Is there hope for a gay guy that loves his brother?

[SilverMoon]

I know incest is a big fetish around the net but for me it's much more complicated. I really need to discuss that but gay guys (I wouldn't dare to ask a str8 person about that) will either say that I'm abnormal or that they want a threesome. Nobody will bother to investigate the emotional part. It's not a fetish or anything similar. I just love him more than words can tell. I'm 26 he's 28. I'm gay and he's str8. We have a very good relationship and we're more attached than most siblings. We live together. We just got back from vacations. We're both singles now so we decided to go on our own. It felt as if we were a couple. I was thinking that I would be so happy if we spent our lives like this. I don't know what to do. I try to repel all these thoughts since I don't know when but this feeling won't fade.

[BootmanLA]

You have two issues here (with possible sub-issues for each), and dealing with them separately will, I think, make more sense.

First, there's the issue of your crush being straight. That's actually not uncommon - gay men have been getting attracted to straight men forever - but it's uncommon (at best) for straight men to respond positively to any overtures in that direction. Sure, a handful of straight men are secure enough that they'd consider it a compliment; and sure, an even larger number of "straight" men may be heteroflexible enough that they consider a mouth is a mouth and a hole is a hole. The majority, though, are going to be squicky about it, if they find out. So as a general rule, unless you know a straight man is very, very secure in his straightness, or unless you have very good reason to believe, if not actual proof, that he's not 100% straight, then keeping your mouth shut is probably best. Good friends are hard to find.

Second, there's the issue of your crush being your brother. You don't say whether your brother knows you're gay or not. If he does, and he's cool enough with that to keep living with you, and hasn't expressed any homophobia, then that's great. That doesn't mean you should confess your crush to him simply because he's comfortable with gay men; he might even be okay with gay men hitting on him, but not his own brother.

All in all, I'm afraid there's virtually no way this turns out well if you confide this to ANYONE who might let it get back to him. That means: no personal identifying information here, or anywhere else you've asked for guidance about this; and if you need someone to help you professionally with this, make sure that your therapist or counselor is bound by confidentiality, as he almost certainly will be.

I feel for you -I really do - but I don't think there's any resolution to this that changes your status quo.

[ErosWired]

I have to concur with @BootmanLA - given the situation as you describe it, it’s hard to picture a scenario in which you could act on your inclination and it end well. Speaking to a counselor or therapist may be helpful in finding ways to move past this potential quagmire in your life and relationship and seek fulfilling relationships that are achievable, sustainable and realistic.

[hntnhole]

Unfortunately, I must agree with BootmanLA & ErosWired.  If you make your innermost feelings known to your brother, there's a chance you could lose everything with him.  There's also a chance, however slim, that he could feel the same.  You say he's straight; do you know this to be fact?  What, exactly, has he said on the subject? Does he go out with (and presumably fuck) girls?  Do you go out with boys, and he knows you do?

You are enjoying a wonderful relationship with your brother right now.  If he knows you're gay (that isn't exactly clear in your post), and accepts / loves you despite your sexuality, then you've already got a rare and treasured event in your life.  Only you can weigh the potential outcomes if you share your thoughts and desires with him.  Only you can decide to either accept and enjoy the relationship you already have, or roll the dice and gamble on the whole enchilada.  

Our very best wishes go out to you, and I hope you keep us apprised.

[tighthole64]

Have to occur with what others have said! Personally I'd suggest you NOT make the first move.  Perhaps subtle "hints" like having him."accidently" see you naked, like when getting out of shower.  See how he reacts.   

I'm assuming he knows you are gay, but has he ever discussed that with you? If he has IA he cool with it?  If so, I'd say the incest part is the main issue.  

Keep us updated on what transpires!

[pervinmt]

Definitely talk to a counselor about this. I'm the first to admit that incest porn is one of my biggest turn-ons, but this is reality. You obviously don't want to endanger your special relationship, but if you don't resolve your inner issues it could cripple you in many ways, like in actually finding a real romantic relationship 

[SilverMoon]

@BootmanLAI know it's a hard thing to discuss and pretty impossible to be discussed to friends. It's that kind of info that you just can't risk. I won't take my chances. But this is an anon forum and even if I had my full name and photo I doubt any of my "friends" would be here.

