Is it okay to ask someone to get tested before we meet

[quickyforme458]

I honestly feel bad for asking anyone but I feel like I should for my safety and there's I would.

[Njn0mc]

The guys i play with wanted to see the reports before we all played. 

With a clean report they get as wild as they wanted

[ellentonboy]

I don't recall anyone every asking me to see any kind of medical reports - EVER.  Now have they asked me, sure.  I have a friend who actually posts his results above his toilet in his bathroom, frankly I am not going that far.

If I meet someone from BBRT the question of status is there, I believe on A4A as well.  If you have been online in a specific geographic area for a number of years many people have a good idea of your status.  I have had Xanax and  sleeping pills stolen from my house ONCE, it never happened again and every time I am "hosting" my medications are locked up and put away.

But I am not about to hand over my latest Quest Diagnostics report, no way. no how.

[viking8x6]

It is okay? Well...

It's not illegal or immoral.

But as you phrased it ("ask someone to get tested"), it could (and likely would) be considered offensive by a whole bunch of people, because it implies one of a number of very unflattering things - they don't take care of themselves by getting tested already, they are lying to you, you suspect them of having ill intent toward you, etc.

I would suggest asking them their status in a tactful way. The words I've personally come up with for that conversation are "hey, do you have anything catching?" This phrasing has the following benefits:

• It assumes they know, but if they haven't tested, the onus is on them to admit that they don't know
• It can honestly be answered "no" by people who are undetectable poz, or who had an STI that is now cured (but might still show a positive test of some kind)
• It explicitly includes STIs other than HIV, which are no fun either

 

[norefusal]

are we sure it's neither illegal or immoral? it's sounds like a direct violation of the hipaa act as well as an over reach of one's authority. 

you have the right to refuse to sleep with people but you don't have the right to request they seek medical help. 

if you can't trust someone don't fuck em. otherwise, that's why condoms exist. 

[giraffeelephant]

Your boundaries matter here.
 

There could be downsides to asking, of course. You cannot prevent someone from being bothered by asking. It might mean you get to have less sex. It also might not guarantee honesty. It might mean a few awkward conversations while you figure out your limits alongside your scripts. 
 

But, personally, as someone who fucks any hole that wiggles in front of me, as least for a brief plunge, I would be turned on by someone asking about my testing. Let’s say you said, “Hey, I’m trying to be the best cumdump I can be, and stay in commission for as long as possible. Can you let me know when you were last tested and whether you know if you had any positive results?” I would happily oblige. 
 

It’s not unethical or illegal to ask for someone’s medical details as an individual person making choices about your sexual behavior. It might be a social faux pas to some people, and it’s up to you how you want to navigate your social group. 

[giraffeelephant]

1 hour ago, norefusal said:

1 hour ago, norefusal said:

are we sure it's neither illegal or immoral? it's sounds like a direct violation of the hipaa act as well as an over reach of one's authority. 

you have the right to refuse to sleep with people but you don't have the right to request they seek medical help. 

if you can't trust someone don't fuck em. otherwise, that's why condoms exist. 

As an individual representing yourself, it’s not illegal to ask someone medical questions—whether you find them personally intrusive or not. HIPAA provisions about sharing and using medical information are not about individuals operating outside of institutions. 

[BigBearSean]

On 6/26/2023 at 10:19 AM, quickyforme458 said:

I honestly feel bad for asking anyone but I feel like I should for my safety and there's I would.

It's YOUR body and YOUR health.  They can either respect that and your wishes, or leave.  Just like some guys are bareback only and their partner can either respect that or leave.  No one should feel obligated to put themselves in a situation they aren't comfortable with just to fuck.  ALL people should agree to the terms and conditions or it's not consent.

[BigBearSean]

2 hours ago, norefusal said:

are we sure it's neither illegal or immoral? it's sounds like a direct violation of the hipaa act as well as an over reach of one's authority.

