jtonic

You're overdue.

I think the stigma, more than anything else, is the most difficult thing to deal with. I thought I was fine, but recently, trying to meet guys, I realize sex will be my biggest struggle. I'm not a bottom pig who will do anon sex - I think I'd have an easier time if I was. But I'm not ready for that. And I'm taking a huge toll on my sex life.

I have the same question, but for asian guys. I have difficulty hooking up on that basis alone (and being poz hasn't exactly helped in the past 2 months either).

I guess the bottom line is "your experience may vary". I've learned that your sexual / dating habits BEFORE turning poz make a huge difference. If you're the kind of guy who meet frequently on BBRT, or perhaps, you go to saunas a lot or engage in anon sex, then turning poz doesn't necessarily change your sexual / dating habits. You would continue to hook up the same way, from the same "poz-friendly" places, and you'd continue to get off the same way you always did. But I'm in the other camp. I was not a bug chaser, I never stepped in a sauna, I never engaged willingly in bareback sex. I only learned about bbrt after going to this forum. For me, turning poz means I need to change my habits - dramatically. I can no longer meet guys the way I used to (at least, not without having to live with a barrage of rejection). I can no longer meet just anyone on Grindr. In fact, I've been told repeatedly on this forum that I should consider BBRT / anon sex / saunas - none of which were part of my habits before. That's the difference: some guys won't need to alter their habits; others won't have a choice.

2 months living with HIV. I'm not getting good reactions so far. I lost most of my contacts. Most guys freak out or stop responding when I reveal my status.

Good news.

I have my appointment on July 22nd to find out once and for all.

If your CD4 was at 700 before taking meds, then you have nothing to worry about. Mine is 240 - a bit low. But my last test was undetectable, and I haven't even started the meds. Even with a low CD4 count, I'm in better health than most guys my age, and I actually outperform 2/3rd of my unit on the fitness test (I work as a part-time Army reservist). CD4 means squat to me. And my doctor seems to agree. The standard in Canada is < 40 copies/mL, though I was told my clinic may switch to the 20/mL standard soon.

Thanks for sharing, Tiger. Also, don't be alarmed by a so-called "drop" in CD4. If you're at 489 and you're in good health, then you're in good health. For anyone on meds and reading this, don't compare your CD4 count to another person, and don't freak out if it's lower. Everyone's health is different. Your doctor will tell you when something is alarming.

So, they took blood samples on June 18. It's been 16 days and I still haven't heard back from my doctor. Getting anxious. I called my social worker and she said the results haven't come back due to several holidays we've had recently in Canada. But it seems unacceptably long to me. The only thing that keeps me sane right now is knowing that, as of May 22nd, I was undetectable (to my surprise) - even though I hadn't started any of 'usual' meds like Stribild / Complera / Atripla, and instead, could be thanks to 3 weeks of PEP. I'm just scared that in the 6 weeks between my last 'known' test and today, my viral load may have increased back. If so, I want to find out what it is right away. Anyone ever deal with such a delay? (16 days and counting from test to result)

They're not irrational fears. Each test will bring its share of stress, whether that's today or in 10 years. For what it's worth, my ID doctor says that most patients in 2014 achieve a very low or undetectable viral load within 3 months, or faster. Even if your results are not what you hope for, it could just be a matter of time, or worse case, you'll be taking different meds 3-6 months from now, then you'll be undetectable. Just follow their advice, one appointment at a time. As far as CD4 count, I'll reiterate what my staff keeps telling me. Don't read too much into that number, especially at the beginning of a treatment. Yes, the trend matters over the first 3-6-12 months. But don't freak out if CD4 hasn't increased substantially after 7 weeks. Finally, don't compare your cell counts to someone else's - it's not an absolute measurement of someone's health. The important thing is that you've adhered to your meds. So you're doing great. Stribild obviously hasn't given you major side effects. You'll be fine, regardless what the results are. I'm sure this is just the beginning towards even better news in the future.

