Question for Sub Bottoms, are you "sub" 24/7?

[BBBxCumDumpster]

Back when I came out, (The Earth was still cooling.) We used the terms, French active and Greek  passive. Then, it was just active and passive, then top and bottom.  Now, it's Dom and Sub.  Now, bottom and Sub are used pretty my much synonymously.  While I am always a bottom, I'm not always a sub.  When I'm higher than God, I'm very sub. Otherwise, I'm just me, obstinate, outspoken, bossy at times, especially professionally.  A regular top deeply offended me recently and said he was done with me.  Fine. Two weeks later he was back.  I told him until I forgave him, he was the bitch. I made him beg. Things went back to normal eventually, but I made it clear that sub doesn't mean without respect or boundaries. Are you always sub even outside of sex? Do you set boundaries? 

[tallslenderguy]

my sub side doesn't present to everyone. It is always a part of me,  but it's a part of me that is mostly responsive to a Guy with certain attributes.  i sent a short, introductory message to a Guy on a site just yesterday who had "Dom" in his screen name.  His only response was "so, you gonna be my remote slave, or what?"  lol, that was a total shut down for me. i wrote back that i don't make such a commitment to a total stranger and wished him luck. To me, D/s is a natural attraction and bonding of opposites, yin/yang. As you note, there have been myriad terms used to try and describe this at different times in history, in different cultures, but i think the underlying reality of opposites in life, nature, is a constant. 

While i think there are broad, general commonalities between 'subs' and "Doms,' the reality is we're all individuals and even our individuality is fluid. From what i have experienced, there are a lot of guys in the D/s community who want to have (their) static definition of Dom or sub as the standard that, if deviated from, disqualifies another as D or s. It seems to me that there are some things about you that attract the "Dom" in question, and other things that make Him want to be "done with."  But we are all a mixed bag, eh?

 i doubt there is such a thing as a perfect fit, so in relationship i look for Guys who are self aware and can articulate Their thoughts, needs, desires, identity, etc.. To me, that's a way we can discover if we have enough compatibility to connect, and maybe even bond.  A lot of guys opt for short term connects vs long term bonding. i think there are advantages to both. The first is easier, quicker, the latter has more potential for depth. 

[Guest]

Am I a sub 24/7? Before i even had my first gay sex, i was and still am a sort of shy and timid person, I am polite, gentle I think, and in my early teen years would secretly put on girl clothing. i have to admit they made me feel sexy, and i enjoyed them. In school i would have other boys call me a fag, not that i ever did anything to seduce or insinuate that i wanted sex with them. but it left me wondering why they called me that and to be honest i did not even know what the word meant. secretly i enjoyed dressing up as a girl and feeling like a girl made me excited and it pleased me. i have dressed with woman clothing for sex with men, who wanted me as such, i do shave my body to pleasure tops and when a top asks for a blow job i have never said no even walking about discreetly. I would say all my life i have been 24/7 a sub, to answer correctly to a top fucking i am a virgin! to be fucked? I am a whore! my best attribute is to spread my legs for a men's cocks and i enjoy it!

[ErosWired]

3 hours ago, BBBxCumDumpster said:

Now, bottom and Sub are used pretty my much synonymously.

That’s certainly not universal. There are plenty of bottoms who are not what would be considered submissives in the BDSM lifestyle sense, and plenty of bottoms who are flatly aggressive and forward about their appetites. The submissive mindset simply isn’t there.

For an actual submissive, it may depend on context. Some submissives are full-character submissives who feel a need to submit to dominant males in every sphere of life, and these are the types (actually quite uncommon) who take on the aspect of true slaves. Others, like myself, find that our instinctual submission is limited to our sexuality. Tell me to strip and take your cock and I will obey without hesitation; tell me to eat from a dog bowl and I’ll tell you to go fuck yourself. Hurt me with your cock and I’ll open myself up to take it deeper; hit me it the face and I’ll break your fucking arm. Tell me to say out loud that I’m a faggot whore and I’ll say it; spit in my mouth and I’ll spit in your eye.

In any other walk of life, I grant respect where it is earned, or justly due, and demand the same.

 Ironically, I also view submission as demanding of respect within its context. I believe it is a failure to understand the fundamental nature of power exchange, and the power that submissives wield, that leads to a false conflation with submissives and non-submissive bottoms. A submissive can provide a Top a depth and range of self-expression a non-submissive cannot, even if the submissive has limits.

Within the scope of my submission, am I submissive 24/7? Yes. There is no time at which I would not submit sexually to a male on demand (context-dependent; I would have some hesitation doing so on the spot in the middle of St. Paul’s Cathedral, for instance; there’s a time and a place for things).

[NWUSHorny]

As someone who engaged almost exclusively in casual sex, I almost never hear sub and dom used. Bottom and top seem to be the terms used. At least here. In a casual sex content, a sub is not going to get fucked. You have to be a lot more aggressive to get someone to fuck you than you do to find a bottom to fuck, which makes the sub-bottom concept pretty untenable at least for casual sex. I would go so far as to say unless you are an aggressive power bottom you will get completely ignored at the local sex clubs.

[ErosWired]

8 hours ago, NWUSHorny said:

As someone who engaged almost exclusively in casual sex, I almost never hear sub and dom used. Bottom and top seem to be the terms used. At least here. In a casual sex content, a sub is not going to get fucked. You have to be a lot more aggressive to get someone to fuck you than you do to find a bottom to fuck, which makes the sub-bottom concept pretty untenable at least for casual sex. I would go so far as to say unless you are an aggressive power bottom you will get completely ignored at the local sex clubs.

