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What am I doing here?


cuminfrombehind
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I'm sort of in a confused, yet curious state of mind, and it's lingered for many years and now I need to understand what or why.

A little background...  straight (i think), married 20 years, pretty good shape, loved pussy my entire life.
Before we married, my wife introduced me to anal play, and I loved it.
She rode my hard cock with her ass, or she would employ a variety of toys on my hole..
Something about the way it feels to be opened...  
One time she even applied vapo rub on the ends of a double dildo, slid one end in my ass and the other in hers and we grinded out ass cheeks against each other for an hour.
Still, during those times, I felt strictly hetro, gay or bi sex never entered my thoughts.
After a few years we married, and suddenly all the ass play seemed to go away, she was not into it anymore. I kept a few dildo's around, and the times when I had to travel for work, they kept me company.
Then a few years ago, I watched a video or two featuring guys with absolutely beautiful, big, hard, throbbing cocks, and how they dominated women's asses and pussies and the curious side of me started browsing gay bareback videos and i was mesmerized and hard as a fucking piece of iron. I probably watched 200 video clips that day, with a nice fat buttplug in me, and came all over myself...  
I started tasting my cum, and found i liked it.
I started having fantasies of finding myself in certain situations when I am confronted with a huge hard cock and having to decide what to do about it.
Nowadays, I think of cock all the time.. every day, and I wonder what it would feel like, taste like.... I get incredibly stiff just thinking about it and a tell myself I wish I could experience just once in my life what it would feel like being filled, stretched and fucked silly. I don't want to be a bitch, and I am not romantically or physically attracted to men, not at all.
Just cock.
I wouldn't even know how or where to have such an encounter.
And as a newbie here, reading some of the content here, there is a real concern of coming across the wrong person with the wrong cock and learning about aids or std's the hard way.
All I want is to have one beautiful, incredible, unique experience where for a few hours I actually live the life of a feminized, slutty, horny as fuck cock slut, being teased, encouraged, forced, coerced, whatever, to suck and be fucked by a delicious large, throbbing cock full of hot cream.

Ugghh,
Why do I feel this way? How do I stop thinking about cock? 
What am I missing in regards to COCK???

Please advise, trying to sort this out.

Thanks

 

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First off, human sexuality is a spectrum and it evolves and changes as we age and go through different life circumstances.  That's normal natural and proven by research.  

 

It seems like you are overly concerned with labels and butting yourself into one type of box or another.  If you absolutely must have a label I would call you a heteroromantic bisexual.  That is you have romantic feelings for women and want to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh from both.  That's totally fine and normal.  

 

Also understand you are searching for material that is close enough to what you are missing in your own sex lives.  It may be that you are just starving for that kind of stimulation, that you know a hard throbbing cock would give you, and that's as far as that goes.  

 

Advice - have a frank Convo with your wife.  Tell her you miss that type of adventurous play.   See if she does as well, and if there is anything you can do to facilitate her desire again - extra dishes a couple of nights a week, or a spa day before hand, or just time away from the kids.   Go rent a room!   Get in the jacuzzi. Massage her and see if that helps.  

 

If she truly says she is done with that kind of play, you should ask her if she would be into pleasuring you once or twice a month to get that satisfaction.  A la a handjob with toys or something that she can do for you or to you without her having to engage explicitly herself.  If she is not into that, then there are fairly limited options after that - space for you to do it by yourself in the house a couple of times a month, a hall pass to go outside of your (assuming) monogamous relationship, or cheating.  Because if you've reached this part of the internet the urge is strong enough that you will eventually need that scratch to be itched.   

This is, in my opinion, bordering on sexual incompatibility if you don't sort it out and it will ruin your relationship if you don't.  

