Cheating

[hntnhole]

When each guy in a close, loving relationship knows how much the other loves "outside" sex, I see no reason at all they should commit to a "hetero-normative" relationship.  "Cheating" is something that poorly-built relationships result in.  Attempting to emulate cultural contrivances that we don't identify with in the first place is like sailing a ship directly into a reef of rocks.  Sure, there will be survivors of the wreck, but at what cost, when the ship could have been steered away from the reef.

They should accept themselves - and each other - as they are - not as some other's think they should be.  Whatever it is that they "are" - interested in monogamy, interested in outside sex together, outside sex singly, whatever they need to do - should be done, and as often as the need arises.  Clearly, it's easiest if both guys are interested in the same thing sexually - be it a sexually "closed" relationship, a sexually "open" format, or any other kind of structure.  But then, "love" can be a difficult thing to define, too.  It can be many things, I suppose.  

If they actually do love each other - at least as I understand the term - they'd want their partner/lover to have whatever they need.  Love, food, clothing, shelter, as much wanton sex - singly or together - monogamous or the last thing from it - as they need, and whatever else too.  

To me, one guy restricting what the other "loved" guy needs, simply does not compute.  But then, "love" can be a difficult thing to define, too.  It can be many things, I suppose.  

[BootmanLA]

23 hours ago, TwinkChaserSlut said:

I agree with your assessment but some people get off on cheating. So even open relationships are too restrictive for them. 

Some people get off on choking other people to death. Telling them they can't do that may be "too restrictive for them", but it's still the right thing to do. Both harm the other person; the question is, do we condone harm simply because the person doing the harming "gets off" on it?

[BootmanLA]

14 hours ago, Orionxxx said:

That's me in a nutshell, cheating is such an intense rush I can't deny myself the pleasure; best of all is to cheat with another cheater, so that both of us are putting our need for cock and cum above whatever vows or promises we've made to a wife or husband. Particularly love to send a married man home to wifey totally drained, full of new thoughts and eager for more.

Sure you CAN deny yourself the pleasure; you just don't want to, so you don't. You make it sound like you have no choice at all. 

[BootmanLA]

9 hours ago, hntnhole said:

When each guy in a close, loving relationship knows how much the other loves "outside" sex, I see no reason at all they should commit to a "hetero-normative" relationship.  "Cheating" is something that poorly-built relationships result in.  Attempting to emulate cultural contrivances that we don't identify with in the first place is like sailing a ship directly into a reef of rocks.  Sure, there will be survivors of the wreck, but at what cost, when the ship could have been steered away from the reef.

They should accept themselves - and each other - as they are - not as some other's think they should be.  Whatever it is that they "are" - interested in monogamy, interested in outside sex together, outside sex singly, whatever they need to do - should be done, and as often as the need arises.  Clearly, it's easiest if both guys are interested in the same thing sexually - be it a sexually "closed" relationship, a sexually "open" format, or any other kind of structure.  But then, "love" can be a difficult thing to define, too.  It can be many things, I suppose.  

If they actually do love each other - at least as I understand the term - they'd want their partner/lover to have whatever they need.  Love, food, clothing, shelter, as much wanton sex - singly or together - monogamous or the last thing from it - as they need, and whatever else too.  

To me, one guy restricting what the other "loved" guy needs, simply does not compute.  But then, "love" can be a difficult thing to define, too.  It can be many things, I suppose.  

I agree that relationships should be based on compatible outlooks. But where you are looking at it as the monogamous-preferring guy "restricting" what the other guy needs; I look at it as the non-monogamous one making a promise to do something he has no intention of fulfilling.

And that's the problem I have with this: yes, I understand that even people who think they want monogamy may be tempted by someone else, and they may screw up and cheat. It's not that I think cheating is unforgiveable. As Dan Savage says, monogamy is hard, and isolated instances of slipping up ought to be manageable in an otherwise solid and long-term relationship. But the key is "isolated".

What I'm seeing here is a steady stream of asshole personalities bragging about how they actually get off on cheating, so they lie and tell someone they'll be monogamous just so they can have the thrill of cheating. That's a shit thing to do, done by shitty people.

