Can a str8 guy ask for love from a gay guy?

[Sharp-edge]

I'm always curious about the dynamics of love and whether they are or not bound to the limitations of one's gender and his orientation. These days I found myself with a couple of guys that we're being trained together. I knew that guy for a couple of years, we had been out together (along with others) but we were never friends. I just thought he was a nice guy to hang out. It's been some days now. We spent some hours together the past days. He's an interesting guy. He's smart (that's a quality I much admire yet rarely see) and he takes good care of himself. The later, somehow attracts me. I will always dress casually with a T-shirt. He's always more formal. I'm sure he flosses every night, his nails are always cut. He is lean and rather tall and he studies hard. I believe there are endless boxes in his mind in which he "places" things. We always had chemistry which I found peculiar. We're an abyss apart (I'm hairy, more muscled, I have a small beard, I tend to be more informal and don't like formalities).

Anyway, a couple of days ago we were talking and because someone said something he asked me if I play on my console (i bought an XBOX last year and thing is he remembered that one year later!). he said that he would so want to play (but he didn't quite mean he would come to my place, it's one of the things you just say). But.. I messaged him later and invited him. He came and he was formally dressed and had bought me some candies (that's so formal in my country at least). It's kinda odd because when you go to a friend/colleague or whatever you're supposed to be chill. But in the end we had lots of fun. He even messaged me to thank me. He invited me to his house which was more fun that I thought it would be. After some time he felt like talking and said he feels stressed etc etc and asked me how do I manage to do all the things that I do and still smiling. I told him my "moto" and he smiled back. He said some more things and I decided to hug him. It's not that easy. I always fear when I hug someone he will think I'm hitting on him. Interestingly, instead of doing it and move on he just put his head towards my chest somehow and stayed there. I was confused and all. I felt strange and my heart beat fast. He said if it's okay I told him yeah cool. We stayed like that for several minutes. I asked him if he wanted to watch a Netflix series together (Lockwood & Co which I loved btw) he said yes. We watched it together hugged. We watched another episode yesterday and we will see the rest. He said on his own that he's not gay or hitting on me he just needed a hug and he needed some emotional support? We still are on this hugging connection and I feel confused. Could it be just that? Someone who needs love, but not  sexual love?

[Searchingforit]

An interesting dilemma! I think your idea to just let it flow is the right one. He may be unsure about his sexuality or perhaps not even realise that he maybe has feelings for a man as that is outside his reality. He could also just need company expressed through touching and hugging.

I am sure you will give him the support he seeks and all will be revealed over time.

[BlackDude]

He’s gay. 

[Guest]

I got all tingly reading this. Go very slow, no rush, but keep the hugging going and see where it goes, 

[Sharp-edge]

On 2/15/2023 at 2:38 AM, BlackDude said:

He’s gay. 

I love  how direct and to the point that answer is haha

On 2/14/2023 at 8:40 PM, Searchingforit said:

An interesting dilemma! I think your idea to just let it flow is the right one. He may be unsure about his sexuality or perhaps not even realise that he maybe has feelings for a man as that is outside his reality. He could also just need company expressed through touching and hugging.

I am sure you will give him the support he seeks and all will be revealed over time.

I asked him if he feels attraction towards men and he said no. He likes having someone to trust, to protect and to feel protected and sometimes he likes the feeling of obedience. He doesn't feel comfortable in the idea of having sex though (he said). He's a very sweet guy though.

[downtownswallow]

Oftentimes, maturity (or lack thereof) influences some people's ability to sustain a relationship based on love.  When you're young, it's hard NOT to have a hardon.  Many men are consumed with sex...gay or hetero...as often as possible.  Having a single partner can be an impediment.  I went thru that phase and stayed clear of monogamy until I was in my 30's.  

[horndoggy]

He might have some unacknowledged sexual identity issues, but he could also be what he says he is: a straight guy who is starved for touch or affection. I suspect many nowadays are.

Go very slow, and let him make any moves to progress things. If the hugging and affection starts to work you up and sexually frustrate you, ease back and let him know why. If he is secretly gay or bi, it might encourage him to address it then, rather than give you up.

