PozToxVersPig

Well this is a new thread I haven't seen before. To whoever @TransInWI is thanks for bubbling it up. I reread a lot of it just now and it's interesting to see the different debates. Some of what I read: Is it an addiction or a compulsion or an obsession? Can we be more precise about the language? Different tolerance levels for the acceptance of condom use period I think using precise words are important. I think it's very common for people to say "I'm a _______ addict." There is no such thing as sugar or carb or coffee addictions either, but people still refer to it that way. People understand better when someone says "I'm a sex addict" versus if you said, "I have a strong compulsion and obsession for sex." While we're on the language tip, can we come up with a better term than "gifter/giftee?" I'm a qualified gifter, but any time I use that word, all I think about is wrapping paper. Not sexy. My bigger question in response to the start of the thread though is this... Why should we have to stop barebacking? We shouldn't. STIs of any sort are certainly a deterrent, and not to be cavalier about it, but whether the STI is viral (HIV, HPV) or bacterial (gono, chlam, syph) all STIs are treatable, and many are curable. If you're worried about your status, go see a doctor or a clinic and seek testing and treatment. Most cities, even many smaller cities, have free community health clinics with testing and treatment services. If you don't care and don't want to get tested, and your hookup asks about your status, be honest. Let them choose whether to fuck with you or not. If they don't ask, they don't care enough for you to care on their behalf. If you're fucking in a dark room, then you can choose what to do next. So, we don't have to stop barebacking. But I think everyone should take ownership of their sexual health and whatever that means for them and if you're hooking up with randos, either ask direct questions or accept the consequences. I've been getting fucked and fucking from the age of 15 to todays (46) and I've had one STD other than HIV. I'm probably incredibly lucky. I have never once used a condom as a top or bottom. I plan on dying never having used one. I knew from that moment at 15 that becoming positive was a potential outcome of the sex I already loved and continue to love. I don't even fully understand why guys are using condoms anymore...with Prep and everyone on meds who is poz (minus a few of us). Oh, and I like a lot of sex, but I don't think I'm an addict, obsessed, or compulsive. I would probably say to someone "I'm a sex addict" because it's the most succinct way of saying I like a lot of sex. Have I made questionable decisions to have sex? Yes. Do I think that I'm in danger of losing myself to sex? No. Although I do think sex work is one of the few industries that is safe for a while from AI, so I might be changing fields 🙂

