hntnhole

 "I will continue moving on with my life, not to run away from the pain or anything, but because life is too short to stand and wait for maybes." 

Perfectly said.  

"So my biggest worry"  seems the "quote" doo-dad is taking the afternoon off ..... 

One easy way to clear that air is to simply ask them if they have time to talk now.  If they don't maybe they'll call you back when they do.  I wouldn't worry about it - everyone gets busy sometimes.  

Are you doing any of the Bach Inventions yet?

"It’s just using sounds like “Na” and “La” ........ (apparently the "quote" doo-dad is taking the day off ......)

Try replacing a voiced consonant with a percussive one, like Ta or Ka.  It's easier to get your throat muscles to "remember" something exact, rather than something inexact. There's a reason some singers form the particularly bad habit of "scooping" to the correct pitch.  That might be ok for B-grade Hollywood movies, but - - - 

Once the throat muscles get accustomed to "knowing" that position, see if the switcheroo to voiced consonants gets easier.  

23 hours ago, scarnick said:

I have always  said that the way to get me do something is to tell me not to do it

HAHAHAHA ........ I'd completely forgotten this, but when I was a little kid, my parents always told me to do the opposite of what they actually wanted me to do.  Worse, it always worked.  

I don't recall though, when I "woke up" to the con, and began doing exactly what they wanted instead of what they said  - just to spite them.  

"And that, I think, is a good start". 

Agreed, within certain parameters. 

I'm assuming that the "discourse" you allude to is with someone you feel is a "friend", to some degree or another.  Someone you like (at least somewhat), and respect (same qualifier).  When those are the "default" positions - most likely mutual - there's every chance that neither person (m or f) would want to purposely disrespect the other, and thus keep the tone of the conversation within certain "non-challenging" parameters.  This assumes, of course, a pre-existing sense of friendship, respect, each for the other. 

In that kind of trusting situation, what the other person has to say is important, and received with the aforementioned sense of trust in mind.  Even criticism for x or y or z can be considered within the framework of non-judgementalism.  While some folks are not disposed to this kind of sharing relationship, I'll bet 10-to-1 that you are.  

Thus, the "trick" is to parry conversations that may prove distasteful, and engage seriously only those you trust - and who trust you.  Now, I know you wouldn't be engaging in this kind of sharing with just anyone you happened to meet - who would?  It would be someone you already trusted to be decent, honest, and couch any potential critical statements as carefully as they're able.  

However - "if their logic doesn’t hold up against my own values" - then your friend can still remain one of your friends, but there's simply a depth of that friendship that will not be plumbed.  And, that's alright.  We don't need all that many "real" friends, but we do need a few.  Like you, I generally don't engage in these kinds of discussions until I really know someone, and for the same reasons. 

Combine that with a disinclination to accept poorly-thought out, poorly conceived blathering with little respect, and we wind up being refreshed, validated in our sense of self, our sense of purpose, and our sense of determination to be the man that we aspire to be.  

Thanks for that most interesting post.  

Interesting post.   

Some folks have no problem whatsoever reaching inside themselves, flipping on the "Mr/Ms personality" switch, and making stuff like you described work well for them.  Then, there are others who couldn't do that on a bet.  Most of us are a mix of the two, but it's an interesting set-up to at least offer the potential.  

There can always be pleasant surprises - like the "hinge" you discovered.  That said, it's just fine that it's a one&done thing too.  

"Because showing up

matters".

Well said.  It's the first step to any constructive engagement;  if we don't bother to show up, who's to blame when nothing gets done?

"that my legacy is big enough"

As long as you treat others the way you'd like to be treated, extend empathy towards those less able than you, refrain from negative acts, and remain unaffected by negativities in others, they'll remember you.  Maybe not to the extent you imagine, maybe not in the way you imagine, but they'll remember with a smile, a moment's pause. 

What more can one ask?  

"The military suppresses those things"

Before I got to the above sentence, I thought to myself  "what on EARTH kind of mistake is he about to make???" 

But, thank Whatever, you righted the course, centered yourself again, and smelled that particular weasel in the woodwork.  

