Threesome gone a little wrong

[Sharp-edge]

I'm having a partner/boyfriend for 10 years. We're very happy together. We have a friend, who was actually my friend but later he became a common friend. We know him from work. His basic three characteristics is a) he's a constantly working surgeon b) he's cute c) he looks cold and narcissistic to the outside but he's very fragile inside. Cutting a long story short we ended up having sex with him. He was supposed to be straight but he hadn't had sex from university based on what he said. He was believing to be asexual and he had no real interest in family/wife/kids because he believed he would get cheated (because he works all the time). He comes to our place very often he even sleeps at our place (and eats). I believe that he could have a wife/girlfriend if he wanted to because I know lots of people who would fall for a sexy doctor with a good income.

We had sex the previous week the three of us. We really enjoyed it. It was one of the best experiences of my life. Apart from the physical contact that fucking feels good, I enjoyed watching him how he reacted. I got pleasure from his pleasure (does this make sense?). I saw something in him that I had not seen before. I felt something protective towards him and so did my bf. We took a shower together after that. I had in mind that this could be a shock for him. Despite that everything felt nice and he enjoyed it, now he's at a weird state. He says that he doesn't know who he is anymore. He looks sad. I worry because of how he reacted to that. My bf says that he knows that we love him but he just needs time and that he will return for more. He also says that getting fucked may got interfered with his narcissism and his taste for power and he can't swallow that easily. I just wanted somebody's thoughts on that too. Could it be that he just needs time? I blame myself for that.

[NordicBtm]

Sounds like he has some issues. I used to do that “just work a lot to hide my feelings”.

I agree that he needs time but also if he doesn’t come around right away it has nothing to do with you but more with him. You’re currently blowing his mind in terms of what is possible in relationships, so he needs time to process it.

Hopefully he comes around and you can continue to deepen your relationship.

[ejaculaTe]

Pretty much what @NordicBtm said. From the description of events, I'm hard-pressed to see anything for which you should blame yourself. Remember that your friend made his own decision to join in a 3-way. 

[Ieatcumholes]

I can only respond to a very specific part of what you wrote, so that's all I'm going to do...

15 hours ago, Sharp-edge said:

I got pleasure from his pleasure (does this make sense?).

As a top who gets more pleasure from giving pleasure than I do from being pleasured, this makes perfect sense to me! 😍

[jagmanaz]

May just be dealing with figuring out his sexuality later in life.  Medical careers can be all consuming and you wake up one day and say, time to figure me out.  Had a similar experience my self, as I was him.  Then again, could be he decided, nope, not for me.  Just stay open to anything, and remember you were freinds first.  Just let him know that.  See where he goes with it.

[hntnhole]

On 3/12/2024 at 9:07 AM, Sharp-edge said:

I got pleasure from his pleasure (does this make sense?)

1.  It makes perfect sense.

On 3/12/2024 at 9:07 AM, Sharp-edge said:

now he's at a weird state. He says that he doesn't know who he is anymore. He looks sad. I worry because of how he reacted to that.

2.  That's not so surprising.  Maybe he's going through the process of self-discovery, which can take quite some time, especially for those of an intellectual bent.  

 

On 3/12/2024 at 9:07 AM, Sharp-edge said:

My bf says that he knows that we love him but he just needs time and that he will return for more.

That's entirely likely, but even if he doesn't "return for more", that may merely mean he's conquered whatever it was that disinclined him to accept himself - as he is - in the past.  The process of coming to terms with ourselves can take a while.  Since he's so busy working, he may not have all that much time to reflect on his experiences with you two, figure out how he "fits in" to your lives, or maybe into the "gay life" generally. 

At some point, maybe you two could invite him out to dinner, at some decent restaurant, and have a quiet discussion about where he is in his journey to self-fulfillment.  The point would be to do it on "neutral" territory, which relieves him of any potential stress regarding sharing sex.  If the discussion goes well, you can always invite him back to your place for a drink, and whatever that might lead to.  

On 3/12/2024 at 9:07 AM, Sharp-edge said:

getting fucked may got interfered with his narcissism and his taste for power and he can't swallow that easily.

For a man whose accustomed to being the "powerful" one (i.e. nobody talks back to a surgeon, do they!) I can understand how he might translate getting fucked with "surrendering" his personal "power" to the Top.  While that is, in effect, a central facet of bottoming, he needs to know that no Top can feel superior to his own hand:  Tops need bottoms as much as bottoms need Tops.  It's a joint venture - each guy is equally powerful, in that they either give consent or withhold it.  The actual "power exchange" only takes place once the two agree to Breed.  Anything prior to that is nothing more than negotiating the terms, often accomplished merely without much talking.  One guy merely cupping his hand around a hot ass - or having his Cock fondled by the prospective bottom can be enough.  

