Nephew Came Out

[NWUSHorny]

I would probably let your nephew know that you are there for him, and that he can always come for an extended visit. Getting him a phone and plan that is separate from the family is a good idea, but not sure that the iPad meets that need.

Unless your nephew actually wants to uproot himself and move 900 miles, you can't force him. I also fully understand that he may not want to give up the truck he has purchased, potentially damaging his credit just when he needs it most. As long as his grandparents are letting him stay with them, my personal opinion is he has to do the rest on his own terms. Just be there for him if he needs you.

[ErosWired]

9 hours ago, hntnhole said:

I'm not familiar with Southern tradition, but helping out a 19 year old nephew when he's in a tough spot doesn't mean "taking him to raise" to non-Southerners.  That implies him being a minor, which he isn't.  It's entirely reasonable that a colloquialism might mean different things in different parts of the country, but he's reached his majority now, and needs a helping hand, not a place to "grow up" in.  Offer him the first, but not the second.  

If you believe he’s “all grown up”, I have to assume that you have not actually raised a child to adulthood and helped that young person navigate the threshold between legal adulthood and actual maturity. The two are absolutely not the same thing.

I’ve ushered two through this stage for the last five years. It’s been a rough row to hoe, and they’re both good kids, but neither was ready to meet the world head-on at 19. I also watched my nephew follow a somewhat similar trajectory that the OP describes from his late teen years, through coming out in a rural Southern community, getting into drugs, and trying to transplant to an urban setting - it didn’t go well - to put it mildly - so I know what can happen if the situation isn’t handled with great care and sensitivity.

My ex teaches undergraduates at one of the state universities and tells me that what they’re finding is that, consistently, the incoming generation coming in at 19 is not ready.

Yes, the colloquialism does mean something different, and no, it does not necessarily imply a minor. It refers to taking holistic responsibility for ensuring another person’s wellbeing, becoming personally involved in that person’s life. Just giving the kid a place to crash while he’s left to sort the rest out for himself in an environment unlike anything he’s ever known without the knowledge, skills, or street sense to succeed isn’t just unwise - it courts calamity.

[hntnhole]

7 minutes ago, ErosWired said:

but he's reached his majority now, and needs a helping hand, not a place to "grow up" in.

I realize I'm quoting myself here.  How the above phrase translated into:

 

8 minutes ago, ErosWired said:

If you believe he’s “all grown up”, I have to assume that you have not actually raised a child to adulthood and helped that young person navigate the threshold between legal adulthood and actual maturity. The two are absolutely not the same thing.

is beyond me.  Of course there's nothing remotely similar.

[RawSubDad]

Young people flee rural settings for cities voluntarily so often that rural communities populations are collapsing. He’ll do fine in a city, he’s likely been counting the days until he can leave.  If it’s me, I’m helping him in every possible way I can while still helping the young man’s development.  His father abdicated his responsibility so has also given up his moral right to parental control irrespective of any legal rights or obligations.  Fuck that idiot father…but be prepared for the potential family backlash.

I’m still confused about the truck loan issue. If you invite him, you don’t assume an obligation to guarantee the loan. If he stays with you and can’t keep the truck, then so be it. He’ll have gained the emotional and financial support and stability that is critical in his situation. By critical, literally his life and future wellbeing are hanging in the balance. Absent stability and love, it would be miraculous if he could survive to become a well adjusted contributing member of society. It’s far more likely that he’d end up with a criminal record, no job prospects, a (shorter) life of sex work and addiction…or all of the above. Love him  and support him brother, give him all ya got.

[sthrnguy]

I appreciate all the advice guys.  He is safe with my parents for right now, but he also knows that if he needs to leave, it can be arranged within an hour and that he is welcome here.

[ejaculaTe]

A practical observation about the truck.... If he moves to the OP's city, is he going to need a car? As a practical matter, it being America, the odds are pretty good that he will need a set of wheels. We also don't know in whose name the truck is titled and how many months are left on the car loan. And has anyone priced used cars recently? The kid may just be better off keeping the truck.