Author's Note: If you've made it this far and have not read the Author's Note, please do. It adds important context to all chapters of this story. PHEW! Sucking dick! I could breathe deep and relax a little. Of all the completely crazy things that had happened so far that were off the wall or new to me, sucking dick was something I could do with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. Ironically or apropos that particular turn of phrase, my hands were chained behind my back, and I had a blindfold on. I opened my mouth instinctively, ready to wrap my lips around Jacob’s dick. I couldn’t tell exactly where his dick was though so I began to lean forward, hoping that I’d find his body then could find his dick. Trying to maintain balance with my hands behind my back and using only my abdominals was hard. I kept leaning forward anticipating when I’d reach his body. I felt a strong slap across my face. It wasn’t painful, but much harder than when Ethan had previously slapped me. “No one told you to do that, Boy. You will get fed my dick, I will fuck your mouth and throat, and you will choke on my dick when I want you to really feel it. I want you to stay just like that, Boy. Do you understand?” He had moved my body back to an upright position. HOLY SHIT! This is going to be harder than I thought. I was going to get a proper face fucking. This wasn’t gonna be some post-brunch pre-nap Sunday blowjob. My first thought was “I wonder how big his dick is” and then I realized I didn’t even know what Jacob looked like, let alone what his dick looked like. He said he was going to feed me his dick so I just opened my mouth as wide as I could and sat there, waiting. Seconds later I felt the tip of his dick rub against my lips, and he began moving the tip of his dick around my lips in circles, over and over. I could feel that he was precumming and that he was basically painting his precum all over my lips and face. I could taste it, I could smell it. I could feel the wetness of it on my face. He then put his dick in the center of my mouth and began pushing his dick in to my mouth. I was doing my best to keep my mouth as wide open as possible. He kept pushing his dick in slowly until my lips reached the base of his dick and the tip of his dick reached my throat and went down my throat just a bit. I gagged a bit because I didn’t expect him to go all the way in, buy he pulled out every so slight so I could adjust and parked the tip of his dick all the way at the back of my mouth at the border in to my throat. He stood almost perfectly still and let his dick just sit in my mouth and his dick head blocking my throat. “Wrap your lips around my dick, Boy.” I still was keeping my mouth fairly wide open because I didn’t know what was going to happen next. I closed my lips around his mouth and made small motions forward and backward like you would when sucking someone’s dick. His dick was on the thicker side, but manageable. He was above average in length, and if he wanted to, could get his dick further down my throat. The shaft of his dick was wider than it was tall…it was not perfectly cylindrical but slightly flatter…not in a weird way. Ethan chimed in from within the living room, close...I hadn't heard him even approach. "Fuck yeah, you choking our Boy with your dick? You like your lips wrapped around that dick and that nice fat head of his blocking your wind pipe, Boy?" I grunted, which was the only thing I could possible do. "I've got an idea! Get your dick out of Boy's mouth for a second, Jacob." Ethan said. He walked over to the trunk and then back to me. He removed the ball gag from around my head and it its place was...another gag? I couldn't really figure out what it was even after it was on my mouth. He tightened the strap behind my head. "Boy, close your mouth." I could not close my mouth. Something was holding it open and not just open but as open as my mouth could possibly be...like when you’re at the dentist. "What do you think, Jacob?" "Yeah, I think this works. Boy, you feel how your mouth feels right now, and how wide open it is?" (I made some type of noise.) "When I say, 'Boy, Open' that is called a command. Whether you are standing or on your knees or in your cage, you need to immediately open your mouth exactly like this and keep it open until told otherwise. Do you understand, Boy?" (I made some sort of sound intended to convey “Yes, sir!”) "We're gonna keep this spreader on you for right now, but you won't have it on you all the time, unless you fail to follow the command and open your mouth real wide, just like it is now. When your mouth is open like this, there will be probably be something that is pushed in your mouth after. It could be Daddy or my dick, it could be a toy, it could be anything. Let's practice with my dick." Jacob seemed rather chill as he started pushing his dick in to my mouth. Slowly pushing further and further in until it was right where it was before, the tip of his dick hitting the start of my throat. He rantly slowly pulled out, pushed in…for a minute or so. I was beginning to think this was far gentler than I had anticipated, given the gag that was holding my mouth wide open. Which is exactly when Jacob decided he had had enough of the relaxing dick massage I was giving him with my mouth. The speed and pace and aggression of him fucking my mouth increased instantaneously, just slightly slower than how a really aggressive top might fast-fuck the hell out of a bottom. In and out, over and over, jack hammering my mouth with his dick, frequently getting in so deep it hit the back of my throat. I could feel saliva dripping down my lips and down my chin, off of my chin and either hitting my chest or the floor. I made those choking and gurgling noises you sometimes hear when someone is sucking dick, and I kept trying to reach around and push his hips away from me to get a break, and he kept pushing them back behind my back. “Stop trying, Boy. You’re not stopping this.” Ethan, the stealth presence, grabbed the chain from the wrist cuffs and attached my wrists behind my back. He then attached the chain between my wrists to the chain between my ankles, immobilizing me further. Kinda like being in the cage, I was no longer to move much one way or the other and I couldn't use my hands to slow the action. Jacob continued pummeling his dick in to my mouth and I could feel my eyes watering and what looked like tears started rolling down my cheeks. "Check it out Ethan, Boy is crying because he can't handle a little bit of dick sucking. Or maybe he misses you. Wanna give it a go?" Ethan walked over to stand in front of me and shoved his dick all the way in slowly to the back. Instantly, I could taste that it had been in my butthole. Ethan’s dick tasted fresh, but had the unmistakable taste of even the cleanest butthole…or in this case, mine. He let his dick sit in my mouth for a moment and then begin throat fucking me just like Jacob. I drooled more out my mouth, my eyes watering while I choked every once in a while on his dick. "I think that's enough for now. Let me finish the snacks and Jacob, you teach him a few more commands and then we'll eat." Jacob proceeded to detach the various chains, told me to stand up, and removed the mouth gag/stretcher thing, and instantly replaced it with the ball gag. Over the next 10 minutes he taught me various maneuvers I would need to remember and perform flawlessly at all times. Upon hearing the command, I was to execute the maneuver immediately and I needed to be prepared to take the orders “from anyone.” The phrase “from anyone” caught my attention because it further reinforced what I had already suspected – there were more people joining at some point. The commands I learned were: · Boy, Down – the position that I had maintained in the Cage · Boy, Stand – I would stand upright, feet shoulder width apart, arms by my side · Boy, Crawl – on my hands and knees, eyes facing down · Boy, Kneel – on my knees, body upright, arms by my side Each of these commands could be modified. If I was told to be at “ATTENTION” my hands were to be clasped behind my back. If in the Crawl position, my head was to rise and my eyes to look forward. The command would sound like “Boy, Stand. Attention!” “At Ease” meant I was able to drop my arms/hands to the starting position, or lower my head in the Crawl position. Jacob walked me through each of these positions, one by one. I managed to get the hang of it really quickly. It was harder than it seems though – blindfolded and moving your body from standing to your knees to bent over touching the floor – when you can’t see anything it’s more challenging to maneuver your body. “Good job, Boy! There’s one more command you need to learn. And just remember also that you’re to obey these commands from anyone in this house. Do you understand?” “Yes, sir!” There were those words again – “from anyone” – I knew for sure there were others coming at some point. He proceeded to walk me across the room in the direction of the front door, if I had any sense of where I was at all. “Boy, Welcome!” was a command intended for when we were receiving guests at the front door. Upon the order, I was to go to a specific spot between the living room and entry way, kneel at Attention, and turn my head slightly towards where I thought the door was. Jacob was leading me to where I needed to go, but I had no idea how I would find this spot again. “You did a good job with your training, Boy. We need to see how good you remember these commands and keep proper form. You need to be perfect every time. And I think you know how we handle mistakes or worse, if you don’t follow the commands.” “Yes, sir!” I was still kneeling on the floor, Jacob seemed to walk away, I was blindfolded. I wasn’t told to do anything and I had no idea if I should move or just stay there. I checked in with myself and tried to estimate what time I thought it was. I had gotten there between 1p-2p…factoring everything that had gone on, I thought it must be somewhere around 6PM but I had absolutely no clue. It could just have easily been 4PM or 8PM. 6PM seemed a little late for a “snack” but honestly, the time made no difference. I was still in Welcome position at the door and I can hear things being moved around – more like plates and silverware being placed on the table. No one is in the room with me. A few minutes go by and I’m started when I hear KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. From the kitchen Ethan says “Door is open, come on in!” I hear the door open, someone enter, shuffled foot steps and the door shut. I stay perfectly still. There is a new smell in the room, a masculine smell, but different than Ethan and Jacob. I was surprised how tuned in I was to smell at this point and realized I probably never would have noticed subtle differences had it not been for being completely blindfolded. The new person ran his fingers through my hair and kind of tussled it around, kind of like he was petting a dog with long hair. "Handsome Boy, isn't he? Has he been go so far?" the new person said, presumably speaking to Ethan or Jacob. Ethan and and Jacob both responded at the same time, talking over each other "For the most part" "Yeah, but lots more to learn." "You're just in time for snack time. Wanna grab this stuff and make a drink and we'll sit out side?" Presumably everyone grabbed the plates and the drinks and what not while I stayed there still in Welcome position. "Boy, COME....oh, you don't know that one yet, do you? Boy, that means you stand up and find your way to wherever I called you from. We'll work more on this later." I clumsily get off the floor, trying to remember where everything is. I find a wall and follow it around to the opening between the dining room and the kitchen to right about where the Cage is, then turn towards the main part of the kitchen and Ethan says, "Boy, Stop!" I instinctively stop and stand dead still. "Boy, Crawl!" I get on my hands and knees. I feel the leash being clipped to the back of my collar, and Ethan gives the lease a little tug and I follow after him. I go down one step, on to the lawn, and then my leash was attached to something else...one of the chairs maybe? "Boy, Down" - I assume the position like the one from the cage. Ethan puts something down in front of me, just in front of my head which is resting in the grass. "Boy, I made you a snack. It's in your dog bowl." "Yes, sir, thank you sir." I move forward just a little bit. The bowl is a similar type of bowl as my water bowl. Whatever was in it smelled good, but I couldn't see it or tell what it was. Here goes nothing, I'm legit eating out of a dog bowl...I bit into what seemed like a mound of rice? It was chicken and rice, all pulverized to tiny pieces so you could barely discern the two textures. There were some vegetables in it but I couldn’t tell what kind. It was not seasoned, at all...very bland. I ate it slowly because I wasn't sure if "snack" also meant dinner or if this was something else. The three guys carried on talking about shit while I ate my food and occasionally rested my head in the grass. At one point somebody dropped something off their plate and said “ah shit.” “Don’t worry, just toss it over to the Boy!” Something that felt like a cracker hit me on the shoulder and fell somewhere beside me. Everyone was having a great time laughing. I was constantly rock hard throughout this whole thing and my excitement was building. Even though I was eating out of a dog bowl on the grass chained up and blindfolded, I loved it. I had eaten as much as I was going to of the food and started to think how crazy this experience was – not because of what was happening, but because of how organized it was. Even things like knowing what commands to teach me, perhaps even the arrival of Jacob and this new person and the timing there. This started to feel more like a production than just some accidental fun-time. I was led inside by my leash in the the kitchen and the please was removed. I was still in Crawl position. No one said anything at all to me but all Ethan, Jacob and the new person went to the living room. I remember Ethan telling me that if I were left out of my cage with no leash that I was free to roam around as long as I stayed in crawling. I decided to give it a go and meandered in to the living room, trying not to hit anything. I was trying to get to where I thought the couch was and eventually I made it, after running in to a side table. I crawled up on to the couch and laid down to relax for a bit…as long as I could until whatever else started up. Nothing that had occurred had been too energetically challenging, but the mental, emotional, and physical impact had made me want to rest. I laid down and fell asleep. I’m glad I did because I’d come to find out that the day’s activities were not over.