On 3/12/2024 at 9:07 AM, Sharp-edge said:

Could it be that he just needs time? I blame myself for that.

Of course.  He may be contemplating what seems to him (if not to others that know him) a complete "role-reversal", but our favored position (T or b) doesn't necessarily translate to other aspects of our lives.  It often does, but nothing is carved in stone.  Every guy gets to where he needs to be one way or another, and all you need to do is give him the time he needs.  Be supportive, be patient, and for heavens sake - don't blame yourself.  

[Sharp-edge]

1 hour ago, hntnhole said:

That's entirely likely, but even if he doesn't "return for more", that may merely mean he's conquered whatever it was that disinclined him to accept himself

I agree about that but I also think this moment was being built for months if not years.

 

1 hour ago, hntnhole said:

At some point, maybe you two could invite him out to dinner, at some decent restaurant,

That's a lovely idea. I'm only missing the decent restaurant. All "chic" restaurants have fish-based foods in Athens for some reason and we all hate them.

 

1 hour ago, hntnhole said:

For a man whose accustomed to being the "powerful" one (i.e. nobody talks back to a surgeon, do they!) I can understand how he might translate getting fucked with "surrendering" his personal "power" to the Top.

My bf is also a surgeon (different kind) and maybe that contributed too. I think that he likes to submit but at the same time he doesn't like that he likes it (I hope that makes sense too). In a kinky mood my bf said that we should lock his dick and he will come begging to get fucked and way more tamed.

1 hour ago, hntnhole said:

Be supportive, be patient, and for heavens sake - don't blame yourself.  

I messaged him that I'm very sad about it and he replied that I'm the most wonderful guy in the world and I shouldn't be sad. He didn't wanted to talk more than that though which doesn't really make sense. If the most wonderful guy out there messaged me I would like to talk to him.

[RawNerdUK]

2 hours ago, Sharp-edge said:

He didn't wanted to talk more than that though which doesn't really make sense. If the most wonderful guy out there messaged me I would like to talk to him.

As others have said, which I agree with, he needs time to sort his own head out... I can only speak from my own experiences. Depression in this case, that at time as much as other want you to talk its not always the way to help. In his head that could be a large mass of conflicting thoughts and until he can make some coherent picture from it all there is not much to talk really about ... other than just a mixed up mess of streams of thought, which would not convey anything useful as it too jumbled up.  Let him come to you when his ready, but of course still "check in" (not too often) to let him know that talking with you is still an option and you are both there for him if and when he is ready... also talk to him about other stuff... Don't fixate on this event as you'll make a mountain out of a ant hill. Gently bring it up but mix in it with other stuff... "How was the weekend?" blah blah... make it clear what happened is just a normal part of life, it's not anything wild and must be one thing one thinks about. It's like how I see myself as a gay man, but that is just an attribute of me, not a thing that fully defines me... </rant>

[Sharp-edge]

25 minutes ago, RawNerdUK said:

As others have said, which I agree with, he needs time to sort his own head out... I can only speak from my own experiences. Depression in this case, that at time as much as other want you to talk its not always the way to help. In his head that could be a large mass of conflicting thoughts and until he can make some coherent picture from it all there is not much to talk really about ... other than just a mixed up mess of streams of thought, which would not convey anything useful as it too jumbled up.  Let him come to you when his ready, but of course still "check in" (not too often) to let him know that talking with you is still an option and you are both there for him if and when he is ready... also talk to him about other stuff... Don't fixate on this event as you'll make a mountain out of a ant hill. Gently bring it up but mix in it with other stuff... "How was the weekend?" blah blah... make it clear what happened is just a normal part of life, it's not anything wild and must be one thing one thinks about. It's like how I see myself as a gay man, but that is just an attribute of me, not a thing that fully defines me... </rant>

You are right. I worry about him because I know that he reacts weird in these circumstances. Plus I'm gonna see him either way because I'm the anaesthesiologist in several of his cases (hidden behind our lovely drape though).

[TallAussieBtm]

Three high powered surgeons/anaesthetists? Even in the short-to-medium term I suspect this situation is probably one of the least important you will all deal with. As fun and challenging as the sex/emotional issues may seem in the moment. You'll all get over it and move forward somehow. 😃 Not downplaying how meaningful the incident may seem soon after it occurred, but honestly I wouldn't worry about it too much. You'll all be fine! 💗☀️🌈

[hntnhole]

On 3/13/2024 at 4:01 PM, Sharp-edge said:

I'm the anaesthesiologist

Well !!!  Relatively recently I had to suffer an abominable "procedure" wherein I had starve myself for 3 fukkin days, drink this disgustment of a liquid that gives us "the runs", and the one thing good about the whole event was the young man who gave me "the shot" into dreamland.  He was a beautiful young man, juuuuust a hint of a coy smile, and I was in dreamland almost instantly (I think?) until I woke up in the recovery room with Nurse Wretched. 