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Thanks for the responses.
A convo with her will have to happen in another time and place. Yes, I do miss the fun her and I had, but I am a different person now and I find myself harder and more often when cock comes to mind. I've had my share of a lot of pussy, and my occupation has me in charge of people and things...
It's almost like I want to remove myself from that world temporarily and completely submit to cock..
So confused, lol

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On 9/26/2022 at 4:51 PM, cuminfrombehind said:

Nowadays, I think of cock all the time.. every day, and I wonder what it would feel like, taste like.... I get incredibly stiff just thinking about it and a tell myself I wish I could experience just once in my life what it would feel like being filled, stretched and fucked silly. I don't want to be a bitch, and I am not romantically or physically attracted to men, not at all.
Just cock.

Another designation other than gay or bi that has gained traction in the last few years is MSM - Men who have Sex with other Men. There's nothing about love or attraction. It's purely about the sex. There are a number of men on this site who are married to women who enjoy having sex with men and share those experiences.

I knew I was gay at 5, have never dated nor had sex with a woman, and have no intention of ever doing so, so I can't be of much help to you from that perspective. Although I do have a theory that men can more easily separate sex from love than women can. So just because a man has sex with someone else doesn't mean that he doesn't love the person he's with. Only you can decide for yourself whether it's cheating if you get fucked by a man (as opposed to you fucking someone else).

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A couple of things here:

First, you have lived a heterosexual lifestyle up until this point, and seem to indicate that prior to the anal play you were satisfied and content with that. Ask yourself, and be honest with yourself in answering - at any point in your life before this did you experience any interest or curiosity about men’s bodies or sexuality? Did you ever have any thought at all about what it would be like to do something sexual with another male? Was there ever an actual incident in which you had any kind of sexual contact with another male in the past? If the truthful answer to all this is no, then it would seem unlikely that you are a ‘closet’ homosexual or even necessarily a bisexual.

Second, pleasure from anal stimulation is universal to all humans and has nothing to do with sexual orientation. We evolved a pleasure response to something moving through the anus to encourage the necessary function of defecation when it becomes necessary; if it were painful we might resist doing it, or if we felt nothing we might ignore it, to the detriment of our health. So it would be odd if you didn’t take some pleasure in the stimulation at some level, and doing so doesn’t mean you’re suddenly gay.

Third, remember that you’re watching pornographic representations of anal sex. Porn is notoriously not a true and accurate depiction of real sex. It is made to sensationalize the acts and make them more extreme, explicit and extravagant, using models (one is reluctant to employ the term actors) with attributes incomparable to the vast majority of the general populace. Temper your expectations accordingly.

Fourth, beware. You are curious, but in trying it with an actual male you may find that you don’t like it. Also, beware - you may find that you do. In the first case, you may be disappointed, and it might be advisable that you start with something less than an abject surrender to the world of assfucking - wade before you dive. In the second case, there are multiple perils. Cocks are like potato chips; if you like them there’s no way you can stop with just one. Making a habit of them requires accepting certain risks, including the inevitable occasional STD.

More importantly, however, you must consider the risk to your marriage and the relationship with your wife. It may be that in order to preserve what you have, you may have to let this curiosity remain an unanswered question. In some marriages, such a dual sexuality is possible; in mine it was not, and I lost mine. Tread most carefully. Decide what you’re willing to sacrifice for a cock up your ass before you take it.

Edited by ErosWired
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5 hours ago, cuminfrombehind said:

Thanks for the responses.
A convo with her will have to happen in another time and place. Yes, I do miss the fun her and I had, but I am a different person now and I find myself harder and more often when cock comes to mind. I've had my share of a lot of pussy, and my occupation has me in charge of people and things...
It's almost like I want to remove myself from that world temporarily and completely submit to cock..
So confused, lol

I think it would be a mistake to put it off for to long.  Besides, you seen to think that life is getting in the way of you sexually exploring.  While they can sometimes be true in the case of new babies, illness in the family requiring you to care for them, or other major life events, if it's just work, dude with will always be there.  What you do in the bedroom has nothing to do with you managing people.  Find some time to have that Convo. 

 

And I would also push back on the idea that you are a different man.  Well maybe you are. But clearly your desires are similar or the same.  