[hntnhole]

9 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

But where you are looking at it as the monogamous-preferring guy "restricting" what the other guy needs; I look at it as the non-monogamous one making a promise to do something he has no intention of fulfilling.

Yes, but by a prior mutual agreement.  If both guys agree to something - wash the dishes twice a week, whatever - and one of them subsequently avoids that, it's obvious, and becomes a matter for either discussion re-aligning assignments.  What I didn't make clear, would be when the "cheater" has agreed to not cheat, or get outside sex only x number of times a day - a week - a month - whatever, then he's the one that feels restricted from doing what he wants to do, despite promising not to.  

That sense - feeling - of being forced by his sexual Lusts to keep his wandering Cock or Hole away from other men is where the dishonesty begins to rot the relationship.  I think that gay guys in general, and raw gay guys in particular need to be up front about what they expect out of a relationship. Relationships are living, breathing things - they need to be cared for honestly. 

I have nothing at all against sexual wanton behavior being an important - maybe even crucial - part of any relationship.  My point is, getting off on whoring is a lot different than getting off on lying.  

[BootmanLA]

On 2/2/2024 at 11:23 AM, hntnhole said:

That sense - feeling - of being forced by his sexual Lusts to keep his wandering Cock or Hole away from other men is where the dishonesty begins to rot the relationship. 

I understand that sense, but it's misplaced. He's being forced because he agreed to it (and you and I agree he shouldn't have agreed to it if he had no plans to abide by that agreement). That happens - people outright knowingly lie going into relationships promising one thing while fully intending not to live up to that promise - and it's reprehensible, but I don't think that's the case for a majority of cheaters. (The number here who insist that they get off on it, etc. I think is a combination of fapping material and fantasies about being transgressive, with a relatively small number who actually do that.)

The majority of cheaters, on the other hand, expect to abide by whatever the rules are, but something changes. Desire for their partner wanes, too many other desirable men are in reasonable proximity, whatever - and sadly, far too many men hate having difficult conversations like "I think we should be free to see other people, but I don't want us to end this. How do you feel about that?" and just follow their lusts and hope and pray they don't get caught and torch their relationship.

And I do get that most of that is socialization to demand monogamy, because that's what society as a whole holds up as an ideal, even when it's clear that a large portion of the population can't live up to that ideal. I'm also of the opinion that (a) cheating ought to be a forgiveable offense, especially if the cheater is contrite, (b) cheating is a sign that maybe monogamy isn't going to work for these two, and (c) it's better to hash out what's acceptable, what each partner can live with, so that whatever relationship they do have doesn't turn to shit trying to live up to unattainable ideals while covering up behavior. 

[hntnhole]

16 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

I'm also of the opinion that (a) cheating ought to be a forgiveable offense, especially if the cheater is contrite, (b) cheating is a sign that maybe monogamy isn't going to work for these two, and (c) it's better to hash out what's acceptable, what each partner can live with, so that whatever relationship they do have doesn't turn to shit trying to live up to unattainable ideals while covering up behavior. 

I agree with the above; it's preferable that issues get worked out, and the greater attraction between the two gets a second chance.  The basic thing is, whether the "cheater" has the balls to be upfront with his (presumed) loved one.  Disappointments always come in our lives, and in some way or another; what's important is how we handle them.  Serial cheating, however, is almost certainly an expression of some other, deeper issue.  

[YayForMe]

On 10/21/2023 at 11:55 AM, hntnhole said:

Yes, I agree.  But who says your Lusts simply must be kept a secret?

Here's the deal:  When you no longer want to be single, you should definitely tell the man you're considering (for a deeper, longer-term relationship) the magnificent truth, and before any commitments are made.  Tell him that you anticipate having sex with other men (maybe not how many), and that you don't see that as incompatible with your ability to love and cherish him alone.  Sex and love go hand-in ..... (well, more like Cock in Hole for our kind), with human relationships of any depths, and I suggest if you settle down, it's with a man with a similar sexual drive.  It worked for me for over 30 years;  Honesty can work for every other guy too. 

