Becoming infatuated with my best mate

[SamBedderz9031]

Hi everyone, I’m Sam, using my real name as I think it’s quite a common name. If I ended up making one up I would just use another really basic name so may as well use my own lol.

I’m 30 years old from Manchester in the UK.

I’m really at a point in my life right now where I’m struggling. I feel so stupid and I honestly don’t know what to do about how I’m feeling. I’m struggling to function.

Im a dad of two children. Both under 4. I’m also married. Absolutely no problems in the marriage whatsoever. I’m happy generally speaking.

I’ve got a best friend, his name Tom. I was considering changing his name but I weighed up the options and thought we aren’t known enough to be identified outside of this forum, so I’m not going to pretend, that’s his real name.

Tom and I have been friends, best friends since primary school. We’ve been through secondary together, even university. We lived together through uni, we bought an apartment together as a first home, did a bit of work together, but when we were 25 got our own jobs and he’s just gone from strength to strength in finance, I work for a local council. A couple of years ago I let Tom move his now wife into our home as I moved into my own wife’s house.

The last few years we’ve both started our own families. I’ve known my wife 6 years now, Toms wife he’s also known since school so obviously I know her too. Lovely girl. My wife gets on with her. We’ve supported each other through the birth of our children.Funnily enough we both have two children, both born just weeks apart from each other. Everything in unison lol.

I’m so proud of my pal how well in work life he’s done. I would be honest and say I haven’t made it to the exact same heights as him, but throughout our lives, everything we’ve done is support each other.

I will never forget our uni days, we did some modelling together, worked in sports stores, modelling for certain brands, the adventures we had, the fun nights out.

I lost my mum in really sad circumstances back in 2016, Tom was my rock through that time. Nothing has ever got inbetween our friendship.

I got married to my partner, all absolutely amazing. Recently Tom get married, almost one year to the day of my marriage.

Tom’s wedding day was like something you would see a footballer or film star have. It was very let’s say perfect. I hate using that word.
Tom’s wife certainly knows what she wants and she certainly got it. It was very her and Tom loved it. Obviously I was his best man. I made that day for him his dream. Nothing short of perfection was good enough for him in my mind. It was absolutely beautiful.

The last few months my life has changed I’ve cut down my work hours mainly to be more of a stay at home dad as my wife had an amazing career opportunity I didn’t want her to pass up on, so I cut down my hours substantially. I love my kids more than life itself. Me and Tom constantly are in contact.
The last couple of months, Tom and his wife have been having loads of mini holidays, weekends away, unfortunately I can’t do that due to my wife’s work so I thought I would help out by being the Mr reliable babysitter. Meaning I’m in charge of 4 kids quite a lot of the weekends recently. Good job I’m up for a challenge.
I love it. Love the chaos. I know Toms children well and both my eldest and Toms eldest are like mini versions of us becoming best friends too. It’s amazing to witness.

We've literally lived life together in the most beautiful intense way.

Tom I would describe as an absolute perfect looking guy. He’s fit, he’s got a great body, he’s charming, he’s polite… everything.

How would i describe myself? I look after myself but I’ve not been in the same position to be able to maintain myself to the standard he has, let’s put it that way, trying to be kind to myself lol.

A few weeks ago Toms wife was working away, I went over to his house for dinner and a night on the Xbox, I was staying over, remember his house is the one I still half own and used to live in full time.

My wife and went to her parents with all the children including Toms.

Me and Tom that evening made a nice meal before our Xbox night. It was great just me and him again. I told him how much I had missed just us chilling without responsibility, he agreed. We get quite competitive on the Xbox. I won after 4 hours of solid play.

Tom was happy in defeat, we had a bit of a cushion fight like idiots.

Got quite full on andTom was just playing. We both were, and we were just messing about and we were you know had our hands on each other fighting like we were teenagers again. We were laughing. Tom got up and said he was gonna go shower.

I said I would have one too he said come in my room in 5 he would get me some towels sorted etc. No worries, 5 mins later I went to his room. He had his top off. Just carrying on getting his things ready and pointed towards the towels. Then he just stood talking to me. I was almost having a panic attack looking at him. I can’t explain it. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. I identify myself as a straight guy. So is Tom. Never done anything or shown interest in men.

