rawTOP

To see Street Muscle 501's original blog post click here...

I hooked up with this hot Marine, Tom tonight. We met a while ago up in Philly. Tonight I went up to visit him at his place. Right when I got here, we got to work on each other quickly. I had his clothes off in no time. Tom pulled my jeans off and took me in his arms and pressed himself against me. His cock rubbed against mine, he was fully erect as his tongue slid between my lips, teasing my tongue.

After several minutes kissing me he hauled me to my knees and moved behind me as he took a small bottle from the bedside drawer, he drizzled the cold liquid between my ass cheeks. He massaged the oil into my crack and round my anal opening, he smeared the outside of my anal ring them pushed his finger past the ring into my ass, he drizzled more oil round his finger and worked it inside me, it was a wonderful feeling having my ass played with, Tom withdrew his finger and drizzled more oil on his cock, rubbing it over his cock then he positioned it at my asshole and pressed his big cock's head into my tight ring. He slid in until he had the whole length of his cock inside me he held it for 20 or so seconds then he moved his hips drawing it out till only the big head remained, the he inched forward filling my tight ass, he moved slowly at first occasionally dripping more oil between us lubrication his massive tool.

I wrapped my hand round my semi erect cock stretching and relaxing it it soon became fully erect, I moved my hand on it in time with Tom’s cock pumping inside me. After some time Tom forced me flat on the bed, my ass tightened on him as he thrust harder, his flesh smacked against mine as he drove to his orgasm, he gave three long hard thrusts where he buried his cock as deep as he could, his cock spurted hot creamy cum into my bowels, my cock pressed on the bed squirted spreading my cum onto the sheet. Tom drew his cock slowly out of my butt, his cum dribbled from my stretched asshole running down to my balls.

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To see Street Muscle 501's original blog post click here...

Hooked up with the hot blond I meet at the beach on Saturday. He was sporting a hot tight black speedo...and I was showing off in a tight blue speedo. We cruised each other and it was long before I invited up to the condo. He got down on his knees in all his blue speedo glory and the only words that left his mouth before he started licking my lycra covered cock were...."hot fat dick bro" He immedeiately was slurping on my cock through my blue speedos. This dude was hot in his bulging black speedos, as he worked by cock. He sucking my cock and rubbing my lycra covered balls and with his free hand he was rubbing my chest. There was no way that I was going to last long and I was keen to cum in my speedos so after about 5 minutes I did…. The stud didn't stop there – he kept sucking my cum through my speedos, for another 5 minutes or so. When the dude finished on the outside of my speedos he undid my drawstring (only a single knot) and started licking my softening cock. I pulled him up and undid the drawsting on his black speedos and went to town on his big dick until he came down my throat!

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To see Street Muscle 501's original blog post click here...

I met up with this hot boy at Bethany Beach last week, running into him as I was leaving the gym.  He was walking out the door, apparently after a body pump class.  I caught him staring at the bulge in my tight 501s as we walked out.  So I decided to chat him up.  He was a total hottie.

He said he was gonna fix himself a protien shake at his condo and invited me to join him.  I agreed…saying that I had an intense workout and good use the protein.  At his place he had me talke out the blender and gave me the whey protien, and fruit and ice to mix in while he got the glasses.  I was pouring out the shakes into our glassses when he came behind me and I I felt his hands slip down from my waist to my hips, then slowly he moved his hands down onto my cock.  The inevitable happened and my cock began to stir and rise.

He didn’t take his hand away, but cupped my swelling bulge.

He was wearing tight running shorts, the material pulled tight across his cheeks showing their round, firm and neat shape.  I could have grabbed it right then, but instead we hungout drinking the shakes and making small talk, telling me he was 18, and was alone at his parents' place this weekend.  

As he said this his hand reached forward and cupped the bulge in my jeans.  I could see the swelling in his shorts, thick and thrusting against the material; and probing down his right leg.  It must almost have reached the bottom.

“I like to feel a cock in jeans,” he said.

“That feels good dude,” I responded, asking "You into older muscle dudes like me?”

”Well first, I don’t like people my own age, no experience nor staying power.  Secondly there is very little around here at all.  And thirdly you are here and I am turned on.  Are you going to say no?”  He was unbuttoning my 501s as he said this.  I didn’t say no.

He slipped his hand into my jeans and very gently massaged my ever-swelling cock.  I ran my hands over that firm hairless, muscular body.

As I caressed his small but firm nipples he gave a low moan of pleasure.  Slowly I ran my hands across his chest and back, lower and lower, until I reached his shorts.  I took hold of that swelling cock through the thin material.  Another deep moan of pleasure. Next his hands were under my tank top

He pushed it up.  Sucking my nipples he almost tore the shirt off me.  Then hands slid down to my waist and my jeans were undone and slipped over my thighs. “You’ve got a great ass," he remarked, adding "Really small and round , so neat and tight.”

