Low Self Esteem

[seriusuk]

Are bottoms with low self esteem more likely to agree to bareback sex?

[einathens]

i think there's a judgment implicit in your question, so I'm gonna say no.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

I am with einathens on this.. Expanding, bottoms with low self esteem are IMO more likely to just not fuck.

[drscorpio]

People with low self-esteem are more likely to not stand up for themselves. If you are asking "are bottoms with low self-esteem more likely to agree to bareback sex when they really wanted to use protection?" then that answer is likely "yes" for only that reason.

 

There are plenty of bottoms like me who will only have sex bareback and who always want the load. It doesn't take any talking us into it. Don't assume that guys who take loads aren't just as into it as the guys who breed them. For me, the fact that it is risky adds to the turn on. 

[slowfuck]

I seem to recall reading some report offering the opinion that low self esteem was a factor in bareback sex choices but there are an vast range of influences that affect the decision, and it isn't limited to bottoms. One could ask are climbers with low self-esteem more likely to engage in risky climbs? One could equally ask would someone with low self esteem risk the disapproval of their peers and clinic doctors by engaging in bareback sex? Generalisations tend to be employed by people to prove a particular viewpoint but that doesn't make them right or wrong, only believed by those who share the belief. It's a way to rationalise a behaviour but it's pretty much never that simple.

[bttmsubslut]

i have low self esteem, which is good for a worthless cumdump. Men have confidence. i'm here to serve them

[Locomotion]

My decision to bareback and to live a more slutty life has nothing to do with my self esteem.  I have always felt that I have reasonably balanced view of the world and myself.  However, the part of my life that has been my sexual component, has not kept pace with how my thinking and actions have evolved in other areas.  

 

No doubt, there are some folks who practice barebacking who are of lower self esteem.....but I have not run into that many...tops or bottoms.  

[LKMike]

Interesting question. i am sure there are people here whose self esteem has nothing to do with their decision to bb, but for some its a large part of the reason they bb. i am not really attracted to men. i was sexually active with an adult at the age of 9. i knew that not all other boys were not doing what i was doing. as i got older i though i had "fuck me" written on my forehead in special ink. Anyone interested in kids just knew i was available. i could see who they were as easily as they could see me, and i knew that as soon as the opportunity arose, they would take it and i would be having sex with them. i had a mother who always criticized me, and knew her friend had initiated a sexual relationship with me, and only made pointed remarks to me as a child hinting that it was my fault it was happening. As you may guess, i have low self esteem! When my life recently spiraled out of control, i ended up having sex with an older male who took me to an afternoon party, where i tried to  not get bred and ended up by taking at least 12 loads. From that point i just expected to be bred, not really my decision if the sex is bb or not. As i have gotten my life back under control, i have stopped PrEP ( i was going to get pozed if i hadn't got on it) and am more in control of my life and who gets to put their bodily fluids into me.

[eightndeep]

gosh people are quick to take offense! 

I am not a sex professional, or a therapist.  But my answer would be 'yes'.  

One of the worst insults from one Jewish person to another, is to call someone a "self-hating Jew."  

CLEARLY there are a LOT of us self-hating homosexuals. I say 'us' because I was raised trying not to be gay.  I went to a psychiatrist at age ~15 who tried to convert me to straight.  Now age 53 I have been w my partner 30 years.  Out my whole adult life. And we share a 41yo boy for seven years now.  Have everything I could want. But absolutely no doubt those feelings of low self esteem persist.  I would argue this is true for the vast, vast majority of gay men.  

 

Society is still FULL of messages that we are bad and inferior. 

Of COURSE our low self esteem over our sexual preferences manifests itself in practicing our sexual preferences!

This is not to say bareback sex doesnt mean many other things - Freedom.  Power to control our own destiny!  Love between men. Spirituality. Connection. Defiance. A celebration of life itself!  But it also for many men no doubt it comes from a place of low self esteem. "I deserve to be used."  "I deserve to get HIV." "I need to be filled to feel complete." "I am evil, might as well join the forces of darkness" 

 

Our internalized self hate and society's negative attitudes towards us manifests themselves in low self esteem and sometime self-destructive behaviors.  So?  People buy fancy cars because of low self esteem. They have kids because of low self esteem. Gambling.  Overeating. What's the point of asking if some bareback sex can be traced to low self esteem?  Maybe to recognize how much we internalize the hate into self hate?  