Both of us have been comfortable around each other in the past with our bodies, we’ve done topless modelling together before as well as you know changing rooms stuff like that. Never been a problem. That moment thought I was just in awe of him and looking at him differently. I can’t understand it.

I told him I felt unwell. He came towards me and said sit down lad. He helped guide me towards the edge of the bed and sat next to me with his arm around me. I just told him I felt faint. It was a really hot night temperature wise. He sat there talking to me for 5 minutes, I told him I was ok then he went to shower.

I was in his room. I don’t know WTF was wrong with me, I just started looking round his room, going through his drawers. I felt weird. Like seriously wtf was I doing. I am ashamed to say I even opened his laundry basket. I wasn’t even looking or touched anything, I was just going through the motions.

I grabbed the towels and went to the room next door got myself ready for the shower. I went on the landing, Tom was still in there. I know the layout of the house and it’s as if my mind was saying just open the door. Never once when we lived together did we ever lock the bathroom door. So it was open. I could still hear the water, there was no chance he would see or hear me if I went in which I did, I didn’t even think, I just opened the door. Tom had a radio on, I looked round the corner towards the shower.

Tom was facing away from me, he was stood there I could see his ass, and could obviously see his hand doing what he was doing stood up. I heard him make one noise of pleasure and I got out of there went into my old bedroom and closed the door. I burst into tears.

I don’t know what was wrong with me.
I’ve never been the same since.

10 minutes later Tom came in dressed and clean and just said I can go in now.

I had my shower. I don’t want to say how I was or what I did in there, but I got out and then went straight to bed.

The next morning we had breakfast. I had to tell him I wasn’t well and went home. That’s the first time in my life I have ever been uncomfortable in my best mates company. This was only a few weeks after his most beautiful wedding and the wedding day I helped make possible for him which will be in my heart forever.

A couple of weekends ago, I babysat for him again. We had still been texting and in touch but obviously I had that night on my mind and it had been playing on my mind too.

Had a beautiful weekend with his children, but on the Sunday evening I got the kids ready to go back to toms about 90 minutes earlier than agreed. I was feeling quite tired with an early start the following day.

I had a key for toms house to take them home so that wasn’t a problem I didn’t ring Tom obviously as my idea was to surprise both Tom and his wife by getting them to bed nice and settled after their date night or wherever they were going.

I got to the apartment and their cars were there, but that didn’t matter or ring alarm bells as they’re so close to the city they walk in and out of it anyway.

I put my AirPods in as I was getting the kids out listening to a podcast and just zoned out a bit. I went inside the house with the young kids and everything was quiet or so I thought. No signs of anybody in, I went into the living room I clearly hadn’t heard anything due to me listening to the podcast and I literally walked in seeing Tom in Missionary Position with his wife on the sofa banging the hell out of her. I froze. They had no idea I had come in I pulled my airpods out my ears I could just hear Tom moaning and saying things to her. The boys were quiet there is no doors to open and close. I literally couldn’t move. I eventually started to back out before anybody saw me…

I got back out the apartment. I just put the door slightly closed no noises and I just backed off to my car, gave it 15 minutes with the boys and then called him and said I was here, then basically ran to the door before he saw it was unlocked. When I called him he clearly wasn’t finished and when he met me at the door he was a little offhand in only the tame way Tom could be.

I went back home and all I could think about was what I saw. It remained burned in my mind. I still haven’t recovered from it.

Last week Tom called me he wanted my help being referee for a football game at a club he volunteers at. I agreed. I hadn’t been texting him everyday.

I did the match with him. He was more than fine with me. I felt I was being off hand a bit.

In the staff showers it was just me and him. I just wanted to be normal. All of this was normal up until this point in our lives.

I was in there with him, Tom went straight in the shower he was talking to me whilst in there, I couldn’t stop looking at him. I got incredibly hard whilst looking at him. I had to hide it and make excuses why I couldn’t shower.

I lied to him that my wife needed me at home. He even offered to drive me. I just wanted to be away from him. When I got in the first thing I did was literally just wank. It scared me and it has scared me ever since. I was looking at photos of me and him over the years. Every little innocent photo of us I was twisting in my mind. I couldn’t stop looking at him. It was a photo from his wedding day that got me in the end.

