Dating While Poz - Outside of the Apps

[LetsPOZBreed]

My esteemed BZ bretheren.  

I want to pose a scenario to you all that I've always struggled with, but really want to gather some advice on.  

I've been poz for nearly a decade now (UD for all except the first three months of it).  Medically, we're fortunate to be living with it in 2021 than we would be if it were 1981.  I tested poz at a time when I needed to really turn my life around, and my journey has made me grow up a bit and really look at how I approach things.  Overall, I've done that, but there's one area that I have trouble with...dating.

Mind you, if we were on the apps or websites, I'm very upfront and honest about my status.  It's there in plain English within all of my profiles.  That's not the issue.  The issue is when I meet a guy IRL outside of technology.  He'll be an attractive guy, very engaging, and the connection is clearly there...but I hold back.  It's that fear that we've all had at some point in our lives about how a guy's demenour may change once I tell him (which I will; I'm not into proper stealthing or other forms of dishonesty).  

My question to you all is:  How have you dealt with this in your lives?  When do you typically disclose, or when do you find is the best time to do so?  

[NEDenver]

I disclose as soon as possible.  Otherwise I feel like there’s a lot of wasted time and effort on both parts.

[Read1]

I hope that one can have a romantic date or a sex date with poz men. They are hotter either way you look at it! OINK!

[kiwiguyuk]

Depends on the app, things like Grindr I have my status listed, things like Tinder i'm not using currently since I never have much luck on them, much prefer getting to know someone online than being judged on some simple pictures and a basic profile wording. 

That said if I do go for a date and they're not already aware of my status I will usually disclose between first and second dates, if they suddenly lose interest/reject me then I know that their not mature enough to deal with. Don't think it's something that should wait till 2-3 months down the line but also like to get an idea of who is judging me on my status more than my personality/looks.

[Peoriaboy]

I met my husband in October 1997. We met on a program called MIRC.  I had moved to Phoenix for work and we did some dating.  We slept together but did not have anal he was a top and I was a bottom. After Christmas when things were getting serious and he had asked me to move into his house, we sat on the floor of my apartment and he told me not to freak out and to listen to him. I did. He proceed to tell me that he had HIV and that if I felt that I need to end our relationship that he would understand. I looked him in the eyes and said So what. Best decision I ever made. We spent the next 20 years together and were married the last 5 of the 20. I stayed Neg The Whole time he was undetectable during the whole time back then we did not understand that undectable was untranslatable. We had protected sexier awhile but I got tired rubbers and told him if I got then I would get it. I never did. I lost him in 2018 due to cancer not HIV and miss him everyday but at least I had him for 20 years. Moral of the story if someone loves you enough on the front end then the news font matter.

[BootmanLA]

On 6/14/2021 at 12:58 PM, LetsPOZBreed said:

My question to you all is:  How have you dealt with this in your lives?  When do you typically disclose, or when do you find is the best time to do so?  

I can't say how I "dealt" with it, because I was already with my partner when I was diagnosed and while we were waiting for the results, he made it clear he was staying with me no matter what the results were.

But: if I had learned about this when I was single and looking to date, I suspect (hope) my decision would have been to disclose in advance of any sexual activity (oral or anal) that might present even a little risk to the other guy. And realizing that it might mean said sex wouldn't be happening. Until sex is on the horizon, in other words, I don't think I'd feel it necessary to discuss.

That, of course, is predicated on the notion that I might well have sex on an early date, rather than holding out through months of getting closer and more attached. If the latter were the case - if we were running the risk of becoming emotionally attached before we got to the physical stuff - then I'd disclose a lot earlier. I don't want to develop feelings, or have someone develop feelings for me, that would be dashed if disclosure were made later.

[Peoriaboy]

I a POZ guy will have I would defently date and marry him.   

[Cubbtm4poz]

I think it's pretty shallow if a guy wont date a person who is HIV+....A guy is more than just his HIV, I know a guy that wont even talk to guys that are HIV+ he asks the question are you clean? I think that is totally rude to associate a person who is HIV+ as unclean...Especially when he doesnt even know how the person contracted HIV it could have been a blood transfusion years ago....