Then with a shove I was flat on my back on a couch.  My boots and socks were ripped off, my jeans followed.  He came forward and I slipped my hand up the leg of his shorts and took hold of that firm youthful cock.  He froze for a moment, then relaxed and groaned with pleasure.  I moved my hand up and down the shaft.  I could feel he was uncut, and there was just a little hair around the base. His balls were firm and full.

I stood up before him and put my hands on his waist. My nipples were just in line and he nibbled and sucked them for a moment. I slid down to my knees and slowly slipped those shorts down over his ass.  His cock, almost six inches I would guess, thrust out straight and proud from his body.  I slipped my lips over that young shaft and sucked and tongued it. He groaned and moaned, as I tongued the tip he writhed with pleasure. Then he pulled me off him and up.

It was his turn, and he dropped in front of me.  He nibbled my cock, all the time squeezing and massaging my ass.  He licked and kissed his way up my legs and slipped his smooth young lips over my cock.  It filled his mouth and he gagged a bit but sucked long and deep.  I didn’t know how much more of that I could take.  He stopped, stood, and, pulling my head down, he kissed me, our tongues probing and touching.  Then he led me upstairs to a bedroom.

In the bedroom he took out some baby oil and slowly rubbed it all over his cock and balls.  By now he had hislegs and bum near my head and was reaching down to my legs.  He lifted the left legs and rubbed oil into my ass.  He probed the hole and I moaned.  My ass is very very sensitive.

”You enjoyed that didn’t you?” he asked.

”Hell yeah," I answered.

He moved and positioned himself between my legs, lifted my legs onto his shoulders and started to rub more oil into my cock.  It felt great.  I closed my eyes, lost in the pleasure.  Again I felt his cock at my ass as he probed inside my hole.  I opened my eyes and looked at him.  A look of pure pleasure crossed his face as he slid his bare cock into my ass, thrusting in time with the rubbing of my cock, and each thrust produced a deep satisfied moan.

I thought he was going to cum, but no, he pulled out of me.  He climbed up and sat on my stomach.  He rubbed my throbbing rock hard cock, which was behind him and against his ass.  Then he lifted himself and position my cock against his bum hole. Slowly he lowered himself, but as it pushed in he froze and moaned.

”I want it, so bad, I want it!” He pushed down again, but as soon as I was a bit more in he stopped and I could see the pleasure in his eyes.  I could also feel just how tight he was.  He pushed once more and so I took a hand.  As I felt his pressure go on I thrust up with my hips as hard as I could, sliding into his tight ass.

”Oh God, thank you,” he said and fell onto my chest.

I slowly drew out and thrust again, he moaned and move.  I repeated the thrust and withdrawal, he sat up.  Now he was moving, up and down, pushing so hard he almost had my balls in him as well.  Up and down, up and down, moaning and groaning and writhing in pleasure.

“Oh no, I’m going to cum without touching myself, Oh God, Oh God Oh……”

He pumped up and down, faster and faster; then with a mighty down-ward push that nearly sent me through the bottom of the bed he shoot his young warm juices all over my chest and face, falling forward into his own cum, smearing his body with his load, licking my face clean.

As he was licking up his own cum, I was pumping his hole.  Yeah, I was ready to come and, giving a mighty groan, pumped my hot cum shot into his eager ass, over and over again.  At last I was empty.

“You’re a damn hot fuck bro,” I said.

“I fucking love your thick cock dude” he said. “Def wanna ride it again if you’re around this week”

And you know I was up for that.  I fucked that boy two more times last week.  One time wearing my 501s and boots and him him ripped jeans with a hole in the ass. The last time we fucked we did I sports roleplay scene…with both of us in tight foorball gear.  He was way into gear play, which made it extra hot.  I woulda stayed in Bethany beach all summer.  I definitely gotta go back sometime this summer before he heads to school in Florida this fall!

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If you know of other bareback sex bloggers who should be shown here, send me an e-mail and let me know their URL - rawtop@yahoo.com. I'm trying to make this as complete a list of bloggers as possible.

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Not sure if being listed here is a good idea? Here are few things to consider...

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Click here to see Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker's original blog post...

That is the date this probably happened. There were other times that it could have happened, but that date was a good one. Eight to twelve bottom guys at the Steamworks in Berkeley, all bareback. I knew it could happen, but I did what I wanted to do anyway.

I don't regret it. Maybe I will someday, but not now. For now, it was hot, and my current situation does not change that. Also, I now find little reason to not proceed with my life as I want. Only difference now, I will not fear HIV.

I had thought through what fucking bareback could mean. I had considered what would happen to me if I sero-converted. So far, what I considered is mostly correct. I find I am not surprised.

Am I really as okay as I think I am, or is some bad situation lurking inside my head waiting for some future trigger. Either could be true, but I really do not feel doomed at this point. Instead, I feel defiant!

