gay sites i deem as more relationship vs just hook-up sites. i'm far from traditional when it comes to relationship, not looking to emulate heteronormative approach to relationship and not looking to marry. That said, i would like to have a significant other of some sort, so i have profiles on a couple of sites purportedly more geared to relationship... whatever form that may take, but more than a one night, anonymous hook-up. 

Most of us have experienced ghosting.  For me, the most hurtful ghosting happens on this kind of site. i don't spend much time trying to hook on the aps, mostly because of flakes and ghosts, just not worth it to me. What hurts more deeply though is when someone on a dating site initiates something with me, then ghosts me. i have really detailed profiles on those sites to begin with, so most of the guys who initiate with me typically have a good idea of who they are initiating with, usually much more than what they offer in their own profile.  They're out there, but Guys who have self knowledge and willingly share some of that beyond being "nice, eating out, hiking and walks on the beach" in Their profile, are rare.  So there's usually an imbalance of info to start with. 

i recently was contacted by a guy on one of these sites. He has a short, but better than average profile. He also initiated contact with more than three words, even more than three sentences. He also didn't live half a world away, just an hour, which is pretty good by internet standards lol.  He gave me his email, and i gave mine to him. So i wrote him an email answering his initiating note, and a bit more. And... nothing. i didn't say anything new that was not already in my profile, if anything, i affirmed his note and what he was looking for. Nothing  (been 2 weeks now). That's the ghosting part, and while my hopes were stepped on with all the usual feelings, i was moving away from them.

Then, recently, he has been visiting my profile on the dating site. Still not saying a word or responding to my emails, but now he is a ghost who is haunting me lol. Sigh. WTF?!?  He seemed to be an intelligent guy. i can only speculate, but i don't think he's just using my profile to jack off lol... though there are a couple of vids on my profile one could do that with.

His profile says he's looking for more. i want to believe guys like this are not lying, they are just ignorant, immature (or a combination of both), and are ill equipped to have a relationship of any significance?  i want to believe most of the guys who do this are not purposefully hurtful, that they are just ignorant or lazy, or both.  Part of me wants to write this guy and explain the effect he has had and is having, i.e., educate the ignorant?  On the other hand, i fear i might just be opening myself to more offensive behavior if his ego can't handle the truth. 

Mostly, i am just venting and opening discussion on the topic, with the now added "haunting" element. Seems a variation on stalking, but doesn't seem the same to me, i mean, how does a ghost stalk?

(rolls eyes at life)

[Pumpinmyhole]

52 minutes ago, tallslenderguy said:

He gave me his email, and i gave mine to him. So i wrote him an email answering his initiating note, and a bit more. And... nothing.

There's always a high flake rate online.  But is it possible the emails you sent to him went to his spam folder and he hasn't seen them?  You could always reach out through the app and say you've sent emails but haven't heard back.  

[tallslenderguy]

1 minute ago, Pumpinmyhole said:

There's always a high flake rate online.  But is it possible the emails you sent to him went to his spam folder and he hasn't seen them?  You could always reach out through the app and say you've sent emails but haven't heard back.  

Yeah, i am hyper aware of spammers. They do not usually give their emails, just ask for yours. He intimated on the gay site, and i responded there and by email. Thinking, as you did, that my emails may have gone to spam i wrote him on the dating site stating as much. He has not responded to my emails or my notes on the gay site, but still keeps visiting my profile. Pretty confident he's not a spammer. i just sent him another note asking him why he hasn't responded and yet keeps visiting my profile. He's visited 2x today?  We'll see if he responds. my fear is, he'll just be to embarrassed and continue on. Not really anything to do about it, eh? my intent i posting was not to focus on this particular person, just use it as an example of "ghosting" and "haunting".  

[NWUSHorny]

2 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

they are just ignorant, immature (or a combination of both), and are ill equipped to have a relationship of any significance

I think this sums it up pretty well.

I'm not sure why, but there seem to be a lot more gay men in the PNW that are always on the lookout for a relationship than other parts of the country. Personally I would drop it and ignore or block him, but then again I'm not looking for romantic relationships.

[ErosWired]

Ghosting is frustrating because there’s little you can do to prevent it. ‘Haunting’, on the other hand, as you describe it, is handily managed by the Block feature. What he can’t see, he can’t haunt. Once he’s ghosted you, leaving yourself open for him to haunt you is a self-inflicted injury, and holding out hope that a guy who has ghosted you is suddenly going to come back as a romantic contact is…forgive me, but…delusional.