Since then and that was only a few days ago, I’ve just been depressed beyond belief. I can’t stop thinking about him and looking at him. I don’t know what to do. These feelings are suddenly so powerful in my mind. I’ve almost lost control. I’m worried about the state I’m getting myself into. I feel like I love him. It’s the most weird thing ever. What’s wrong with me? Why now? I don’t want to lose him.

He’s coming round my house tonight. I don’t know how to be. It’s making me unwell and distressed about seeing him.

I can’t understand how I’ve got Like this.
If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. I found this forum through stress browsing in the early hours. Found so many varied topics. Thought this would be the place to be and go seek some help.

Sorry to bother you with this lads.

Sam

[viking8x6]

Well, I don't know that this is the best forum to be asking that sort of question, but you could do worse - there are a lot of people here who have learnt long ago not to make too many assumptions about what makes people tick.

First off, I would advise you to get some professional help. I say that because you are so wholly blindsided by the situation. This is not something you ever imagined or thought about, and you have no context for it. Some of the things people will say here may be hard to figure, because they may take for granted that you know things that you really don't know at all.

As to the situation, let me take a stab at sorting it a little. Mind you, I may be way off base, but at least you can see how one outsider looks at things:

Tom is your BFF. You've been friends with him all your life. That means, in my book, that you love him - you have strong feelings for him and a relationship that qualifies in human terms as familial. Suddenly, you've discovered that buried inside, you have a physical attraction as well. That's actually a totally normal thing to happen, and "gay" and "straight" don't come into it at all. So cut yourself some slack there.

What to do about it? First of all, you don't have to do anything. You could keep quiet about it and have things go on just as they did. It would simply be very uncomfortable for you. Unrequited feelings also happen all the time. You might get used to it and be able to live with it. You might find it unendurable. But it won't kill you, and probably won't drive you crazy. On the other hand, it sounds like you're in the under 35 age bracket. From what I've seen (even here in rural WV, which is a pretty conservative area), many people in that generation and the one following have much more open ideas about sex and sexuality than people my age (though not all of us oldsters are prudes). So it might be OK to talk with Tom about it. It might even be OK to act on it. He wouldn't necessarily feel the same way you do, but people have sexual relations for all kinds of reasons, not just because they have lust for one another.

So be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, and work through it patiently. The thing you're dealing with is not simple or easy, but many people have done it over many years, and you can, too.

I'll close with this: My BFF (we met in college) came on to me while were were in college, though he is definitely basically straight. We have played several times, and it has always been a wonderful treat. Neither of us have ever really had the hots for the other. It's been simply a physical expression of love.

[SamBedderz9031]

9 minutes ago, viking8x6 said:

Well, I don't know that this is the best forum to be asking that sort of question, but you could do worse - there are a lot of people here who have learnt long ago not to make too many assumptions about what makes people tick.

First off, I would advise you to get some professional help. I say that because you are so wholly blindsided by the situation. This is not something you ever imagined or thought about, and you have no context for it. Some of the things people will say here may be hard to figure, because they may take for granted that you know things that you really don't know at all.

As to the situation, let me take a stab at sorting it a little. Mind you, I may be way off base, but at least you can see how one outsider looks at things:

Tom is your BFF. You've been friends with him all your life. That means, in my book, that you love him - you have strong feelings for him and a relationship that qualifies in human terms as familial. Suddenly, you've discovered that buried inside, you have a physical attraction as well. That's actually a totally normal thing to happen, and "gay" and "straight" don't come into it at all. So cut yourself some slack there.

What to do about it? First of all, you don't have to do anything. You could keep quiet about it and have things go on just as they did. It would simply be very uncomfortable for you. Unrequited feelings also happen all the time. You might get used to it and be able to live with it. You might find it unendurable. But it won't kill you, and probably won't drive you crazy. On the other hand, it sounds like you're in the under 35 age bracket. From what I've seen (even here in rural WV, which is a pretty conservative area), many people in that generation and the one following have much more open ideas about sex and sexuality than people my age (though not all of us oldsters are prudes). So it might be OK to talk with Tom about it. It might even be OK to act on it. He wouldn't necessarily feel the same way you do, but people have sexual relations for all kinds of reasons, not just because they have lust for one another.

