Making Friends an Adult

[evilalex]

How do people make friends as adults? I have no idea. I don't really mean FWB, or even just male friends. I have no idea how to go from meeting someone at an event, to hanging out (not including hook ups). Part of it is that I prefer being alone, and people can be tiresome, but it would probably be beneficial to make some. 

[speedo21]

Yea I have this problem too.

[YourNoLimitsBottom]

I was having the same problem until I started using my interests to meet people. I love board games, and once a month I go to a local game shop to play in their game night where I've made friends. I love to run, and there is a park about half an hour away (living in a rural area, half an hour is considered right around the corner). It has a nice paved track for walkers and runners. I have become a familiar face and made friends there.

In the end, my advice is to make your interests work for you. If you are doing something you already enjoy while interacting with new people with that same interest, it makes conversations a lot easier.

[ejaculaTe]

What @YourNoLimitsBottom said is spot on. Another possibility is to do volunteer work, though, of course, the pandemic put a damper on socializing and the like. And there are plenty of magazine and web articles on the topic; I came across the Deadspin article in 2014, and a trip with your favorite search engine should unearth lots.

[think before following links] https://deadspin.com/why-is-making-grownup-friends-so-hard-1501033717

[BootmanLA]

I'm like you in that I generally prefer to be alone, but there are times when it's not only nice, but advisable, to spend time with others. While I'm fine with eating lunch alone almost anywhere, and I'll eat dinner alone in anything no fancier than a Chili's, I just don't like to eat out for dinner in a nicer place. For starters, it takes almost as long to take my order and serve me as it would for a table of two, but the server's going to make less because the tab is lower. I also am fine with reading on my phone or working an electronic crossword puzzle in a casual place, but not so much in a white-tablecloth kind of place.  Having a dinner companion makes it possible to pass the time waiting in conversation.

I also enjoy birding, but that sometimes involves a few hours' drive to a good (often remote) location, spending time observing, and heading back. Having another person who shares my interests along - to split the driving, to help spot something good in the trees, etc. - is a great thing.

So in one sense, the answer seems to be - look for others who share the interest where you want company, and do some open-ended inviting - "I'm thinking of checking out the new billiard hall on 4th soon - feel like coming with?". But even if you find someone whose company you enjoy (and it's reciprocated), bear in mind this will likely end up as a casual friendship - the kind of guy you call when you want to do something fun. And bear in mind, a friendship based in a shared activity isn't necessarily going to lead to a friendship where you can just hang out doing nothing. 

If what you're looking for is a deeper sort of friendship - the kind you can call when things are NOT going well, and you just want someone who'll tolerate you being morose for a bit and cheer you up with a fun lunch and/or movie - then you may need a different approach. There's nothing wrong, inherently, with "fair weather" friends - the kind who are happy to spend good times with you, but who don't have the available emotional bandwidth to help you through less joyous events. But the friends who do - or at least, are willing to make that bandwidth available to you - are fewer and farther between.

[RealCute]

If we think back to when we were just kids, we would see someone playing and would walk over and say my name is yyyyy what is your name.

The response would be the names then someone would say '"do you want to play"  

I think the same things would work at any age, however the word "play" may have a slightly different meaning.

It sure works well at the baths.....

 

 

[Leather69]

It's a modern day problem... I am lucky that I have a couple (gay married) and we meet up regularly for drinks at a pub near to where they live. A friend of theirs usually drops in for a couple hours.. and friends (straight) from their unit complex join in as well. But that's it.. the concept of having friends that would join in.. maybe go out for dinner etc jst doesn't seem to be about. .. is this a 21st century thing???  ..or  where every social interaction is supposed to end in some sort of form of sex???.

[evilalex]

Thanks for the replies, guys. I didn't realize this was so common.  I'm going to try finding out what i'm interested in, and then finding a group. 

[theplayerking]

Many men bond by doing activities together. Sex is obviously one, but there are many others. Is meetup.com active in your area?

[BlackDude]

I’ve always had a terrible time making friends, even as a child. I’ve always fell into this weird grey area as too gay for straight guys (I love 80’s pop music and design) but to straight for gays (I love sports and old school hip-hop). Add to that I’m not of the the extreme stereotypes people expect of black men (2pac vs. Carlton Banks).

I’ve always been a loner and anti-social, and have kind of accepted it. 
 

I think too often, gay people make friends based on looks not compatibility. 

[VersatileBreeder]

2 hours ago, BlackDude said:

I’ve always fell into this weird grey area as too gay for straight guys (I love 80’s pop music and design) but to straight for gays (I love sports and old school hip-hop).

Dude... I read that and felt it in my soul. 37 years old and I never realized that is exactly the same boat I am in. Too gay for the straights and too straight for the gays. It truly is frustrating.

[BootmanLA]

I will add this: Leaving aside all the contortions of life caused by the pandemic, in the United States at least, for the past 30-40 years we've been edging towards having less and less free time to pursue old-fashioned concepts like friendship hangouts, especially as we become more and more urbanized (and this is the case for both straight and gay people).

For instance, young adults used to be able to live fairly close to their workplaces, even if not in ideal housing. In big cities, that meant you could get on transit and be at work in 20-25 minutes, and home in about the same. In smaller cities, it was a 20 minute drive or so. As housing costs have skyrocketed, in a big city young adults need to live 3 and 4 to an apartment that's 90 minutes outside of work by transit. In smaller but booming cities, affordable housing has come to mean a suburb with an hour's commute each way by car on days when there's no breakdown or other traffic issue slowing down the journey. All the funky places that used to be affordable close-in have been gentrified far beyond the budget of the young adult.