[tallslenderguy]

8 minutes ago, ErosWired said:

Ghosting is frustrating because there’s little you can do to prevent it. ‘Haunting’, on the other hand, as you describe it, is handily managed by the Block feature. What he can’t see, he can’t haunt. Once he’s ghosted you, leaving yourself open for him to haunt you is a self-inflicted injury, and holding out hope that a guy who has ghosted you is suddenly going to come back as a romantic contact is…forgive me, but…delusional.

Delusional?  lol, maybe. Fortunately i've got a wee bit of crust and experience.  i did write him today and laid it out to him about the ghosting and haunting. He sent me a note back apologizing for taking so long to get back  and saying he is interested, but in the process of moving and will write a detailed response. 

drumroll....

No, not holding my breath. Now that i have a response, i can at least settle in my mind that he was just inconsiderate. I.e., it prolly took all of 30 seconds to write that, why did he wait 9 days? How come he has time to look at my profile, but still didn't take the time to say something to me?  Really no excuse, i mean it's not like his grandmother died. 

i'm being transparent writing this thread, but i'm not a wounded bird lying in the corner or pining for him as though he is other than he has been. 

The core off my original thread is really the curiosity of someone who not only would ghost someone... pretty common internet fare, but then continues to 'haunt' by visiting the profile, but still not saying anything.  i suspect that is not uncommon either.  It's like the internet caters to a whole segment of people and i wonder what these people would be doing without the internet? Would they be more apt to exercise polite social skills? Are they the shy people who can't bring theirslves to speak with someone they're interested in? The majority of guys i see, even on relationship oriented sites, don't have a profile of any substance, yet they claim to be looking for relationship. It's so strange to me that they seem to think that will happen without any effort on their part, that somehow someone will just magically intuit enough about them to make first contact, then work their ass off trying to get them to say something besides "i like long walks on the beach." i mean, is that code for i will not live inland? 

sorry. 

[ErosWired]

2 minutes ago, tallslenderguy said:

The majority of guys i see, even on relationship oriented sites, don't have a profile of any substance, yet they claim to be looking for relationship.

In my experience, these are what are known as ‘bots’.

It’s a very good question what these ghoster/haunter ectoplasms would be doing without the internet.

[hntnhole]

Is "bots" a contraction for "robots"?  

I'm sorry guys have to put up with this stuff.  I knew what "ghosting" was, but I'd never heard of "haunting" !!!  

[tallslenderguy]

2 hours ago, hntnhole said:

Is "bots" a contraction for "robots"?  

I'm sorry guys have to put up with this stuff.  I knew what "ghosting" was, but I'd never heard of "haunting" !!!  

i made "haunting" up as an extrapolation on ghosting. 

[hntnhole]

LOL ..... well, at least now I know that there's one less "thing" out there in the ether I have no clue about ..... 😊

[tallslenderguy]

2 hours ago, hntnhole said:

LOL ..... well, at least now I know that there's one less "thing" out there in the ether I have no clue about ..... 😊

Since i made it up, probably most people would have no clue about it.

[hntnhole]

18 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

Since i made it up, probably most people would have no clue about it.

Probably, but not for the reason you may think .... 

[ErosWired]

On 11/17/2022 at 6:37 AM, hntnhole said:

Is "bots" a contraction for "robots"?

Sort of. It refers to automated non-human spam profiles that are posted programmatically to try to gather information from real users. They are notorious for having pics of very attractive young men and state that they are looking for long-term relationships, friends, and other non-sexually-specific descriptions. If they list a distance away at all, it’s often hundreds or thousands of miles away.

[hntnhole]

Ahhhhh .... then it's an attempt to gather personal information - for mostly nefarious means, I assume.  Well, I'm glad I don't use those apps anymore.  It's a lot easier to just go to the places where men Breed, and those guys aren't "bots".  

Thanks for the explanation.  

[NWUSHorny]

7 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Sort of. It refers to automated non-human spam profiles that are posted programmatically to try to gather information from real users. They are notorious for having pics of very attractive young men and state that they are looking for long-term relationships, friends, and other non-sexually-specific descriptions. If they list a distance away at all, it’s often hundreds or thousands of miles away.

I have never seen the point in responding to contacts from those types of profiles. I guess some people consider it rude, or as missed opportunities. I also have no problem blocking local profiles if I sense something is off.