Author's Note: Part 7 will be posted on 12/29/2025 as well. Also, if you've made it this far and have not read the Author's Note, please do. It adds important context to all chapters of this story. HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! It’s hard to describe but having had the blindfold on for as long as I had at this point, whether I had my eyes open or not, I just saw this black expanse. The longer I was blindfolded, the more my brain seemed to try and make sense of my experience by creating images that I could only see in my mind. I know this sounds crazy. So HOLY SHIT! seemed to be floating around in the black. Each different version of those words was in a different color, design or font. Each represented, in a way that made sense to me, emotions I was feeling: shock, surprise, anxiousness, devious excitement, lust, desire, longing… I know it sounds crazy, but I could see the words floating around, in different colors and fonts, representing my emotions – in my mind. Perhaps this was something that happens when you’re deprived of your vision for extended periods of time. I did not know. Here is a shitty rendering from ChatGPT - it looked nothing like this but you get the point... I had a moment of ... not panic, but a combination of racing thoughts, physical overstimulation and feeling out of control. I needed to pump the breaks. HOLY SHIT! I took some breaths, tried to quiet things, and used a coaching technique from cycling which was to focus on a “single point of light” letting everything else move to the periphery. Again, crazy as it sounds, in my mind, I moved all the “HOLY SHIT!” chaos to the side and ahead of me in the black was that single point of light. Why was I causing me to have so many different feelings right now? I needed to break it down mentally. What did I know to be true? What concerned me? What didn’t I know? How would I check in with myself moving forward for however long this lasted? I knew that Ethan was a good person, a colleague, a friend. There had been no yellow flags, red flags, or signals of any kind that caused apprehension. Check. We had discussed our limits and non-negotiables and agreed to respect them without question. He had made clear his commitments regarding my physical safety. He asked for my consent and I gave it. I had an “emergency exit” if needed in the form of a safe word. Check. He had a strong relationship with his family, friends and community. He had a great job. We got along great. Check. I decided at that moment that I was going to trust Ethan fully and not continue to second guess what was happening. Check. There was also a lot I didn’t know: How long was this going to go on? What exactly was going on? Ethan had made comments that made me believe others might be involved at some point…who were these people? I decided then and there to honor my own commitment to what was happening, which was to participate. I hadn’t asked for any clarification about what would happen next, and I needed to get comfortable in the fact that I’d find out and be surprised as it occurred. I think I let go of any desire I had left to control at that moment. My final thought was about Ethan’s passion for BDSM, the BDSM community, and the values this community represents. He was vocal about it with family and friends and advocated further acceptance. It would not support Ethan’s goals regarding BDSM if I had a terrible experience. I wouldn’t participate again but beyond that, it would likely taint our friendship. Also, though I wasn’t part of the BDSM community, it would damage any sense of allyship I had. Everything continued to reinforce that I had nothing to worry about. He wanted to have fun and train me to be a good Submissive, perhaps pulling me further into a love of BDSM so we could more fully participate together. These thoughts and resolutions all occurred in my head as I was crouched in the Cage. It was like a mental whiteboarding session and Shamanic release ceremony rolled in to one, all while I was naked, in a dog cage, unable to move, and alone. I felt very relaxed and let out a large breath. I snapped out of my meditation when, while exhaling, I dropped my butt slightly towards my ankles, causing the anal beads to pull against the inside of my hole. It wasn’t painful, but it was significant enough to snap me back into consciousness. I then overcorrected, pushing my butt back up towards the top of the Cage, but also lunging forward slightly in the process, causing the Humbler to pull on my balls. I kept moving my body trying to find the right position but couldn’t. I was moving around in all positions but couldn’t quite find any position where I wasn’t being pulled on. Muffled by the ball gag still, I let out a frustrated grunt and moan partly from the sensations of being pulled two ways and part because I felt in that moment that I desperately needed Ethan’s dick inside me again. It took a few moments of small adjustments in all directions for me to regain the position I had been in. It was such a relief to not be battling the anal beads and the Humbler that I started to relax immediately, slowing my breathing and relaxing my muscles again. My mind began to wonder again. I could see black, a point of light. I could also feel my body. My mind and body felt connected. I started to pay attention to the sounds I was hearing. Occasionally, an airplane would fly overhead, sounding like it was descending into SeaTac. I could hear it through the screen door that led to the back yard. This made sense given where Ethan lived. I could hear cars passing by in the front of the house on the road every so often. The sound was faint and probably only audible because a window was open. One of the pipes in the kitchen made a whooshing sound irregularly. I stayed crouched in the Cage a bit longer when I heard the front door open and shut. "Hello, Boy, I'm back" Ethan said. "Hello, Sir" I said, muffled by the ball gag. There was no way the sound could be interpreted as words. I then heard the front door open and close again. Ethan had already made his way to the side of the cage. I could tell he was there, and this was confirmed when he opened the door to the cage, reached in, and rubbed my back gently. But I heard other footsteps. And the OH SHIT!s returned. OH SHIT!, there's another person. OH SHIT!, there's another person that's gonna see me in this Cage. OH SHIT!, what is this person here for? I AM FUCKED. Who is this person? OH SHIT!, I CANNOT SEE! OH SHIT!, why is no one saying anything, why is it so quiet? I was making some type of noise that was a combination of fast shallow breathing, moaning, and unintelligible sound to communicate I wanted out of the Cage. The other door to the Cage opened where my head was. Ethan removed the ball gag. "Did you miss me, Boy?" "Yes, sir, I missed you very much." "Okay, stay there while I get you squared away in the back. You think you can keep the anal beads in for now?" "Yes, sir." He detached the anal beads from the cage, took off the Humbler, and led me out of the cage. He told me I could stand up and stretch, and I did exactly that. It felt good to stand and move my body freely, something I hadn’t done for a while. “Let’s go back to the living room, Boy. I want to introduce you to someone.” I thought of what I must have looked like. Restraints on all my limbs, ball gag on my chin, collar on my neck. Nipple clamps. The end of a string of anal beads hanging from my hole. A cock ring and ball stretcher on my front side. And that was just the gear. My hair must have been disheveled, and my body coated with a sheen of sweat and lube. I cannot believe someone would be “meeting” me for the first time in this state. Still blindfolded, he led me to the living room and towards where I thought the couch was. He positioned me directly in front of what I could tell was another physical presence. I could hear this new person breathing so I knew he was seated on the coach or one of the chairs. Ethan pushed me down to my knees and pushed my torso forward until my head finally touched something…it felt like...my head was being placed in someone's crotch between their legs and they were wearing jeans. I could feel the soft scratchiness of denim against the side of my face and my nose and mouth. I could also faintly smell a masculine cologne or aftershave. "Say hello to your Daddy's good friend, Boy. This is Daddy's friend Jacob. Jacob likes a lot of the same things that we do, and he thought it would be fun to come over and hang out and play. Does that sound good, Boy?" "Yes, sir." "You wanna play, Jacob? We’ve got some work to do." "Absolutely." "Jacob, you said you had some lessons you thought you could teach Boy here and some new commands that he should learn. Wanna get started with his next round of training? I'm going to pop in and out of the kitchen while I make some snacks for us and Boy. But I can’t wait to watch this session.” Ethan left the room and entered the kitchen. I could hear him opening cupboards and pulling preparing whatever the “snacks” were going to be. At the same time, Jacob placed his hands on both sides of my head and pushed my torso back. I was now on my knees and fully upright, Jacob now standing in front of me. I heard him unzip his pants and pull them down, remove his shoes and toss them over to the left of both of us. His dick was apparently at the same level as my face because he slapped it across both of my cheeks multiple times. He grabbed the back of my head and pressed my nose into his pubic hair. He kept my head there while I breathed in the smell of his dick and balls and crotch. "Make sure you take a good whiff of my smell. I want you to remember it. It might come in handy. All good Submissives remember everything about their Dominants. Their smell, their taste, their feel, their voice…” "Yes, sir." I inhaled deeply, over and over. He then told me he was going to turn around so I could smell his hole. “Lean forward until you get your face between my ass cheeks and can smell it.” I was too slowly leaning forward because a few seconds later, he reached behind my head and pulled my face forward until my nose was right between his ass cheeks. I breathed in deeply again and could smell man. I loved it. I desperately wanted to stick my tongue out and bury it in his hole, but I stopped myself. I had learned that I am to do what is asked of me and speak when I was spoken to, not more. I had already received a punishment for doing something I wasn’t asked to do. If Jacob wanted me to lick his hole, I would do so without question. But without an invitation, I would probably receive a punishment, and I’d deserve it. He turned back around with his dick towards me, and smacked his dick across my face a couple of times, then leaned down a bit and with his mouth close to my ear said, “Open your mouth, Boy. I’m gonna teach you how to suck dick.”