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Click here to see Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker's original blog post...

On the face of it, someone that is not HIV+ might think defiance is a foolish response to having sero-convereted. Indeed, I have felt this myself a time or two over the past few weeks. But, here I am picking this back up exactly 29 days after my first post and 84 days after my likely exposure and I am left with one principal that I must live by, if I can call it that. I must seize from my most disinterested self my entire being and establish my own rules and conditions for existing in order to survive. This means nothing less than defiance.

Some of my defiance will seem as foolish as one might think my actions were that got me here, but one thing has always been true and remains so now. I set my course and nobody else can. I make my own decisions, my own limits, my own rules.

Rule one going forward - I will eat right, exercise, and generally take much better care of myself than I did before. In order to do this I have to actively pick up those things that will make this happen and do them instead of hoping that they will happen one day. The time for action is now...

Rule two - The time for living is now. I have always wanted to go to Russia and it is time to do it. Anything else that comes up like this needs to be acted on, not just hoped for. While I have really lived my life this way already, this is now even more important than it ever was. "We only live once..."

Rule three - No moping and feeling sorry for myself. Why should I consider this an acceptable behavior when it saps precious time and energy? No, I am not going there.

Rule four - No HIV negative guys. I will only hook up with HIV+ guys, guys that are less than certain about their status, or those that claim to not care. In the last two conditions, in particular, I will always reveal my truth and let them decide for themselves what is right for them. In keeping with this thinking, if there is a guy or several guys offering their asses at a bathhouse or at a glory hole somewhere to any raw cock that cums along, I am taking that at face value and I may "seize" the opportunity to do what I do without further discussion.

Rule five - Finally, no condoms will touch my dick ever again for any reason whatsoever. I know the new risks, just like I knew the risks before I was exposed. It is how I want it to be and that is it... This is not negotiable with even the hottest dude.

Rule five is probably the most defiant of all, true, but with that I have set my own rules... Before someone gets all wound up about passing along HIV to others and how this is irresponsible, I take you back to rule four. Others make decisions for themselves just like I make my own. If two or more of us decide to fuck we each know the risks and off we go. Putting responsibility for passing HIV to others entirely on those of us that are HIV+ is the most foolish action one can imagine. It lets those that fuck without taking responsibility for their own actions say "I did not know and someone did this to me" when they seroconvert. This is not something I have done, because I took responsibility for my actions even before I became HIV+. My condition is my own making, not the fault of the guy that I got it from.

While this might seem like I am setting myself down a course of sure destruction, one should consider a fact that has developed since October 1, 2009. Before that date I had fucked 68 guys in the calendar year. All of them bareback. Since that date I have fucked one guy bareback. So in the 40 weeks prior to that date I did about 1.5 guys raw per week. Since I have done one in 11 weeks. At this rate I might get through four guys in 2010. Maybe I will go on a fuck binge and make up for it, maybe I won't. Time will tell.

So, I am defiant. I will set my rules. I will live my life. I will not let HIV decide my fate. Beat that!

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Click here to see Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker's original blog post...

I leave this blog for several days and low and behold I now have some followers! Nine of them!

Wow! Why does this make my dick hard? Weird... :-)

It is January 7 and I have not yet fucked in 2010. In fact the guy I mentioned in my last post as being the only one since sero-converting was the last guy I fucked. I am beginning to miss it bad though and it is only a mater of time before I am planting a load in a hot hole.

Am I the only top guy that after sero-converting feels a certain liberty to also get fucked raw if I want? I won't say it is a huge urge in a sexual sense, but rather a feeling of wanting to take a load or two or three just because this is not the threat it once was. Time will tell if I do this, but it seems like a super hot idea!

I think the ideal time to fuck and/or get fucked will be next week. I will be staying at the Mark Hopkins hotel in a room all by myself Tuesday and Wednesday night. It was at this hotel that I fucked the first and second guy of 2009, so why not? Maybe I will squeeze something in between sales meetings. By the 12th I will have not cum at all for 16 days, making for some urgent needs... (I did not mention that another rule I want to adhere to for myself is not cumming by my own hand in 2010!)

All I can say is my horniness grows...

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Click here to see Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker's original blog post...

We are half way through January and I have fucked one hole (the first real good plowing I have enjoyed since October) but I did not cum. It was a hot assed latin guy that took two or three other cocks as well. I even got to double up on him with one other guy. This all happened at Mack in SF on a Monday night which is "naked night. Only shoes were allowed.

So, why did I not cum? Well, I am adding to my rules that I posted in earlier posts. These rules are a bit unforgiving but I am going to do my best to adhere to them.

1) No cumming unless my cock is deep in a hot ass. I can get head, I can stroke, I can enjoy a hand job or more at a glory hole. But, unless an ass is wrapped around my cock condom free, the juice is not cumming out.

