Finding Myself: A Journey Through Identity, Intimacy, and Connection

[Philip]

A lot has been going through my mind lately, so I decided to write it down. It goes something like this:

Something that some people don't know about me, particularly if we've just met, is that I'm gay. I grew up in the 1990s, a time when homophobia was still quite the norm, and I remember going through most of my childhood in denial of this, which, as you might guess, isn't the healthiest thing to do. There was a time in primary school when the teacher talked about sexual identity and handed out a piece of paper with several questions on it. One of them asked how we felt about masturbation, and I didn't know what the word meant. I asked around the class, and everyone laughed, telling me I should google it.

When we handed in the worksheet, I glanced over at someone else's paper and saw that he had written "it feels good," which only confused me more. In the same class, the teacher drew a table on the board to compare what supposedly differentiated a homosexual from a heterosexual. The class brainstormed answers like liking the color pink or keeping a room clean. Then one boy said he usually kept his room clean and asked if that made him gay. The class erupted in laughter.

Deep down, I wished he was because I had a crush on him. For the years that followed, I kept my room slightly messy, just so I wouldn't be labeled.

Things got better for the gay community as time went on, and I remember being around 24 when I finally accepted who I was. That's when I started dating men and exploring intimacy.

The relationship I have with sex is a deeply personal one. I remember going to Club 80 back when it was still around and cruising for the first time. I was so nervous I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. PrEP wasn't available then, so l either focused on oral or constantly checked to make sure the condom stayed on, terrified of stealthing. When PrEP became an option at 27, things got wilder. I stopped using condoms entirely, and whenever a date went wrong or someone ghosted me, l'd spend the night at Wet on Wellington, trying to get as much action as possible.

I went there a few times, sometimes leaving satisfied, sometimes disappointed. There were so many bottoms around that everyone had to share the "cake," so to speak. Outdoor cruising was another thing I got into. The anonymous nature of it was exhilarating, and I was hooked, especially when I was the only bottom in the toilet, and everyone lined up for their turn. But I also remember nights sitting in my car, parked outside, waiting endlessly for someone to walk in so l could follow. I'd bring my Switch, a book, or a podcast to pass the time, though my mind often wandered to my life choices. Was this really a good use of my time?

Most nights, I'd drive home disappointed and vow never to do it again. But of course, I'd do it again. I always did.

At 33, I met a wonderful man, and we started a relatively stable relationship. I think of us as a ship at sea-mostly calm waters, with the occasional storm that always passes. These days, it feels like we've anchored on a peaceful island, and it's nice. He's given me the flexibility to be with other men, and I take full advantage of that, though I've noticed something odd within myself lately.

I feel bored with sex. "Samey" is the word l've coined because it all feels so similar. I'm not sure if it's a phase or a shift in mindset, but sometimes, even when I go to cruising spots, I don't feel like being there. I'd rather be doing something else, but I go out of a sense of duty-to be on my knees, giving pleasure, or taking someone inside me. It's like every guy has a penis, and after you've seen a dozen, you've seen them all. Sure, they come in different shapes and sizes, but once they're inside, it doesn't matter much.

Sometimes, a man is on his knees giving me pleasure, and I feel... nothing. It's just a body with moving parts. It feels good in the moment, but it fades quickly, and I'm soft again. I see men on the street and no longer wonder what they look like naked or what their bodies are like. I suppose I've seen enough to know.

Maybe I'm at a stage where I want more from sex than just the physical aspect. Perhaps I'm craving emotional bonding, something l've learned to dissociate from these encounters. Or maybe I've just had too much sex and need to step back for a while, to search for answers that elude me at the moment.

***

Have you ever found yourself pursuing something out of habit or a sense of duty, even when it no longer brought you joy? What made you continue, and how did it feel to stop—or not stop?

Do you think intimacy is more about physical connection, emotional bonding, or something else entirely? How has your view of it changed over time?

[PozTalkAuthor]

"homophobia was the norm in the 90s" yes - and it's becoming the norm again lately. Politicians, social networks, etc. We can never stay off guard.

Then the mess in your room, well, unfortunately there are tons of stereotypes about homosexual men which have nothing to do with reality, but when you are a teen they stab you to death. I had the one "you like writing, playing piano, reading and watching arts, you are gay". Yes. I am. Any trouble? I started rising against my far-right biological father not far from 15 years old. When Freddie Mercury died.

Fast forwarding to sex? I have never been the anonymous encounters type, in 49 years I had 4 serious relationships one of which involved other men too. But when I was together with my ex's buddies I basically felt uncomfortable. And when I asked one of my closest friends (my very first boyfriend) if he came to visit me and have a 3some with my ex, he always reminded me "I dislike the guy you live with. You'd better avoid to involve me or I'd treat him bad"

then those encounters always were "don't ask, don't tell" while I was walking the path of being upfront about my HIV positive status.