Men who think for themselves are exactly the kind of men that no military on earth is interested in.  They're only interested in men who will do what they're told, how they're told, when they're told.  There's no way to know of course, but I wonder how many men with an intellectual - even cerebral bent - have been sacrificed to the bloodlust of various militaries the world over.  Those folks are only interested in Yessir.  Whatever you say, sir.  

I'm not denigrating those who do sign up.  Being human beings, we seem to need to have the ability to kill competitors on a massive scale, and that has been the case since we crawled out of the caves.  To the victor go the spoils.  That kind of power though, can corrupt a mans mind beyond recall.  

I'm truly relieved your humanity rescued you from that debacle.  The world needs more peacemakers, and fewer war-makers.  

That's one of the great pleasures in the fuckjoints .... and if one is blessed with a particularly thick Cock, one of the easiest too.  The aural rewards go without saying - that squishing sound reporting the tempo of the fuck is like sweet, lovely music.  But that's just the beginning of the pleasure.  If a bottom has been taking loads for any appreciable amount of time, even a modestly-thick Cock can suction out bits of that beautiful cumsoup with each thrust - guys surrounding the two active men can lean in - lick, lap at both the Hole and the Cock, savoring that magical mix, thus pouring gas on the fires of their own lust.  

Putting my mouth on a well-bred Hole, tasting the Sperm of previous men - mixed with the taste of Hole -  just drives me nuts.  

Interesting twist to your narrative.  

At some point, every single one of us is replaced, one way or the other.  More, only those we interacted with along the way will remember us, which makes doing what we can to make things easier for the newer folks the important thing.  

I think that virtually everyone who shines at x activity eventually becomes outshined by someone else; newer, fresher, maybe even brighter.  But that doesn't negate what we have contributed, they only build on what we, ourselves, have accomplished. 

Maybe the new guy actually will outshine you one day, but that's ancillary to what you're contributing now.  You already know what you've accomplished, and that's what really matters.

7 hours ago, BlindRawFucker1 said:

I prefer to call myself realistic

It's far preferable to eternal (if unrealistic) optimism .... or constant expectation of the worst, which only sours our humanity.  

"I like being realistic, being grounded."

I too think that's the best path - at least for me - as well.  

Being open to what the future brings is being a realist:  prepared to accept or do what's required to either accept or alter what we're experiencing/about to experience.  

I call it realism:  facing whatever the current situation is on any particular front without any stardust in my eyes, without any judgementalism clouding my mind.  What is, is.  The think that counts is, how we handle it first within ourselves, and then in how we transmit the situation - our m.o*. -  with others.  

*'method of operation" - (just in case) ..... 

“I was here for a moment, and then I was gone.”

Which is the fact for all of us.  Thus, it's what we do with what we have in that moment* that's important.  It only becomes glaringly obvious as we age, and the leaving is closer than the coming.  I don't have many regrets, but the few I do hold could have been ameliorated early, had I only known then what I know now. 

Thanks for the pleasure of experiencing your journey, even this limited way.  You've a generous spirit, Philip.  

*in this context, I'm using that word to connote a very short time, a very long time, and anything in-between.  Life is a series of moments, regardless of actual time. 

"on a bridge built by Sean and Phong"

 Interesting metaphor - bridges - but didn't you help build that bridge too?  Aren't you a participant - as well as a voyeur?

"I can leave the hurt where it belongs."

That's the goal, of course, and I hope with all my heart that it happens for you. 

Be prepared, however, for an occasional, sudden re-emergence of grief.  It's not a "one-n-done" thing.  It hides, lingers in the hidden recesses of the mind, and sometimes it'll jump out and kick you in the balls.  The passage of decades can diminish it's power, but I don't believe anyone with a modicum of humanity can completely dismiss grief.  

It's sort of like an old chair that we can't bring ourselves to toss out; it's uncomfortable, it's ugly, worn, even threadbare, and we cover it up with a nice "throw" or something, but there is it, just waiting for us to weaken and plop down in it.  The positive thing though, is that we can learn to control how often we sit there, and make those visits fewer over the years.  