Two other thoughts: (1) Is he in significant danger of losing his job at the family business? (Someone mentioned employment discrimination. Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act applies to employers who have 15 or more employees.) (2) A phone is a better idea than an iPad or Android tablet. A tablet will require a wifi connection which can be a source of aggravation. Get a prepaid plan as well. 

It's a miserable situation for him and for you. Every decision you make has some chance of blowing up; there are no guarantees in this. That you and your partner are willing to accept the moral responsibility for the kid speaks volumes. I wish you, your partner, and your nephew the best of luck. Always remember that the collective wisdom of the BZ hive is always here for you....

[SFCumdog]

900 miles away is exactly what he needs right now. Damn the consequences and help the poor kid out. Every day he stays put there endangers him further. He can always sell the truck if its in his name. If not, and its in the dad's name, dump it on him with the same disregard he did for the son, and then he can get on with his life. And as to job experience, at least he has some no matter what the family company is. Everyone is hard up for good hard workers these days. He'll find something.

[hntnhole]

On 10/11/2022 at 1:43 AM, ejaculaTe said:

If he moves to the OP's city, is he going to need a car?

That city in question appears to be (from the OP's profile) Milwaukee - the largest metropolitan area in Wisconsin, with at least half a million residents in the city alone.  While every guy wants his own vehicle, there's plenty of public transit in Wisconsin's largest metro area.  I think the nephew has other fish to fry before assuming the cost of making payments, gas, insurance, etc on a  vehicle, and he's damn fortunate to have our poster ready to help him out when he needs it most.  Unless he decides to wing it in his current location (unknown to me), where he probably will need transportation, I still think making payments on a truck* is less productive than some utilitarian transportation the nephew can use while he gets some terra firma under his boots, regardless where he lands.  

*we don't know how new it is, what the displacement is and thus how thirsty, but a small high-mileage car would have to be less scratch to come up with every month.  

[JamesL100]

Another issue is timescale. The emergency when the nephew was homeless seems to have passed. Maybe the nephew can get through the winter at his grandparents and in spring he will be another 6 months older. His friends might have found a better, local solution. He might have a bf to move in with. Maybe things won't work out with grandparents. Or the option of moving hundreds miles to live with the OP for a fresh start will be appealing. Give it some time and a better/right solution often becomes obvious.

[sthrnguy]

Trust me, my nephew will never be homeless.  He knows that we will take him in at any time if it’s needed, but that means he has to cut strings with his life there, just as I did.  Not that we’d force him, just that it’s the only way he can be who he is.  I know from personal experience.  Unfortunately, after a quarter of a century, I’m being dragged back into it (family business) even though I fled 900 miles to get away.

Edited October 15, 2022 by sthrnguy
Clarify

[hntnhole]

13 hours ago, sthrnguy said:

Unfortunately, after a quarter of a century, I’m being dragged back

Sorry to know this, sthrnguy.  Hopefully some other arrangement can find it's way to the decision-maker(s).  

[NWUSHorny]

14 hours ago, sthrnguy said:

 He knows that we will take him in at any time if it’s needed, but that means he has to cut strings with his life there, just as I did.  Not that we’d force him,

I'm glad you are there for him, and aren't trying to force him.  This has to be his decision. Unless the drug and alcohol abuse, that you mentioned, becomes a major problem he will be better off finding his own path. That doesn't mean you shouldn't offer to help, just that you should be prepared to take no for an answer under most circumstances.

[PozBearWI]

On 10/14/2022 at 9:57 PM, sthrnguy said:

Trust me, my nephew will never be homeless.  He knows that we will take him in at any time if it’s needed, but that means he has to cut strings with his life there, just as I did.  Not that we’d force him, just that it’s the only way he can be who he is.  I know from personal experience.  Unfortunately, after a quarter of a century, I’m being dragged back into it (family business) even though I fled 900 miles to get away.

Nice months have passed, how has this evolved @sthrnguy?