I have experienced this twice (where a micro-tear resulted in some blood). It only took a day or two to recover. Rough sex or big cocks can cause this. If it happens to you every time you get fucked, it's not exactly normal. Anal tears should not be chronic. This is very generic advice, but I would say : - Relax as much as possible. If you have toys (dildos, buttplugs), use them. If you don't, you can finger yourself. Play at your own pace. The more you practice, the easier it is on your ass when you actually get fucked. There are many ways to stretch and dilate your hole. Just have fun, explore and see how far you can take it without hurting yourself. - If you have trouble dilating, try poppers. It may help you relax, especially at the beginning. - Use plenty of lube. Whether it's toys or a cock, with or without condoms. The less friction, the better. Things need to slide easily. - Pay attention to your body. If there's pain, know when to stop before it gets out of hand. - It could be your anatomy. Just be careful. Go see a gastroenterologist. A micro-tear along the sides of the rectum is easy to recover from. But bleeding could also be caused by a top who repeatedly bumps against the wall of your sigmoid colon (where the rectum turns into the colon) - this can cause permanent damage. When in doubt, go see a doctor and ask. - Ask about Quadriderm, or some other types of cream or balm to treat the fissure as quickly as possible. Try to see if there's a pattern. Do you bleed because a cock is simply big? Or is it when the top fucks you a certain way or in a certain angle? There are many possible reasons.

What's wrong with a power bottom being proud, if he can prove it?

I'd just like to add that, ultimately, your doctor and you will decide what is the best course of action. Also, don't read too much into T-Cell or CD4 count. People here tend to use cell count numbers as if it was a universal / absolute number. That's not the case. Everyone's immune system is different, based on age, genetic profile, lifestyle, health history, etc. My clinic has seen patients with a CD4 count of 100 who were in better health than someone the same age at 500. What matters is your trend over time.

Don't listen to that guy. Listen to your doctor. Everyone I have talked to (therapists, nurses, GP doctor, ID doctor) says you should start ARV meds as soon as you're ready. Today's meds have almost no side effects.

I didn't think twice when he asked if kissing was safe. It did strike me as obvious, but I anticipated questions like that. Plus, we had been kissing just moments before, so it's understandable that he asked. I answered the best I could. I think disclosure of any kind comes with a double burden: the discloser deals with stress, fear of rejection, then educating the partner. The disclosee has to deal with the initial shock, acceptance, then be able to absorb information. Poz guys will always have to do some HIV 101, whether they like or not. But it's the same for any other kind of disclosure. For example, what if someone reveals to me that he's transgender, or deciding to declare bankruptcy, or that he has a condition that requires major surgery... something like that. The burden of 'teaching' always falls on the one having to disclose sensitive news. People tend to brush on issues until they're confronted with the reality. Thankfully, if your partner is truly accepting, then he'll learn on his own, whether that's living with HIV, or being transgender, or going bankrupt, etc. He'll quickly get to empathize and 'know' rather than judge and 'ask'. I wish every gay guy was aware of this. I see too many 'clean/ddf' statements and baseless 'neg' statuses on hookup sites.

