Kayne

If you nips stand out and you want the hardware go for it! I know I wish mine did. 

So I had a well written long answer to this question. then… technology. Still approach this in a different way.

To answer the questions Yes I was Raped as a child Especially if one wants to define rape as any Sexual activity with an "adult" before I was 18. (More accurately I can say that I sought out and initiated many of my pre legal encounters when I was a teen), As for whether I seek out men like my abusers? I can't say I truly know.  My Father was my First. He was a Decorated Vietnam Marine Vet. and the few memories I have of him were violence directed toward me born out of jealousy, hate, alcohol abuse and PTSD. I remember both "grooming" behavior and violent rape and beatings.  I remember Being passed around to his NAMBLA buddies, and other vets he served with or winos in the neighborhood. I remember that when he died,  My Godparents took over where left off.  I remember the special school my mom sent me to after my total mental breakdown. I remember the priests, counselors, teachers and dorm staff that could smell it on me even though I never told anyone until I was in my teens. 

I know most people will say that anything before I was 18 wasn't my fault or decision because the law says I couldn't make a decision, but I call bullshit. Turning a magic number doesn't make one mature its just a false sense of it. and by the time I was in double digits I was already a predator, Seeking out Grown Men or My peers, for sex. I sold myself and hung out in places where no 14 year old should be and you can imagine what I did.

If the greater question is was I affected and do I retain/ reenact any of those behaviors, or was I negatively affected. I'll say Hell yeah! Was my psychosocial development royally Fucked? Sure! Who wouldn't be? I spent years being super destructive to myself. I spent years hating myself and my body. I never really got into Chems,  but I fantasized about them. I made choices that endangered my life and others, choices that would have me labeled as antisocial at best and a soulless sociopath at worst. I Gambled and Shopped my way into trouble Exobitionisim had gotten me jailed and fined. Even though I got my "gift" in a hospital cock up, I can accept now that whether It was an active chase or not, I was chasing the dragon. Part of me felt it inevitable, that I had no choice. I will never have kids because, though I want to be a dad and I want sons… I'm terrified of what I might do to them.

Do I get off on even the worst of it now? It sometimes shames, sickens and repulses me to say that I do. I rewrite history to give fantasy me strength, power, authority and agency I didn't have then, and that d0oes not always mean I'm the dominant actor in these recreations. Sometimes the memory of the degradation and powerlessness scratches my itch. 

But I can't say if that is me seeking  out familiar territory. I do know that I have things I value now, people who depend on me and that helps keep my beast on its chain. 

but yeah… there is an affect

I know couple of retired Porn Stars. Two guys that'll if I had myvway would be my "Dads" or big brothers in the brotherhood. Lost Contact with one. Black German dude I think he might have transitioned.

The other "Dad" Left porn and the risk life  got on amends and became a some what promenient activities.

Gotta say ain't qishbI knew more Porn Stars of Color that were more than escorts. im not talking a romantic relationship. but friends/ FWB would be nice

Or we Dont necessarily NEED porn as we have done things far less rehearsed. I suppose its the difference between Watching Sports and Playing Spots 

I don't particularly care about race  zthoughbI do have a thing for origin and ethnicity. 

I am into White Guys. but I find that I am either fully ignored/shunned/ discriminated against ot I am Fetishizied. and reduced to  just my cock or  stereotype bingo. 

I try to flow with and pursue men i am attracted to, and looks are not always the top criteria

9 hours ago, NWUSHorny said:

Guys that are this open and uninhibited do exist, we may be hard to find in some areas, but welcome to the club. It is a lot of fun when you happen across a group of like minded men.

Amen! Preach Brother

I do it because it feels good and I hate condoms,  And While I did it before and has guilt. and stress, and a fair amount of fear and denial and a feeling of "prophecy  fulfillment" helplessness goi g on., Knowing I'm Poz Lets me Fuck N Breed Guilt Free. I avoid playing with "Safe" anything, and I feel great about myself.

It hasn't happened to me in a long time, but... "There's Nothing Better than..." walking into an unexpected gangbang. I truly miss the days when I was oblivious/ innocently taking a piss, on a jog, on a bile, just sitting on a bench or in a Subway car. and BAM! Dicks out, asses up  spit piss and cum flowing like honey. 