2) And worse still, I am not allowed to cum unless I get a load in my ass first. This is proving to be the challenge. I could have loaded that guy up last Monday, but I had not taken a load yet. Still have not today. I am searching and trying and I am not getting anywhere. I sucked a hot guys cock through a glory hole Friday afternoon, then I lubed him up and turned around. I thought I was about to meet this requirement, clearing the way for me to cum for the first time in 2010. Instead the guy pulled back and used the lube I put on his cock to squirt his load all over the wall, hole, and floor.

I am going to try to live with these rules through 2010. We will see how it all works out. Any tops in the South SF Bay Area looking to pump another tops ass? I need a load to get off! ;-)

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Click here to see Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker's original blog post...

I have been asked by a few guys how I became HIV+. What I think is really behind this question is actually, "did I only fuck ass raw or did I get fucked raw to?"

While I have been fucked raw before, no doubt, the last time I took a cock and its load was over two years ago. I have tested neg. several times after that session so I am sure that I did not get infected at that point. In fact, my doctor believes that I was infected in a time frame that makes the visit to the Steamworks on October 1 a good candidate for that event.

While at the Steamworks that night I went around and fucked eight guys, all bareback, some of them more than once. I also got tons of head. I had taken a 20mg Cialis tablet earlier that night to ensure I could do what I aimed to do, get lots of ass over several hours!

I fucked guys through glory holes. I fucked guys that did ass to mouth and back. I fucked a guy in a sling. I fucked guys on a saw horse. I fucked guys that were laying on their faces in their rooms (never looking up to see who was using their holes). I just fucked... Of course, I totally wanted all of that and I think it was one of the hottest memorable play nights on the books. I DO NOT REGRET ANY OF IT.

Truth is though, in the three weeks leading up to that night I probably fucked another 10-12 guys, never using a condom. So, there are other possible venues for getting "pozed" as some say, but it came from me topping raw hole, not getting fucked.

It is true that a top has a much lower risk of getting HIV, but it is not zero. If a guy likes to bareback and he is a top, I say all the power to him! However, we cannot go down this path without recognizing that there is risk. You have to accept that risk, because anything less is lying to yourself. I had already taken the possibility in my head and understood where I could wind up, and here I am. It is not a bad place to be, really. It is NOT the end of my world and I will continue to fuck raw, and maybe even get fucked raw more frequently than in the past.

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Click here to see Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker's original blog post...

Or should I say a top dude I ran into at the Steamworks last night did it? I took his load (and one other from another dude) and then I was able to cum myself. First time in 2010...

This guy was probably about 6' 2" or so, late 20 to early 30s, very hot, very cute. I watched him go into a glory hole booth as he watched to see if I was going into the one next door, which I was. I sucked his cock through the glory hole between us. His cock was a perfect shape in a soft condition. He responded well and that nice shape maintained itself, although it got so large I began to doubt if I should try what I had on my mind.

I opened my little Elbow Grease lube container and put a good amount on my hole. I also started lubing up his cock. This made him harder, so he must have known my intentions. I turned around to try and get started at which point he touched my hole with his fingers then left his booth. I thought at this point that he might not be into bareback, and that I had lost him.

I exited my booth only to find him standing right there. He moved me back into my booth and closed the door. In my mind I was thinking "oh fuck, I am in for it now" and I was not wrong. Over the next few minutes I sometimes wanted to try and exit that booth, but was also compelled to stay and finish what I started.

I turned around so my ass was available to him, which he caressed a bit. I added more lube to his cock and grabbed his dick so I could begin to back up on it. I got maybe a 1/5 of the way onto it and he grabbed my hands to get them out of his way and said "just take it faggot". I got instantly hard, but I also got impaled faster than expected all the way down his shaft. Talk about a painful experience! But, strangely it also felt awesome. Not only was his dick way to big for a first time fuck in over two years, but his height kept me on me toe tips (I am only 5' 6"), if not sometimes off the ground completely, adding a bit to the pain.

I squirmed off three times before he really took charge and made me take it. He had latched onto me in such a way that I could no longer get loose, and he maintained that grip over the rest of the time he had his cock in my hole. I was not going anywhere, apparently. He fucked deep and hard for a bit to make sure I knew what I was there for before slowing down and pumping nice and slow for a while. He then whispered in my ear asking if I wanted to eat his load. I told him I wanted him to shoot it up my ass. This led to him slowing down even more and edging there for a bit before announcing "here it goes".

I actually felt my ass warm up inside from his cum as it flooded my hole. I pushed back on his cock as far as I could go, wanting to make sure I got it all. It took him maybe 8-10 pumps to finish. Both of us were exhausted and he proclaimed that I have a sweet ass. Having been exclusively a bareback top for years now I knew what his sentiment was about and that his cock must have felt awesome up my ass. As if getting a cute boy's load was not enough, this compliment, and the idea that I made him feel so hot really got me going.