[Sharp-edge]

12 hours ago, horndoggy said:

He might have some unacknowledged sexual identity issues, but he could also be what he says he is: a straight guy who is starved for touch or affection. I suspect many nowadays are.

Go very slow, and let him make any moves to progress things. If the hugging and affection starts to work you up and sexually frustrate you, ease back and let him know why. If he is secretly gay or bi, it might encourage him to address it then, rather than give you up.

I'm just confused. I don't want to feel that I'm taking advantage of him in a moment of weakness. In  other words, I'm worried if he really likes my company or if he just needs "help" and I'm the most willing guy. He's a guy that takes care of himself. He's very clean, tidy, he takes care of his body. He is "functional". Why does he crave for a touch? Why didn't he have one? Was everyone too cool to care? If he's gay why isn't he saying so? He knows I won't judge. He tries to say thanks by always bringing a coffee or something. He does undress if I ask him to, he likes to be hugged like that. My dick gets hard, he will have surely noticed. Yet he is not into sex. Sometmes I wanna fuck him hard, but I hold back.

[tallslenderguy]

12 minutes ago, Sharp-edge said:

I'm just confused. I don't want to feel that I'm taking advantage of him in a moment of weakness. In  other words, I'm worried if he really likes my company or if he just needs "help" and I'm the most willing guy. He's a guy that takes care of himself. He's very clean, tidy, he takes care of his body. He is "functional". Why does he crave for a touch? Why didn't he have one? Was everyone too cool to care? If he's gay why isn't he saying so? He knows I won't judge. He tries to say thanks by always bringing a coffee or something. He does undress if I ask him to, he likes to be hugged like that. My dick gets hard, he will have surely noticed. Yet he is not into sex. Sometmes I wanna fuck him hard, but I hold back.

"The Spectrum Model of Sex, Gender and Sexuality"

"The spectrum model more accurately represents the ways in which an individual’s sex, gender identity, gender expression and sexual and romantic orientations do not always exist as opposite endpoints. They can exist in any combination, and a person's placement on one spectrum does not necessarily determine their placement on any of the others."   [think before following links] https://web.archive.org/web/20201103114503/[think before following links] https://www.usd.edu/diversity-and-inclusiveness/office-for-diversity/safe-zone-training/spectrum-model

my own take on relationship agrees with the copied and pasted info above.  i do not think there is such a thing as 100% compatibility between anyone. i think the tendency to think in binary terms is something we do to try to nail fluidity down to give us a sense of security. I.e., something in us equates static with security. But i wonder that the only truly static state of being in life is... death, the cessation of movement/fluidity. 

In the context of the "Spectrum Model...," it seems to me that the two of you are experiencing compatibility in some areas, but not in one that is clearly important to You. You wanna fuck, and he does not.  Or he may want to fuck, but is conflicted for other reasons. As an aside, i'd be curious if he is sexually active with women? Has he ever had sex? With a nod towards BlackDude, i too think one can be gay and asexual, though such a state of being would probably be almost impossible to fathom for most of us in the BZ community lol.   

 

[Sharp-edge]

2 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

"The Spectrum Model of Sex, Gender and Sexuality"

"The spectrum model more accurately represents the ways in which an individual’s sex, gender identity, gender expression and sexual and romantic orientations do not always exist as opposite endpoints. They can exist in any combination, and a person's placement on one spectrum does not necessarily determine their placement on any of the others."

I wasn't familiar with that model, yet it seems reasonable to me. He feels nice being hugged. That's way closer than a quick hug of a friend. That guy likes to be touched, wants to  get shirtless but does not want sex or anything sexual. He enjoys being told what to do (which makes me thing of submissive guys) yet he doesn't want to be fucked (which could be considered as a part of dominance maybe?). We do some things that could be considered sexual (or erotic). He used a body butter after I asked him, he likes me smell his scent. He likes to talk  a lot which is nice. I think it's very rare and  nice having someone showing to you his vulnerable time. At the same time he acts like he recognises all that and he tries to "compensate" by helping in every way he thinks. That  makes  me believe he is a nice person (which I always believed that).