Now? I im in "a phase" where I'm bonded emotionally, physically, and sexually with one guy. A man I've secretly loved for years.

Not tired about sex because our life is quite balanced for work, hobbies, and sex.

We don't feel like opening the couple to others because we both don't like mechanical sex "seen one you've seen them all".

Intimacy is connection, sharing fantasies, having conversations, not necessarily traditional love but it's something in need to be built from scratch.

I had a phase where I hated sex and it was after my HIV diagnosis. And my bf, the 6 months before we got sexually close. Used to jump from a girl to another -he defined himself hetero-, he was bored about sex and I playfully said "what about turning to the other side of the fence and explore?"

 

He never walked the old path again.

[PozBearWI]

Philip, thanks for your post (and the sexy avitar on your profile - I have a thing for sexy adams apples).  

Over the years sex has waxed and waned for me; sometimes being my dominant focus, and other times growing tired of the "same ole, same ole" and focusing on other interests.  I think that is good.  While sex can be pleasurable, too much of a good thing can be, mmmm, too much.  It seems like finding balance in our lives is where we find life fulfilling.  

 

[hntnhole]

Philip !!! Nice to see you're posting again ... 

Starting at the bottom, yes I have.  It was mostly what I considered my duty, when my parents got old and sick.  They lived 100 miles away, I had left the city where I grew up as soon as I possibly could, and only went back out of a sense of duty.  Once I met my life-partner, even those occasions became scarce, and there was nothing (short of begging) they could do to injure me anymore.  In other words, I thrived because I refused to accept negativity, thus removing anyone's ability to interfere with me running my life. 

Put another way, I managed to figure out that I knew better than anyone else what I needed out of my life.

What seems different though, is you've found your "other half", but still allow your life to be interfered with, either directly by others, or via thoughts, impressions of your life foisted upon you by others.  You don't need to spend time and energy on what others may or may not think.  You've been through all of that, come out the other side, and know yourself.  

7 hours ago, Philip said:

Was this really a good use of my time?

Depending on what you're calling "good", maybe, maybe not.  Only you can determine that answer, as long as it's your answer, disassociated from anyone else's thoughts/comments.  Ever since I left the burg where I grew up, I've lived in places where there was plenty of "action". So the lack of "always-available" action was something I purposely avoided, to this very day.  "Was this really a good use of my time"?  Of course it was, since you're fully aware of who you are and what you need out of life.  Self-realization is a great accomplishment - pat yourself on the back.  You're not married to a woman, with a passel of kids - you're with a man you love, he loves you, and he's accepted/endorsed your need for the thrill that occasional "outside" sex offers.  The chance to "connect" deeply with your lusts, without any threat to your "homelife" what-so-ever.  

7 hours ago, Philip said:

Have you ever found yourself pursuing something out of habit or a sense of duty, even when it no longer brought you jo

 

7 hours ago, Philip said:

even when it no longer brought you joy?

No, if none of those criteria were met (joy, duty, accomplishment, etc.), I simply stopped.  When any particular act, pass-time, membership, whatever either ceases to please me in at least some way, or becomes a continuing burden, I stop doing it.  I can't be a good friend to others if I won't be a friend to myself too.  On the other hand, I wonder whether we can expect 'joy' to fill our every moment, either.  "Life is just a bowl of cherries" is only a song sung by a really messed up lady years ago; we have to accept what comes.  What matters is how we deal with it. 

Sounds to me like you've become a mature, well-grounded guy ... and thanks for your post.  

 

[Philip]

@PozTalkAuthor 
Thank you so much for sharing such a deeply personal and insightful reply—it really touched me. I admire how you’ve navigated your journey with such self-awareness, from standing up to stereotypes and negativity to finding fulfillment in a relationship built on connection and balance. Your story about your boyfriend transitioning from seeing himself as hetero to building a life with you is so beautiful and profound—it says so much about trust, growth, and openness in relationships. Your reflections on intimacy as something deeper than just physicality are incredibly inspiring, and they’ve given me a lot to think about in my own journey.

@PozBearWI
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply—and for noticing the avatar, haha! I really like how you put it: “sex has waxed and waned,” and that it’s all part of finding balance. It’s comforting to know that it’s normal to shift focus and step back at times to explore other aspects of life. I think you’re absolutely right—too much of a good thing can start to feel like too much! Taking a break to reset and rediscover what truly feels fulfilling sounds like exactly what I need right now. 

@hntnhole
Thank you for always sharing your wisdom—it’s something I’ve come to really value over the years, even when it takes me a while to fully grasp it. Reading your reply made me reflect on all those nights I once thought were a waste of time. You’re right—those weren’t wasted moments; they were stepping stones, each one shaping the person I am today. It’s comforting to look back with that perspective and see how even those times had meaning. Your insights always feel ahead of their time for me, but they push me to think deeper and understand myself better. Thank you for that—it means a lot.