I hope you can eventually ditch your old chair - toss it out for good.  I haven't, but at least it's in a disused room now, and covered with other old stuff that only weighs me down now.  One of these years ..... 

 "I wondered if this was cheating"

Wellllllllll ...... not if the recipient(s) are aware of what they're reading*.  In the event they're not, maybe they won't notice any difference - maybe there isn't any - when "real" Philip appears, in-the-flesh.  As PozBearWI points out above, what's important is that every participant (2, 10, whatever) gets the genuine guy**.  As long as that happens, real, fantastic "connection" is available to any/every guy in the writhing clot of bodies. 

*AI is a fascinating - well, "thing" - and it can improve all kinds of interactions immensely.  But it's inanimate, and people aren't.  It may seem/appear to be "animate", particularly when the actual people haven't met (in-the-flesh) yet.  I very much hope you give us a description of how the day unfolded - not necessarily the sex part - but more if/how the actual, in-the-flesh meeting was, your impressions of any match/mismatch of the AI persona with reality.  

**What I'm unclear about is, how much (in the recipient's mind) is AI and how much is the actual person.  I realize that AI can help us understand ourselves, improve ourselves, all of that, but it that result permanent?  Do we revert to what we were before we used AI, if we stopped using it?  Or can the subtle alterations become permanent in our minds?  Or even should they .... 

" I want to carry that forward, to teach others with the same care and curiosity he showed us." 

I would say that you're already on that path, whether you know it or not.  By sharing some of the facets of your life, you're inviting others to consider those issues you've discussed (or invited discussion, which is aka 'teaching') and make relevant in their own lives. 

One + one = two:  that's "teaching".  Describing some situation in your own life, how you resolved it or how you're wrestling with that issue, is inviting others to consider the same issues in their own lives, and in the same way. 

It's like some required "nuts-n-bolts" coursework versus coursework that challenges not only the facts, but why they're facts, and more cerebral subjects you're already good at.  Maybe you're not a degreed "teacher" yet, but you're already well on your way to being a wise man capable of gently offering others a different way of thinking.   

It's a fascinating - well, "thing"? .... 

Obviously I haven't tried it, don't know the first thing about it, but that doesn't mean I'm uninterested in how it works.  

Pleased you gave that dish to a real friend .... 

 "life now is just one person—me"

That happens in every relationship, one way or another.  There are variables, of course, i.e. how long the relationship lasts, how successful it is/was, etc, etc.  It seems the success of the rest of our lives depends on how much we need that ineffable sense of "connection" that's available when we interact on a number of levels with our peers.  Or, don't.  

I was fortunate, in that I had just over 30 years with my "other half", and for that I'm grateful.  But whether it's a series of relationships, or just one for a number of years, or none at all for the truly resilient guys, the resulting sense of balance, sense of well-being, accomplishment remains. All we need to do is figure out how to access it.  

I'm sorry to know that there are some rocky shoals present in your relationship.  That happens periodically in most relationships, but generally not those of a couple of years together.  

I'm trying to remember the first two years of the relationship with my life-partner.  I don't think we'd moved in together yet.  That happened when we realized that we were both maintaining apartments, with the same stuff in each one, and it wasn't all that easy for me to merge my life with his completely, and vice versa.  I do remember we had a good laugh about living together, and then stopped laughing and fucked like whores.  One thing that helped was, we'd have an occasional "time-out", when one or both of us could describe any issues, and the agreement was that no ill will would be permitted.  That helped, in that it was a planned "thing", whenever one of us needed to express whatever it was. 

I think he was less interested in living together, concerned that I might not like what a sexual pig he was - the dummy - I was deeper in the pigpen then he was.  But when we first met, we were both having sex with some other guy.  The point is, being flexible enough to accommodate at least some of the other guy's needs is essential, but you already know that.  So our relationship regarding sex was relatively open from the get-go.  If your relationship with K. isn't/wasn't (I'm not putting it in the past tense quite yet), quite as laid out, defined, whatever, then maybe there's a chance to rebuild. 

