Is there a particular experience that first made you know you were gay or bi?

[AirmaxUK]

Less of a seminal moment but more of a culmination of moments...

Back when breakdancing was a thing  we'd unroll peices of linoleum at break and lunchtime practice and show off moves. I remember one of the lads who was a better dancer came back from holiday to Florida and had a pair of Nike Hitops ho brought there. He claimed they were the reason he could do various moves so well, so one lunchtime I asked him to let me have a try, so I laced on his hitops and unexpecedly, it made me feel so good wearing them.   That I think was the initiating moment. 

I also have incredibly focused intense friendships - probably a autistic spectrum thing - they were innocent - not at all sexual and I think that was also the beginning of the path for me.

Time passed and  I recall in my mid to late teens I was pushed to go to baptist church sunday school and the teenage 'christian endeavour' group.  The way the group worked was everyone took turn to organise an evening's discussion, sutdies, or activities.  One particular evening was organised by one of the lads who was in my year at 6th Form - he was one of those boys who was just good at everything they did - I think he was even Head Boy.  I recall the evening was a discussion on avoiding teenage temptations - and started as a lecture in abstinance,  but then rather quickly he started going on about the sins of being gay and delivered that part of the lecture staring right at me, spewing all kinds of vitriol.  Everything fell into place for me at that moment.  Hidden feelings, desires, internal conflicts all popped into focus and made sense. Somehow he'd seen through me and I knew what I hadn't figured out yet... and I guessed I'd been sussed out at that point. I never went back figuring I wasn't welcome. Since I was 18 at the time I was soon to leave to go to University, so my disappearance went almost unnoticed. Looking back, I wonder if part of the reason he sussed me so easily was because he saw a reflection of something he recongnised in himself? 

In parallel to this I was at an all-boys grammar school. It wasn't what you might expect - back in the late 80's early 90's it was a very hostile place to be openly gay. I am not aware anyone was, at the time.  There was no support, and people generally supported Thatcher's Section 28. I rememeber we had someone come in to talk to us about HIV/AIDS from Terrance Higgins Trust and he got booed and jeered so much they abandoned it. Looking back a there were five of us that were friends - none of us were open about who we were or what we might feel but it turns out that in later life we all had something in common we didn't realise. The first I bumped into in Balans Soho. He was a waiter there.  Others popped up over the years on gaydar.co.uk when that was a thing, and others I've met up at reunions and even job interviews. Strange how we all gravitated together but never revealed our true selves to each other.

Oddly I recall we had someone in our year who was very disruptive - punishment didn't work and he was often exluded.  He didn't really have any friends and wasn't violent towards other students or staff... just attention seeking, destructive and distruptive. They brought a therapist and as part of his therapy, he had to pick three students who he trusted to observe, feedback and help him. The three guys he picked... all of us it turned out were from that group of five. Looking back it really makes me wonder... 

Grammar School was very competitive academically and in sport - and there was a strong emphasis on Rugby and Gymnastics. I was far from an athlete and much more at home in the computer science and engineering labs. I remember trying to get out of having to do rugby practice or athletics by 'forgetting' my kit.  I figured if you didn't have your kit, you can't play. If you had one of the softer games masters, you'd get sent to the Library. But two out of the three games masters were ex-army and seemd to be sadisic..  Generally their approach was that you had to pick some kit from the lost property box and carry on...  It was likely unwashed, and not quite the right size, so it made you stand out and get picked on.  So this idea of forgetting kit was not great... but it triggered something.  I kinda enjoyed wearing other lad's kit and not knowing who's it was.  The humiliation wasn't that good, but at least for a moment I had people's attention. At the time it was negative but I got a kick out of it somehow. 

The gamechanger for me was when one of the guys I was in engineering class with and  had a secret crush on had rugby in the morning and offered to lend me his kit for my afternoon rugby session to avoid the humiliation of wearing lost property. I believe it was totally born out of purely innocent good intentions on his part. Initially at least,  he didn't realise the effect on me - and the bonus was at lunchbreak he played in it again, and he took it off moments before giving it to me, so it was warm and filled with his fresh pheromones.  I think, in that moment my gearfetish was born.  It became a regular thing on Wednesdays that he'd play in the morning and at lunchtime, and in the afternoon I'd borrow his kit and play in it in the afternoon.  After a while, he even got a little bit flirtatious sometimes, but never led to anything. What became of him I don't really know: I never bumped into him again but thanks for FriendReunited (remember that?),  I understand he got married, had a family, kids, etc. 