Hugs. All good. Seriously no damage done! 🙂 I know I'm a tall poppy - and I know what Australian's do to them! 🙂

I have done some research about BDSM relationships that are considered to be patterned off of BDSM values and principles, which are quite clear. It is a kink that is very much based on mutual trust and understanding - a lot of people just think of it as Dom/Sub or physical "abuse" or "torture." But in really, it is something that only works if you start from a position of trust. It began with real conversation about limits and absolutely off limit things. Ethan shared the Doms, then we talked about mine. Ethan then made commitments he promised to uphold under any circumstance. Trusting that was the jumping off point. I either had to trust he would do as he said, or I was fucked regardless - either because I'd feel my limits and the consent I gave was not honored or because he was up to something nefarious. Neither ended up being true. Very quickly, I saw no examples of him not honoring our agreement and his commitments and many relationships, the trust was then easy to invest fully in. Psychologically, it calmed any tension and anxiety I had, made me more open to escalating physical/mental experiences that would come... I'm thankful it was never abused, but I would have done nearly anything by about day 3 had they asked me.

My misunderstanding. You started talking about whether I was "this sensible during sex" and then began talking about "when we get beginners." I thought you were connecting the two. 🙂 Apologies. I do agree correct breathing during FF - as well as in life, sports, anxious situations, etc. - is critical. But I think there's other physical training that would help prepare FF bottoms. @Erik62 - I'll keep notes of what I did and hopefully videos/pics of the outcomes. 🙂 One thing that was suggested was having an "FF Coach" - someone who could help you with the physical parts but you didn't necessarily have a sexual relationship with. So I recruited an ex to come and push my limits with the butt plugs. Not accept me wanting to stop when he feels I can go further! When I set my mind to something, I get the job done 🙂 Also, I am sensible when I need to be and 100% not sensible when it comes to actually having sex...

