Is there something wrong with me?

[Guest bbrvaguy]

So I am 39 and in a m/m relationship for 12 years now. Partner is older, not that sexual and VERY vanilla.  I was a pig before I met him including BB and other kinks.  I have always loved BB’ing, but now it’s also bug chasing, std’s, and other twisted desires.  Since we have been together, I’ve kept the pig in check... porn, phone/cyber, but nothing physical with someone.

In the past 2 years it’s getting harder keeping my true desires hidden.  I’ve been on apps, sites, and now BZ, but again nothing physical yet.  

Do I tell my partner and end it?  Do I just end it?  Do I act out on my desires and not worry?  I am happy and love him and don’t want to end it... and to be honest, part of me gets turned on knowing he and I could be hanging or out on a date and I’ve got another mans seed in me or getting ganged while he’s out.

So yeah... not sure if there’s something really fucked up with me?  Am I just evil?

Anyone else out there in a situation like this?

New here... opinions? advice?

[Guest CreamedHole]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you to have desires, even if are of a different nature than your partner's. 

Equally, nobody should give you advice as what to do (because no-one is in your shoes). It is your decision to make.

You know your partner well. How would he react? Would the news break his heart? Would the news lead to a breakup? How would you feel if a breakup is contemplated? 

I was married to a woman for 6 years, during which period I slept with men (protected sex). One day I got tired of playing the angelic husband and I confessed to her what I did. The result was separation, followed by divorce. We currently don't know each other. 

This is my personal experience. 

[analluv27]

  First I commend you for not straying in all this time, which in all truth is better than I could do. 
  12  years is a long time together and even though he’s rather “vanilla” perhaps trying talking to him to see if some kind of compromise can be made. After all he might surprise you.

 Does he know of your past?  If he does he might be understanding. Since you love him my advice is try to work things out

[BootmanLA]

Lots of questions to unpack there. So let's deal with them separately.

First, dispense with the "something really fucked up with me" or "evil" ideas. Those are value judgments and, unless you're violating someone's consent or otherwise putting that person at risk, they're useless terms.

The question you don't ask here is "Can I keep my desires in check and not act on them?" Only you can answer that. That isn't to say you MUST keep them in check; but your partner is operating under the assumption, presumably, that you have no such desires. So, IF you can't keep them in check - or even if you're not sure you can do so - then you owe it to your partner to tell him. (If you were sure you could keep them in check, though, I don't think you'd be asking for advice, so I'm going to assume you figure you'll eventually give in to the dark side.)

That doesn't mean you tell him you're going to do X or Y. You tell him you have these feelings, you've had them a while, and you do not want to put him at risk, nor do you want to hurt him, but you recognize it's not fair to him to not know what's up, and ask him what he wants. Tell him you're not acting on anything in the interim, but y'all need to talk about the status of your relationship.

He may insist on your foregoing those desires as the price of staying with him. He may reject the idea of staying together outright anyway. But he may come to decide that he'd rather remain in the relationship (even on a non-sexual basis) with you able to indulge certain things on the outside. He may want to know about them; he may prefer not to know. He may insist that if you're going to do it, you go on PrEP, so that you don't end up with a lifetime of treatment costs ahead of you (that may impinge on your ability to financially plan the future). 

I'm not saying that's likely -  but then  I don't know you or your partner or what your relationship's like. But it seems to me like part of you wants to keep him, if possible, as your partner. And if that's the case, breaking it off pre-emptively is a bad idea. Give him the chance to weigh in on how you might be able to make it work. If he breaks it off because he can't handle that, you're no worse off than if you ended it on your own.

[drscorpio]

Yeah, talk to your man. I wouldn't recommend dumping the whole bug-chasing and whatnot on him. Tell him you aren't sexually satisfied. Maybe you can find an accommodation. 

[Guest bbrvaguy]

@creambum

 

Thanks for your words and sharing your experience.  Kudos for being honest with your ex.  
 

If/when I tell him, he would not be understanding.  From knowing him all these years... he is not an open relationship type guy. So if I decide to act out... it would lead to the relationship ending or me doing so and keeping it from him.

 

@analluv27

Thanks for responding... staying monogamous has not been easy.  Though physically I may not have strayed, I have in other ways.

He knows I’ve been into fucking and bb before he and I met... but not chasing or other kinks.

@BootmanLA

Thanks for the advice man.  I don’t think I could do anything without talking with him first.  Pretty confident that would lead to us separating... but as you mentioned... he would deserve to have the facts and allow him to decide.

@drscorpio

Thanks for replying.  Yeah if I decide I can no longer control this pig... I would tell him that sexually I’m not fully satisfied and let the chips fall as they will.  I would definitely not mention the chasing or any kink... but either way I believe the outcome will be the same.

[leatherpunk16]

I notice that no one has so far mentioned the other possibility, the other outcome of telling a partner about hidden desires. He may be totally okay with it, and actually have those interests as well that he is keeping from YOU. It sounds like an unlikely possibility, but not impossible. Wouldn't that fix everything? 

There's also the other extreme: "Let me do ______ so I can be happy, or we're done." That's not designed to have a positive outcome, no matter what goes in the blank. Don't put him in that position, and likewise, do not let him put you in this position. 

From what you've told us, I don't think it will go that far, either, because you immediately expressed concern for your partner. Do let us know what happens, or if you need support in whatever you decide.

