When Does Dating Become Exclusive?

[Philip]

When you are dating someone for the first time, is it by default exclusive? (meaning that you can’t have sex with anybody else except each other) Or is the default non-exclusive until you both have the talk about it?

When I date, I assume the default is non-exclusive, to keep my options open, so I can date and have fun with other people until I am sure that this person might be the one. Then at some point down the dating path, we both agree for exclusivity.

I don’t tell people this at the start and when the men I am dating find out that I have been dating/having fun with other people, they think I am cheating and things go downhill pretty quickly, even though we are seeing each other and not even official.

I don’t want to have the ‘exclusivity’ talk too early because it means I am lock into the relationship without options, but not telling them at all risk them thinking that I am a cheat.

What would you do if you were in this situation?

[Shotsfired]

I don't think there is a tried and true formula for this issue. I think it depends on where you meet, what their profile clues you into, and on conversations and context  clues. 

A safe rule of thumb I live by is to match to the more conservative individual. If they are looking for a long term partner, then go ahead and breach the subject.  And don't see other people unless you've talked about it.

 

You can simply ask their expectations while dating. If they want to see other people, and expect you not too that's a red flag. If they expect both of you to proceed while seeing other people, that's great. If they want monogamy,  consider it carefully,. If you want that relationship and can stand monogamy then go for it. If you can't live in a monogamous relationship or are unsure, you had best walk away. Whatever the agreement is, it needs to be followed or breakup. 

I would say that when I have tried to play down my slutty side or pretended to be more wholesome it has always bit me in the ass. Its better to be honest about who you are.

[hntnhole]

12 hours ago, Philip said:

What would you do if you were in this situation?

Directly to the question:  

a) Of course not.  There's never a "default" position.  It's up to the parties involved to decide what the parameters of the potential arrangement will be.

b )When you date a guy, assume nothing.  Merely a date with a guy doesn't automatically endorse your conceptions or his.  It's up to you to make the arrangements together. Your prior assumption is not a valid one.

c) "I don't tell people this at the start ..."  And you're surprised when they find out?  Why would you be surprised?  

d) "I don't want to have the exclusivity talk too early ..."  In a relationship, it's not all about what you want - it's all about what you can give.  Alleviate that potential by being upfront in the first place with the guy.  

 

If I were you, I'd take however long it took to think through what I really want. 

Ask yourself some questions:   

1.  Do I even want (what you consider to be) a "relationship?  Do I want to be tied down to just one guy?  I know I've cheated on prior guys, and will almost certainly continue to get "outside" action.  Trying to be someone I'm not will always "bite me in the ass", one way or another. 

2. Do I like the idea of having a monogamous relationship (i.e. someone you care about, respect, all of that) and expect him to be true to the agreement, while I continue to get fresh action? 

Figure out who and what you really want to be. Need to be.  Then, be that guy.  Trying to set yourself up in an arrangement that you most likely won't keep isn't fair to yourself or the prospective relationship, and likely won't be long-lasting.

Maybe you should consider a relationship with a guy that's just as attracted to PigSex as you are.  There's no reason that kind of relationship cannot last, as long as the crucial component of any relationship - honesty - is the corner stone upon which the relationship is built.  There's nothing at all wrong with whoring your ass, Breeding tons of Holes, sucking off Cocks, whatever turns your crank, as long as you're honest.  Tons of relationships thrive in that context.    

Be honest with yourself first, which will enable you to be honest in a prospective relationship.  Figure it out.

 

[BannedWord]

14 hours ago, Philip said:

When you are dating someone for the first time, is it by default exclusive? (meaning that you can’t have sex with anybody else except each other) Or is the default non-exclusive until you both have the talk about it?

What would you do if you were in this situation?

Here's a question: Do you buy a car without test driving it?  

My simple answer is "no". I'm not exclusive after one date, I don't presume that my partner is either. Or I may have asked if they're seeing other people and just be honest up-front about whether or not we are (keyword: we). That helps set the expectations from the outset. But let's say that we're seeing other people while seeing each other. There's generally a point at which it might be expected that you're more serious than a casual thing, and that's the point where I've asked the question of "Are we a thing? Is this serious? Because I like you and I don't want to see anyone else." Then sit back and assess their answer. At least that gives you some indication of whether you're both on the same page or the other guy has a different perception of what the two of you are. 