I started to move my hands more quickly across the Cage and attempt to figure out as much as I could about my new “home.” I wasn't sure what to think. I felt safe with Ethan, but in terms of Dom/Sub stuff this had now gone way past anything I had ever done. Normally it was just restraining someone and fucking... but living and “relaxing” in a dog cage? I was overwhelmed yet not worried...but my mind was trying to process things and wasn't really doing so good. Based on my assessment, the cage was large. Not large like it was a kennel where someone could move around, but suitable for a large sized dog. It was about 4-5 feet long, 3 feet wide, and maybe 3-4 feet tall. The sides and top were very open but certainly had enough metal to keep anything inside it inside. I had seen dog cages like this, so I had a general idea in my mind what it looked like. I hadn’t ever seen one that was large enough to hold a human inside…but this seemed large. I heard the door of the cage open. "What do you think, Boy, do you want to try it out? Get in your house, Boy. I'll help you." "Yes, Sir." He pressed me down to my knees and then forward into a crawl position. HOLY SHIT! “Good boy! I'm gonna put on your collar. This always stays on. When we go on walks, I'll put your leash on. When you're inside or in the yard, you can roam freely on your hands and knees. Sometimes, I'll let you stand up, but otherwise, you'll be on your hands and knees. Do you understand, Boy?” "Yes, sir." He must have crouched down because he used the opportunity to slap his dick across my face, presumably because I was about to be put in the Cage. He grabbed the back of the collar and led me crawling forward to the door of the Cage. He told me to be careful of the small lip I needed to crawl over and continued to lead me inside until I was fully inside the cage. "Try to move around, Boy, get used to your home." "Yes, sir." Now that I was inside, I could tell how big it was relative to my body. I could not stretch out my body. I had to stay in a crawl position or could cross my arms on the floor and put my head down on the floor of the Cage. Ethan opened the door on the other side of the Cage. “Boy, I’m putting a water bowl over here in the corner where your head is on the right side.” I couldn’t really tell where the water bowl was but there was only so much space for it. The Cage was like any other dog cage you could buy at a pet store. I moved my body side to side, tried to sit up to ascertain the space above me, and inched forward to find the water bowl to see how much room I had in front and behind me. I had about 4 inches on either side of my body, so there was no way for me to turn around and face the other direction. There were about 8 inches above me, so there was no chance of sitting up. There were 6-8 inches in front and behind me, maybe less. There was a pad on the floor of the cage that felt like neoprene or something waterproof, but it was thin and I could feel metal cage beneath the pad that made up the floor of the Cage. "How do you like your home, Boy? It’s your Boy-cave! Are you comfortable? I'll bring you some treats and a toy later for when you're in your cage. Don't worry, you won't be here all of the time, but when your Daddy has to go on an errand, or pick someone up, or whenever I want you to, you'll stay in the Cage. Do you understand, Boy?" "Yes, Sir." "I'll be right back. I need to grab your first toy." He walked away and presumably to the Trunk. He returned to the kitchen and set something on the kitchen table a few feet away. It was notable because it made an odd sound being set on the table. He moved back to the side of the cage. "Boy, I lied to you, you'll get your toy in just a few minutes but first I want to do some training. This will train you to have good form and to be obedient to me.” (I couldn’t what he was holding but he tapped it against the Cage a few times.) “It will teach you control and also remind you of the limits you must stay within. Are you ready, Boy?” I was moaning just from the sheer exhilaration of all of this. "Yes, sir." He moved to one end of the cage, where my hole was. I then felt more lube spread over my hole and fingered inside of it. He must have been on his knees given he was reaching inside of the Cage to do this. He began to insert what I instantly recognized as an anal bead into my hole – the shape was familiar as was the rubberized connection between the balls. I’ve played with several types of anal beads – some are all the same size, and some start out small and grow larger. Based on the small first ball, I was betting these were graduating and I was in for more and more hole stretching as he proceeded. He proceeded slowly but eventually got to the fifth and last ball. My hole was well worked at this point, but the fourth and fifth ball still required some focused relaxation. The shape of the balls alone makes them harder than a dildo or plug of the same size to take. He finally pushed the fifth ball inside. I felt like my head was going to explode from the intense sensation of having my guts filled with the anal beads and the stretching my hole was enduring. I groaned and then let out a huge breath. "There boy, that's step one. Are you ready for step two?" "Yes, sir" I responded, breathing quickly, feeling amazing and warm, the end of the anal beads dangling from my hole. I wondered “steps of what?” He then slid something that felt like wood between my legs, turned it to cross my legs, and began attaching a second piece to the first on the other side of my legs and .... around my balls? I couldn't really tell what was going on, I was moaning and panting, my balls were getting stretched between these pieces of wood. I had never seen a Humbler before, but I started to get a sense of what it did. If I were to try to get out of the position I was in on my knees and bent over, the Humber would pull on my balls, harder the more I tried to get out of that position. "Boy, this is meant to teach you obedience. If you try to get out of this position, it will continue to become more painful as it pulls on your balls. You and you alone are responsible for the pain you feel. Do you understand, Boy." "Yes, sir" I whimpered. It didn't hurt, but when I tried to make a small adjustment in my position, I already felt a noticeable pulling on my balls. "Boy, the final part is this, you also can't crouch down more. Right now, I'm attaching the anal beads to the top of the cage. If you try to crouch downward, it will tug on the anal beads inside you and pull against the inside of your hole." "Yes, sir." He walked to the side of the cage where my head was and opened the door on that side, reached in and put the ball gag back in my mouth. "I'll be back in a few, Boy. I've got a surprise for you. Stay here and be a good Boy and show me how good you're going to be for the rest of our time. I won't be far, don't worry." "Yes sir" I attempted to say through the ball bag. I heard him put on his clothes and exit the front door. I was immobilized, blind, speechless, my hole was stretched open, my balls were stretched...and I was in a cage I couldn't get out of. I had no idea how long I would be there. My mind raced with many thoughts: Ethan’s told me that my life would not be in danger…he did say that right? Did he say that? Yes, he said that...I can trust Ethan. He hasn't done anything to hurt me, he told me we were going to be Dom/Sub...maybe I just don't have enough experience. This is Dom/Sub type stuff...why would I worry? He told me I would be safe. I'm going to be alright. This is okay. When will he be back? I'm safe. The lack of ability to see anything combined with the silence, the confinement, the additional restraints preventing my movement without considerable and intense pain made my brain spin out of control until I told myself to breathe, in and out, counting my breaths. Three in, three out. Three in, three out. Over and over...I found some quiet and calm from the thoughts in my head. And then the brain kicks in again...then you breathe... HOLY SHIT, I have no clue what is going on... (TO BE CONTINUED....)