So be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, and work through it patiently. The thing you're dealing with is not simple or easy, but many people have done it over many years, and you can, too.

I'll close with this: My BFF (we met in college) came on to me while were were in college, though he is definitely basically straight. We have played several times, and it has always been a wonderful treat. Neither of us have ever really had the hots for the other. It's been simply a physical expression of love.

Thank you so much for this reply. I’ve a lot to think about there. I found this forum by accident, I don’t know where else I could have posted. My mind is going round all sorts of directions.

I truly appreciate your advice I really do. I’m listening. 

[PozTalkAuthor]

Many times in this post you ask "what's wrong with me?" This is the horrible culture we're grown up: only thing socially recognized about sexuality is "find a girl, settle down, get married and have kids" cutting all the rest off but do you want to hear a news? NOTHING is wrong, except things done without consent or full conscience (minors, animals, abuse of vulnerable people)... That stuff is wrong and thankfully law punishes it, but sexuality is so fucking complex! You have never looked at men before? And, what if I tell you that you're maybe in a phase of life where you're realizing your true self, your true desire? 

I'm smiling when reading this post as, well, I'm almost 20 years older than you and my current partner is 53. But listen... I am happy with my sexuality, I don't dislike women but I prefer men for the most. And him? 

We've been co-workers and best friends for 12 years. We were already adults when we met at work almost 13 years ago, I was in a monogamous relationship with so-called "mr. right" who turned into "mr. asshole" as soon as I caught him cheating on me and then he gave me HIV. 

Well, I always had felt something for my co-worker, but he was engaged to his girl! I was next to him when he thought to have impregnated her -thankfully fake alarm-; he was next to me when I tested HIV positive and broke up with mr. asshole... 

Looking back, it was clear his relationship couldn't work well as he jumped from a bed to another and he confessed his fears of AIDS to me... Despite it he continued with risky sex... 

12 years spent with me thinking he was inaccessible due to his marriage, him probably thinking I was such because of my HIV status... We spent years as best friends, with him asking me questions, confident explicit questions about "how it is freeing to cum in an ass without fear to impregnate" and then going a step backwards "oops you might have something worse to give a man" with that I explained about Prep, about "undetectable untransmittable", I threw the bait towards him, but he made two steps backwards then! I fell into an abusive relationship in that period. 

Things changed when he found confirmation to his suspicion: his wife had (and has always had) another man. What to do, what not to do, no kids were involved, he hadn't never wanted to become father. 

So, making story short, our sexual confidence started with a bet once we worked from home, soon after I kicked my latest abusive ex. "the loser strips naked" then a cuddle led to another. 

And yes, when he told me "I love you" for the first time, he exploded in tears and said "it's all wrong, we shouldn't"... And I replied "you just should get divorced, let your wife live the life she wants, and you live yours". Without kids and with his wife's consent to split, it has been quite easy. An already split couple who had to confirm it legally - it has happened many times to meet her with her new partner, another woman, with another smile. 

What to suggest you for your case? If you're really best friends, well, throw the bait using general issues, eventually talking about a movie regarding a love affair between men, try to explore his thoughts, to talk about friendships turning into love, well, I don't know you but go one step at a time. 

Avoiding him, is worse! Thinking about wives and kids? It's not the time yet! Because if you discover he's scaringly homophobic, your hope could be lost. Or at least you should study it because homophobia might mean repressed homosexuality. I'm not a psy, I'm a computer worker! And, I'm partnered with a guy who said "oh fuck, I had to arrive at 53 to discover what real love means! I'm 53 with many sex experiences and I knew nothing about sex..." You're 30 and in time to yet grow up sexually LOL!!! Good luck, seriously.

[SamBedderz9031]

11 minutes ago, PozTalkAuthor said:

Many times in this post you ask "what's wrong with me?" This is the horrible culture we're grown up: only thing socially recognized about sexuality is "find a girl, settle down, get married and have kids" cutting all the rest off but do you want to hear a news? NOTHING is wrong, except things done without consent or full conscience (minors, animals, abuse of vulnerable people)... That stuff is wrong and thankfully law punishes it, but sexuality is so fucking complex! You have never looked at men before? And, what if I tell you that you're maybe in a phase of life where you're realizing your true self, your true desire? 

