Hey boys,
I've been doing a lot of traveling lately but I just got back to LA and really in the last 48 hours I've noticed a subtle, but I think possibly significant change in my thought process.
A few months back I posted about my struggles with bug chasing in that it is a huge sexual fantasy of mine, but at this time I'm not even sure I want to bareback just because I haven't come to terms on any level with the realities of being poz.
I've had a few experiences with guys lately where I really wanted to not ask them to use a condom - or one time when a fuckbuddy of mine, who's clean, ended up cumming in me. I was annoyed that he didn't tell me it would happen but also found it really fucking hot.
More and more I want to take loads and I even met up with two poz guys. We didn't do anything but make out - but still I'm starting to play with that fire...
Now here is the mental shift I've noticed. There are a few new guys in my area I might hook up with soon and we haven't talked about playing safe yet or status and my brain keeps very genuinely and calmly thinking I should just not ask their status and let them decide what they want to do.
I don't know if I'll follow through with it - probably not yet anyway - but that thought has NEVER crossed my mind but I keep thinking how much easier - less work it would be just to not ask and start taking loads if the guy decides he wants to give it. I know the sex would be SO MUCH HOTTER that way... but still... I haven't wrapped my head around the consequences. The even crazier thing is I can feel myself starting to feel like I want to come to terms with it so I can just start chasing.
I'm only 24 so I have a lot of life ahead of me, and the other thing is my work is very international and there are countries I want to continue to work in that might not grant me visas if I have things like HIV - so there's still a lot for me to keep playing safe - but damn... what is going on?!
Am I slowly going down a path of no return? Do I even want to stop it? I don't know. What do you guys think?
I thought some of you would appreciate hearing this and also would love to hear your thoughts.