@Erik62 I'm neither a beginner, nor have I not had giant things up my ass, including being fisted in to the double digit number of times! 🙂 I fuck myself with my current buttplug (and I mean in and out over and over) which is not small! 🙂 It seems to me, though, that like any other thing that involves muscle memory and ongoing practice, there might be something more than just breath, relax, etc. Like any good sport, surely there's a playbook a coach would work from. 🙂 The breathing and mental clarity parts I've got! 🙂I do appreciate the response! 🙂

In my other post, I talked about using the time my PA upsizing heals (4-6 weeks) to work on hole stretching - just generally cuz I want to - but also so I can potentially have more experiences as a FF bottom. I'll never be one of the dudes from a DickWadd fisting film who can get double fisted without much effort. I'm 46, including 31 years of lots of bare sex (~10 times being fisted), and sometimes my hole feels more like someone who has barely had sex at all - no matter how hard it gets work, it recovers. I like that I still have an intact hole, but I'd like to work on flexibility. Anyway, I ordered the Topped Toys Grip: sizes 80, 96, 106 - I think 80 is similar to what I have now. 96 and 106 are beyond what I've had in terms of a butt plug and I think 96 is as thick at the widest part as my largest dildo that I can only handle after some significant pre-work opening. For fisting bottoms out there - where do you feel you need to be in terms of easy circumference you can take that gives you good confidence that you're ready to FF bottom without a huge amount of the top pre-stretching you and opening you up? I still want to be opened by the top, but I don't want it to be a Herculean effort prior to the main event. When you play with yourself, do you use a plug and if so what size? I have seen quite a few vids lately in rotation where these 20/30-something year old guys have these massive, gaped holes, are getting double fisted, etc. I recognize they are in the porn industry, but surely they did more than just take dick to get to that point. I'm not saying I want that, but there's something that gets people to that point and I don't know what it is! 🙂

@Erik62 I definitely don't ask but sometimes it's there on the profile and you can't really miss it. In those cases I'd rather see poz or neg versus "don't know" or "ask me." I'm big on poz on poz and quite frankly we poz dudes know more pigs than e.g. neg chasers, so I'd rather make new "friends" through a poz dude. 🙂

@HotLoads thank you for writing this up. I now a lot of events tell you what to expect and the timeline, but it's always great to know the real-world experience. I have NEVER heard of Mount before - and I'm surprised because it sounds like a great event. I've done Horsemarket before and hopefully again in 2026. and the event format seems similar. As a person who hates waiting in line, I'd probably have missed getting a sling or fuck bench. This is one think I like about Horsemarket is that they hold a lottery for mare positions so that all mares have a place. That suits me because, as I said, I HATE LINES! 🙂 Glad you had a great time. Sounds like a really well run event.

I'm curious about this, because back in the early 2000s people would ask "when was your last test date" and I always thought this was such an unneeded step - anyone that's trying to deceive someone can just make something up, and to your point @Hunter22 - unless it was a test taken after their last sex and within the detection window of the test - no one knows. And yes the sex-events too. Even on the sites - some people don't answer the question, some say ask me, some say don't know (which people assume means they are positive, I think). It's just a really unhelpful data point. Also, as a poz detectable dude, I'll say that dudes that know they are poz or neg are much hotter to fuck with than someone who doesn't know. It's hotter that a neg guys knows he's fucking me a poz dude, or a poz on poz type feeling, then "i dunno what i am." I think dudes think this means they can cast a wider net, but I think it doesn't really work that way.

Is the pig hole the butt plug that's hallow in the middle? If not, tell me what you mean and ignore the rest. 🙂 I had a butt plug that was hallow that I presume was made for pissing. It was metal and you could remove the center part if you wanted to so it was hallow. That thing was intense as fuck. I have / had (the silicone one disappeared, metal one I still have) of what I believe they call gromets...the silicone one was fun and a top could fuck you with it in. The metal one was a physical impossibility. I tried so many times but only ever got it in once.

100% for. Ideally they are begging me for my load the entire time I'm fucking them.

I heard him turn on the water in the kitchen. He came back into the room and set something down in front of me and said, "Boy, what other things might I have in my house that would be Submissive to me?" "Sir, I don't understand what you are talking about." “You’re by Submissive. What else might live in a house that would be Submissive to me in some way? I paused for a bit. This was my first foray into the Dom/Sub world at this depth, so I wasn’t quite sure how to answer. Up to this point, any Dom/Sub play was simply the top taking control, telling the bottom what to do, and otherwise was just a normal fuck session. Now, I was already well past that point. Blindfolded, geared up, restrained, a ball gag still resting on my chin… "Are you talking about a pet…well, a dog…Sir?" "Good job, Boy. A pet and a pet that can learn…exactly like a dog. A pet is submissive to his owner…his alpha. He is trainable and learns commands. He obeys those commands without question. Doesn't that sound a lot like what you were told your job was, Boy?" "Yes, sir, it does." "I'm glad you think so because you're going to receive a lot of the same treatment as a pet might and that starts now. Right in front of you is a clean pet bowl filled with water. When you need to drink some water, you will drink out of this bowl while on your hands and knees. You can only use your mouth, not your hands, to get the water. I'll make sure there is always fresh water in the dish and that you have access to it whenever you need it. If you understand, Boy, you can drink some water." "Thank you, Sir." I couldn't exactly figure out how to position myself. My hands were still chained behind my back so I couldn’t use them to position myself. I lifted my head up and inched forward until I was above the bowl, something I only knew by lowering my head until I finally touched the bowl. Without the blindfold, this would have been easier. I’ve watched dogs drink out of bowls, so I began to do what they do. Lap up the water with my tongue. I then realized if I put both my lips into the water I could suck the water up. The odd body position of using my abdominal muscles to hold up my body to drink the water without my hands for some reason made me more aware of the butt plug in my hole. It was at that moment that Ethan, while I drank water from a dog bowl, Ethan began doing to me something I still do to myself to this day. He began fucking me with the butt plug. Fucking yourself with a butt plug is different than a dildo, because there is a notably wider base on butt plugs and the opportunity for your hole to close once past it. In and out, over and over, my hole would pass the widest part and close around the base, then Ethan would pull it back out forcing me to stretch my hole again. I had stopped drinking water at this point, and my face was back on the ground. I continued moaning as Ethan worked my hole. "Your hole looks great, Boy. Before we go further though, I want you to feel something else in there. I want you to try to remember what it feels like for the rest of our time here. Pay special attention to how it feels compared to the butt plug and also try to think about how it feels different from anything else that might end up inside you.” I assume he had taken off his jeans when he was in the kitchen because the next thing I knew I could feel the tip of his dick rubbing over my hole up and down repeatedly. He was going to fuck me and I wanted it. "Please give your dick, Sir." He smacked my ass harder than he had my face and said, "Boy, don't speak unless spoken to. I didn't ask you a question." He then shoved his dick in, as always, firmly and aggressively all the way down to the base in about a 10 second stroke. His timing and technique continued to be perfect. I moaned from the feeling of having his dick all the way in and my hole stretching around the base of his dick. He began fucking me in a perfect medium speed, each time all the way in and almost all the way out. "Boy, are you going to remember how my dick feels? How my dick specifically feels?" "I'll try to, Sir! It feels amazing Sir. Thank you, Sir.” He pulled out, smacked my ass again, reached through my legs, pulled on my balls, and said "Stand up, Boy. I'm going to show you where you will be….relaxing…for the next few.........well, for a while." I stood up, and said "Yes, sir" as he grabbed the chain between my arms and started to push me across the room. He unfastened the chain so my arms could move freely. "Boy, reach down in front of you until you touch something." "Yes, sir." I carefully continued bending down lower until my hand touched something. It was metal, it felt like...fencing? I moved my hand around a bit more, felt the square corners and a bit of the sides and then realized what I was touching. A dog cage.