Conversely, there is nothing better than being a teenager (legal age of consent of course...) sneaking  the shower of a men's shelter to fuck or being in the Locker Rooms / Sauna Steam room / Shower of a YMCA - or  Men Only Gym. and the fun that can happen there

 Oh Man When I was so much younger before smart phones, social media grinds and Gay assimilation (late 80's- 2001) I loved public and risky sex.  Even with panic about the gift. I Fucked and sucked, bred and was bred by so many men during my teens and early 20's! I've Lived in NYC my whole life so,  Ft Trion Park, The Ramble, The Harlem.Meer,  Rooftops, Staten Islanders amends room on and off ship Prospect Park, Various Subway Trains, Tunnels, Men's Rooms and  platforms, Men's Rooms in Old. its Buildings or.office Buildings when I worked as a bike messenger.inside hotel men's rooms, Elevators. between parked.cars on city streets  in restnstops and truck stops.and on bridges or river side parks...

I have been caught hundreds of times I've been caught and FUCKED by cops and Parks officials and security guards.. somenundercover some in uniforms... tbose.were the best!  But, I have also been caught an fined and twice I've even been arrested and spent.l nights in lock up. Those were the worst. no behind bars sex fantasies. Community service road work and forced volunteerism sucks. Once My Mom had to go to court with me. I've lost jobs. qim lucky no families with brats were around/ involved. Being on a S.O registry would ruin my life. I miss walking around Dark alleys and other places with my dick out. I even once deep throated a guy in a Synagogue Doorway. I miss all that. I dont play like that as much because everything has changed so much, and I really can't afford the consequences getting caught would bring.  My jobs have had high trust and morality situations. and I can't lose the ability to care for my mom,now that she needs so much care. 

But those were the days. 

2 minutes ago, Eunuchus said:

I have the regular biohazard symbol tatt here, it gets  lot of attention 🙂

bet it does. 

 My Dad broke me in. Was underage. went on till he passed on. 

saw a black porn star with one on his dick when I was a teen. always wanted one there but feel like my dick is too small as I grow, not show, but I'd love A scorpion biohaz tat or a dragon biohaz tat

Sure do, though Swallowing does have its downsides... like being a laxative I can also taste the ARV's in it. Sorta miss my Teen Cum when I was thin and flexible to suck myself off

I get it. some dudes can't nut from Anal alone. Some dudes have been corrupted by porn and the so-called "money" shot.

I know that for the lo gest time I couldn't stand the taste of cum and much preferred getting my my face covered in warm jizz  that smelled faintly of Jizz. 

I still liked being jizzed on but I much prefer it while I'm in the middle of a group, balls deep in some cumdump.  pref. a previously filled one

I would say my disclosure is situational

In blackout/Park/Anon scenes... No

On Hookup sites  I'll make illusions to it or say "I don't care"

If im talking to someone I wanna breed or I think is a chaser, yeah. As much a mays I wanna be THAT guy, I'm not. So, mostly I'm Upfront about it.

If my medical incident wasn't how got my gift, It likely came from Topping. but I gotta say hearing a dude growl in my ear,  telling me he's knocking me up is a turn on.

I remember being a kid and sitting on my Grandpa's lap awhile he smoked a pipe and drank Demitasse and fed me cannot. I don't remember his face, but I Do remember the hazy grayish blue smoke that surrounded his face. I was about 2 or 3. 

That began my obsession with smoking. 

Now I grew up in a family of smokers Parents Grands, Uncles,  Aunts their friends, ect. Cigarettes mostly, but itnwas understood that even as I was often sent to but cigarettes for the Adults, Smoking would be punished severely.  Besides Some, as a kid inhad chronic Bronchitis. So, even though I experimented  ( i tried a ew times) it never caught on and I never really learned how. And when I saw the damage smoking did to people's.voices, I avoided smoking because I wanted to be an important singer.  I never really liked cigarettes.anyway

Cigars.and pipes on the other hand often got me hard and anytime there was porn with a guy in leather smokng one I got hot. 

Fast-forward to me Now In my 40's learning to love smoking Stories and finding how Hot it makes.other pigs seeing me smoke them. Besides I'm " Gifted" Nkw... so  who gives a fuck?

Being Black and living in the ghetto, its a male assumption since every dude is trying to project Hardcore thug energy. Show any softness and you're a target. Being able to Fight and unafraid to do do will change perceptions, but if you show anything other than sheer physical prowess, its a foregone conclusion.

Also The heavier you are, the more likely you're simply assumed to be. Being called a "Faggot" whether you are or not is just gateway to a fight.

That being sald, I've never been able to hide. And I've always been able to identify my "Kin" Still, I've not found many willing to call it out, unless they want to get a foot buried deep where the sun rarely shines.

