Why do you want a partner/boyfriend?

[Philip]

Why do want a partner/boyfriend?

A man once told me that he doesn’t know why he wants a partner if he is self-sufficient already. He can look after himself and I had no doubt that he could. He said that he can find happiness within himself, and that he knows how to love himself, so why, he asked me on a summer evening, does he need a partner? His friends and family can keep him company. His work keeps him busy. He can have casual sex whenever he wants to. He simply doesn’t see the need in having a partner.

I was stunned. Today, he is 23 and I am 31. Perhaps he hasn’t been in enough relationships to know the importance of having one.  I told him that I want a partner because friends come and go, and your partner will be there with you no matter what. Sex with strangers is great, but you reach a deeper level of intimacy with a long-term partner. If life is a stew, then a partner is the salt that enhances the flavour in every possible way.

What is everyone’s thought on this? Are you someone who would like a partner or are you fine on your own?

[BootmanLA]

34 minutes ago, Philip said:

Why do want a partner/boyfriend?

A man once told me that he doesn’t know why he wants a partner if he is self-sufficient already. He can look after himself and I had no doubt that he could. He said that he can find happiness within himself, and that he knows how to love himself, so why, he asked me on a summer evening, does he need a partner? His friends and family can keep him company. His work keeps him busy. He can have casual sex whenever he wants to. He simply doesn’t see the need in having a partner.

I was stunned. Today, he is 23 and I am 31. Perhaps he hasn’t been in enough relationships to know the importance of having one.  I told him that I want a partner because friends come and go, and your partner will be there with you no matter what. Sex with strangers is great, but you reach a deeper level of intimacy with a long-term partner. If life is a stew, then a partner is the salt that enhances the flavour in every possible way.

What is everyone’s thought on this? Are you someone who would like a partner or are you fine on your own?

Perhaps because he realizes that partners, like friends, can "come and go"? Because he realizes that a partner may well NOT "be there with you no matter what"?

I'm not downgrading the value of a relationship - I'm in one myself. But I've been in three others before (I'm now 58), and each one of those "came and went". Each one of those started with "be there no matter what" right up until he wasn't any more.

It may shock you to learn that the vast majority of relationships end before the death of either partner. Even legal marriages end at a pretty substantial rate. So let's not pretend that "relationship" is some magic formula that ensures you'll never be alone.

In fact, I think your friend probably has a healthier outlook on relationships than you do. They're great when they happen to work out, but they don't always, and they're not always essential. And to use your metaphor, sometimes adding salt to the stew completely ruins the flavor. 

[hntnhole]

4 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

In fact, I think your friend probably has a healthier outlook on relationships than you do

For once, I disagree.  There is no human experience that I know of more fulfilling, wonderful than loving a guy completely, and knowing he loves you back completely.  I had that for 30 years, and it made me a far better man than if I had only thought of myself, my inclinations, my own self-sufficiency.  Of this, I am completely, 100% positive. When he became ill, I was there for him.  When I went through an illness, he was there for me.  When he was unable to handle things, I was there to make all the terrible, gut-wrenching decisions. And had it been me seriously ill, there is not a scintilla of doubt in my mind he would have been there to set me free.  Partner, boyfriend, lover, life-companion, call it whatever suits, and be happy, grateful, thankful that love found you, and you found love.  All the rest, the fucking, the backrooms, isn't more than a puff of smoke in the wind, comparatively. 

Sorry, but this time I think the friend mentioned above has a far less healthy outlook on relationships than our poster.  I happen to think that if we're lucky enough to find only one "soulmate", that can be enough to carry us our entire lives.  Friends, buddies are all great, and they do come and go.  But sharing real Love in one's life is the greatest of gifts.

[evilqueerpig]

I was in an open relationship for 10 years, the last 2 of which were nonsexual.  Ultimately, my ex betrayed my trust and it didn't end well.  Needless to say, it left a bad taste in my mouth and I didn't want to be in such a vulnerable position.  Recently, even at the age of 62, I'm open to the idea of putting myself out there, IF there's a man who's not looking for monogamy and can deal with me.

[blkoraltm]

Consistent Sex. At least the belief that it could be Consistent 

[BootmanLA]

2 hours ago, hntnhole said:

For once, I disagree.  There is no human experience that I know of more fulfilling, wonderful than loving a guy completely, and knowing he loves you back completely.  I had that for 30 years, and it made me a far better man than if I had only thought of myself, my inclinations, my own self-sufficiency.  Of this, I am completely, 100% positive. When he became ill, I was there for him.  When I went through an illness, he was there for me.  When he was unable to handle things, I was there to make all the terrible, gut-wrenching decisions. And had it been me seriously ill, there is not a scintilla of doubt in my mind he would have been there to set me free.  Partner, boyfriend, lover, life-companion, call it whatever suits, and be happy, grateful, thankful that love found you, and you found love.  All the rest, the fucking, the backrooms, isn't more than a puff of smoke in the wind, comparatively. 

Sorry, but this time I think the friend mentioned above has a far less healthy outlook on relationships than our poster.  I happen to think that if we're lucky enough to find only one "soulmate", that can be enough to carry us our entire lives.  Friends, buddies are all great, and they do come and go.  But sharing real Love in one's life is the greatest of gifts.

Here's the thing, though. That depends on finding "the one". Or, as Dan Savage says, the 0.72 that you round up to one.

And I'm not putting that down in the slightest. I have a superb relationship (if I say so myself) and I'm very, very happy with it. But I was also very happy before I met him, and if I hadn't, I'm pretty damned sure I wouldn't have been better off sticking with one of the previous guys who was, in retrospect, a 0.45 or less. And had I not met him, I'd still have been pretty happy with my life. In fact, I suspect one reason I was able to see him for what he was and add him into my life is that I was already content with what I had.