Author's Note: Part 4 will be posted on 12/28/2025 as well. Also, if you've made it this far and have not read the Author's Note, please do. It adds important context to all chapters of this story. Ethan walked back to the Trunk to gather some additional items, but I couldn't tell by the sounds what was being gathered. There were so many things in the Trunk that could be used, really at any time. And because I had no idea what this play session would include or how long it would last, there was no point in trying to guess. "Boy, get on your feet and spread your legs shoulder width apart once you're standing." "Yes, sir." I tried to say, but the ball gag made it sound like an unintelligible grunt. He pulled the ball gag out of my mouth and rested the ball on my chin. “Yes, sir!” I repeated. He grabbed my dick and my balls with just one hand; a reminder of his physical size compared to mine. He pulled on both firmly and then began switching on pulling on my balls and dick separately for a minute or so. I now knew what he was gathering from the Trunk. He grabbed my dick and balls again and with his other hand, wrapped what felt like a thick silicone cock ring over my dick and around my balls, pulling both through the cock ring. He continued to adjust the cock ring until it was as far down on my shaft as possible. I had expected that to be all the gear going around my dick and balls. Ethan got down on his knees and pulled on my balls, stretching my balls away from my body. He placed one part of what felt like a metal ball stretcher around my ball sack between my dick and my balls and snapped the other piece in place to complete the ring. He seemed to use some tool to fully attach the two, so the ball stretcher would not be coming off All this time I'm gently moaning, loving every minute of it, my dick is semi hard but sort of pulsing. There’s so much happening to my body that I don’t think my dick knew what to do. I was incredibly horny and felt that sense of anticipation when everything that happened ended up surprising you. He started slapping my dick and my balls, over and over, gently at first but increasing in intensity. From the top, from the bottom, from the left, from the right. He yanks on both my dick and balls every once in a while, but uses two hands now, likely because of the stretcher on my balls. "You like how that feels, Boy? You're starting to shape up as my Submissive." "It feels fucking amazing, Sir. I wish I could see." "Don't worry, Boy, you'll get a chance to see everything at some point." I can tell my dick is completely hard now only because every time he slaps it, it bounces around a bit like only a completely hard dick would. He walks around to my backside and picks something up off the floor and starts to place it over my head. It was a harness. I owned three harnesses but rarely used them because, for some reason, putting on a harness confuses the hell out of me. I loved the fact I was getting to wear one. Ethan had the harness on me, tightened and adjusted in seconds. "Fuck Boy, I forgot something." He walked back to the trunk. He then reached underneath the harness straps and attached nipple clamps to both of my nipples. I could feel a metal chain connect them. He continued to adjust the tightness of the claps, pulling on the chain to try to get them to come off my nipples and adjusting them tighter each time until he could pull on the chain to his satisfaction, but without the clips coming off. This process kept me jerking involuntarily when the intense sensations occurred every time a nipple clamp would come off. I would let out a yelp and my body would tense. "How's that feeling, Boy? Those are probably going to get tighter so enjoy this while it lasts." "Thank you, Sir, it feels great." He got on his knees behind me and attached a thick leather cuff to each of my ankles. “Stand with your feet shoulder with apart, Boy!” “Yes, sir.” The clang of metal chains was easily identifiable, and I could tell he was attaching the chain to the cuffs and connecting the cuffs to each other. When he stood up, I tried to move my foot and sure enough, they were not going any further than shoulder width. He then attached similar but smaller cuffs to my wrists and connected them with a similar chain. Hanging from the middle of that chain was another chain. I could feel the weight of the chains on my arms. "Boy, are you ready for the good part? It's time to get you really prepared for the rest of our time together." He unclipped one of my wrists from the chain then brought my hands behind my back and reattached the chain between my wrists. "I'm ready, Sir." “Get down on your knees then bend forward until your face is on the floor. Then pull those ass cheeks apart and present your hole to me!” “Yes, sir!” I got down on my knees then slowly bent forward until my face touched the ground, then turned my head to the side and rested my cheek on the wood floor. It’s harder to bend over like this with your hands behind your back. I spread my cheeks apart as far as I could, given the limitations of the chain and the restraints. “Here is my hole, Sir!” “It’s my hole, Boy. It doesn’t belong to you anymore. Do you understand, Boy?” “Yes, sir! Here is your hole, sir!” “Good Boy.” I heard the sound of lube being pumped out of the XL size buckets you can buy – at least I assumed it was lube. I found out immediately when he rubbed the lube all over my hole, gently fingering some in as well. He continued to finger me until four of his fingers where inside of me. I was moaning constantly while he worked my hole. I could tell that my hole was loosening up and responding to the fingering. “Thank you, sir! Please open my hole up!” I felt a little bit lightheaded and like I was floating and spinning. Being blindfolded completely messes with the senses that orient you to your environment. I also noticed how I was far more sensitive to the sounds around me, and specifically the chains clanging every time I moved. Ethan pulled his fingers out and had an idea what was coming next. My hole was contracting and releasing all on its own. My hole was hungry… "Boy, do you want some water before we continue? I want to keep you hydrated." "Yes sir, may I have some water sir?" Before getting up and going to get the water, I felt Ethan position the tip of some type of toy against my hole. In one firm and aggressive motion, he inserted the toy all the way in to its base. It was a small to medium size buttplug and was now locked into my hole. Ethan had selected something that would be challenging, but also not hurt or overwhelm me or risk me wanting to stop. He was clearly making sure I could go the distance. "Stay here and don’t move, Boy, I'll get you some water." (To be continued…)

I agree with @757pozzybear and @PozBearWI - whether you test positive or not - if not knowing is causing you stress, worry, anxiety - that's far more damaging to your physical state but also ongoing psychologically - Knowledge is power - if you are positive, you have lots of choices about how you'd like to respond - but then the choice is in your control....it'll help relieve the stress to get tested. Good luck!