But when your Pop smashes your Cherry,  Orher Wolves seem to smell it on you. 

I have been, and would like to think  I still am one adventurous fuck. But, I notice that with age ( at least in my experience) comes a certain reticence to do anything that will cause trouble. I've been arrested and or dines a few times for public fucking. No one wants to be branded a " Sex Offender" just because you were getting a nut with another consenting adult in an entertaining place. 

I remember that being younger than would be permissible to speak of, I was bold and deliberate about approaching older dudes for sex. and surprised at the number of times I got exactly what I wanted. in any respect. 

Being in NYC I think 9/11 Was the beginning of the end for great Anon encounters. Soon many of my favorite hunting grounds were beefed up and fortified with restrictions, closures, security and surveillance.  I lost more of my Trashy Haunts to construction and gentrification.  and still more to technology, like smartphones and dating apps. I think the biggest loss in spontaneous, recklrss exhibitionism or adventureisim  has to be due to the homoginization of Gay/Queer Culture into mainstream society though.  To a certain degree, being "accepted" in polite society has meant that the culturally hot and heavy things once done to set our encounters apart from "nuclear-breeder-society" aren't things gayd frown upon the wait straights do.

Also, my position in life has changed and beingbsomeone's fulltime caregiver means an overall reduction in risk... and so does being "gifted" sadly.

with all that said. I miss the Beast I was as a lad. I miss hanging out at men's shelters or being double fucked on city rooftops. I miss pissing cum down hungry throats on Subway platforms and 10 guy circlejerks on late-night city trains. I miss fuckingbin churches or picking up random strangers and rating a musky shit hole,  I miss blackout backroom bars where raw is law. and you don't leave until well after the sun is up. 

I miss it all

6 hours ago, Johnjohn said:

If you are going to wear a jock either as regular underwear or at the gym they must never see the inside of a washing machine. They should absorb all the musk, sex smell, sweat, piss and cum stains that come out of a man's body. I've got several jocks that I wear on an occasional basis that I have had for years and have never been washed. I keep them in bags to make sure the stink doesn't escape. I used to belong to Jockstrap Locker Room too and I met a local guy with whom I used to swap jocks, wear them for a few months and then send them back. It was so fuckin hot having another man's stink mixing with mine.

This is my personal religion! I feel the same way about football jerseys!

I have several baggied jocks my damn self!

I can't say that I remember the first time I tasted Cum. My Old man had me Drinking Piss and cum from an early age. I do know that I used to LOVEhaving cum sprayed on my face. I didn't begin to acquire a taste for cum until my early 20's.

Inhad along Distance relationship with a US Navy man. We used to cam. when We came we used to sat our cum prete di g it was each other's.

I stopped spitting when this guy I was Blowing in a park literally held my head to his groin a d pumped his spank down my throat.  I remember he laughed saying A cocksucker should never spit out a meal he worked for. It ki da flicked a switch for me.

I dint like cold cum tho. can't bring myself to drink from discarded condoms. but the best lube is another man's Sperm a d i use it whenever I can.

That was really damn good I hope you will continue/ Finish

I fucking LOVE Jocks. and when I'm.not fireballin... im wearing a Jock. black or white, Pref. Bike or similar. the mesh stretchy type.  Not into designer ones and I have som in zip lock bags work for up to 6 months of sweat/piss/ cum in them.

The stronger they smell the harder i am 

...I was born...

But no, Seriously, my old man groomer/ trained me starting at 3. he died a fewvyearsxalter but there were others that "Stepped in" wasn't until.mynlate teens/ early 20's that I "acquired" the taste/ Need for cum.  and I learned to give as good as I get. 

5 hours ago, Kylerd3 said:

Thanks for confirming what I thought. I guess I'm ruining the atomosphere by pointing stuff out and questioning- might even get be booted.  It just some stuff is goofy and I couldn't help myself

You are free to believe or disbelieve whatever you like. Some people are standing in their truth. some are standing in how they wish things were. 

I can talk about what I experienced unashamed because I know who I am  I don't need to seek approval, and my experiences are what they are. I doesn't hurt that the authorities didn't believe me.  so I am used to it. 

19 hours ago, Michelinpanties said:

Wish i could take the pledge but i am not a bug chaser. So as long as they are clean im more than happy to fuck bareback. Un clean i walk away . 

There is a way I truly want to say this, but I will likely catch a Ban for it. So I'm going to phrase it differently.

There are people whom It would not bother me in the least to know that they got the gift.  Your ignorance makes you one of them.

And I have enough boxes, bows and wrapping paper.