I'm smiling when reading this post as, well, I'm almost 20 years older than you and my current partner is 53. But listen... I am happy with my sexuality, I don't dislike women but I prefer men for the most. And him? 

We've been co-workers and best friends for 12 years. We were already adults when we met at work almost 13 years ago, I was in a monogamous relationship with so-called "mr. right" who turned into "mr. asshole" as soon as I caught him cheating on me and then he gave me HIV. 

Well, I always had felt something for my co-worker, but he was engaged to his girl! I was next to him when he thought to have impregnated her -thankfully fake alarm-; he was next to me when I tested HIV positive and broke up with mr. asshole... 

Looking back, it was clear his relationship couldn't work well as he jumped from a bed to another and he confessed his fears of AIDS to me... Despite it he continued with risky sex... 

12 years spent with me thinking he was inaccessible due to his marriage, him probably thinking I was such because of my HIV status... We spent years as best friends, with him asking me questions, confident explicit questions about "how it is freeing to cum in an ass without fear to impregnate" and then going a step backwards "oops you might have something worse to give a man" with that I explained about Prep, about "undetectable untransmittable", I threw the bait towards him, but he made two steps backwards then! I fell into an abusive relationship in that period. 

Things changed when he found confirmation to his suspicion: his wife had (and has always had) another man. What to do, what not to do, no kids were involved, he hadn't never wanted to become father. 

So, making story short, our sexual confidence started with a bet once we worked from home, soon after I kicked my latest abusive ex. "the loser strips naked" then a cuddle led to another. 

And yes, when he told me "I love you" for the first time, he exploded in tears and said "it's all wrong, we shouldn't"... And I replied "you just should get divorced, let your wife live the life she wants, and you live yours". Without kids and with his wife's consent to split, it has been quite easy. An already split couple who had to confirm it legally - it has happened many times to meet her with her new partner, another woman, with another smile. 

What to suggest you for your case? If you're really best friends, well, throw the bait using general issues, eventually talking about a movie regarding a love affair between men, try to explore his thoughts, to talk about friendships turning into love, well, I don't know you but go one step at a time. 

Avoiding him, is worse! Thinking about wives and kids? It's not the time yet! Because if you discover he's scaringly homophobic, your hope could be lost. Or at least you should study it because homophobia might mean repressed homosexuality. I'm not a psy, I'm a computer worker! And, I'm partnered with a guy who said "oh fuck, I had to arrive at 53 to discover what real love means! I'm 53 with many sex experiences and I knew nothing about sex..." You're 30 and in time to yet grow up sexually LOL!!! Good luck, seriously.

Wow what a life. I appreciate you sharing your story mate. That’s so much to take in. 
I’ve got him coming round shortly uk time. I’m all over the place. I’ve never been like this before. I realistically have no idea how to behave towards him. Turn the clock back just a month and I never would have expected to be in this position right now. 
 

 

[PozTalkAuthor]

Do what your heart suggests to do... Sorry I can't suggest you a book or movie with LGBT love in mind right now, try with a bait at a time and, as I told you in other place, you should search for a gay/LGBT association to confront with, in your area. Given many subjects discussed on this community, I'm not sure Breeding Zone is the best thing for someone who has questions on his real feelings. Let's say it's like you want to try spices and you start with the strongest Mexican meal LOL

[BlindRawFucker1]

I have no idea if what I am going to say will help in any way.

 

I have two best friends.  Both are totally straight.

 

I’ve know one for 45 years, and the other 25.

 

I’ve loved the one I’ve know for 25 years since the moment I met him.  The feelings have only grown stronger over the years.  Both guys know I’m gay, and totally supportive.

 

I know nothing will happen between him and myself.  I’d rather have him as my friend, than ruin things by telling him how I feel.  He’s married with a young son.  I wouldn’t destroy that.

 

You have decisions to make.

 

Tell him and risk what may or may not happen.

 

Don’t tell him and walk away from the relationship.

 

Or, swallow your feelings, and keep him as your friend, and the person who is like a brother to you.

 

Both of my friends are more than brothers to me.  I don’t know what I’d do without either of them.

 

The decision belongs to you.  You can’t control his reaction.

 

Good luck.