My brother knows 'm gay.  He figured on his own in a strange way when I was 16. He knew for several months he didn't know what to do (he thought weird things about me) and he had distanced himself. It felt weird too because he was overthinking all that period. And one day he told me he knows I'm gay (he hard overheard a fight with my then bf). Plus, that time a father had beaten to death in our country his son for being gay. He told me that he was thinking about that and he said he's nothing like that. He only said that he worries about me, he wants me to take care and always ask him. In time he was very cool with that he knew all my bfs. He will even say oh I'm sure u will like that guy.

He's an open minded guy. Maybe me being gay pushed him not to be narrow minded. He's a musician and I always took these people to be cooler about these things (that's my theory). He's caring and loving towards me. He likes being dominant (he's the older brother) and I like to prove myself so that keeps us very close. We sleep together from time to time. He has called me a jealous kitten because I'm not very happy when he's too busy (but I try not to show it)

He has asked me several things about sex. I'm not sure he wants to know. He's making the question but the answer is too much for him sometimes. I avoid bringing men to the house and he has told me that it's okay and that he wants me to be safe and he's worried I may look at dangerous places to have sex (if the other guy can't accomondate or even if the other guy is not dangerous). Maybe it's blurred in his mind? Gay guy want to fuck/be fucked not kill anyone or something. He says that if anything happens to me he will never forgive himself.

[garsento]

I should note that while your brother does sound supportive, nothing of what you describe suggests he might be open to that.

This fantasy is potentially very destructive if you act upon it. It might only be realizable if he made the first move. Even then, this is so emotionally charged territory that things might explode even after initial success.

Don't do it is my recommendation.

[SilverMoon]

2 hours ago, garsento said:

I should note that while your brother does sound supportive, nothing of what you describe suggests he might be open to that.

This fantasy is potentially very destructive if you act upon it. It might only be realizable if he made the first move. Even then, this is so emotionally charged territory that things might explode even after initial success.

Don't do it is my recommendation.

open to "being with me" or to me "being gay"?

I have no reason to believe that we could be a couple. I do know for a fact that he loves me and he likes to interfere with my decisions and be in charge. Not that this could mean anything beyond that. Sometimes I dated older guys (in their 40s) and he was furious. Older guys are a red flag for him. He believes they will hurt me. But he's very ok with guys my age. When I wass 17  he had given me money to go to the movies with my bf several times.

However I feel he likes to "dominate" me. I believe he feels threatened by older guys bcz he wants him to be the more experienced guy/my mentor or something. He hates the idea that I'm surrendered to an older's man dick. Not that he wants to fuck me. He wants me to dominate and not be dominated and if I'm to be under a man's wings it's his wings. I thiink that's what is in his mind. I'm notsure if I make sense.

[hntnhole]

Sure it makes sense.  The more you share with us, the more I wonder if he couldn't use a little chat with a counsellor too.  Sounds like he wants to exert quite a bit of control over your life, without cementing that privilege in a sexual way.  I'm guessing he's working his way through what must - to him - be a wholly confusing situation.  

While we don't know what kind of cultural situation you two are living in, he may be completely at sea, trying to care for you, love you in his way, and shield you from the attention of others that may "use" you, and then discard you.  We still don't know if he's fucking women yet .... and that would impact the bent of at least my response.

[BootmanLA]

1 hour ago, SilverMoon said:

However I feel he likes to "dominate" me. I believe he feels threatened by older guys bcz he wants him to be the more experienced guy/my mentor or something. He hates the idea that I'm surrendered to an older's man dick. Not that he wants to fuck me. He wants me to dominate and not be dominated and if I'm to be under a man's wings it's his wings. I thiink that's what is in his mind. I'm notsure if I make sense.

That could be the case. It also could be that he's simply protective - not that he wants to "dominate" you, but you're his younger brother, and he may see you as vulnerable.

And while there's nothing inherently wrong with an age gap between consenting adults, "adult" is a loosely defined term in that context. Legally, one might be an adult at 18; but one might not "mentally" be fully adult and capable of protecting one's own interests until one is a good bit older. Some men never become adults in that sense.