PissPigBrooklyn and JizzDumpWI - thanks for your kind words. I saw my counselor today (same ID clinic, but she's my social worker / psychologist). It was a good session. She echoed nearly everything you said. HIV is just one of many possible 'deal breakers' out there, and everyone has their own, from trivial to serious. A guy can be rejected for being too thin, too fat, too hairy, a drug user, a smoker, or perhaps living with his parents, maybe even too good-looking! HIV is just one of many 'things'. None of these attributes 'define' a person. So there's no reason why HIV should carry extra weight on my shoulders. In other words, I should stop being a 'poz drama queen' (not her words of course, but it became my internal speech). I did meet my date later that afternoon. Mind you, it was only our 2nd date. But there's definitely a spark (he's still so damn cute!). So I felt it was time to tell him. The butterflies came back. I actually followed your advice. I did it rather directly, without dropping hints, without building any suspense. I flat out told him: "I feel the need to share something with you; I've been seeing a doctor recently, and I got a diagnosis for HIV". I teared up immediately after that, because I saw his shock and braced for the worst. Needless to say, he also saw me at my most vulnerable. He didn't freak out at all! There was no crisis, but I could sense hesitation. He just had to process the news. The first thing I uttered was "I'm sorry". Not sure why, but it came out. The second thing I said was "I would never put you at risk, so I wanted to tell you before things got any further". The third thing was "I'm definitely in good hands, and I'm not in danger of dying from HIV, especially in 2014". After some back and forth, he switched from concern to curiosity, which I took as a good sign. He started asking questions. He didn't know what undetectable meant (I told him about my test results)- so I explained viral loads and how meds work today. He asked if kissing was safe. He asked if using 2 condoms was safer (I don't think it is? due to unnecessary friction?). I also had to clarify that undetectable only means 'under control', definitely not 'cured' (you'd be surprised how many guys think that's the case). To my surprise, after 10 minutes, we were moving on to other topics - talking about IKEA furniture =) I have to say, that was a great feeling. At the end of the day, I'm glad I told him. Of course, I don't know what he's thinking tonight, or will think tomorrow. He might change his mind. But at least, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. This was actually the first time I told anyone I was poz (aside from the internet). In a way, today just invalidated the weeks of anxiety I had accumulated. And it confirmed what everybody here told me all along. HIV really doesn't change a person; it IS part of being poz, but it will never define 'you'. bbzh - I agree the timing was a little weird for me (people should never rush a disclosure for the sake of disclosing), but there's a definite spark between us. We can't stop texting, holding hands or sharing every little details of our lives. There's clearly plans to meet again. So I felt like today, it was the right time to share what I was going through. Not too early that it feels out of place. Not too late that there's broken trust. Thankfully, the drama was all in my head. It was all gone after 10 minutes. There will be many more discussions if we get to the point of having sex. But for now, I appreciate your concern about going through a delicate phase. It's always good to reflect. I only had 10-15 minutes with my ID doctor the other day, so I didn't have time to dig deep on what happened (plus, there was the initial surprise of finding out I was undetectable, which threw me off). Basically, they will keep monitoring my viral load, based on a new sample taken yesterday. If my VL increased, it would indicate that 3 weeks of PEP medication (Truvada + Isentress) was enough to target the virus - and that would be the reason I was undetectable last month. Additionally, if there's enough virus to perform genotyping (VL above 400), then they will recommend a drug that will work as well as PEP did for me (but we would still favor one-pill-a-day as opposed to 3). The other possibility (and the one my social worker is predicting) is that my VL will remain undetectable, even after stopping PEP meds for a month. In fact, it is entirely possible that I was already undetectable the day I first went to the clinic in April. Sadly, we don't have measurements before that. So there's not enough data to make a conclusion yet. Everyone says there's a possibility that I'm an elite controller, but it's too early to confirm. Regardless what happens with the next results, I should still welcome both scenarios as good news. By the way, I took home my results: The only thing I'm truly worried about now is my CD4 count. The doctor said it's on the lower side, but there's nothing alarming. True: I don't know what my CD4 was before so I can't compare. But personally, 240 seems very low to me - especially when I see other members in the 500-900 range. I know CD4 is just a measurement in time. I was told it can fluctuate on any given day. And there's also the fact that I lived with high anxiety for two months now. Maybe I'm not eating well enough? Or maybe 200-300 was always a normal range for me? Am I obsessing too much over my CD4? Overall, the past 2 days have been a roller coaster, but mostly a good ride today.

So... I went to my appointment today, and evidently, the roller coaster is continuing for me (both good and bad). I was expecting to find out my viral load and genotyping results for drug resistance, and even hoped to start meds right away. Instead, I got a curve ball. First, the good: It turns out, the test from my most recent visit (May 22nd) was undetectable! (May 22nd is the day I found out I was poz from an earlier test done on April 28th - so those are the 2 dates when I had a test done) This means that in less than a month, from April 28th to May 22nd, I went from positive VL to undetectable, without even starting standard ARV meds. The nurse said that was an unusual finding; however, there are 2 possible reasons (1 very likely, the other much less probable): 1 - The reason I first went to the clinic (on April 28th) was to request PEP medication (post-exposure prophylaxis) as precaution after a doubtful hookup. They gave me a combo of 1 Truvada + 2 Isentress pills per day. While on PEP, I was technically poz - I just didn't know it. But those 24 days of PEP alone may have been enough to get undetectable. Or... 2 - the nurse said I might be one of those rare 'elite controllers' but it's too soon to confirm this conclusion; a new test will tell us more in a week. The bad: - because there wasn't enough detectable virus in the sample from May 22nd, they couldn't get any genotyping done, so I still don't know which meds I can eventually take. - my CD4 count was low (240) but the doctor said I should definitely not worry, as this is just their first data point, plus I did experience a lot of stress and anxiety for 2 months, and it can still increase after I start proper ARV meds. but it's an indication that the infection did have an effect on me. - the waiting game continues. I was a bit confused at the clinic. I managed to ask some questions. But now I have more questions than answers: - was it really Truvada that beat the virus on its own in just 3 weeks? - is this good news? - still no idea what my viral load was when I got diagnosed... - in general, how do they know if a patient is indeed an elite controllers (is it something they can confirm with a test somehow?) I chatted at length with poz1956 on Skype, and he said there are many possible reasons for the oddly fast undetectable result. Perhaps it's a weak strain, and Truvada alone was enough to beat it down. Or he said my body is just fighting the virus well on its own. At this point we truly don't know - including the doctor. I will get news from today's test in about a week via phone call. The expectation is that the viral load will have increased again just a bit (since stopping PEP). If that's the case, the doctor will order genotyping to be done on those samples, and we can finally sort out the meds situation. If it's still undetectable, the waiting game will continue again, since they can't recommend me the right meds without genotyping (and that requires a viral load). In any case, they said I should remain optimistic, and even take this as good news. I just wish I knew exactly why and how it happened. You're right. I dread this moment, but I will need to disclose. We're meeting tomorrow and I will tell him my status (that I'm poz and possibly viral, despite today's odd result). If he goes nuts, at least, I will have a clear conscience, knowing I never put him at risk. If he freaks out and stops talking to me, then it's something I will need to accept. If HIV is a deal-breaker for him, then I can't force him otherwise. I'm still extremely nervous about his reaction.