I then went off to find another cock and load with my ass feeling very sloppy (this first guy obviously had a HUGE load - and I could smell the cum on my finger tips after adding more lube to my hole). Thing is, now I am not so sure I am 100% top. This morning I am hungry and not for hole, but rather to be put on my face and fucked silly. We will see if this lasts...

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Click here to see Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker's original blog post...

Before Saturday night/Sunday morning I had a desire to cross the line and get fucked for the first time in years. I kind of thought of it as just a mile post of acceptance of my HIV status. A sort of celebration that I could cross that line if I pleased now, because the worst I had ever feared had already came to pass.

Here I am on Monday night and how wrong I appear to have been. I now have this overbearing urge to go out and find more dick to satisfy. I want to do for other top guys what so many bottoms did for me for so long. I want to help hot guys ride a wave of pleasure that makes them hungry form more. Only thing is, I can already see where this leads. It makes them want more and it makes me want more. What a vicious little circle of happiness it is... But, it is also frustrating. I DO have to go to work sometimes as well as do other things in life. Even if I would rather just lay on my face taking a hot cock instead. This is totally an unexpected turn of events!

This urge is not new to me. Many years ago when i was in college I would get this crazy urge to get plowed by some cute guy. The more cute a particular guy was, it seemed, the more this urge made itself known. Sometimes I could barely walk to class without being so overcome by this urge that I would wind up in some cruisey restroom looking for dick. Honestly, that happened a lot in those days.

Now, after almost a decade of almost exclusively topping, that feeling is back. I think in the last ten years I have been fucked by only four guys (not counting the two this last weekend) and only one of those four gave me a load. Now I am feeling like I won't be able to keep this at such low numbers anymore.

Why is this the case? Do I have some hidden issue that I never dealt with, a long time ago, now making itself known? Am I really just a needy person, even though I think I have my shit together and that I am pretty independent? These feeling do make me wonder about things like this.

But, it could also just be pent up demand, so to speak. I really stopped getting fucked to try and avoid becoming HIV+. I still fucked ass raw, but thought this was less risky than taking dick in my ass, and it indeed was. Now that I have crossed over that line, there really is not much reason to deny myself whatever it is I want to do. I suppose having such a hot guy pretty much seize control and do whatever he wanted was a substantial push, no doubt.

The one thing that I think we all tend to forget is that life is short. This is true with or without HIV. We forget this and deny ourselves things in the interest of staying safe. Of course we have to deny ourselves to make sure we stay housed, clothed, fed, healthy, etc... But, this has to be balanced with living. Someday I won't be fucking anymore. Someday I won't be able to enjoy the pleasures that I have before me today. It does not make sense to put away things that I love so much ALL THE TIME.

I love to fuck. I also, apparently, love to get fucked. I love to get fucked by a guy that takes what he wants for his own pleasure without considering me at all (as I have done so many times myself). I cannot deny myself either position.

For the immediate future I will probably be a tad bit more bottom than top. I will probably hunt for cock to pleasure. But, I also love my own dick and will hunt for hole to. The guy I topped Sunday morning, after taking those two loads, was real good. He had me edged up beyond belief. And, I caught myself taking notes in my head for my next engagement in his shoes. I only wish I could find my boy that started this whole process for me, and try to help him feel good a few more times...

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Click here to see Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker's original blog post...

Taking a look at my poll just 24 hours in, it is clear that if I do not want to get totally used I had better follow the rules as posted. So far I am following them to a T, and plan to continue. I could fuck and cum today since I am one ahead on loads up my ass, but I might just save that for when I am really horny...

Any guys in the San Francisco Bay Area want to own the results of this poll? Since I believe the one that will come out on top is already leading, I should put a plan in place to do it. If I fuck up I am serious about taking my penalty...

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Click here to see Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker's original blog post...

So, I used up the credit I had, fucked a hole, and came inside it today. Followed the rules, so I am still on track... From the looks of the poll, if I fail to maintain my adherence to the rules I will find myself on all fours taking a bunch of cock and loads without fail. To fulfill this penalty, though, there needs to be someone willing to take the reigns on this. I will pay for a room or we can find someplace to do the deed, but I should have no control whatsoever over how many and who the participants are. The leader of this task will make all of those decisions...

That is assuming two things. One, that I will fail to keep to the rules. Two, that in the next 70 days another selection does not win out.

If I fail anytime before the scheduled end of the poll whichever choice is leading at that time is the one I have to deal with. Otherwise, on March 31 at midnight we will know what I have to keep in mind for the rest of 2010...

As it stands now, I need a load to cum again. If I don't get a load I will have to be very very careful while stroking or getting head. I don't want to cum by accident!

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Click here to see Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker's original blog post...

There are two events in the last 3 1/2 months that have put me on a path of change. These changes are not all in place yet, but they seem to be mostly positive.

