Becoming a reject and options?

[bbzh]

3 hours ago, alwaysready said:

i learned this back in The Golden Age of Promiscuity, in the late 70s; if you are going to cruise, you have to expect rejection, and as much as is humanly possible NOT to personalize it. that has carried over into the electronic age, where guys are much more likely to show interest and then disappear. one has to learn that this is not necessarily rejection and then keejp on keeping on.

Fully agree. There's this trauma we experience when striking out that makes us hesitant to keep trying. Our dream guy is seldom going to pick our profile from thousands online, offer mind-blowing sex and become a regular, yet, we get trapped into thinking that this is how it should work. I think the real challenge is us expecting what once worked to continue working even though we are changing - and - the environment we are operating in is constantly changing. It's easy to become jaded, develop unrealistically high standards and place the blame on others. Apps got some of thinking that Scruff and Grindr should deliver like UberEats. What is wrong with us 😂?  

[Nclchub]

I've definitely had less luck on the apps recently, though I haven't used them much in the past few months to be fair. Got a huge increase in the number of flakes who suddenly stop responding or won't meet up. Always been a thing but it's definitely more common since the pandemic got started. 

Since you can still get action at the bathhouse I'd continue going there. As much as everyone there is after a good fuck that doesn't mean people aren't picky so the fact you still get attention is a good sign. Regardless of where you do your cruising rejection is just part of the process. Only way to guarantee you won't be rejected is to pay for it with a pro (and that has its own risks). 

Good luck

[fskn]

I empathize with everyone who has written about disappointing hookup app experiences. We can try to figure out reasons (if there are any) but it's important not to second-guess the negative feelings that result from a lack of interest or lack of follow-through on the part of other app users.

With that out of the way, I will say that I've never had better experiences on Grindr than in the last month, now that I'm back online, fully vaccinated, most people in my community are partially vaccinated, and the local Covid-19 case rate is very low. I've been using Grindr for 11 years and am far from the intended user. I'm old, overweight, hairy, and not white. My dick, though thick, is of average length. To make matters worse, I'm a grower, not a shower, so it doesn't photograph well.

Any way to meet people is a numbers game. The more people, the greater your chances of a match. So what if someone rejects me or doesn't follow through? One guy came over, after I'd sent a full set of recent pics, only to tell me that it wasn't going to work. No hard feelings! A few others turned out to be bad kissers or uneager cocksuckers, and I'm sure I've fallen short sometimes. At least we tried! There are 3.9 billion minus 2 [me, and the bad match] other men out there.

A 25-year-old has every right to have preferences, and to reject me. It has nothing to do with karma, or a lack of wisdom. He might stay thin and muscular or lose his beautiful physique as he ages. Whatever the future holds for him, he should enjoy himself in the moment, just as I enjoy myself in each stage of life.

If someone rejects me, I can only hope that he does it in a way that prevents unnecessary hurt. An immediate block minimizes the time spent, and helps prevent useless rumination about why I didn't measure up. A guy's preferences are subjective, i.e., particular to him; they do not reflect inherent defects in me. If you are attracted to people of a different skin color, or to thin, muscular, smooth guys, or to guys with specific facial features, you don't need to apologize, let alone to tell me the reason you're rejecting me. I can't change most aspects of my body.

When people write that they are selective/strategic about what they reveal in profile pics, don't show their faces, etc., I wonder whether they might be setting themselves up for explicit rejection. If you plan to fuck a guy other than through a glory hole, he will see your face and body. Why not reveal everything, from the start?

My age, height, and weight are accurate and are displayed in my Grindr profile. I show my face. I mention my race. I stopped being ashamed of my belly and my flabby chest, because this is my build; my upper body pic is now public. People who aren't attracted to me can block me before I might chat with them; not respond if I initiate; or block me then. Because there are no surprises, most rejections happen before there's any chance for unnecessary hurt.

Apple and Google's app store rules prevent Grindr from allowing public dick pics, but if someone says in his profile that he's "hung" and/or "looking for hung", or he asks how big my dick is after I've sent him several pics privately, I know not to pursue. I hope he finds men with huge dicks! (I do wonder about guys who feel they need to write in their profiles that they are "muscular"; a public body pic should be enough to demonstrate that. 😂)

I end my own profile with something like "please have a complete profile and public face pic". I ask this instead of stating any rules or expectations, because it's absurd to tell other people how they should look. Although I used to answer if a guy had enticing (to me) stats but no face pic, or if his profile was blank but he sent a private pic as an introduction, I now block or don't answer. I counted up those interactions over a month (just as I had done for guys into "hung"), and they were the least likely to lead to enjoyable meetings.

If someone makes vague conversation, I know not to pursue. If he wants to meet, he'll tell me. Similarly, I will let the conversation taper off if a guy starts to display red flags. Hopefully he is smart enough to read this signal and not insist. I can come back later and block him, saving us both time and not giving him an explicit reason for the rejection — often a preference particular to me, something about him that he shouldn't change for other people or something that he couldn't change even if he wanted to.

An example came up yesterday. A young, cute bottom messaged me from 20 miles away. I show my distance and name the city I live in, in my profile. He said he'd be happy to drive over "if the neighborhood is safe". (As it happens, my city is geographically isolated, and is well-known for having a high median income and a very low crime rate among East Bay cities.) Going back and blocking him later, after the conversation had tapered off, avoided a pointless discussion that would have upset him without changing his prejudices.

I strongly recommend trying a premium Grindr subscription, if only to get access to full "who viewed you" data for one month. Count up those viewers! How many ended up contacting you on their own? How many were you interested in contacting, and did you end up contacting on your own? How many explicit rejections resulted? How many enjoyable meetings? What signals predicted rejection, or a good fuck? Even without a premium subscription, you can figure out how many people you have to chat with to actually meet one person.

Show your full hand up front, screen lots of people without making them feel bad for not being what you want, and you are bound to find matches!

Edited May 6, 2021 by fskn
Typo

[barecubtop]

It's nice to hear that others are experiencing this too, so thanks for posting.

I've drastically cut back on my app usage throughout the pandemic, but I've been getting back on a little more lately and I'm definitely experiencing the lack of interest as well. 

I'm not photogenic, nor am I super attractive...but I used to be able to get plenty of play, or at least interest in play, prior to the pandemic from the apps/sites.  Someone mentioned earlier about being between "boy" and "daddy"...I am definitely there also.  My roommate/ex has a good 40-50 pounds on me, isn't very active, etc...but he has a few years on me and "looks" more like a daddy, so he gets all kinds of attention on the apps.  *sigh*

I do well at bathhouses, but haven't returned to those yet.