Hello all, My appointment is in a couple hours. Some of the anxiety is creeping back, but it's not like I will learn anything 'new'. I think I'm just eager to get answers (especially viral load), and get a plan going to knock it down. Today feels bittersweet for me. As if fate wanted to test me, I had the most amazing date with this guy yesterday. We had chatted before on Grindr. Because of what I'm going through, I had no plans to hook up (as I usually would in the past). But he suggested a movie and I figured I could use some company. Turns out, we got along SO well. We really hit it off. We saw the X-Men movie and found out we're both geeky types. Had dinner, took a walk in Downtown Montreal. We could talk about anything and everything. Found out we share the exact same birthday next month. We even held hands (and I was never the type of guy who would do this in public). There was absolutely no sex. So I didn't tell him about my status, and he doesn't know I'm about to spend the next few hours in a clinic. That is the bittersweet part for me. HIV didn't matter yesterday - and that felt good. I was on cloud nine. But as soon as I got home, it hit me. I feel like already, I hid something from him. I don't know when I should tell him. I do realize it's a bit premature to worry about my status. But we're meeting again Friday. It would be a 'take it or leave it' moment, which scares me a lot. I don't know how he would react. Perhaps I should tell him Friday before it gets any further? Or should I wait a bit longer (say, hold off on sex for a couple months until I have a chance to be undetectable)? But first things first, I'm getting ready to leave for my appointment.

I'm not sure how 'active' Vienna is, but here are my usual suggestions for a hookup: - post an ad on Craigslist (both m4m and cas sections) - if you don't have a profile on bbrt, create one today, add your travel dates, and create a party - try to browse local profiles on dudesnude, gay411, a4a, recon, squirt, romeo, etc. - download Grindr, scruff, or hornet - when creating profiles, write specific headlines or descriptions Good luck!

Thanks. I think I said "if/when" due to uncertainty (I hate waiting for results; will feel much better on Wednesday). My doctor is pro-ARV and definitely an ID expert, so starting meds immediately shouldn't be a problem. I just hope it will be one-pill-a-day. I hope they don't find drug resistance.

I'm going to World Pride Toronto, which takes place June 20-29. And where I live, Montreal actually has two events: Divers/Cité July 28-August 3, followed by Pride August 11-17. I don't usually go to the parades or any of the 'main ticket' events. For me, it's more an excuse to get out in the city, walk the street fairs, grab a drink at a patio or hit the clubs (the rare times I will go clubbing). Even if you don't go out, it's a fun time to check things like Grindr - it goes crazy during Pride. Has anyone been to San Francisco Pride? I think it's happening soon.

It seems to be working for everyone. If you can't access it, try clearing your DNS cache.

Thanks for sharing. I'm going through this as well. I keep forgetting that I'm in my 20s and I can do anything I want in the future, so I should simply focus on tomorrow. As you said, stop 'sweating the small stuff'.

If a forum member ever comes up to Montreal, it'd be my pleasure to meet you as well. I wish I had the same luck as poptronic. For what it's worth, I feel much better already. I can sleep again, without sleep pills. I told the news to a few 'pen pals' on Skype, and they were all supportive. I eat better. The next step is to find out if or when I start meds.