The first event is, of course, seroconverting. This event, as one would expect, has changed the way I interact with guys on a sexual level since I strive to keep from passing HIV on to others. But the changes reach beyond sex and into areas that one would not expect. Of course, I now work out more, and I eat better. But my changes go further than that.

Prior to finding out that I am HIV+ there were many things that would bother me. Situations at work, situations at home with my partner, all the typical things one faces. While I will not say that there is no stress related to these other things, I do think that I do a much better job of keeping them in perspective now. At work specifically, I let the politics roll off my back and continue with my job, making sure that lots of people know what I do and how well I do it, isolating any individuals that might want to keep me in a box.

Work is just one example, and there are many. But the short of it is that these changes are really an extension of the defiance that I wrote about in earlier posts. That defiance is permeating into all areas of my life. One might say that a little constructive defiance in one's life is a good thing, and I am finding this to be a core truth for my life in general.

In a way, this defiance led me to go to the Steamworks this last Saturday night.

I have a partner of over 15 years. We live together. We own a house together. We, along with our collection of animals, are a family. In the past I would not bring up in discussion that I wanted to go out and play with other guys. We have operated fairly independently on a sexual level for years now, but it was not really discussed. This led to some frustration on my part because I pretty much had to limit my sexual activity to early in the morning or just after work when I could arrange something in connection with my commute. Of course, one gets horny at different times and wants to do things that cannot be accomodated during the commute period. For instance, going to the Steamworks, for me, is a four or five hour ordeal.

Over the past six months we had worked out a way for me to do what I want sexually while maintaining our normal evening and weekend times together. Every other week or so I can go out on my own (and so can he) if I want. It can be a week night or a weekend night, no problem. It just cannot be all the time every night. For my part I just need to keep it reasonable.

The defiance part comes in where this last Saturday night, for the first time since I told my partner about my HIV status (he is HIV-), I decided to go out. I opened up a discussion that I would normally not open about all of the rules we had already worked out. We confirmed those rules and off I went. Maybe defiance is not the perfect word here. Perhaps it is better stated as confidence. But, I think they are closely related.

So, what is the second big event that is driving change? I take you back to the "I Did It" post.

Since the dude I wrote about in that post fucked me like he did, a lot of things seem to be in flux. I am no longer sure I am mostly top. I am not sure if I am vers either. I might be bottom, I don't really know.

How can an event of less than 15 minutes cause so much disruption? I don't know the dudes name. I don't know if he lives in the East Bay, South Bay, or San Francisco. I don't know if he has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I know nothing about him, except two things. I know what he looked like (perfect from my point of view) and that he likes to fuck with his huge cock.

The connection I have with this guy is totally though his dick and nothing else. And that connection ripped from me a certain understanding of who I thought I was. This is not a bad thing. It is making me consider things inside of myself that I do not think I would look at otherwise. In a strange way his fucking me on his terms, not mine, is helping me center on me.

I suppose if I knew the guy and had his number things might be different. I think I would probably want to try and repeat the episode as many times as possible. As it is, though, this is not likely to occur. Is there a dude out there (or dudes) that would fit the bill like he did? I am not sure. Perhaps this is supposed to be a one time event, even though I want more. Whatever the case, I now have an opening to change that was not there a week ago.

Finally, this blog and my writing, while sometimes sexual in focus, also has a serious side to it. When I was in college I wanted to start writing, but for some reason I never picked it up and did anything with it. Through this venue and because of all of these changes in my world I feel compelled at times to write. One more positive change that starts with becoming HIV+.

At the end of all this, however, it is not HIV or a big dick on a hot nameless dude shoved up my ass that is causing all of these changes. What is causing these changes is a willingness to pick up my life, directly address my own adversity, and remain open to new experiences and life conditions. I have to say, that my world is far more interesting now than it was before October 1 2009.

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For years I operated as a top, exclusively. Yes, there were exactly two specific times that I flipped in the past two years, but all of my hunting was as a top looking for ass to fuck. I can tell you that finding a bottom is not a huge challenge most of the time. I mean, I fucked 69 guys, all bareback, in 2009 so finding hole is not hard.

Flip that around. Since I am on a bottoming kick, at least for a while, I am now looking for dick. I am looking for tops. While there are some out there, I have to say that finding one that fits the bill all the way around is very hard to do. Online hook-up sites are impossible, and I think I only got lucky at the Steamworks last weekend. If I wanted to take 69 cocks in 2010, I think I would have a hard time finding them,. The only options would be for me to just go to a bathhouse, get a room with an open door, and lay flat on my face for a few hours without looking to see who was there. Not my style, although as a top I find that scene pretty hot.

I always chalked up the comments from my bottom buds about never getting enough, or not being able to find tops to being overly horny/sluty. While this still might be the case, I have a new found respect for their comments. It does indeed seem like there are not enough tops and way too many bottoms!