But why not sex? I mean not with me, but with someone? He takes care of himself he likes to look nice. Can a person who is asexual take care of his body? Wouldn't he had no interest in that? I don't believe he is asexual though, some  times he gets hard. I don't touch his dick (he wears an underweaR) because he won't feel comfortable but it gets hard and some times  wet (precum  maybe). Could it be a trauma? He hasn't said such a thing. What is it that makes him need protection? Dunno..

[tallslenderguy]

4 minutes ago, Sharp-edge said:

I wasn't familiar with that model, yet it seems reasonable to me. He feels nice being hugged. That's way closer than a quick hug of a friend. That guy likes to be touched, wants to  get shirtless but does not want sex or anything sexual. He enjoys being told what to do (which makes me thing of submissive guys) yet he doesn't want to be fucked (which could be considered as a part of dominance maybe?). We do some things that could be considered sexual (or erotic). He used a body butter after I asked him, he likes me smell his scent. He likes to talk  a lot which is nice. I think it's very rare and  nice having someone showing to you his vulnerable time. At the same time he acts like he recognises all that and he tries to "compensate" by helping in every way he thinks. That  makes  me believe he is a nice person (which I always believed that).

But why not sex? I mean not with me, but with someone? He takes care of himself he likes to look nice. Can a person who is asexual take care of his body? Wouldn't he had no interest in that? I don't believe he is asexual though, some  times he gets hard. I don't touch his dick (he wears an underweaR) because he won't feel comfortable but it gets hard and some times  wet (precum  maybe). Could it be a trauma? He hasn't said such a thing. What is it that makes him need protection? Dunno..

Lol, well, i think BlackDude nailed it from the start: "he's gay."   If he gets hard with pre cum, it's hard for me to imagine a clearer or more telling barometer for sexual attraction than an erection leaking pre-cum. Wonder if he masturbates, and if he does, what he fantasizes about when he does?  i think he's clearly on the bi or gay side of the spectrum, is also sexually attracted to You, is on the sub side (which calls out to and naturally attracts Your Top/Dom nature).

i do not think is conflicted feelings towards his evident sexual desire for You are all that unusual. Read through the multitude of posts here, or any gay online hook up site, and You will run into many posts of guys who have fantasies about being forced to have sex with a Man, and they are not all 'rape' fantasies. Indeed, most are not. Personally, i think what is at the root of those kinds of fantasies is the guy wants, even needs, sex with a Man, but has some sort of conditioned fear or other conflict against it, often rooted in cultural notions that gays are less than, perverted, sick, immoral, etc., ad nauseam.  Since we cannot see inside his head, we don't know, but he could very well be trying to seduce You into making the decision for him.

Probably not, but it seems to me that he is obviously sexually attracted to You... to me, there's really no question there. The question to me is why he is afraid to have sex with You? i think his cock, and so much else, is telling You he wants You and sex with You, but he has some sort of reason or block against getting what he wants/needs. And again, that is not at all unusual... lot's of guys have that issue coming to terms with their sexual and/or romantic attraction to other men. 

[viking8x6]

In my personal experience, it is perfectly possible, and maybe even common, for people (including myself) to experience love that does not match up with their "sexual orientation", by which I mean the gender(s) that they normally find erotically attractive. Also, people can act on these feelings of love in many ways, including physical ways up to and including intercourse. If they are level-headed people with their own robust identities and not too much regard for societal programming, these actions need not cause trouble or anxiety. It's when we buy into the neuroses dumped on us by our environment that things get ugly.

@tallslenderguy's mention of the spectrum model is quite apropos. Consideration of sexual attraction as a spectrum has been scientifically respectable at least since the 1950s and the publication of Kinsey's research. I was a guest on a daytime talk show segment on bisexuality back in the early 1990s, and spoke out about the spectrum in response to the host's (possibly deliberately) ignorant question about people being either straight or gay.