So, there's apparently a huge secondary market where people are selling there smaller ones once they upsize....I'm trying to be a better fisting bottom but all the plugs makes it really cost prohibitive.

Ethan quickly moved behind me and started squeezing my shoulders the same way he had when he stood behind me outside. He also ran both of his hands down my entire torso to my waist taking extra time to massage my chest at various spots. He had truly masted the perfect pressure and strength to apply to his hands to make it feel firm, comforting, therapeutic and sexy. I was here for it. My dick was straining against my jeans again and I was quivering or shivering or shaking just from the intensity of his rub down…and partly because it was Ethan. There was a connection that we had with each other that went far beyond touch, communication, mutual interests…it was just an energy. And something about his touch just amplified things. "Did you think we were gonna fuck when you came over here?" he asked, very matter of fact. The way that he asked the question made any answer completely okay and safe. "I mean, I didn't know, so I..." I kinda stammered while he continued to rub me and then just like that, he had his hand down the back of my jeans and rubbed his finger over my hole between my ass cheeks. He smelled it, then tasted it - and said, "Someone came prepared!" Ethan laughed softly. I had noticed that Ethan had an almost “dance like” ability to move to exactly where he wanted to be gracefully and precisely, while at the same time moved so quickly you barely even knew it was happening. He pulled his hand out, reached around to my front and unbuttoned my jeans and pulled down the zipper and yanked my jeans to the floor. "Get your shoes off and then get these jeans off." His tone was still friendly, but I noticed he had definitely become a bit more abrupt with his words. I did was told and then he pulled my shirt up over my head and threw it in the general directly of where I had set my jeans. He spun me around, so I was facing him and grabbed my jaw with his hand and leaned in and shoved his tongue in my mouth and gave me one of those aggressive, masculine, dominant wet kisses. It was one of those kisses that hit so many different g-spots in your body and across time and space that your vision blurs for a second. He pulled away. “Boy, here's what you need to know about what happens next. I am your Dominant, and you are my Submissive. Your entire purpose is to follow my direction, do as you’re told, do it well and to my satisfaction, not ask questions, and not complain. Do you understand?" “Yes, I do” "Here are my commitments to you. Your life will not be in jeopardy, I will be responsible for your physical wellbeing, and I will make sure you have food and water as needed. You will be able to use the bathroom to relieve yourself as needed. I will honor one safe word you can choose now. If you say this word, I will immediately stop anything that's happening, we can take a break, or we can stop entirely. What do you want that safe word to be?" I was both aroused and amazed...my mind was going so many different places and so I looked past Ethan and my eyes fixed on the dishwasher in his kitchen, so I said, "Dishwasher." He laughed "Alright dishwasher. You want your safeword to be dishwasher, Boy?" He continued "Boy, unless you use the safeword, everything that I have decided I want to do with you will happen for as long as I want it to and I'll be responsible for telling you when you can be relieved of your duties as my Sub. I commit to you that you will be able to return to work on Monday, you'll have time to rest and recover, time to run any errands to get ready for the week...I'll also monitor your phone to make sure there are no emergencies. Can you tell me the name of three family members who might call you in an emergency?" I gave him my mom, sisters, and aunts name. "If these people call or text, what I will do is pick up or respond and indicate that you are busy and left your phone behind at my place, and ensure there is no urgent need for you to call back. If there is, you will be allowed to call. If not, you will wait until your responsibilities as my Submissive are fulfilled to return the phone calls. Boy, do you understand?" "Yes." He then did what you see in so many military movies and told me I could not speak to him without ending my statement with "Sir" or "Daddy" and softly slapped me across the face. "Not all punishments are going to be that gentle, Boy, so make sure you don't earn any more of them." He told me to get on my knees and face away from him and the trunk. I was naked minus socks. I heard him walk to the trunk and heard the sound of metal clanging and he quickly grabbed a variety of items and placed them on the floor next to me. It was the leather restraints along with some chains. He walked over to me and stood behind me. “Are you ready, Boy? Say goodbye to the sunlight for a while!” “Huh?” And just like that a complete blackout leather blindfold was placed over my eyes and the leather straps fastened behind my head. I could not see anything, not even the faintest amount of light. I heard him walk out of the room and suddenly I felt like I was completely alone in a pitch-black room. I couldn’t hear Ethan, I had no sense of anyone being in the space with me, and I did not know what to do or when something would happen next. “Take deep breaths” I told myself. In, out, in, out, in, ou…….. (TO BE CONTINUED...)

I will say @TaKinGDeePanal - I've had two relationships that lasted nearly a decade and one a little less. With each, there were some early cautionary flags that I should have paid attention to that ultimately would have saved me from being in that relationship. With Jason, I don't think I'm looking back at him with rose colored glasses, but there weren't any such cautionary signals at all. Even with the extreme nature of entering in to this BDSM event, I was calmed by having him there. So....maybe that says something, but I saw no reason before during or after this event to stop developing our friendship and relationship (and to continue the extremely dirty and amazing sex) 🙂

I don't know. We would have been Jason and Jason which would have been annoying, but he certainly is one of a few people or choices in life that I'll never know but still ponder the question you're asking. The way we connected was so authentic, and so effortless, that had what happened to his parents did not happen, we might have gone the distance - yeah. We talked prior to his family trauma about his struggles with depression (and mine as well) and he was actively engaged in finding a new therapist and switching psychiatrists because he did not feel like the medication he was on (Zoloft, I think) was working. So, he was being proactive about his mental health. I don't think anything could have overcome what happen with his family and I think he went very quickly off of a deep end. So yeah, I do think we could have. But I'll never know. Part of writing this really has unlocked a lot for me of stuff I've buried. When he died so shortly after this, I was traumatized also, and I think pushed this entire experience in to the netherworld of my brain. It was only a friend asking me if I was ever going to write this story down for posterities sake that I finally decided to do so. He was a real kind, compassionate, fun, sexy, pig fucker that roped me in with his charm to what you'll be reading over the next weeks. I think I wrote this somewhere but - this is truly something that I think was once in a lifetime....and now having written about so much of it, I see how much impact it has had on me. In positive ways. And I owe that to Jason, Jacob and Aleks.