I'd also consider @hntnhole's advice: You might want to assume that you're both guys and you want to stick your cock in anything given the chance. 😂🤣

[BootmanLA]

To all of the advice above (most of which I find sound), I'd also suggest considering this:

What do you (ultimately) want? If you're hoping to someday be in a monogamous relationship - and monogamous means NO outside sexual partners; having threeways with your partner and another guy doesn't count as monogamy, even if you both are always present and always agree on the guy - then that's one thing. If you are open to that, but are also willing to consider an open relationship (of whatever kind; they come in all flavors), then that's something else. If you're sure you don't want a monogamous relationship at all, but you're open to other sorts of arrangements, then that's yet something else.

Answer that question first, and that will guide you further. If you meet a guy and go on a date, there's no reason you can't ask him what he's looking for, ultimately, as well. You don't have to tip your hand right away (although you should try to answer any question honestly, if you do answer it); but his answers can give you powerful guidance on where to go from there.

Let's say you know you'd consider a monogamous relationship, but you're not set on that as the only long-term option. He mentions that he's ready to settle down with one guy. You can feel him out - "Do you think you'd want that to be a strictly monogamous relationship, or do think you'd prefer something less rigid?" If he says "absolutely it would have to be monogamous" then you have some additional info to work with. You know his end game, and even without telling him yes or no to that, you can evaluate this and future dates, if any, with that in mind. And if at any point you feel like "This is fun, but I don't think I could ever settle down with this guy exclusively", then you've got your answer, and you can either break it off, or make it clear to him that this won't end up where he wants it, but you're willing to keep seeing him if he's OK with something more casual. 

But in general: you can, if you want, upfront, say something like "It's not that I date around a lot, and I always hope things go well with a date and we hit it off. But I don't want either of us to assume exclusivity until we reach the point that we talk about it and agree that's what we want. In the meantime, I hope we enjoy each other's company as we see where, if anywhere, this leads us. Cool with that?"

[Philip]

22 hours ago, Shotsfired said:

If you can't live in a monogamous relationship or are unsure, you had best walk away. Whatever the agreement is, it needs to be followed or breakup. 

I would say that when I have tried to play down my slutty side or pretended to be more wholesome it has always bit me in the ass. Its better to be honest about who you are.

 

12 hours ago, hntnhole said:

Trying to set yourself up in an arrangement that you most likely won't keep isn't fair to yourself or the prospective relationship, and likely won't be long-lasting.

 

 

5 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

And if at any point you feel like "This is fun, but I don't think I could ever settle down with this guy exclusively", then you've got your answer, and you can either break it off, or make it clear to him that this won't end up where he wants it

I am usually worried whenever the person that I am dating ask what type of relationship that I want (e.g., open, monogamy, etc. ) because more often than not, they want monogamy, and I would always tell myself that I’ll give it another go to see if this arrangement will work out. And it does for a little while, until I start to miss the freedom of having sex with other men.

Sometimes, when things get more serious with us, I would randomly get angry at my partner because I feel like my freedom (to have sex with other people) is taken away, which is very silly because I have placed myself in this situation in the first place. Maybe I am angry at myself.

I think the above information is enough to deduce that monogamy is probably not for me. I want to tell myself that I am ‘ready to settle down’ with one person, to keep my options open (i.e., include monogamy as well as open relationship in the cards) but it doesn’t seem fair to my partner when I don’t hold up to my end of the agreement in a monogamy relationship.

Anyway, I was taking to a guy on Grindr today. He asked what type of relationship I wanted to be in, and after a moment of hesitation, I told him I prefer open but be romantically attached to one person (but physically to others), and he was cool with that, thankfully.

But couldn’t the opposite happen? Meaning that the other person really wants a monogamy relationship but wants to try an open relationship with me, and not be true to themselves? Somewhere along the line, they would be unhappy that I am sleeping around too much and things will go downhill?

[hntnhole]

6 hours ago, Philip said:

and I would always tell myself that I’ll give it another go to see if this arrangement will work out

Why would you bother doing that?  If it hasn't worked any number of times before, why think that it might after the previous failures?  