So all this was hidden... and definetly not out in the open.

Fast forward a few years and I'm in the final year of my masters degree. Still hiding in plain sight. But then I discovered IRC (Internet Relay Chat - a bit like Discord) and there were a lot of student run channels.  In particular #uk-poofs was a very friendly channel - and unlike the social media internet today had one foot in reality. The channel had regular meet-ups and parties. I lurked to start with, then started to engage, met a couple of guys on a 1-1 basis and then and went to my first party in Finchley, north London.  Fromt there I made friend who took me to places and I discovered 79CXR, The Anvil, the Sauna in Lavender Hill and Play Pit.  

And from there it's only gotten more interesting.... So here I am today.  

 

Edited December 10, 2022 by AirmaxAndy
clarity

[kitpig]

8 hours ago, AirmaxAndy said:

Less of a seminal moment but more of a culmination of moments...

Back when breakdancing was a thing  we'd unroll peices of linoleum at break and lunchtime practice and show off moves. I remember one of the lads who was a better dancer came back from holiday to Florida and had a pair of Nike Hitops ho brought there. He claimed they were the reason he could do various moves so well, so one lunchtime I asked him to let me have a try, so I laced on his hitops and unexpecedly, it made me feel so good wearing them.   That I think was the initiating moment. 

I also have incredibly focused intense friendships - probably a autistic spectrum thing - they were innocent - not at all sexual and I think that was also the beginning of the path for me.

Time passed and  I recall in my mid to late teens I was pushed to go to baptist church sunday school and the teenage 'christian endeavour' group.  The way the group worked was everyone took turn to organise an evening's discussion, sutdies, or activities.  One particular evening was organised by one of the lads who was in my year at 6th Form - he was one of those boys who was just good at everything they did - I think he was even Head Boy.  I recall the evening was a discussion on avoiding teenage temptations - and started as a lecture in abstinance,  but then rather quickly he started going on about the sins of being gay and delivered that part of the lecture staring right at me, spewing all kinds of vitriol.  Everything fell into place for me at that moment.  Hidden feelings, desires, internal conflicts all popped into focus and made sense. Somehow he'd seen through me and I knew what I hadn't figured out yet... and I guessed I'd been sussed out at that point. I never went back figuring I wasn't welcome. Since I was 18 at the time I was soon to leave to go to University, so my disappearance went almost unnoticed. Looking back, I wonder if part of the reason he sussed me so easily was because he saw a reflection of something he recongnised in himself? 

In parallel to this I was at an all-boys grammar school. It wasn't what you might expect - back in the late 80's early 90's it was a very hostile place to be openly gay. I am not aware anyone was, at the time.  There was no support, and people generally supported Thatcher's Section 28. I rememeber we had someone come in to talk to us about HIV/AIDS from Terrance Higgins Trust and he got booed and jeered so much they abandoned it. Looking back a there were five of us that were friends - none of us were open about who we were or what we might feel but it turns out that in later life we all had something in common we didn't realise. The first I bumped into in Balans Soho. He was a waiter there.  Others popped up over the years on gaydar.co.uk when that was a thing, and others I've met up at reunions and even job interviews. Strange how we all gravitated together but never revealed our true selves to each other.

Oddly I recall we had someone in our year who was very disruptive - punishment didn't work and he was often exluded.  He didn't really have any friends and wasn't violent towards other students or staff... just attention seeking, destructive and distruptive. They brought a therapist and as part of his therapy, he had to pick three students who he trusted to observe, feedback and help him. The three guys he picked... all of us it turned out were from that group of five. Looking back it really makes me wonder... 

Grammar School was very competitive academically and in sport - and there was a strong emphasis on Rugby and Gymnastics. I was far from an athlete and much more at home in the computer science and engineering labs. I remember trying to get out of having to do rugby practice or athletics by 'forgetting' my kit.  I figured if you didn't have your kit, you can't play. If you had one of the softer games masters, you'd get sent to the Library. But two out of the three games masters were ex-army and seemd to be sadisic..  Generally their approach was that you had to pick some kit from the lost property box and carry on...  It was likely unwashed, and not quite the right size, so it made you stand out and get picked on.  So this idea of forgetting kit was not great... but it triggered something.  I kinda enjoyed wearing other lad's kit and not knowing who's it was.  The humiliation wasn't that good, but at least for a moment I had people's attention. At the time it was negative but I got a kick out of it somehow. 