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I just want to point out that thing  trapped in fantasy are easy to obsess over. And as it has been brought up, born is an inaccurate depiction of sex. Full stop.  Just like any movie,  actors, directors, choreographers  all make what you see on screen so  very easy. the reality is that its not. Fluffers, drugs, shot angles, props, makeup, starting, Stopping. there is a lot going on there. 

So yes, do your best to separate the fantasy sold to you, and your own expectations. Talk to your wife. and go slow. you also can never have enough lube!

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On 9/26/2022 at 4:51 PM, cuminfrombehind said:

I am not romantically or physically attracted to men, not at all.

All I want is to have one beautiful, incredible, unique experience where for a few hours I actually live the life of a feminized, slutty, horny as fuck cock slut, being teased, encouraged, forced, coerced, whatever, to suck and be fucked by a delicious large, throbbing cock full of hot cream.

I do miss the fun her and I had, but I am a different person now and I find myself harder and more often when cock comes to mind. 

Cock is sorta like potato chips: you can't eat just one.

Homosexuality is sexual attraction to the same sex, bisexuality is sexual attraction to both sexes. I'd say you are the latter at this point. Neither has "romance" as a necessary component.  

i do question whether you are experiencing some denial?   "Cocks" don't "tease, encourage, force or coerce." There is a man connected to and expressing those energies,  which you are expressing attraction to. To me, you seem more conflicted than "confused."  You want more than anal stimulation, and you want a man vs a woman performing it. 

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1 hour ago, tallslenderguy said:

Cock is sorta like potato chips: you can't eat just one.

I think it’s hilarious that I said the exact same thing two posts earlier. Some truths are universal. Or maybe we’re both just that hungry for cock right now… 😉

I’m not sure I concur with your assessment of the OP as wanting his stimulation from a man vs a woman, however, on the basis of what he has written. By his narrative, it sounds as if the impetus behind this has been that his wife has lost interest in the practice; had she not, he would likely have continued with the status quo and not been exposed to the exaggerated depictions in gay porn. He should ask himself if it would change his feeling, or mollify his curiosity, if his wife were to agree to resume that type of play. I don’t think telling him he’s conflicted, if he actually isn’t, does him a service, and an inclination to do so may be more of a projection on our part as men who would have that dual nature ourselves. He might be - but I don’t think his narrative necessarily supports it.

Edited by ErosWired
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On 9/26/2022 at 7:51 PM, cuminfrombehind said:

All I want is to have one beautiful, incredible, unique experience

If you actually believe that, you're not kidding anyone but yourself, and certainly no one here on this site.  The potato chip reference above is, of course, true, but it applies exponentially to men that realize they want/need Cock.  

You're standing at a crossroads in your life, bud.  Decision time is at hand.  I see you're in So California; there have to be plenty of resources in your area if you decide to get some professional help in making your decision.  Alternatively, there's almost certainly plenty of that which seems to be festering in your mind.  

Whatever choices you make, do your utmost to be as kind as possible to your partner.  She could be emotionally damaged if substantial care is not taken as you navigate through this interesting time.  

Good luck.

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On 9/26/2022 at 7:51 PM, cuminfrombehind said:

Why do I feel this way? How do I stop thinking about cock? 
What am I missing in regards to COCK???

It doesn't sound like this has anything to do with being gay or straight, at least not to me. It sounds like you're curious and need to experiment to find out what you've been missing. You said your wife introduced you to anal play - maybe have a talk with her and let her know what you've been craving. Do you think she'd be down to watch you get railed by a big dicked service top? Maybe the two of you can chase cock together.

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On 9/27/2022 at 5:04 PM, cuminfrombehind said:

“ I'vehad my share of a lot of pussy, and my occupation has me in charge of people and things...
It's almost like I want to remove myself from that world temporarily and completely submit to cock..“

 

The above is a big tell. There is the trope of those in power seeking to relinquish their power and ultimately be the sexually submissive one… It’s what you’re looking for:  “remove myself from that world temporarily.”   I can relate to a certain extent. At work, I’m in charge and call the shots but in the “bedroom” I’m the opposite. As others have said… sexuality is a spectrum and you seem to have moved along it. You need to examine your feelings and work through them.  

