Troubled with a married guy

[FlynnRider]

I'm not sure about my feelings. I know him for a couple years, we are working in the same hospital. I first met him some months before the pandemic. He was about to finish his training in General Practice and I was just starting my training in anaesthesiology. At first we barely talked but one day we all went out for a drink (the colleagues) and we returned together (we live pretty close). From that point I felt there was something that wasn't there before. He was very kind with me and supportive. I started to admire for the things he did and he made me try to become better and better. He was struggling to cope with all that workload yet he would always have time to teach me. I believe what attracted me the most was his gentle care for me.He was supportive and tried to be a good teacher even though he didn't have to, it was merely his desire to help. We spent endless hours working together. Sometimes it felt that we're always together, we even slept at the hospital. I am not sure what I feel. I feel a rush when I look at him, that's for sure. When I see his name (when he messages me) I get excited. We have exchanged gifts on some occasions which usually doesn't happen. He messages me every night for some time and when he doesn't he always tries to find a minute to call me or he will tell me in advance that we can't talk tonight. If he wanted "more" I guess he would have claimed it (it's been 2,5 years already). I feel unsure about what he wants. Is it just that? Am I a friend of his? Or does he feel a need to be protective? Or all these in my head? Dunno. He makes me happy, that I know.

[blkboibtm]

Can't tell you whether in reality it's all in your head, but as you have described it def sounds like he has some type of feelings for.  Speaking from personal experience, especially when comes a married man that is curious/confused about about liking another man.  If you were a woman and he was paying attention to you, texting and calling then most people would say that he had a crush on you.  It can hard if your into someone and their not as into you.  I would advise to pull back cuz it's been that long and I doubt at this point it will ever move beyond where it's at.  Having been there with married men that unsure of what they want it i just ends up leaving you hurt on some level.  Be happy, but protect yourself and understand what it is and what it isn't

[BootmanLA]

6 hours ago, FlynnRider said:

I'm not sure about my feelings. I know him for a couple years, we are working in the same hospital. I first met him some months before the pandemic. He was about to finish his training in General Practice and I was just starting my training in anaesthesiology. At first we barely talked but one day we all went out for a drink (the colleagues) and we returned together (we live pretty close). From that point I felt there was something that wasn't there before. He was very kind with me and supportive. I started to admire for the things he did and he made me try to become better and better. He was struggling to cope with all that workload yet he would always have time to teach me. I believe what attracted me the most was his gentle care for me.He was supportive and tried to be a good teacher even though he didn't have to, it was merely his desire to help. We spent endless hours working together. Sometimes it felt that we're always together, we even slept at the hospital. I am not sure what I feel. I feel a rush when I look at him, that's for sure. When I see his name (when he messages me) I get excited. We have exchanged gifts on some occasions which usually doesn't happen. He messages me every night for some time and when he doesn't he always tries to find a minute to call me or he will tell me in advance that we can't talk tonight. If he wanted "more" I guess he would have claimed it (it's been 2,5 years already). I feel unsure about what he wants. Is it just that? Am I a friend of his? Or does he feel a need to be protective? Or all these in my head? Dunno. He makes me happy, that I know.

Your profile indicates absolutely zero about you, so we have literally no context in which to analyze what you're saying. This meaning of this kind of behavior is typically culturally-specific - ie in America, it might mean he's just grateful he has a good buddy, whereas in some other place it might be an indication he's deeply closeted (at least publicly) and has feelings for you. You don't mention where you live, so it could mean anything.

You also don't mention your ages - presumably you're both in your mid-20's, and I'm assuming you are younger, but that's just a guess. Sometimes certain people see others who are younger and in a challenging or demanding field and want to help. Sometimes they see those same individuals and want to jump their bones.

Most importantly, though, you're the only one in a position to find out. You can always ask if it bothers his wife that he's got a male buddy he's this close to. He may open up and give you some clues, or just look at you like "Why would she?" which you could take as a sign he just likes having a close buddy. You're the only one who can find out, though. 

[FlynnRider]

I'm 29 and he's 34. We're from Greece and I think we tend to have buddies (I'm not sure though). I've noticed he spends too much time without his wife. If I were her I would be annoyed. However he likes to show how in love he is with her with cheesy long posts on instagram at birthdays. anniversaries etc. I've given him some hints that I'm gay but I've never actually told him "hey I'M GAY". He has said that he likes my body and I've tried to convince him join me at crossfit. We have also hugged sometimes.

[PozBearWI]

10 hours ago, FlynnRider said:

I'm 29 and he's 34. We're from Greece and I think we tend to have buddies (I'm not sure though). I've noticed he spends too much time without his wife. If I were her I would be annoyed. However he likes to show how in love he is with her with cheesy long posts on instagram at birthdays. anniversaries etc. I've given him some hints that I'm gay but I've never actually told him "hey I'M GAY". He has said that he likes my body and I've tried to convince him join me at crossfit. We have also hugged sometimes.

Why not just initiate an open dialogue.  Be open to any outcome; he might want to continue as friends and if you're good with that, continue as you have been.  Gaining clarity with friends should be a good thing so next time you have a good amount of time; maybe over lunch; bring up the question "what is our relationship?" and let the conversation unfold...