Obviously, I don't know either of you, but I hope that at least some chance remains for a reconciliation.  

It seems there are all kinds of ways to exude "grace", now that I think about it.  

There's grace of movement, of course. There's a grace of putting thoughts to words too, and grace of forgiving others even if they're not aware of their grace-lessness.  One form that you've clearly conquered is graceful use of the printed word, which would require a level of grace in your thought-processes as well. 

It's a pleasure to read, interpret, consider, reflect on your use of the written word.  

I wonder if our current definition of that word has been (at least somewhat) co-opted by Organized Religion - repeated by the faithful weekly - to the point it's effectiveness has been watered down to almost meaningless status.  

"...but about faith in the process, faith in myself ..." 

Well said.  

"Sometimes, I feel like I’m not good at this whole relationship thing. I doubt myself constantly. I think about how I’m supposed to be supportive, kind, and gentle, and lately, I don’t feel like I’m living up to any of those things."

Phillip, the fact that you're even aware of these issues proves that you're "living up" to these issues.  No one is born a "finished product".  All of us have issues with this or that we need to work on.  That's one of the foundational attributes of living; we get to reflect, alter course when appropriate, share our lives with another man (or men, depending on one's particular bent).  Unless you were born in the Levant about 2K years ago (or fill in the blanks for any revered historical figure) you're already farther along in recognizing the questions than some ever realize.  

You don't need to be mesmerized by your other half's drawing; all you need to do is not be critical, and my guess is you're being more supportive that most of us would be.  Giving him time/space is great.  Taking time/space for your own interests is too.  Relationships are essentially about giving, not taking.  Humans need companionship on as deep a level as they can handle, a sense of sharing, giving love, receiving it, and everything else in-between.  

"I know it’s awful to say, but I feel like I can learn much faster on my own"  No, it isn't awful to feel that way, nor to express it.  The fact is, it's how you feel, and that's enough.  There might be some functions he's able to accomplish better than you; so what?  Each of you is an individual, and also a part of something together.  You don't have to tear yourself up about being able to learn faster on your own.  You only need to be patient enough with him to explain that kindly.  You're not his nanny - you're his partner.  There's a difference.  

"I keep asking myself if I’m doing enough, if I’m being the partner I should be."  I think that all successful couples that have a few years under their respective belts experience feelings like that.  'Am I suffocating him?" - "Is he suffocating me"? - on and on.  That's a good thing to experience, since it offers us a chance to take an updated measure of how our lives are unfolding.  Some relationships last for decades, some don't.  There's no right or wrong answer, there's only the answer that right for you and him.  I hope your relationship matures into a magnificent pairing of soul-mates, as well as all the rest.  If that's not in the cards, then I hope each of you finds what you truly need to maintain your balance for the duration.  But bear in mind that no guy is 100% perfect - all of us need to 'make room' for our lover/partner(s).  Having the depth of character to want to "do it right" is remarkable, in and of itself.  I wonder how many guys on this site possess the same.  

"The hardest part is figuring out where these expectations come from. Are they mine, or are they ideas I’ve absorbed from the world around me?"  As far as I can discern, they come from a constantly questioning mind.  That mind appears to always be seeking a more productive way to get concrete answers, when sometimes there are none.  We have to do the best we're able, as we're given the resources to discern that "best", and you've got a trunk-full of resources.  

It's a magnificent facet of our existence that we have the ability to question ourselves, and - when potential answers warrant - make alterations to our perceptions.  That said, no one (in this plane of existence anyway) reaches 100% of their potential.  There's always room for improvement.  That's the cool thing about humanity; there's always room for improvement, when we indulge in enough introspection to realize that fact.  It's good that you make all the efforts, but realize that perfection simply is a bridge to far in this plane of existence.  When you're twice as old as whatever your age is, you'll still feel like there's more to make of your life.  How's that for a fantastic reason to get up in the morning?  

Thanks for starting this interesting facet of BZ; I hadn't known it was available.