They may have to work a second job (or lots of overtime) just to make ends meet. Increasingly, employers require a significant overtime investment each week for professionals, too, which further limits available time. 

Then, too, a lot of people have significant time commitments for things like exercise/working out, sometimes just to keep themselves sane.

Even if all these things don't happen every workday, they average out to a lot. Add an 8-hour workday, half an hour for lunch, 2 hours for commuting, half an hour of exercise, an hour of second job/overtime, maybe an hour and a half combined for morning shower/prep/breakfast and evening dinner/relaxing, and you're already pushing against the available time after allowing 8 hours for sleep - before you account for any errands, cleaning, laundry, or whatever else might fill a typical day. Modern life is exhausting.

And the number one driver of that is housing costs - both in terms of creating the need for overtime and second jobs (which suck up time) and the commuting required to find a place to live affordably. If we solved the housing issue, the return in terms of leisure time would be astronomical. Then maybe people would have time to make friends and do things with them.

[BlackDude]

16 minutes ago, BootmanLA said:

I will add this: Leaving aside all the contortions of life caused by the pandemic, in the United States at least, for the past 30-40 years we've been edging towards having less and less free time to pursue old-fashioned concepts like friendship hangouts, especially as we become more and more urbanized (and this is the case for both straight and gay people).

For instance, young adults used to be able to live fairly close to their workplaces, even if not in ideal housing. In big cities, that meant you could get on transit and be at work in 20-25 minutes, and home in about the same. In smaller cities, it was a 20 minute drive or so. As housing costs have skyrocketed, in a big city young adults need to live 3 and 4 to an apartment that's 90 minutes outside of work by transit. In smaller but booming cities, affordable housing has come to mean a suburb with an hour's commute each way by car on days when there's no breakdown or other traffic issue slowing down the journey. All the funky places that used to be affordable close-in have been gentrified far beyond the budget of the young adult.

They may have to work a second job (or lots of overtime) just to make ends meet. Increasingly, employers require a significant overtime investment each week for professionals, too, which further limits available time. 

Then, too, a lot of people have significant time commitments for things like exercise/working out, sometimes just to keep themselves sane.

Even if all these things don't happen every workday, they average out to a lot. Add an 8-hour workday, half an hour for lunch, 2 hours for commuting, half an hour of exercise, an hour of second job/overtime, maybe an hour and a half combined for morning shower/prep/breakfast and evening dinner/relaxing, and you're already pushing against the available time after allowing 8 hours for sleep - before you account for any errands, cleaning, laundry, or whatever else might fill a typical day. Modern life is exhausting.

And the number one driver of that is housing costs - both in terms of creating the need for overtime and second jobs (which suck up time) and the commuting required to find a place to live affordably. If we solved the housing issue, the return in terms of leisure time would be astronomical. Then maybe people would have time to make friends and do things with them.

I am not really seeing that in my city or surrounding areas. I see gay guys hooking up or rooming up and still living in the same areas which are now gentrified. A lot of them have good jobs, good salaries and have plenty of free time on their hands. I live near four metropolitan areas, and the mid town areas are filled with gay men. 
 

I think a lot of this has to do with the main streaming of gay culture. The “Queer Eye” effect. A lot of younger guys are just more focused on appearance than anything else. With more options for gay friends, they would rather just sit it out and wait for someone who looks like a good friend  (“hot”) and someone who is actually a good friend.
 

To me, it use to be a lot of gay guys had to stick together and be a family because the outside world in a lot of cases did not except them. Now that is not the case.
 

Plus there are just a lot less gay only spaces now. You can’t go out to a gay bar or club now where I am at without seeing at least 40% women.

[lfjgnjnhj]

I just can't figure out why it's so fucking difficult to understand that there are too many countries around this FUCKING World with hard Homophobia, hatred, Internalized Homophobia inside gay 'Community', Fem Shaming, Bottom Shaming and Bottom Hatred?!!!! Also, there are so fucking huge "traditional culture based on the fucking RELIGIOUS beliefs'!!!! For example, RUSSIA! FUCKING RUSSIA with FUCKING RUSSIAN PPL including GAYS!!! To me, for example, yes this is sooooo FUCKING DIFFICULT to making FRIENDSHIP/RELATIONSHIP/HOOKUP etc etc etc BECAUSE I'VE BEEN EXPERIENCED A LOT OF HOMOPHOBIA and HATRED from RUSSIAN SR8T PPL, and ALSO BECAUSE I"VE BEEN REJECTED, GHOSTED, BOYCOTTED by FUCKING RUSSIAN F@GS BECAUSE OF MY SKINNY BODY and BECAUSE OF MY FEM PERSONALITY and BECAUSE OF THE SIZE!

So .... I'd like to say that YOU ALL ARE FUCKED UP, GuyZ! You can CONTINUOUSLY PLAYING MORE this FUCKING DUMB STUPID UNFRIENDLY DISGUSTING ANNOYING SHAMEFUL DISRESPECTFUL UNHELPFUL GAME that doesn't have ANY GOOD RESULTS and PROGRESSES!