The problem I see isn't in saying that relationships are wonderful; it's the attitude that the OP has that of course a partner will stay forever, unlike friends, and of course that isn't necessarily so. And I've known way, way too many people over the years who start lamenting by 25 or so if they're not in a relationship and are constantly on the lookout for "the one" who will finally make them happy.

The OP's friend seems to be in a place where he's happy with his life, and while he says he's not looking for a relationship, I suspect if "the one" (or the 0.75 or whatever) came along, he might well decide it's time to settle down. But I still contend it's better to be happy with oneself and one's life first, and not be seeking someone to fill in a gap. The guys in the best relationships I've known have usually said something like "he filled a gap I didn't even realize was there" - which is diametrically opposite to the guys who have their laundry list of what they want in a relationship ready to measure each guy they meet.

[hntnhole]

8 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

The guys in the best relationships I've known have usually said something like "he filled a gap I didn't even realize was there"

I hadn't thought of it in this context, and now that I have, it's true:  While I was "happy" before I met him, somewhat content with my life (career, all of that), I had no idea of what life could be. I had just moved to the Big City back then, and was busy fucking everything in sight.  There was a gap, in that I didn't realize at the time that there might possibly be so much more.  Maybe the fact that I considered myself happy, and therefore wasn't "on the hunt" for more, that I was open to the real deal when it presented itself.  

Thanks for pointing this out.  It's always a good day when we learn something new - particularly about ourselves.  I appreciate your insights.

[PendragonSpirit]

To borrow some lyrics from who I consider the queen of emotional and spiritual growth, Alanis Morrisette...

"I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush 'cause I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure in the meantime
In the meantime, I'll live like there's no tomorrow"

-21 Things I Want In A Lover

--

For me, it comes down to what's going to sound incredibly conceited.. and possibly contradictory. See, I'll have sex with pretty much anyone. Sex is sex. There doesn't have to be an emotional connection, I'm not introducing you to my family, it's all about the connection of bodies and that sweet, sweet release. It's physical. There doesn't need to be any real attraction, and I don't need to know anything about you.

But when it comes to a relationship? I'm incredibly picky. I have certain qualities I look for, and they're non-negotiable. Because I know my own worth, I know who I am as a person (well... mostly.) And finding someone who checks the right boxes? That's tricky. And, if I'm honest, I don't really put myself out there. I'd rather have a chill D&D night with my friends than go out to a bar or club. Grindr and Tindr and Scruff and whatever else just don't appeal to me. 

And I like having my freedom, not having to check in with anyone or run my plans past someone else. 

So I suppose I both like and hate the idea of a relationship. It's... complicated.

[hntnhole]

53 minutes ago, PendragonSpirit said:

For me, it comes down to what's going to sound incredibly conceited

What's so "conceited" about that response? 

Sounds more like you know yourself, you know what you want, what you don't, and run your life accordingly.  That's not conceit; that's self-confidence.

[PendragonSpirit]

12 minutes ago, hntnhole said:

What's so "conceited" about that response? 

Sounds more like you know yourself, you know what you want, what you don't, and run your life accordingly.  That's not conceit; that's self-confidence.

To be honest, I suppose I've just always had issues with being confident and assuming it was me being conceited.

[an0nt0p]

I'm a romantic at heart. I would say some of the best sex I've ever had was with someone I had a connection with and I love to cuddle. It's nice to have someone around and something who help keep me in check. I've had boyfriends in the past and I've always appreciated the things they would do for me. That being said, I would much prefer meeting someone who love taking loads as much as I like to fuck anon bottoms. 

[bihairy]

I don't think we are meant to be alone in life.  I'd want a partner or BF that is ok with an open relationship so we can fuck around with or without each other but still know we are there for one another if needed.  Waking up next to my hot man and fucking our brains out is not a bad thing either.  If you are single and happy with that then more power to you.  But its nice to have someone on your side.

[MuscledHorse]

I'd had one disastrous relationship that ended with the partner dying at 32 from alcoholism induced liver failure. After that soul wrenching experience I was not keen on looking for or having any other relationship beyond the string up hookups I was used to. My current partner I met totally by accident at Furry Weekend Atlanta (yes, I am a pup and a Furry) and he wound up being one of the guys to come help me move to Atlanta in mid-2019 after I sold my house in Chattanooga. We really hit it off and started hanging out. By the time DragonCon rolled around several months later we decided to call it boyfriends and everyone that knew us all went "it's about time you two figured it out." We now live together and I couldn't be happier. We both reject Xian sexual monogamy as unnatural and unhealthy and he even been the camera guy on some of my porn shoots. It's great to have someone to come home to and to pal around with and even have sex with. We still enjoy casual sex with other guys--sometimes together, sometimes apart--though I am way more promiscuous than he is, and he is not only fine with it, he encourages it.

[hntnhole]

31 minutes ago, MuscledHorse said:

We now live together and I couldn't be happier

And I'm happy for the both of you.  Ditching the cultural bs we've been raised with, and listening to our own hearts and minds (and lusts) will almost always lead us to where we need to be.  Kudos, bud !!

[Philip]

1 hour ago, MuscledHorse said:

It's great to have someone to come home to and to pal around with and even have sex with.

This was very wholesome to read 😇 Thank you for sharing. 

 

22 hours ago, hntnhole said:

thankful that love found you, and you found love

Love for another person is such a strong emotion that I do wish it upon everyone in this lifetime. When I do meet someone who have not fallen in love, I would be lying if I say that I don’t feel a pang of sadness for them, that somehow they are missing out on something special that life has to offer.