[PozTalkAuthor]

Unfortunately people tend to reason by extremes: "if you're not interested in sex, there's something wrong in you". 

 

I actually felt wrong after my HIV diagnosis and I didn't have sex from February 2013 when I broke up with the man who pozzed me, until March 2016 when I met the man who remained in my life till 2022 but he then revealed himself as an abuser but that's off topic. He was abuser, I was vulnerable.

Btw, if you want an advice, remember that we have a complete body which can give and receive pleasure - we aren't made just of penis, anus, mouth.

I'd suggest you to start exploring your sexuality in new ways, if you have a boyfriend and if you haven't, take a break from sex and reset your mind! 

Between me and my current partner there's a long time connection and a closeted mutual feeling started as friendship - we knew each other by soul before interacting by body and this has been fundamental. 

Btw if you want to talk, just message me - I am not a counselor and never will be, but I can be a friend.

[ktopper]

Philip, my journey was somewhat different. I had to work out a few psychological problems after I had sex with a guy for the first time. I was 25 and had never even desired sex with men. But it happened and the top was really a beautiful soul who knew I would probably have to work through some issues over it so he kind of counseled me a bit. For a couple of months afterwards I swung between feelings of disgust and and wanting to try it again. I worked it out and came to terms with it. I had a live in girl friend at the time and soon realized that it didn't affect my hetero appetites at all. That was almost 50 years ago and I have not felt any guilt or any other issues since.

I have always had a wide range of other interests and that has kept me from getting bored with sex. I am bi and always liked the ladies, even married one (that was a mistake) but as I have gotten older I have concentrated more and more on my gay side.  I suppose I just prefer gay sex.

Good luck with your journey.

[hntnhole]

19 hours ago, Philip said:

Your insights always feel ahead of their time for me

Welllllllllll ...... chances are pretty good that I have a few more miles on me than you do 😄 

 

[PozBearWI]

.... aaaand then there's the old curmudgeon amongst us (me).  

Man I hope as we experience life we take it in thoughtfully, and with gratitude.  

I'm not sure my own cake is quite done yet; but being in my fourth quarter of the hypothetical 100 year life (queue up "100 Years" by "five for fighting"); the batter has risen and a crust is forming.  Of course when my cake comes out of the oven I'll have passed away.  Such is life.  Take it in.  With you guys it is a delight to see you're engaged and learning.  It won't stop until it stops...  

We're at that lovely annual time of the year when daylight get's longer.  It took me awhile to stop seeking to escape what is; and instead find pleasure in each day.  It makes no sense to fret whatever happened yesterday.  And truly what ever is going on right now is best taken in, experienced, and understood as best we can.  Ducking it cuts us off from learning.  

You guys rock more than you might know it.  Keep it up gentlemen.  And Happy New Year.

 

[SFCumdog]

Coming of age in the early 1980s, as I did, was a bit of a scary time. My hormones were raging, but there were other things to consider. I met my first real boyfriend shortly thereafter, and we were together a long time. He was only slightly older than me, but I looked up to him because he had gotten around quite a bit. And I was young and naive and just believed everything he told me about the way that gays lived their lives, especially as it related to sex. I had thought that gays met someone and settled down, and that was it. But he had other ideas and bent me to them.

I was quickly introduced to the world of Bars, Bookstores, Bathhouses, and Group Sex, because "this is what gays do." With each new experience I quickly learned that sex did not equal intimacy. I could have said no, but I was too stupid to realize that I actually had a choice. And I loved the guy and didn't want to lose him. So I adapted. I'd be lying if I said I didn't come to love the excitement of it all. And once Pandora's Box is opened, there's no closing it, ever. I also learned that there is way more to sexuality than vanilla sex. I actively began trying all the flavors I could.

So if you are getting that feeling of "samey" that you talk about, maybe you need to start expanding your horizons a bit more. You'll find out that there are all kinds of things out there that can get rid of the "samey-ness" for you and can help you find yourself again.

Unfortunately in my case, I apparently got pozzed shortly after my bf introduced me to this world of his... and of course he didn't, which made for some drama later when I was diagnosed since we only played together when exploring. In later years he couldn't understand why vanilla sex with him just wasn't enough for me, like it was somehow my fault, and blamed me for wanting more (which was really rich). I kept growing, and he didn't, and then resented it.

The other thing I have more recently found is that if your doctor puts you on any kind of mood enhancing drug, it can totally kill your interest in sex. Most people don't realize that. So can many other drugs. So make sure that that isn't the source of your dwindling feelings. Sometimes too you just need a break to recharge. It will all work out.