Repressed Feelings

[revemupman]

Yesterday I got home from work, lit up a joint, and—as usual—felt that familiar horniness kick in hard. One of my regular bottoms hit me up and asked if he could come over and take care of me. I told him yeah, I was down.

He showed up about twenty minutes later. We chilled, put on some music, passed the joint back and forth. Before long he was face-down, ass-up, and I had my hand on the back of his neck, breeding him deep. When I get in that zone and feel myself getting close, I tighten my grip on his neck, thrust harder, grunting with every stroke. I could feel my dick pulsing inside him as I unloaded.

We went a couple more rounds, smoked some more in between. Afterward, while we were catching our breath, he looked at me and asked, “Why do you always say ‘I’m sorry’ when you’re fucking me?”

The question hit me like a brick. I knew I’d been saying it—I’d heard the words slip out before—but having it called out forced me to actually face it.

Deep down, part of me still believes what I’m doing is wrong. I don’t even know exactly why I feel that way, but the guilt is there. During the act, when I’m right on the edge, it’s pure euphoria—like I’m finally complete, whole, alive. Then the second I finish, that high crashes and I feel dirty, ashamed, like I’ve done something unforgivable.

I tell myself I should stop. But my sex drive is relentless. The moment I see a nice ass, my brain shorts out. Next thing I know I’m on Sniffies, or cruising spots, chasing that next breeding. It’s like I’m wired this way and I can’t flip the switch off.

I’m stuck between the rush that feels like the only time I’m truly present… and the regret that floods in the moment it’s over.

 

[blackrobe]

5 hours ago, revemupman said:

[...] Afterward, while we were catching our breath, he looked at me and asked, “Why do you always say ‘I’m sorry’ when you’re fucking me?”

The question hit me like a brick. I knew I’d been saying it—I’d heard the words slip out before—but having it called out forced me to actually face it.

Deep down, part of me still believes what I’m doing is wrong. I don’t even know exactly why I feel that way, but the guilt is there. During the act, when I’m right on the edge, it’s pure euphoria—like I’m finally complete, whole, alive. Then the second I finish, that high crashes and I feel dirty, ashamed, like I’ve done something unforgivable.

I tell myself I should stop. But my sex drive is relentless. The moment I see a nice ass, my brain shorts out. Next thing I know I’m on Sniffies, or cruising spots, chasing that next breeding. It’s like I’m wired this way and I can’t flip the switch off.

I’m stuck between the rush that feels like the only time I’m truly present… and the regret that floods in the moment it’s over.

You feel guilty the moment you finish orgasming. Do you have a sense of what you feel guilty *for*? What is it that you feel is unforgivable? 

Let's be clear, that bottom is a regular and he wanted you to fuck him... again. He knew what he was getting when he contacted and gave up his ass to you. It's after the third round that you had this conversation. He could have withdrawn his consent at any time, but he didn't.  Contextually, it doesn't sound like this bottom feels he's been wronged or hurt in any way.  In fact, he sounds mystified by what you're feeling which is why he asked the question. 

Where do you think your feeling comes from? How old do you feel when you feel like this? Does this feeling remind you of a time or place from your past?

[theplayerking]

7 hours ago, revemupman said:

Yesterday I got home from work, lit up a joint, and—as usual—felt that familiar horniness kick in hard. One of my regular bottoms hit me up and asked if he could come over and take care of me. I told him yeah, I was down.

He showed up about twenty minutes later. We chilled, put on some music, passed the joint back and forth. Before long he was face-down, ass-up, and I had my hand on the back of his neck, breeding him deep. When I get in that zone and feel myself getting close, I tighten my grip on his neck, thrust harder, grunting with every stroke. I could feel my dick pulsing inside him as I unloaded.

We went a couple more rounds, smoked some more in between. Afterward, while we were catching our breath, he looked at me and asked, “Why do you always say ‘I’m sorry’ when you’re fucking me?”

The question hit me like a brick. I knew I’d been saying it—I’d heard the words slip out before—but having it called out forced me to actually face it.

Deep down, part of me still believes what I’m doing is wrong. I don’t even know exactly why I feel that way, but the guilt is there. During the act, when I’m right on the edge, it’s pure euphoria—like I’m finally complete, whole, alive. Then the second I finish, that high crashes and I feel dirty, ashamed, like I’ve done something unforgivable.

I tell myself I should stop. But my sex drive is relentless. The moment I see a nice ass, my brain shorts out. Next thing I know I’m on Sniffies, or cruising spots, chasing that next breeding. It’s like I’m wired this way and I can’t flip the switch off.

I’m stuck between the rush that feels like the only time I’m truly present… and the regret that floods in the moment it’s over.

 

Do you continue yourself gay or bi? Are you out or DL?

[hntnhole]

9 hours ago, revemupman said:

I’m stuck between the rush that feels like the only time I’m truly present… and the regret that floods in the moment it’s over.

The question that leaps to my mind is, were you raised in some particularly strict, repressive religious environment?  That can really mess up a kid's mind, and stick around for years if it's not dealt with.  

[Iker80]

Who are you talking it to, him, you, or?

[BlindRawFucker1]

Do you need pot to get horny?

 

Could your feelings stem from coming down from the pot, sex, or both?

 

Try fucking without pot and see what happens.

[phillygwm]

16 hours ago, revemupman said:

I’m stuck between the rush that feels like the only time I’m truly present… and the regret that floods in the moment it’s over.

 

This actually brought up memories from my adolescence.  I was a good Catholic boy and let's just say puberty hit hard.  Not that I was sexually active (I had a buddy when I was 10-12 but then a dry spell) but I was jerking off a lot.  Every time I shot, I was flooded with guilt.

For me, it wasn't difficult to figure out.  I was conditioned that this was wrong/sinful so of course I'd feel guilty.  Over time, I got over it (and religion, for that matter.)  For you, why are you feeling guilt?  Do you have a partner?  Does he?