The gamechanger for me was when one of the guys I was in engineering class with and  had a secret crush on had rugby in the morning and offered to lend me his kit for my afternoon rugby session to avoid the humiliation of wearing lost property. I believe it was totally born out of purely innocent good intentions on his part. Initially at least,  he didn't realise the effect on me - and the bonus was at lunchbreak he played in it again, and he took it off moments before giving it to me, so it was warm and filled with his fresh pheromones.  I think, in that moment my gearfetish was born.  It became a regular thing on Wednesdays that he'd play in the morning and at lunchtime, and in the afternoon I'd borrow his kit and play in it in the afternoon.  After a while, he even got a little bit flirtatious sometimes, but never led to anything. What became of him I don't really know: I never bumped into him again but thanks for FriendReunited (remember that?),  I understand he got married, had a family, kids, etc. 

So all this was hidden... and definetly not out in the open.

Fast forward a few years and I'm in the final year of my masters degree. Still hiding in plain sight. But then I discovered IRC (Internet Relay Chat - a bit like Discord) and there were a lot of student run channels.  In particular #uk-poofs was a very friendly channel - and unlike the social media internet today had one foot in reality. The channel had regular meet-ups and parties. I lurked to start with, then started to engage, met a couple of guys on a 1-1 basis and then and went to my first party in Finchley, north London.  Fromt there I made friend who took me to places and I discovered 79CXR, The Anvil, the Sauna in Lavender Hill and Play Pit.  

And from there it's only gotten more interesting.... So here I am today.  

 

I had teachers like your games masters... if you forgot your kit you either used lost property (some of which may have been acquired)... or you borrowed from the other boys who also had games or swimming that day.  I remember haveing to share swimming trunks a couple of times and thought nothing of it at the time, but looking back...

[rublthlad]

i suppose it was two fold thing, started getting hard in early tweens and playing with myself, then on Holiday at 18 at the hotel which was on a beach, this guy waved me over when I went to him he put a hand on my crotch, he had decided I was gay, 10 minutes later he was fucking my ass, never looked back from there on in

[Guest]

I denied it for years, but now i'm realising that the reason why older gay men gravitated towards me when I was younger was because they knew I was gay. I'm now noticing that none of them were married or anything, it is all making sense...

[hntnhole]

Not really a single experience, it was more a gradual thing.  I never really cared for girls all that much - always preferred to play with other boys.  I thought the silly, giggly, prissy bullshit girls peddled was bothersome, more a waste of time than anything else.  Boys didn't behave like that, and I gravitated (not in a sexual sense - yet) more to boys.  Plus, boys were more 'defined', less lumpy (unless they ate too much, of course), better balanced/defined in body-structure than girls.  

In Jr. High, we had swimming class au natural, so I saw a lot of naked guys, and that's how I saw my first hardon on another guy.  It was interesting, but I didn't translate that into wanting sexual activity.  That kind of thing was really repressed where I grew up. When I went away to school, I was brought out by a frat bro, and the veil was lifted from both my eyes and my Cock.  I clearly remember everything about him, to this day. 

A few weeks later:  The Sunday Chicago Tribune was delivered to every dorm, and once I was in the lounge of a dorm waiting for someone - can't remember who or why - and there were page after page of first-run movies being advertised.  After all the first-run flicks, the neighborhood theatres had ads, and finally, at the end were small, 1" ads for all the porn theatres.  I noticed one saying "triple X action, all male cast".  I knew it had to mean what I thought it meant, but how on earth could it?  However, I cut my classes the next day, drove up to Chicago, found the theater (Varsity, on Clark St), and went in.  The actual film was laughable by todays standards, Not many men in there on a Monday, but I went about half-way down the aisle and sat down, noticed other men drifting around, and a young kid in the row in front of me several yards away.  The kid looked at me, I looked at him - had no idea of what to do - he hopped over the seats and came over, sat down next to me.  Of course, I was rock hard, he opened my jeans, and that was the first blow job I ever got, and it blew my mind.  The funny thing is, when I returned the favor, I hesitated for a moment, but then put my mouth on his Cock.  I was so surprised that it just tasted like skin - for some reason I thought it would taste different - and when he shot his load in my mouth, I was thrilled to discover how good it tasted. 