6 hours ago, Philip said:

because I have placed myself in this situation in the first place

Exactly.  So, learn from the previous missteps, correct them in the future, and proceed with becoming the man you need to become.  In an earlier reply, I think that "someone" mentioned that there are tons of guys in open relationships which prove enduring, simply because they're based on honesty.    <<<polite cough>>>

6 hours ago, Philip said:

I think the above information is enough to deduce that monogamy is probably not for me

Hmmmm .... do I detect a light bulb turning on inside your head ???  There is absolutely nothing wrong with any kind of relationship, provided it's entered into with honesty, integrity, and care for the other party.  Thus, the guy in the ether that has no problem with a relationship with another horny Pig - or someone like him - might be the right area for you to mine for potential relationships.  

 

Philip, you've received excellent advice from three intelligent, experienced men - SRQDude, BootmanLA, and Shotsfired - whose input is offered only in an altruistic vein.  I would take advantage of these suggestions, were I you.  But, that decision is yours only.  Best of luck !!

[evilqueerpig]

I'm not capable of monogamy, so I make that clear at the outset to avoid hurt feelings.

[Berdell]

Neither can I. Not capable of saying no to a nice Dick in my hole or Mouth!

[Guest]

2 to 6 months of dating, I explain to whomever I am interested in that Monogamy doesn't truly work.  If they can understand that with proper communication, then we can work better together.  Open relationships come with more trust.  The best relationships I've found work for me are non-monogamous ones.  There's never worry of cheating, being open with my partner that I got fucked by someone else and I would expect the same from him.  Communication is the hardest thing to get.  Monogamy is a mind screw that someone came up with thousands of years ago to gain control.  It's easier for me to have many sex partners, as we should.  Monogamy doesn't work.  The Divorce rates are so high because of the control tactics of Monogamy.  I would love to have a lover that would have his friends over to all fuck me.  If everyone is happy it works.  Keep drama out of relationships, no need to know everything about everyone.  That crap wears us down.  Empathy, compassion and respect are key to happy life

[AlwaysOpen]

Just for a bit of lightheartedness.. I would say it becomes exclusive when you either cannot free yourself from the sling, or cannot open any of the exterior doors or windows... (maybe I have been reading too many of the backroom stories on here  LOL)

[BootmanLA]

13 hours ago, Philip said:

But couldn’t the opposite happen? Meaning that the other person really wants a monogamy relationship but wants to try an open relationship with me, and not be true to themselves? Somewhere along the line, they would be unhappy that I am sleeping around too much and things will go downhill?

Of course it's possible. Almost anything is possible.

But that's on him, not on you. And you wouldn't be an asshole for pointing it out, if he ends up unhappy: "Look, we agreed on an open relationship. I'm not saying you have to stay in it, if you're not happy; but I won't be happy if it's completely closed off, either. So if we can't find a compromise that works for us, we should part now, on as good a set of terms as possible, rather than making us both miserable because neither of us can be what the other needs."

[PendragonSpirit]

Short answer? When both parties agree to be exclusive. 

[BootmanLA]

1 hour ago, NatureBoy said:

2 to 6 months of dating, I explain to whomever I am interested in that Monogamy doesn't truly work.

...

Monogamy is a mind screw that someone came up with thousands of years ago to gain control.  It's easier for me to have many sex partners, as we should.  Monogamy doesn't work.  The Divorce rates are so high because of the control tactics of Monogamy.

Not to disagree with the other parts of your post, but these are, as stated, bullshit.

"Monogamy doesn't truly work." - For you. I'm not saying it's easy (it's often not) but it does work for lots of people, and their experiences are no less valid than yours. 

"as we should." - "Should" is the most useless word in the English language. Who died and made you Princess of the Universe to declare what other people "should" do? (Hint: nobody.) It's not your place to determine what other people "should" do in their own relationships, which don't affect you one iota (unless, of course, you view them as prey that need outside sex and you go after them to get them to cheat, in which case, maybe it's your business but then maybe again, screw you).

"The Divorce rates are so high because of the control tactics of Monogamy." - You have zero basis for making that statement, unless you believe that the primary driving factor in divorce is people wanting to fuck other people and not being allowed. You're just over 30, so let me try to enlighten you just a tad: there are a thousand reasons people get divorced, and most of them don't have anything to do with one person wanting to fuck around.