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Every once in a while I go into hibernation. It seems that I am starting one such period now. It has nothing to do with depression or anything bad, it is just a zone I get into that has me seeing a reduced libido for a while. I always cum back, usually suddenly, and sometimes with a vengeance. This time ought to be telling about my future sexual identity.

It was immediately following the last dry spell like this that I became HIV+ with that trip to the Steamworks, resulting in me fucking eight dudes. If this bottom thing lasts beyond the next cum back then what does that mean? Am I going to take 8-10 loads in one night at the Steamworks "lights out" party on a Thursday night? If you are a betting man I would put my money on yes regarding that possibility.

I definitely feel a sense of liberty regarding such things now and think it sounds hot to give it a try. I started to feel a little sense of "this is risky" in the middle of the night last night, but woke up feeling defiant again and saying "who gives a fuck!" If I want to get fucked I will... if I can find an acceptable top.

There are risks. The usual STDs, Hep C, a second strain of HIV, but I probably cannot do so much more damage to my future health than has already been done. In fact, the argument I listen to now is that there will come a time when fucking will be no more, and I enjoy it so much that I should not deny myself. I shall choose my partners with an eye toward quality, but I will get fucked just the same.

Yes, I am on the down stretch of my sexual rhythm chart, so to speak. But, watch out for when I am back. In the past this has lasted anywhere from 7-10 days and up to a couple of months, but it will indeed pass. I look at it as a period when certain things gel inside me. The recent expansion of my self vision (with the "I Did It" boy) will probably lead to some interesting times when this cycle passes. Anyone tops nearby that can meet me at the Steamworks in Berkeley when this thing passes?

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If my mother was still alive I would not tell her. I would keep the whole thing a secret from her without a doubt. She was the type of person that would take her travails (and those of her family) and make them complete and utter end of the world scenarios. For that reason, I would not tell her a thing.

Somehow I have risen above such dysfunction. I like to call myself dysfunctional. In fact, someone will ask me how I am doing in the morning and I will respond "dysfunctional". I believe that dysfunctional is normal. The word and the things that are associated with it are all normal life. We are taught, for some ungodly reason, to believe that our lives are unbearable and that everything that goes wrong must result in our being dysfunctional or less than healthy. Nothing could be more nonsensical at all.

I have my down days. I am sometimes sad, confused, unhappy, or some other unpleasant condition. But, more often than not I am upbeat, confident, happy, or some other positive state of mind. I have my up days. Either path is normal life. I might be dysfunctional, but it is a normal state of mind, not something that requires avoidance and a pill.

My mother let the world around her teach her that her troubles were unbearable and that she should just give up. She should just take a pill and all would be better. She took the pills (which I do not think she really needed) and all was not better. Over time those pills altered her state of mind for the worse and her imagined impenetrable barriers actually became just that.

No, somehow I have avoided learning the same things my mother learned. Instead, I take what life gives me and deal with it straight on. I found out that I am HIV+ just three and a half months ago and yet 2010 is off to an awesome start. I have little reason to give up and sit down in defeat. In fact, I have no reason to let this happen at all.

I write this in the hope that someone reading this with some extremely challenging situation in their life might find a way to put that challenge in perspective. Is it the worst thing that could happen to you? Really, is it? For me, being HIV+ is not the worst that could happen to me. There are other more challenging scenarios for sure. I hope others facing the same issue can see it for what it is, just a bump in the road that can be navigated...

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Seems the period of "hibernation" I alluded to a couple of days ago is already over. It is not nearly what I thought it was going to be, and I am back "on it" as far as the hunt is concerned. I stroked my cock for a good 45 minutes this morning, getting all edged up and hungry. I could go for some hole right now, but I have to keep my rules in mind. I am sure many of you are hoping I will break my rules, but I am going to try and avoid that.

Even if I break the rules, there is not a top signed up to enforce the penalty, so nothing would come of it anyway. I think I am shortening the poll time frame, leaving just one more week for guys to vote. Let me know if you are a top that wants to help enforce the penalty that will obviously win. Tis the only way to make this work...

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So, on Sunday I went to the AIDS/LifeCycle Kick Off Party at Club Mezzanine in San Francisco. Since this is my first year riding (see my plea for your support near the top of the page) I did not really know what to expect. I knew I wanted to meet my cycling representative and see what the crowd was like, since I will be spending several days out on the road with these people.

I walked in and the music was pumping. I did not expect that Club Mezzanine would be used as, well, Club Mezzanine, but here I was and indeed it was being used exactly that way. There were cookies and cake for free, which was not exactly club like , but if you wanted a drink you indeed could buy one, and most people had one in hand.

What else did I find? Well, I focused in on a table setup by a group called the Positive Pedalers and got some information from them about their training rides. Ahead of me was a younger guy that I thought looked interesting and indeed he was. When he was done and turned towards me I immediately recognized him from BarebackRT.com. He is a guy that have drooled over for some time now, and here he was in front of me. He had just signed up for a particular training ride with this group, and now there was no way I was not also going to sign up.