I clearly remember thinking "this is a sad, sordid life, but I know it's for me".  

Drove back to school, and within a week one of my frat bros wanted me to go over to the auditorium after hours (where this huge tubby old Moller lived) and help him with the pedaling on a piece he was learning.  He had pledged at the same time, we were already friends, so I said ok.  That was the first time I felt any kind of connection with a guy, and it was such a wonderful thing to have sex with a guy I already liked.  I remember so very clearly everything about that first *real* sex.  I was really lucky to experience something that put the first thought (above) about being gay out of my consciousness so quickly.  

[partytheworld]

My story is probably different to most. I had an insatiable sex drive. These days I would be called a sex addict. I could pull chicks at a reasonable rate but I had to supplement it with professionals. After a couple of years it had increased to the extent that I couldnt keep up with the costs. It was at this time I realized that there was a niche group (TV/TS) that was readily available and as a nascent group the pros were also more reasonable value. Unfortunately in the 2010s there was a big drive to mainstream trannies, they even got their own letter in the alphabet mafia. All the time i was dipping in the best of both worlds I was hitting chicks. As trannies became more mainstream they became more accepted by guys. This increased competition among the regular trannies and the pros causing a sudden acute shortage of available ass and an increase in their demand$ . It was at this time I started to dabble in the only remaining option outside livestock...guys. Its still the bottom of the list...dont hate me, but if i absolutely need a massage, blow job, hand job or maybe an ass or more I go to whatever is available. I was asked before if I was straight, bi, gay, non binary etc. I answer by saying Im not anything. I just need to shoot a load. Guys are also more open to other substances which started to be of interest to me beginning pre covid. but that door closed throughout that shit

Edited December 10, 2022 by partytheworld

[AlwaysOpen]

My earliest recollection of anything homo- centric was when I was 5 or 6. I grew up in a small rural town, the city nearby had a mall, and in the city core all the trappings of a real city, so if we needed new shoes or clothes for school, my Mom would haul my ass to the mall . I would ride in the back seat of the car, and in one particular area there was a stream that ran alongside the road. If I went back  (and it even exists ) today, it was likely a ditch and the stream was just rain or melting snow draining away. But back then, almost without exception, I would look out as we drove past that water, and imagine myself naked,floating on my back with my dick stiff, and a boy or two riding on my stomach/chest, and using my cock as a steering device. And even tho I had no idea why, my 6 year old cock would be hard . By the time we would get to the mall or into the city, it was all over and out of my thoughts, until the drive back home.  I am not going to lock in and say "that"  was the moment I knew I was gay, honestly, I don't think early 60's gay/homosexuality was even talked about or acknowledged in those words. And not going to the prom in high school didn't lock it in for me- I would have been "obligated" to ask the girl across the road from my house to it (17 days apart in age)  and at the time she was having sex with the high school band director, a lot!!  I kept a big distance from her, or had either her parent or one of mine present if we were hanging out, I really was worried she would get knocked up and all eyes would fall on  me. And I knew even then I did not want a woman nor a kid ( esp if it wasn't even mine) in my life path.

 

[hntnhole]

The allusion to a "raft" on that creek/ditch/stream, steered by your very young "oar" reminded me of when I first read Clemens.  I thought that Sawyer and Finn, alone on the raft, drifting down the Mississippi, adventures, that whole scene sounded so cool - no bothersome, tiresome girls, just two guys getting into mischief. 

At the time, I don't think I had even a scintilla of actual sexual thoughts,  but the notion of boys together with no silly, fatuous girl-garbage was compelling.  Eventually he had to write in a girl to the story to avoid the already conspicuous homoerotic overtones.  Who knows - maybe M.T. rode both sides of the raft !!!

Thanks for sharing that experience - made me smile at one of my early, nearly forgotten memories.