HIPAA ONLY applies to doctors giving away your medical information without your consent or a subpeona.  You can ask anyone any medical question at all.  And they can choose to answer them or not.  That's freedom of speech.  HIPAA in no way, shape, or form has ever stopped anyone from asking anyone else their health status.  Or ask you about another's health status.  It just can't be given away by medical professionals and institutions without consent.

[NBBTTM]

I mean... you are always free to ask... but also be ready to hear "fuck off" quite frequently...

[PupLucca]

Firstly, Why are you even on BZ then?  But honestly OF you feel the need to ask someone their status Or when they last tested then …. No you shouldn’t feel bad about asking them to test before you hook up. But think about this can you guarantee that they won’t hook up right after they take that test making it void???

[VersGuyAnon]

Even if someone did provide a test, there's a delay in receiving results. A "clear" (NOT "clean", as some people say) result doesn't mean they haven't had sex and contracted something since testing. 

[ErosWired]

Bareback sex is a risky proposition. Your best defense against STDs is not to police others, but to ensure that you have gotten all vaccinations you can get yourself, get on PrEP, and get yourself tested regularly, and treat any infection promptly.

There’s no reason you can’t ask someone to get tested before you meet. There is, however, a difference between asking if they have been tested, and asking them to get tested. The first is asking fir information to let you make a choice for your own sexual health. The second is requiring another person to take positive action, spend time, effort, and possibly blood, to help you make that choice. If the guy you’re looking to connect with is a potential relationship or long-term fuck bud, that might be worthwhile to him. If it’s a random hookup, you’re way more trouble than you’re worth, and they’re likely to take a pass on you.

You can ask them to get tested, but that’s only going to work for a hookup planned far enough in advance for him to get the test and await the results. In terms of the dynamics of hookup culture, that’s an eternity. In my experience, if you don’t close the deal within minutes, it ain’t gonna happen.

You can ask him to get tested, and then he can lie about getting it, or lie about any result, just as easily as if you’d only asked him if he’d been tested. You can ask to see the test results, but frankly by that point a lot of guys will be starting to think you’re uptight, paranoid, pushy, invasive, and too much of a drag to be any fun to fuck. The honest ones may also be offended that you demand proof because you assume they’re lying to you. Asking them to get tested may be an effective way to avoid infection, but mostly because it may ensure you don’t get fucked in the first place.

Edited June 28, 2023 by ErosWired

[Guest]

Get all vaccinations available, get on PreP, then you shouldn't be too worried about catching something. 

[Guest]

In the old days before Prep and so many poz guys being UD it was not uncommon for neg guys to ask "when was your last test?"  It was also not that strange to only really get tested at your annual physical exam lol.  One test a year (MAYBE) but tons of fucking in the meantime!! The questions were sort of useless but made you feel better for being "careful" lol.  I used to offer to show a test result when guys seemed nervous, but no one ever actually took me up on it, and we'd still play raw.  I assume the OP is new to barebacking to consider asking someone else to go get tested nowadays.  If someone wants to protect themselves they can easily get on Prep in most places (he's in London).  I would NEVER consider jumping through hoops like that for a fuck unless you're the most smoking hot guy on the planet, and probably not even then lol.  As soon as they have sex with one other guy the test is no longer valid anyway - are you gonna ask for a rapid test before every single fuck?

Also, the OP's other post is about loving glory holes.  I really don't mean to bash the poster, but this is the absolute opposite of being cautious about status and asking for tests, etc.  It's the most random anon hookup possible.  You have no idea who's on the other side of the GH, and if they are taking your cock and load through a hole in the wall you already know they're the sleaziest fuckers out there 🙂  Your new buddy should be asking YOU for tests, not the other way around lol.  I seriously don't like to be this harsh to a new barebacker - I do remember the nervousness in the beginning, but a person has to take their own precautions (prep) and not expect other people to be running to the Dr and getting constant tests for your peace of mind.