Pretending that "outside" sex is able to be covered up is simply silly.  They always figure it out, so far better to settle down with a guy that's just as big a raw sexpig as you are.  That way each of you gets enough of what you both need, plus you can even share tricks, go out for sex together, if that suits.  You won't have the burden of trying to remember what excuse you used, when you used it, on and on.  Honesty enriches the soul: dishonesty rots it.  

By all means get into a long-term relationship with a man that shares your sexual wantonness.  But please do it being completely upfront about your sexual needs.  It'll be all the hotter for both of you.  

Physically being with someone for a hot minute and sharing your life with a partner are really two separate things... Just because you hookup sometimes with random strangers shouldn't call into question your love for your partner...

I'm into sharing and love when my partner hookup with other guys and tells me about it later...  But before we discussed and started the lifestyle I trusted that they would respect me enough and be smart enough for me not to find out or get suspicious

[danolivaw]

Life's too short to worry about these hangups. If you need to fuck...fuck. 

[Traviscraymer]

Fucking ain’t cheating.

[danolivaw]

13 minutes ago, Traviscraymer said:

Fucking ain’t cheating.

You and I - we think alike. 🍌

[Hungryforbbc]

It’s only cheating if you are delusional enough to believe in the ridiculous construct of monogamy.

im with my husband almost thirty years. We haven’t been sexually active with each other for years due to some physical and psychological circumstances but truth is that we consciously chose to have a non traditional relationship from day one and have never had any issues with each other’s exploration and expression of our sexuality. We’re respectful of each other and have an understanding that we won’t be too messy 🙂

 Some here seem to think it’s bullshit when I post about it but in a truly spiritual partnership you legitimately want your partner to be happy and you understand that you can’t do or be everything they need for that. We don’t fight and we  have both evolved exponentially during our time together. Wouldn’t change it for anything- but I have my sexual adventures with others outside of his purview and he does what he does without my oversight.

Recently after confirming that I was undetectable after only a month on meds, I just up and told my husband that I had tested positive was on meds and undetectable already and that I wasn’t feeling any particular kind of way about it because I didn’t do anything wrong and given my genetic mutation it’s kinda crazy that it happened but it did. He basically said “Ok I appreciate you telling me and wish you had told me when you first found out so I could be supportive.”

he didn’t even ask who I was fucking or why I wasn’t being safe or on prep- he didn’t judge me or give me anything but love.
 

To all the romantics here, it is possible to have an incredible partnership but not if you can’t put your ego and insecurities aside and just love without fear. It only works if you’re both serious and committed and it doesn’t work at all for malignant narcissists although they’ll act like it’s working to manipulate you so  there’s that but I am personally attesting that it’s not out of the realm of possibility if you can abandon the existing constructs and don’t put the responsibility for your happiness on your partner or the relationship.

[hntnhole]

13 hours ago, YayForMe said:

But before we discussed and started the lifestyle

Which is the crucial component.  Almost anything can be melded into a loving relationship - with "outside" sex being among the easiest. 

Since you and your other half discussed the issue, and came to some agreement before indulging your lusts, that's respecting everything about being "in love", as opposed to living with a lie.  

I say "Yay for you" too - both of you.  

[BBDreamer]

On 10/18/2023 at 7:35 PM, Cumslutbottomm said:

Just curious for those of us in relationships of any kind, whether just dating or married, how many cheat and how do you not feel bad about it? my current partner has cheated on the past but has been to my knowledge faithful. (i unknowingly go through his phone. ) yesterday however, i was on sniffies out of pure curiosity and ended up letting some college kid cum in my hole understall on campus. i feel horrible but i also want to do it again. any tips for having the best of both worlds? 

I'm married and haven't been with anyone else (cheated), but THIS turns me the fuck on. 

[Iker80]

The thing if you're in a relationship with a women is that a lot don't understand men and sex. Some get it, but many don't. A lot of my past gf didn't like me wanking, and other guys tell me it's the same for them. If I was asked to give number one relationship advice to straight women I'd tell them let your guy wank. Don't worry about it. It's normal, all guys do it to let off steam. Making a big deal out of it means your guy feels repressed, and he's not going to stop doing it anyway. But he'll do it less now it's got to be secret so now he's getting horny more and starting to think about all kinds of stuff he'd like to try, and we get in to a lot more trouble when we're horny.

Edited October 18 by Iker80