[SamBedderz9031]

Really struggling still with this. I babysat again last night. Seen him not long ago collecting his son. It’s changing my behaviour towards him. He’s so hot and I can’t see past it now. 

[ErosWired]

You are describing feelings of strong anxiety that result from experiencing emotions you are unaccustomed to without framework for dealing with them. The intensity of these novel emotions has taken you by surprise, and left you uncertain how to respond. Because it is uncharacteristic of you, it has left you questioning whether there is something wrong with you, or, if there isn't, what this change could possibly mean. The fact that you are feeling a level of distress that is causing you to feel physically unwell, and is causing you to alter the way you behave around others, speaks to something other than a casual infatuation.

First, the immediate and practical:

Don't panic.

You say you've almost lost control. No, you haven't. You are going to remain in control of this situation. The feelings you are experiencing are happening inside you, and will not be evident to anyone else unless to act on them in a way to demonstrate them. You need not do so. When you feel these strong emotions, you may find yourself feeling that you won't be able to stand it unless you act on them, or won't be able to constrain yourself, but in fact, you will, and you can. The first thing to do when confronted by these moments of anxiety is to control your breathing. Take deep, slow, regular breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Focus on the pattern of breathing until you have regular control. This will create a physical system of feedback that will enable to you to gain a sense of stability through anxiety, and apply a calmer mind to the problem at hand.

Walk away, when you can. Remove yourself from the stimulus that is generating the immediate conundrum. Allow yourself time to process emotion without piling more on.

Reduce the immediate physical stress level by tightening and releasing muscle groups in your body, starting with the extremities and working inward. Tighten, hold, then release.

Second, ask yourself why this is causing you distress:

This man has been your best friend through most of your life, and you have in many ways measured your own success and life experience by comparing yours to his. You make this clear in many ways in your narrative. You admire him, you value his friendship and companionship, you take pride in his accomplishments. You have been participants, to a greater or lesser degree, in each other's lives from an early period to the present.

A few years ago, however, the closeness of the bond between the two of you was divided to a degree, as is natural when men marry and form families. He could no longer be as invested in you personally, nor you him. Wives can be demanding on one's time (God knows) and children can, and should, become the center of a father's concern. One question you may ask yourself is, do you feel as though he is slipping away from you at some level, as though you are losing a bond by which you have defined yourself for most of your life?

You describe yourself being satisfied in a heterosexual marriage with children. You don't describe a history of same-sex experiences in your narrative, and explain that you are taken aback by an unexpected attraction to the sight of your friend's body, and the sight of him having sex with his wife—yet you've found your way to a site devoted in the main to homosexual bareback sex, where you are asking this question. Something led you here. To what extent have you spent time examining your own feelings about same-sex attraction in general, not just toward your mate? This will require some frank self-honesty, and a willingness to (at least temporarily) set aside any preconceived notions of morality or religion) to allow a straight-up, just-the-facts self-examination.

It's notable, for instance, that you describe seeing your friend naked in the bathroom, and tell us what you saw him doing in enough detail that it's clear that you watched him masturbate, but you then tell us you got in the shower and gloss over your own behavior entirely: "I don’t want to say how I was or what I did in there." This suggests shame or a strong reluctance to confront your own feelings. If you are to relieve the distress you feel when you have these feelings, you must get to the bottom of why they trouble you so greatly that you won't put them into words. It may be that putting them into frank, direct words may help you sort out their meaning for you.

Third, going forward:

I would suggest that you need to complete some measure of the self-searching described above before you attempt to relate any of this to your friend. It's not a question of whether you tell him until you know what to tell him. I would also suggest that you give yourself permission to feel these uncertain emotions, and permission to explore them in your thoughts, but not attempt to act on them while they are still causing you distress.

Recognize that the roles that you both occupy are substantially different than the roles you once occupied, and that you will never again be the same men you were when you were single and could be devoted to one another. That ship has sailed, and you are both now captains of your own vessels, under separate sail. You must grow apart in some ways, even if you grow alongside one another, like a tree that branches into two trunks; you will always share common roots. Explore in your mind how your life looks in this context.