[kinkysuBB]

If you’ve had these thoughts a while, they are not going to go away by themselves. You need to deal with them, one way or the other. So you either decide to put them away the sake of your relationship, in which case you may benefit from some professional help in doing so (these are deep, primal urges), or you decide you need to change the current state of your relationship.

If you’ve had a monogamous relationship for 12 years, and you now decide you want to change this, then he deserves to know, and he deserves to know why. You owe him that.

I suspect it won’t be an easy conversation. I agree not to go into too much detail, and least initially. Tell him that you’re very romantically, but that you feel you need more sexually. See how the conversation goes. Be kind to him, and to yourself.

Whatever you choose to do, don’t go behind his back. And don’t try bottle things up any longer. These things always rear their heads again, and it’s always better they happen at a younger age than an older one. That gives both partners more time to seek out new things, if that’s what you decide.

Good luck!

[BootmanLA]

One more thing: You say you're 39 and your partner is "older" but not how much older. Food for thought:

Let's say he's 50, so when you got together, he would have been a little younger than you. At that age, he might well have rejected the idea of an open relationship, but his perspective might be different now. If he's older than that - if the age gap between you is 15 or 20 years, say - that might be even more likely. Most men with significantly younger partners put some thought into what's going to happen as they age, and even if he's not eager to face it, the choice of being alone (at an age when finding a new partner could be more challenging) and letting you explore your sexuality more deeply might result in a surprise. I'm not suggesting he's going to be excited about what you may want to do, but he could surprise you.

[Guest bbrvaguy]

@BootmanLA

 

Some additional info...

Yes I am 39, he is 64.  He has never been that sexual and even now, less so.  Now... it’s maybe once a month.  Sex between us has always been... kissing, j/o, oral... and that’s it.

You are right... maybe his opinions on our relationship has changed.  The question for me would be how much to review to him.  Do I say I want an open relationship because I am not satisfied sexually?  Or that I want to bb?  Or that I don’t care and even like that they are poz?  Knowing myself... I would have to tell him that I’m interested in bb with others... but would stop there and not mention the rest... that I believe would be too much for him to grasp.

@subBottomKink

You are right... he deserves for me to be upfront and honest with him.

And you are correct in that these desires are not going away... just harder to control.  
 

@leatherpunk16

Thanks for the advice buddy.  You are right he could be open to some of it and could have his own desires I don’t know about.  And I agree.. I’d never say or frame the question as ... let me do this or we are over.  

[drscorpio]

2 hours ago, bbrvaguy said:

Thanks for replying.  Yeah if I decide I can no longer control this pig... I would tell him that sexually I’m not fully satisfied and let the chips fall as they will.  I would definitely not mention the chasing or any kink... but either way I believe the outcome will be the same.

 

I figured that was the situation. Good luck. 

[BootmanLA]

On 8/31/2020 at 8:47 PM, bbrvaguy said:

@BootmanLA

You are right... maybe his opinions on our relationship has changed.  The question for me would be how much to review to him.  Do I say I want an open relationship because I am not satisfied sexually?  Or that I want to bb?  Or that I don’t care and even like that they are poz?  Knowing myself... I would have to tell him that I’m interested in bb with others... but would stop there and not mention the rest... that I believe would be too much for him to grasp.

@subBottomKink

You are right... he deserves for me to be upfront and honest with him.

And you are correct in that these desires are not going away... just harder to control.  
 

@leatherpunk16

Thanks for the advice buddy.  You are right he could be open to some of it and could have his own desires I don’t know about.  And I agree.. I’d never say or frame the question as ... let me do this or we are over.  

I'd suggest letting him take the lead in the discussion once you open the topic. Let him ask questions, answer them as honestly as you can without making demands, and see what he says.

At his age, he's probably not looking to start over, relationship-wise. And while that's perhaps more of an option for you, you can reassure him that this isn't your intent/preference either, but there are some things, like fucking/getting fucked, that you'd like to experience more. I wouldn't lead with this, but if he lives to be, say, 84, you'll be 59, not exactly a ripe age to start trying to experience all the things you passed over when you were younger. 

He may or may not be open to any changes. But if he's not, that itself presents you with a choice: stay in this as things are; end the relationship; or cheat discreetly. I will say that I'm not a fan of the last option here, if only because it *sounds* to me like he's been up front and honest about what a relationship with him would be like, all along, so it's not like he's withdrawn sex from the table (but expecting you to be faithful). So I'll hope he's open to options that let you get what you need.

I don't know that you need to tell him you're interested in BB with others. I would simply tell him that you want to go on PrEP so there's no question of being protected, even if a condom were to break - especially if your insurance covers it. Frame it as a way of protecting both of you from anything out there.

Now, if he tells you it's OK with him if and only if you use a condom every time, you may have to extend the discussion. 

[ejaculaTe]

bbrvaguy appears to have gone off the air, his last visit here being Sept 4. (I was wondering how he had fared in raising the issue with his partner, and there was nothing from him after Aug 31.)

[LetsPOZBreed]

I'm hoping things worked out for him, if he's gone through with having an honest discussion with his partner.  

Bottling sexual urges for that long isn't easy.  I was once in a 2 year relationship where it was a similar situation of not being sexually satisfied.  Once we had that discussion, I framed it as just trying to push the envelope with sex between the two of us.  The thought was that if he wasn't very open in trying things sexually one-on-one, opening the relationship would be completely out of the question.