Edited by badjujuboy
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On 9/26/2022 at 8:36 PM, Bbpally said:

First off, human sexuality is a spectrum and it evolves and changes as we age and go through different life circumstances.  That's normal natural and proven by research.  

 

It seems like you are overly concerned with labels and butting yourself into one type of box or another.  If you absolutely must have a label I would call you a heteroromantic bisexual.  That is you have romantic feelings for women and want to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh from both.  That's totally fine and normal.  

 

Also understand you are searching for material that is close enough to what you are missing in your own sex lives.  It may be that you are just starving for that kind of stimulation, that you know a hard throbbing cock would give you, and that's as far as that goes.  

 

Advice - have a frank Convo with your wife.  Tell her you miss that type of adventurous play.   See if she does as well, and if there is anything you can do to facilitate her desire again - extra dishes a couple of nights a week, or a spa day before hand, or just time away from the kids.   Go rent a room!   Get in the jacuzzi. Massage her and see if that helps.  

 

If she truly says she is done with that kind of play, you should ask her if she would be into pleasuring you once or twice a month to get that satisfaction.  A la a handjob with toys or something that she can do for you or to you without her having to engage explicitly herself.  If she is not into that, then there are fairly limited options after that - space for you to do it by yourself in the house a couple of times a month, a hall pass to go outside of your (assuming) monogamous relationship, or cheating.  Because if you've reached this part of the internet the urge is strong enough that you will eventually need that scratch to be itched.   

This is, in my opinion, bordering on sexual incompatibility if you don't sort it out and it will ruin your relationship if you don't.  

I totally agree with the quoted post, concerning labels. Labels are good and bad I personally don’t accept them, first and foremost I’m me and I will like a lot of different things and some may contradict each other but fuck it right?

 Now you should know your wife, do you think she’d be interested in you being with another man? Even if she says yes partially prepare yourself for possible fallout. For some there down until it actually happens and insecurities they weren’t aware could bubble to the surface. Not saying it will happen but it could and that could potentially wreck your relationship as surely as if you cheated ( which I don’t advocate). Now there’s the possibility that this could really enrich your live life. Also if she agrees go get on Prep that way your bases are covered.

 Wish you the best of luck

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 9/26/2022 at 6:51 PM, cuminfrombehind said:


All I want is to have one beautiful, incredible, unique experience where for a few hours I actually live the life of a feminized, slutty, horny as fuck cock slut, being teased, encouraged, forced, coerced, whatever, to suck and be fucked by a delicious large, throbbing cock full of hot cream

That’s kind of a tall order for a first experience. Maybe ease in a little. I’m not sure if asking for a dominant top to feminize you is the best idea for your first time. Maybe I’m wrong but I bottom a lot and when I unknowingly end up with an ultra dominant top its kinda rough for me. 
If you are truly at a point where you can’t stop thinking about it and it’s troubling you you may need to experiment and see. Maybe as others have said you can try to fulfill this need with your wife. Talk about how you’d like to introduce some of the anal play back in. If she seems open to it ask her to peg you. Tell her you have a fantasy if her pegging you and dominating you like you want to be. Maybe if she is open to it it will fulfill your needs 

I would say if you do ending up needing to try it maybe just ease in a bit less. Maybe say your looking for more of a versatile guy to to help you discover yourself. He will certainly top you and fulfill your needs and maybe even help you see if you like other things as well. If it turns out it was for you  absolutely go for the dominate my ass make me your cockslut if that’s your inner desire still. I would just be a little scared of setting up a meeting with a guy stating you want to be dominanted and forced into being a cock slut and when he pulls his dick out to give you what you want you find out it’s not your thing and now your in a weird spot there. 
keep in mind that like people are saying you may open a can of worms and be hooked. If you think your thinking about cock a lot now wait til you have one. I really had no interest in cock at all before the first time a guy had me suck his and wow did that change me. They are very addictive. 
good luck. 

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