I've known a number of same-sex relationships where there was a 20-year or more age gap between the partners. I'm in one myself (well, 19 years' difference). But there's a big difference between partners who are 38 and 18, and partners who are 50 and 30. The younger one, in the second case, is much more likely to, as we say, "have his shit together" and not be as vulnerable to exploitation.

So it may be that your brother is simply wanting to protect you from exploitation rather than trying to dominate you. Or it could be some of both. 

[SilverMoon]

13 hours ago, hntnhole said:

Sure it makes sense.  The more you share with us, the more I wonder if he couldn't use a little chat with a counsellor too.  Sounds like he wants to exert quite a bit of control over your life, without cementing that privilege in a sexual way.  I'm guessing he's working his way through what must - to him - be a wholly confusing situation.  

While we don't know what kind of cultural situation you two are living in, he may be completely at sea, trying to care for you, love you in his way, and shield you from the attention of others that may "use" you, and then discard you.  We still don't know if he's fucking women yet .... and that would impact the bent of at least my response.

I'm not sure he would be positive towards counselling. He wants to know what I'm doing. He won't prevent me from something but he just wants to know. I can't understand what's so difficult for him about gay sex. It's like these people who watch a horror movie and at the same time they close their eyes? Sometimes I think that he just needs to be exposed to details so as to understand that it's not a big deal. He's fucking a lot from time to time. I believe there are periods that he's almost crazy about sex and others he's more naive.

 

13 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

That could be the case. It also could be that he's simply protective - not that he wants to "dominate" you, but you're his younger brother, and he may see you as vulnerable.

And while there's nothing inherently wrong with an age gap between consenting adults, "adult" is a loosely defined term in that context. Legally, one might be an adult at 18; but one might not "mentally" be fully adult and capable of protecting one's own interests until one is a good bit older. Some men never become adults in that sense.

I've known a number of same-sex relationships where there was a 20-year or more age gap between the partners. I'm in one myself (well, 19 years' difference). But there's a big difference between partners who are 38 and 18, and partners who are 50 and 30. The younger one, in the second case, is much more likely to, as we say, "have his shit together" and not be as vulnerable to exploitation.

So it may be that your brother is simply wanting to protect you from exploitation rather than trying to dominate you. Or it could be some of both. 

I was looking for the right word but I couldn't pick one. So maybe not dominate but something less intense. He's very protective. Some years ago our father passed and he tried to be the "leader". Of course I didn't let all that burden on his shoulders. I made sure that he knows we're a team and we support each other. He enjoys being in charge. He also "listens" to me. There was a small period that he was often drunk. He's a musician and he sings (he's kinda known, not a celebrity but many know who he is). I felt that would be bad for him and his art. I was tempted to touch him when drunk. I think I've never been tempted that much in my life. I didn't touch him. But I told him that if I smell alcohol from his breath I will be sad and he just stopped it. Not drunk and no excessive drinking.

[Guest]

Thank you for your honesty.
And Yes: There is hope for you - but I don't think it's in a way you'd want it to be in this chapter of your life.

Reading the entire thread I agree with everything @BootmanLA and  @ErosWired are saying, and some of the things @hntnhole is saying make sense as well.

I'll ad to their comments that it's probably much more common to have romantic and sexual feelings for a sibling than most people would like to admit. And I wish you luck, hoping you'll take their advice about finding counseling of some sort to grow into the strong and loving man you already are.

 

 

[Close2MyBro]

I wish I could give you a sure-fire solution to the situation you're in, but every situation is unique. I have a 'relationship' of sorts with my older brother. We've never been closer since, so please don't let the family aspect discourage you, but as for the rest of it, I really can't give you any meaningful advice as you really need to weigh all the variables and make your own judgments as to if/when to act, and how to approach it.

[Man4manplay]

I think I posted in another similar subject, my best friend brother moved with him during the pandemic. They started to act weird and because I am his best friend he confessed that he and his brother had a consensual sexual relationship and he considered him his boyfriend. I said that as long as they are ok with it, they are two adults and I wouldn't judge them.