That ride is a multi-day ride (spending two nights at a lodge up at the Russian River) and is not until May, but you know I am gonna be there! You will also be correct if you assume I will bring along a container of Elbow Grease, just in case. Did I tell you that his profile says he is Vers Top? I may not have a sore ass only from my bike seat...

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In light of the penalty that is certain to be put in place with the close of the current poll (tomorrow) I am very motivated to follow the rules set forth. With that said, I have not cum now since Jan.19th. That makes it 10 days now. Not a record for me, but still a long time.

I wake up in the morning with sex on the brain. I sit down with my coffee, which seems to act as a short term viagra kicker, and before you know it I am stroking and edging my cock right up to as far as I can take it without breaking the rules. This morning I wanted to squirt so bad, but I also intend to follow the rules. The most extreme penalty is, of course, the one in place, so I have to be very careful.

While I am motivated to follow the rules for game sake and avoidance of the penalty, I am also motivated to not waste my cum. In 2010 my cum belongs in hot dude hole and nowhere else. Just the thought of that makes my dick hard. Of course, the big complication here is that I have to take a load before I can give a load, and this is proving to be so very very hard. Harder than I had imagined it would ever be.

There are guys I can get loads from, but I tend to be a little bit more picky about that than where I put my dick and its load. There is one guy that is reasonable looking, but his dick is so big it scares me. Do I dare? I fear that holding to the rules will cause me to accept his offer somewhere along the way and I think I will truly regret that move. Seriously!

Sunday I think I will head over to the Steamworks after my ALC training ride. I will do this unless I find a reason to go with one of my fellow rider's to their place. At the Steamworks I usually am able to find reasonably good looking guys with reasonable cocks, plus going at it in public places is extremely hot! Sundays also seem to have my type of guys, so maybe I can add some to my load count to maintain a reserve. So, if you are local to the SF Bay Area, the Steamworks on Sunday afternoon around 2PM might be a good place to be if you are a hot top with a load to give!

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This morning was a continuation of what I described yesterday. I woke up to my coffee and wound up stroking my cock to within just a stroke or two of cumming. I got myself to that point several times over an hour long period. Toward the end I felt myself getting into a zone that I often get into when getting great head at a glory hole or fucking a sweet ass. That zone is where I cannot stop even if I want to, and it usually results in a huge load being shot into the mouth or ass that is giving my cock such a hot time. It is rare that I get there by my own hand, but indeed I was edging right into that zone. In fact it was very tough to make myself take my hands off my cock, but somehow I managed...

The picture on the right is of my cock from this morning. It is at the peak of stimulation, just after I managed to pry my hands loose. I need to fuck and I need to cum, thus, I need to get fucked and take cum! NOW!

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So, I make it to the Steamworks this afternoon with high hopes that I would be able to take a load and then give one myself, cumming for the first time in 12 days. It did not take me long to find a hot guy willing to pump my ass raw through a plexiglass glory hole, and I am sure he was enjoying himself. But alas, HE DID NOT CUM!

I got lots of head, fucked two asses, and took one other raw cock up my ass. But I did not get a load, so I had to leave without cumming. Now I am totally a mess. I am so horny I am squirming in my chair as I write this. I need a load so I can get off!

This rule thing was my own idea and I intend to keep to it, but it is making me nuts! Not enough interested tops that fit my list of requirements within easy driving range. I will keep trying, but I fear I will just wind up cumming when getting head (I almost did three times at the Steamworks this afternoon) and then the penalty will be in my face! At this point, I am so horny that I will take the penalty. We just need someone to own it...

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OK!

I give in. On January 29th I posted "Horny Beyond Belief". In that post I mentioned a guy that "is reasonable looking, but his dick is so big it scares me." And I fretted about how big of a mistake that might be. Well, tomorrow I plan on making that mistake. It seems to be the only sure load I can find right now.

He is cute, no lie. But his cock is WAY too big!

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Do they get it?

There is this one straight guy at my work who is over the top sexy. My perception is that he is the perfect 'alpha male'. Confident, a little cocky - but not enough to ruin his calm self image. Tall and oozing sexuality without even trying, he definitely knows he is cute, that is clear. But does he know what effect he has on gay guys?

I kind of think he does. He will come sit in my cube and have a discussion, often about nothing; which, of course, is a bit disconcerting. I think he revels in putting me off kilter. And, actually, I do to. But, does he really know the full extent of the possibilities?

Since I have been letting my bottom side re-emerge I find his visits even more off putting than they used to be. Yeah, he has always been attractive, but I cannot say that I previously had this overwhelming urge to get on my face for him. Now, his presence makes that "squirm" reflex kick in and that has its own challenges indeed (is this what it feels like to be a cat in heat?).

I think he has no clue that all he would have to say is "let's fuck" and it would be a done deal. Nope, he has no clue!

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