My own opinion now (and for many years) is that a single spectrum is actually inadequate to describe human sexual response, which is very complex and can be quite situational even within one individual.

 

 

[Sharp-edge]

1 hour ago, tallslenderguy said:

Probably not, but it seems to me that he is obviously sexually attracted to You... to me, there's really no question there. The question to me is why he is afraid to have sex with You? i think his cock, and so much else, is telling You he wants You and sex with You, but he has some sort of reason or block against getting what he wants/needs. And again, that is not at all unusual... lot's of guys have that issue coming to terms with their sexual and/or romantic attraction to other me

I try to answer this. Maybe he's afraid of my dick, it's not easy to handle 😛 But seriously I don't know. Maybe he had a bad experience or he has an innate fear for the whole act? Maybe he fears that gay sex will result in STIs? But his "profile" doesn't match this fear. He's an educated guy, a good looking one so  technically he should be free of these wories, he could reason them he is very smart. And he is not 18yo to be a scared boy. I'm not pushing him at all, maybe that's why he feels safe. I  know some guys like jerking off together but he doesnt do that either with me. And it was him who started all that so he must be confident abbout it. Oh and I know he has fucked with girls so he's not a virgin.

[tallslenderguy]

42 minutes ago, Sharp-edge said:

I try to answer this. Maybe he's afraid of my dick, it's not easy to handle 😛 But seriously I don't know. Maybe he had a bad experience or he has an innate fear for the whole act? Maybe he fears that gay sex will result in STIs? But his "profile" doesn't match this fear. He's an educated guy, a good looking one so  technically he should be free of these wories, he could reason them he is very smart. And he is not 18yo to be a scared boy. I'm not pushing him at all, maybe that's why he feels safe. I  know some guys like jerking off together but he doesnt do that either with me. And it was him who started all that so he must be confident abbout it. Oh and I know he has fucked with girls so he's not a virgin.

Unfortunately, you cannot answer this, only he can, eh?  

As far as a dick not being easy to handle: "practice, practice, practice" is my motto (and most here can attest that practice works lol).

As far as fear is concerned? Eesh, that can have all sorts of causes, but i don't think a rational mind overcomes fear as a rule. It may help us overcome fear, but i don't think cognitive reason eradicates fear. Nor does age, there are people who go to their grave imprisoned by fear. i think fear is often both genetic and conditioned in. i appreciate that You are not pushing him... i think that it's ultimately wrong to violate a persons volition, even when some think they want that. They are still not free if someone else makes the decision for them.  

i think he's confident because he has control. 

He's not a virgin when it comes to girls and fucking... but he may be a bottom ('likes to obey') who needs Your cock... and my guess is he is a virgin when it comes to having a Man slide His cock into him and breed him. 

[horndoggy]

10 hours ago, Sharp-edge said:

I'm just confused. I don't want to feel that I'm taking advantage of him in a moment of weakness. In  other words, I'm worried if he really likes my company or if he just needs "help" and I'm the most willing guy. He's a guy that takes care of himself. He's very clean, tidy, he takes care of his body. He is "functional". Why does he crave for a touch? Why didn't he have one? Was everyone too cool to care?

From some of your later comments, especially how he gets hard and wet snuggling up to you, I’m mentally adjusting my “maybe he’s straight” to “maybe he’s bi” as his behaviour tap dances up the Kinsey scale.

My own confusing personal experience with this sort of thing goes back 25 to 30 years ago when to company I was working with as a consultant suddenly decided I spoke sufficient Spanish, (a laugh given that I’m a French Canadian who barely speaks French) and started posting me to long term development jobs in Latin America. Back then, younger, cosmopolitan straight Latin American guys in the cities I worked in were quite affectionate with each other, and I kept dealing with these attractive young men who kept sitting on the arms of my chair, putting their arm around me, and touching their head to mine.

When I finally finagled things where it wasn’t out of place to invite one of them out for dinner, he cheerfully spent half the meal inquiring if I had “accepted Jesus Christ into my heart” and was rather nonplussed by my gentle agnosticism. 🙄