Given the level of mental distress and physical and behavioral effect that you describe, you may well wish to consider looking into some clinical evaluation. In any psychological evaluation, distress is usually a primary diagnostic factor. There's not necessarily any reason to suppose that you are experiencing anything beyond an unexpected coping with changing life circumstances, but the relatively sudden, unexpected, and intense onset of this episode may be worth looking at from a clinical perspective. The degree to which what is happening is truly psychologically uncharacteristic of you (as opposed to simply repressed) is a matter that may be most effectively explored in a therapeutic setting.

 

Everything's going to be all right. You're not losing it. The sky isn't falling. Go let your kids remind you what's really important today.

Edited June 26, 2023 by ErosWired

[SamBedderz9031]

I’m beyond moved by the post above! So much to take in and analyse there thank you. Seriously. 

[SamBedderz9031]

No regrets finding this site and posting here! Everyone has been so kind, welcoming and understanding. 

[PigBoyDallas]

I would strongly suggest finding a therapist to talk to about this. Sexuality is a scale and few guys are all straight or all gay, most are in the middle somewhere. Sexuality is also fluid. You may not have been attracted to guys before but now are, nothing wrong there. Also, please consider this. You are grappling with insecurities and doubts. You look at Tom and see a confident self-assured man. You wish you could be him. Perhaps you'd like him to be your protector or maybe a father figure of sorts, perhaps a mentor. We often confuse these feelings with sexual attraction but the truth is it gets blurry and confused. Being a father is challenging and confusing as well as frustrating. Perhaps you're feeling inadequate or not up to the task of being a father and a husband. That's understandable. We all have feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Talking this over with a therapist will likely help sort things. But some of the behavior you describe is a bit unusual and odd quite frankly, bordering on obsessive. I don't say that to judge, but thats indicative that you need some help.

[SamBedderz9031]

Really appreciate the replies I’ve had on this topic. I’ve taken some discussion to DMS. The situation is ongoing and continuing to make me worry and a bit stressed. I’ve never had feelings for a man before, it’s weird how much these feelings are growing. It’s getting stronger and stronger. 😞 if anybody can help me go through this. Please. Get in touch. 

[cub84]

Strongly support the recommendation to talk to a counsellor/therapist, though what with the state of the NHS you’d almost certainly need to go private.

You mention you work for the council, most public sector employers in the UK have an employee assistance provider that can offer confidential counselling, with my previous employer you were able to get up to 12 sessions in a year. You can talk to them about any issue not just work related things. Similarly if you’re a member of a trade union some of them provide access to counselling services for their members 

There are also two national LGBT helpline services:

• Switchboard, you can call them on 0800 0119 0100 (10:00-22:00 every day) or email them on hello@switchboard.lgbt (replies guaranteed within 5 days), they also offer a web chat service [think before following links] https://switchboard.lgbt/
• LGBT Foundation, you can call them on 0345 3 30 30 30 (9:00-21:00 weekdays, 10:00-17:30 weekends) or email them on helpline@lgbt.foundation (replies guaranteed within 10 days) [think before following links] https://lgbt.foundation/helpline

You can phone either of these to talk confidentially with a trained volunteer that can provide advice and support, and they can put you in contact with other services. This will offer you an immediate opportunity to talk with someone confidentially about your situation which I think will be helpful, and help you to figure out what next.

To find a counsellor or therapist outside of these routes use a service like the Counselling Directory (a general directory of UK counselling services and counsellors) you can filter for those who specialise in LGBT+ and sexuality issues. Alternatively, Pink Therapy is a specific directory of counsellors that support LGBT+ clients.

Like I said at the start, really recommend talking to a professional about your situation. They can help you to process your thoughts and understand them better, to understand whether it’s an infatuation borne out of the differences between you two or is it because you are genuinely attracted to him. Everyone’s sexuality evolves over time, for some it’s preferring a different type of man/woman than they used to or developing a new kink, but for some it’s more fundamental and involves moving along the scale and realising they’re not as straight as they thought they were. I know a couple of folk who only discovered they were bi or gay after 30, so you’re not alone if that’s what this is.

I’ve also written this assuming you don’t have a friend, family member or colleague you can talk about your feelings with in confidence, or rather for any other matter you’d be talking to Tom about it to get his advice. Obviously that’s a non-starter at this point. But you never know maybe there is someone you can trust.

Good luck buddy.

Edited June 27, 2023 by cub84
Added links

[Guest]

Reminded me of Brokeback Mountain.