In the gay community there is so much judging that I feel we are our worst enemy.....I would be open to dating a guy who is HIV+ in fact I prefer someone who is poz as he at least knows his status where as a lot of neg guys really dont know their status.

[boypole]

When I was dating, I would disclose right away, preferably on the first date. It’s best for me that this information is right out there in the open, and if my date couldn’t handle it or had cold feet, then we could part ways and move on. Yes, rejection stings but it’s like a needle jab. Over and done with, and eventually, barely noticeable.

I eventually got around that barrier by only dating poz guys - which is how I met my hubby. 

Anyway, good luck and let us know how it turns out.

[valldelxeno]

So recently I had my first ever date that came from real life and not an app (go me!) and the guy disclosed early on in the conversation by bringing up that recently it was HIV Awareness day, and saying a couple of things that indicated that he is positive (without actually saying it) 

I realise this only works in December but...at least it works like 1/12 of the time lol

[Guest WelshBBCigarFuck]

I’m negative and from the other side I would say just be upfront about it. I’ve seen a few guys over the years who disclosed their status outright at the start and never had a problem with it, if anything I found things with them a lot more open and forthcoming as well as being far less inhibited. They were all undetectable and I took them to their word, we didn’t rubber up and we had great sex. We also sat round just chatting, watching TV and doing normal things, we could have open discussions about anything. 
I think the openness and honesty about the statuses was very productive and to be honest, why date someone without telling them straight off, invest yourself emotionally and potentially be rejected when you do tell them? If you tell them from the start then they are either ok with it (which is a positive) or they aren’t and they run a mile (but you haven’t gained an emotional attachment and been hurt so much).

[NastyRigPig]

If it’s a blind date or somebody you met in a coffeeshop type situation, I think the first time you meet I’d work it in to the conversation.  If things aren’t going so hot on the date, it wouldn’t be necessary, but if you feel a spark, then yes.  Just say, ‘hey, I think you need to know I’m poz, on meds and undetectable’ and let him process the information any way he needs to.  

[Ponystallion]

It's difficult because online, everyone is cool, in person, people are different and try to be above human, I use my story to help people who are face medical issues and they are having a hard time dealing with what they have going on, usually what I say to a person is you can get through this, and then I tell them that I have been living with AIDS, since 1988, usually they have this sympathy for me, and I tell them, don't feel sorry for me, because I am probably one of the healthiest men they know because, I know my status and get check ups every 3-6 months. I am shock that people are afraid to go to the doctor. that's how I approach it, but usually, I try to meet most men online and then it's up front, but meeting someone in person, if i want sex, then I spill right there.

 

[PupLucca]

On 6/14/2021 at 1:58 PM, LetsPOZBreed said:

My esteemed BZ bretheren.  

I want to pose a scenario to you all that I've always struggled with, but really want to gather some advice on.  

I've been poz for nearly a decade now (UD for all except the first three months of it).  Medically, we're fortunate to be living with it in 2021 than we would be if it were 1981.  I tested poz at a time when I needed to really turn my life around, and my journey has made me grow up a bit and really look at how I approach things.  Overall, I've done that, but there's one area that I have trouble with...dating.

Mind you, if we were on the apps or websites, I'm very upfront and honest about my status.  It's there in plain English within all of my profiles.  That's not the issue.  The issue is when I meet a guy IRL outside of technology.  He'll be an attractive guy, very engaging, and the connection is clearly there...but I hold back.  It's that fear that we've all had at some point in our lives about how a guy's demenour may change once I tell him (which I will; I'm not into proper stealthing or other forms of dishonesty).  

My question to you all is:  How have you dealt with this in your lives?  When do you typically disclose, or when do you find is the best time to do so?  

I straight up tell the guy I’m poz.  He already knows if he actually read your profile so it’s not a big deal. 

[chargedodger]

discussing status means you are both wanting to become intimate...what a hot beginning of a great relationship awaits beyond that moment...and conversation.:)