[BlackDude]

Guys already know if they want to fuck or not. Don’t allow him to play games just to boost his ego. They’re are alot of guys into gay baiting, especially at work. They know they can get certain guys to do certain things for them with a little flirting.

If he’s married, and your being clingy, he will eventually make the calculation that spending ti w with you isn’t worth his marriage. 
 

If you want to fuck, be upfront. If he says yes, enjoy the time and let him decide how far he wants to take it. If not, fine, move on and let him enjoy his wife. 

[FlynnRider]

I'd love to bate with him. Get a taste of his cum. I will try to clarify things.

[PozBearWI]

12 minutes ago, FlynnRider said:

I'd love to bate with him. Get a taste of his cum. I will try to clarify things.

Sounds like it is time to have a frank conversation with him and find out for sure.

[Bymike]

To be sure, let him make the first move if any.  If you do and find out he is just a nice caring guy, it will ruin the friendship.

[BootmanLA]

5 hours ago, Bymike said:

To be sure, let him make the first move if any.  If you do and find out he is just a nice caring guy, it will ruin the friendship.

If he waits, he will be waiting forever. If the married guy is interested, he's almost certainly waiting on a signal that it's okay to seek sex from his buddy. If he's not interested, but he's a good friend, he won't be upset about the interest IF it's handled delicately. Of course he shouldn't just try to jump the guy's bones, but there's nothing wrong with saying "I feel like I'm getting mixed signals from you and our friendship, and I don't want to do anything that would mess that up. Are you signaling that you want something a little more than just a buddy? If you just need a closer friend, I'm fine with that, but I don't want to miss something you're trying to convey because you don't know how to put it into words."

[BiPozLoader]

20 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

If he waits, he will be waiting forever. If the married guy is interested, he's almost certainly waiting on a signal that it's okay to seek sex from his buddy. If he's not interested, but he's a good friend, he won't be upset about the interest IF it's handled delicately. Of course he shouldn't just try to jump the guy's bones, but there's nothing wrong with saying "I feel like I'm getting mixed signals from you and our friendship, and I don't want to do anything that would mess that up. Are you signaling that you want something a little more than just a buddy? If you just need a closer friend, I'm fine with that, but I don't want to miss something you're trying to convey because you don't know how to put it into words."

I really like and agree with this. It is up front, not intimidating, and if a good friend, he can only be flattered. If there IS something more he wants to pursue, it is a great space now to move it forward, if only incrementally. I know of married guys who don't want to leave the wife, are happy with their sex life, but are wanting that male energy and male contact. If HE accepts this, he has the perfect person in you to explore. Nothing wrong with being honest that you want more... after a good intro to it. 

[BlackDude]

On 8/17/2022 at 12:57 PM, BootmanLA said:

If he waits, he will be waiting forever. If the married guy is interested, he's almost certainly waiting on a signal that it's okay to seek sex from his buddy. If he's not interested, but he's a good friend, he won't be upset about the interest IF it's handled delicately. Of course he shouldn't just try to jump the guy's bones, but there's nothing wrong with saying "I feel like I'm getting mixed signals from you and our friendship, and I don't want to do anything that would mess that up. Are you signaling that you want something a little more than just a buddy? If you just need a closer friend, I'm fine with that, but I don't want to miss something you're trying to convey because you don't know how to put it into words."

Very tactful way of putting it. I think sometimes gay men hold on to “hope” a little to long. 

[BootmanLA]

1 hour ago, BlackDude said:

Very tactful way of putting it. I think sometimes gay men hold on to “hope” a little to long. 

I think (some) gay men also idealize straight men, or men they *think* are straight but *might* be a bit flexible for them, thinking that such men are somehow better than the run-of-the-mill gay men they know. 

[downtownswallow]

I've stayed away from married men.  I can imagine a scenario where a bi married man might send off some signals that he's available,  but it sounds like this guy has served as a mentor.  His interest may or may not be entirely professional.   I wouldn't want to risk losing the advice and counsel of a genuine mentor simply to get some cum.  There are many men out there that would welcome the attention another gay man can provide.

[Cdm2Bare]

You want the the truth right? Or do you just want a reply that will feel good? The truth as I would give it to a friend. To me it sounds like this individual is just a really damned nice person who obviously considers you a close friend and colleague (at a minimum) but also has some issues with boundaries and being able to put themselves in others emotional shoes to view their social interactions from a bigger perspective outside of just their own. And I don't doubt this person is great as you've described, but maybe they are lacking in EQ (Emotional Intelligence basically). Another thing, lol, this guy can stay away from his chic and text her all the lovey lovey stuff he wants if its working for him lol. Clearly you have different relationship "norms" and aren't overly verbose in the public forum to your partners as your friend is with his... no biggie though. There is no right or wrong. You already respect the guy, respect that he's running his personal life competently and maybe you're just a tad jelly:) As for how to broach the whole attraction topic with him.... totally out of my ballpark. I just have a feeling he's more committed to his girl and job than even you may realize. Don't get hurt and lose the professional connection... go find you a single man friend. Best of luck