[BoyStrangler]

in grade 9 I was using this cute little slut in my neighbourhood for regular blowjobs and fucks and her cute brother walked in while she was sucking my cock or I was fucking her a number of times, to the point where we wouldn’t even stop and I even blew my load in her fuckhole, down her throat and all over her face while he stood there watching. He was curious and asked to watch. l was straight but a piggy so I was totally into it. Next thing I know she was teaching him how to suck my cock and after a month I busted his cherry and started fucking her and him together regularly. After awhile I actually got her sucking his cock and getting this faggot to fuck his sister and cum inside her. She was my first female that I fucked in the ass and the first one I DPed and eventually she was the first girl I gangbanged with a bunch of other guys. But after using these little cumdumps for awhile, I got way more into fucking the brother. I used him so much and so hard. He’s the first boy I whored out to other guys (including men online), the first I pissed on, first I pissed in and the first guy I fistfucked AND the first guy I strangled with my hands or wrapped my belt around their throat while fucking it from behind.

[Bottom Jim]

I was on swim team In my junior year of high school one of my mates came over after school

we were just watching tv when he out his hand on my crotch He then leaned in and kissed me on the lips. It was so hot we French kissed for about a half an hour. 
he then undid my pants and proceeded to suck my cock. I undid his pants and sucked his dick

We gradually took all our clothes off and we were kissing and sucking naked . He then turned me on my side and shoved his dick in my ass It hurt and then felt good . He fucked me for about 5 min and then moaned as he came

It felt real good, from that time forward I knew I wanted cum in my ass We fucked three or four times a week until graduation I also found other guys who wanted to fuck 

i don’t as hooked and never looked back

[Bokkierob]

I knew I was into men way before my first sexual encounter but that first time when my buddy's dad made me suck his cock just confirmed what I felt. As soon as my mouth closed over his penis I knew I wanted it. I swallowed his load and never looked back.

[reded]

well, once I realised I was gay, I was able to look back and see the signs going right back to primary school (like being obsessed and, in retorspect, in love with this other boy in my class when I was 6 or 7.  BUT... the actual moment I realised I was gay was when I was about 12/13 and wanking over straight porn - I had been wanking over my dad's girlie mags since I discovered where they were hidden when I was about 11, and I used to enjoy reading the readers letters describing their sexy exploits.  Then one day, while wanking over a story about a woman sucking off some garage mechanic, it occurred to me that when I imagined the scenario with me in it, it was ME sucking the dick. That was it, I knew then that I wanted sex with men - and it has only continued to grow since 🙂

[Pampix]

I discovered I liked men on a summercamp when I was 13. Being a betwetter since ever diapers came also with me to the summercamp for the night. I was always the last one to be put to bed to be diapered by one of the leaders of the group. First is was a girl but being anoyed because I got a stiffy when she diapered me one of the fellow leading guys started to diaper me. They made fun of me but that guy that must have been around 18 years old and that was very nice and gentle rubbed each day the diapercream a little deeper on and in my but after a few times he diapered me. After one week or so that he penatrated my butt with more then one finger; he pressed his penis against my ass and it went right away in me. He started moving and I heared his breathing accelerating while I was experiencing a very nice feeling in my tummy. He came then in me and called me a good boy and diapered me up. In the morning I felt a sticky substance in my diaper being his semen and I smelled at it and also tasted it and was not bad at all. It was a smell I did not know because I did not have ejaculations at that age. In the following week he also sucked several times my little penis but fnished each time by cumming in my bum. I am sure that it was on that camp that I linked diapers and sex and discovered gay sex that would be my sexuality for the most important part of my life. I did not have psychological issues because of that or I did not feel used, I felt pleasured and loved and wanted to do that also for others. The following years on summercamp I started also to suck dick from different boys. My parents were amazed that I got so enthusaistic for summercamp...

[Heir2012]

I must have been around 7 when my first crush on a guy happened. My school was elementary/middle/high school combined. There was a senior on the basketball team who I thought was gorgeous. I loved going to the games just to see him. At night, I'd fantasize about him and his naked body. I'd rub my dick, but I was so young I didn't know what masturbation was or being gay. All I knew was that I wanted to be near him. No clue what happened to him. 

[PendragonSpirit]

No specific instance/encounter in my case. Ever since I was a kid, I always chose my favorite actor/character/etc based on who I thought was most attractive... and it was always a man.