That must be yet another of the peculiarities of the area you live in - in the places I go, submissives have no problem getting casually fucked. I suppose it could be a function of the relative activeness of a BSDM lifestyle community in a locality that also commingles with the vanillas in casual settings, but I also think that it might be a question of the kind of men who fuck submissives.

It’s not always an overt Dom/sub interaction per se, so much as Tops with certain Dominant characteristics who are drawn to men who seem vulnerable; and submissive men who place themselves in a position to be found by such men, and then submit to the use. That is to say, they’re passively extremely easy for a Top to take, and certain men simply get off on dominating men like that. I can always tell when a Top who’s fucking me is of that kind - there’s no question that he wants to make me submit, even if the words Dom or sub are never used, or even any words at all.

[Webster9]

15 hours ago, BBBxCumDumpster said:

sub doesn't mean without respect or boundaries.

This really speaks to me.  When I'm having sex with someone, I like being the sub and I enjoy having a Dom direct the action and tell me what to do, and I'll go a long way to make him happy, but I also have to have a certain amount of respect and boundaries.

[NWUSHorny]

@ErosWired I admit to being pretty oblivious to the BSDM scene and fetishes in general. Hawks did try hosting Fetish Fridays, getting groups to come in and have a fun night and give workshops on their particular fetish. Many of the groups that participated were in my opinion variations on the dom/sub theme. The one thing they didn't do on those nights was actually fuck each other or any one else at the club. I never asked, but I have always suspected the reason they stopped hosting those events was they couldn't get anyone that wasn't a part of the host group to pay admission (and I think they offered discount admission to members of the group) for what the sluttier regulars quickly started calling No Fuck Fridays.

It's not just a sex thing, but they are legendary for being passive agressive here.

Edited July 28, 2022 by NWUSHorny

[Monorchid]

Your basic premise is over-simplified. Active-passive, sub-dom and top-bottom are three, different, intersecting continua - it's quite possible for someone to be Active-Bottom-Dominant or Passive-Top-Submissive, for example. For me, I'm mostly bottom, fairly active and hover around the neutral of sub-dom. With my partner, I can be a dominant active bottom, or a submissive active bottom depending on our mood. I'm never a passive submissive bottom - that would seem to make me no more than a sex toy, which isn't what we're up for (although I appreciate others go for that...)

Overall, the situation is more complicated than your original question implies.

[Guest]

Ich bin total  sub passiv bottom 

[Pozguyinchi]

I identify as sub. I can’t turn it off. Even in non sexual interactions I am sub. The more dom the man the more sub I am. It’s the true nature of who I am. Every ltr I have been in has been with a dominate man. I seek them out and they seek me out as well. I think it’s important to know your role. Although I couldn’t be anything different really.

[Guest]

On 7/27/2022 at 10:41 AM, ErosWired said:

That’s certainly not universal. There are plenty of bottoms who are not what would be considered submissives in the BDSM lifestyle sense, and plenty of bottoms who are flatly aggressive and forward about their appetites. The submissive mindset simply isn’t there.

For an actual submissive, it may depend on context. Some submissives are full-character submissives who feel a need to submit to dominant males in every sphere of life, and these are the types (actually quite uncommon) who take on the aspect of true slaves. Others, like myself, find that our instinctual submission is limited to our sexuality. Tell me to strip and take your cock and I will obey without hesitation; tell me to eat from a dog bowl and I’ll tell you to go fuck yourself. Hurt me with your cock and I’ll open myself up to take it deeper; hit me it the face and I’ll break your fucking arm. Tell me to say out loud that I’m a faggot whore and I’ll say it; spit in my mouth and I’ll spit in your eye.

In any other walk of life, I grant respect where it is earned, or justly due, and demand the same.

 Ironically, I also view submission as demanding of respect within its context. I believe it is a failure to understand the fundamental nature of power exchange, and the power that submissives wield, that leads to a false conflation with submissives and non-submissive bottoms. A submissive can provide a Top a depth and range of self-expression a non-submissive cannot, even if the submissive has limits.

Within the scope of my submission, am I submissive 24/7? Yes. There is no time at which I would not submit sexually to a male on demand (context-dependent; I would have some hesitation doing so on the spot in the middle of St. Paul’s Cathedral, for instance; there’s a time and a place for things).

This pretty much describes me as well. My submissive character is part of who I am and comes out the strongest sexually. It shows up elsewhere in my life as well but not nearly as strong. 

[bottomvirgin]

Personally for me , it has never been a turn on to want to top . ive always fantasized being on my back , taking a big dick as he talks dirty to me , telling me what a good little slut i am , and how good it feels to use me like a cock sleeve .

[gwmxyz]

In sex I think I might be sub.   Guys have turned me off by being too polite and decent - or too chatty. No-one has ever turned me off by being rude, selfish, bossy or having no common language between us.
While friendly chat can be a problem, bossy one-sided rants are not  - especially if they are it's about their superiority (personally or by type), a bit conspiracy theory-ish, or a bit bonkers in some way. I like being filmed, tied up told what to do. I hate the "what are you into" question. I'd much rather they just knew what they were into and got on with it. I'm far more likely to be into it if they do.
All up to a point, obviously. There can be a bit of a fine line between sex dominance and real mental health worries which aren't.  
Obviously there are lots of exceptions too - everyone's sexy in they're own way.  I'm don't completely writing off the polite, the rational or the considerate.

Like the last comment, I have no desire to top. I see it as like going to the dentist.  The fact that I can do it and even sometimes do, doesn't make that there  is any real desire.

[Guest]

I feel like I have phases. Sometimes I become full sub and am like that for weeks but then I'll switch and become dominant and a top.