Oh - and I will never ever ever eat "jello" again. 

Excellent advice from some guys above;  give him all the time he needs, and just 'be there' when he's ready.  

 

Edited March 16 by hntnhole

[Sharp-edge]

On 3/16/2024 at 3:03 AM, TallAussieBtm said:

Three high powered surgeons/anaesthetists? Even in the short-to-medium term I suspect this situation is probably one of the least important you will all deal with. As fun and challenging as the sex/emotional issues may seem in the moment. You'll all get over it and move forward somehow. 😃 Not downplaying how meaningful the incident may seem soon after it occurred, but honestly I wouldn't worry about it too much. You'll all be fine! 💗☀️🌈

I think our professions get in the way because he's in the most bitchy/diva specialty ever and the fact that he bottomed for two dicks for his first time was a little too much. He was dominated.

I have some news though. We started talking again. He cries several times a day without a clear reason. He keeps on saying that he doesn't feel himself, he feels embarrassed. I told him that he must not be embarrassed and that we both love him and he knows that and nobody is going to know about all this. We will still love him even if he does not want sex again and that we're there for him. Currently he stays in my arms comfortably (and someitmes to my bf's).

My bf is a bit grumpy because he feels that he tried so much to give him a nice experience and he acts like he was  traumatized and he is annoyed. Plus he demands my attention more than before and I feel like I have two supernatural babies that want me to look after them. I'm telling you guys, surgeons are attention-whores.

[Guest]

On 3/12/2024 at 9:07 AM, Sharp-edge said:

I'm having a partner/boyfriend for 10 years. We're very happy together. We have a friend, who was actually my friend but later he became a common friend. We know him from work. His basic three characteristics is a) he's a constantly working surgeon b) he's cute c) he looks cold and narcissistic to the outside but he's very fragile inside. Cutting a long story short we ended up having sex with him. He was supposed to be straight but he hadn't had sex from university based on what he said. He was believing to be asexual and he had no real interest in family/wife/kids because he believed he would get cheated (because he works all the time). He comes to our place very often he even sleeps at our place (and eats). I believe that he could have a wife/girlfriend if he wanted to because I know lots of people who would fall for a sexy doctor with a good income.

We had sex the previous week the three of us. We really enjoyed it. It was one of the best experiences of my life. Apart from the physical contact that fucking feels good, I enjoyed watching him how he reacted. I got pleasure from his pleasure (does this make sense?). I saw something in him that I had not seen before. I felt something protective towards him and so did my bf. We took a shower together after that. I had in mind that this could be a shock for him. Despite that everything felt nice and he enjoyed it, now he's at a weird state. He says that he doesn't know who he is anymore. He looks sad. I worry because of how he reacted to that. My bf says that he knows that we love him but he just needs time and that he will return for more. He also says that getting fucked may got interfered with his narcissism and his taste for power and he can't swallow that easily. I just wanted somebody's thoughts on that too. Could it be that he just needs time? I blame myself for that.

I was once in his shoes. Loved sex with men and women, but I didn't know how to process the feelings and thoughts that came to mind after the sex with men. Took me a long time to understand who I am and where I am in life and I decided to truly embrace my Bisexuality. But years ago? I didn't know what to think or how to process things like I do now. Initially, I started as a top and was a top for many years, but my curiosity got the best of me and I tried bottoming. Which I love to do to this day.

It might take him a little bit to get his head together. Give him a few days, then ease back into things, instead of going right for the fuck.

As for getting pleasure from someone else's pleasure, that's me too. I get so turned on when I hear a top moan while their breeding me. Gives me a non-ejaculatory orgasm.

[RawNerdUK]

On 3/18/2024 at 9:09 PM, Sharp-edge said:

I think our professions get in the way because he's in the most bitchy/diva specialty ever and the fact that he bottomed for two dicks for his first time was a little too much. He was dominated.

I have some news though. We started talking again. He cries several times a day without a clear reason. He keeps on saying that he doesn't feel himself, he feels embarrassed. I told him that he must not be embarrassed and that we both love him and he knows that and nobody is going to know about all this. We will still love him even if he does not want sex again and that we're there for him. Currently he stays in my arms comfortably (and someitmes to my bf's).

My bf is a bit grumpy because he feels that he tried so much to give him a nice experience and he acts like he was  traumatized and he is annoyed. Plus he demands my attention more than before and I feel like I have two supernatural babies that want me to look after them. I'm telling you guys, surgeons are attention-whores.

Hopefully the lack of reply means things have been sorted and everything is good again.

[Sharp-edge]

20 minutes ago, RawNerdUK said:

Hopefully the lack of reply means things have been sorted and everything is good again.

Ehm it could have gone better.