 

I think einathans original response "You sound judgmental SO NO" is very intolerant.  Gays who scorn gays who bareback.  Gays who scorn gays who choose hetero-normative lives.  Gays who scorn gays for having HIV. Gays who ask questions we don't like and dare to ask?!  UGH!!!!!  Yes some gays feel low self esteem and self hate, and want to experience love love love. And bareback sex feels like love.  Often bareback is love.  Jeesh. 

 

 

 

(On an edited note I'd like to add that I wrote "might as well join *5atan" and when I published the piece it came up with 'Sarah Palin" instead.  So HAHAH to whomever made that happen." But c'mon she'd give *5atan a bad name. )

Edited April 13, 2016 by eightndeep

[Guest BBBoyfromTN]

I guess as a teen in high school I had very low self esteem...body image and looks...and that was when I first got sexually active (15). I would let pretty much any guy fuck me. My self esteem got better once a particular guy realized that and started working with me on it. It's funny now when I hook up with a bottom as I see my old self in them and realize a lot of that comes from low self esteem.

[einathens]

I'd forgotten all about this thread. I stand by my original opinion, that it's a push poll, a judgment-based question loaded so as to elicit a pre-determined answer.  

it's like asking if tops go bare because of their inflated egos and exaggerated self-worth.

[Toon]

I think you're on to something. I write a lot of bug-chasing fiction -- and I write it with my own personality in the bottom role,  and my self-esteem has been really low lately. I guess you could be right, but I'm a special case. Some chasers are just after a specific goal. I've learned from the chat room that many of them are brash and confident. There are men in our community who just know what they want,

[punaman]

has nothing to do with my self-esteem. I started out having raw sex, loved it, then the AIDS 80's and had to wear condoms or be monogamous. I chose monogomy with an occasional blow job or two. Self esteem stayed the same throughout. Partner died after 30 years, not from AIDS and I hit the trail again and all were BB/Raw, self esteem still high don't like condoms. Now I'm with a POZ undetectable guy who fucks me every other day or so and I'm loving it. Self esteem even higher.
So I say no.

 

[tallslenderguy]

On 4/25/2015 at 3:13 PM, seriusuk said:

Are bottoms with low self esteem more likely to agree to bareback sex?

I would say sure, there are some where there is a correlation, but would not equate that with a generalized cause and effect.  I think it's a valid question though.  Maybe even go a step further: "is self esteem enough for anyone?"  I.e., people are social and we need each other. At what point does need become an aberration?  Gays represent a social group/culture that has had to question and challenge the norm in order to exist, so barebacking could also be an expression of high self esteem?

I am guessing you are implying the risk of HIV?  Back before antibiotics, diseases like syphilis and gonorrhea were an issue for anyone (straight or gay). Was it low self esteem for them to engage in bare, non-monogamous sex or was it just going along with ones sex drive?  And, even though the risk is less, there is still risk to a top for catching HIV, so we could also ask: "are tops with low self esteem more likely to agree to bareback sex?" Then there's the fact that HIV, syphilis and gonorrhea all have treatments now, it's no longer a devastating thing. 

I find the whole  gay drive, bottom or top, to be fascinating. Evolutionary theory sums up the straight sex drive to survival of the species, which doesn't work for gays in either position. Unless we start considering other factors of survival, like pleasure, connectedness, etc..

[Guest jogupo754]

Here's another related question...does someone's environment effect their self esteem? What about their quality of life? It's much more complicated than a leads to b here.

Someone might have low self esteem because they feel their circumstances have held them back from achieving what they wanted to in life. As a result they might suffer from suicidal ideation which could cause them to entertain self harm in a variety of forms most commonly drugs and alcohol.

Not all suicidal people actively attempt suicide (i.e. shooting themselves) some are what I call passively suicidal meaning they do things they know will take years off their lives subconsciously aware that is what they are doing but not always consciously aware. I have a friend where I live for instance who is an insulin dependent diabetic and he refuses he insulin to end his life quicker and does it deliberately.