Friends With Benefits

[Treehugger]

I was thinking about my friends and realized I don’t have any straight or female friends and I have had sex with all my gay friends. I was wondering how common this is with the BZ crowd. 
     I will be doing my twice yearly pilgrimage across country soon and will visit a dozen buddies along the way. I won’t be sleeping on the couch. 
     I have tried to have platonic gay friends in the past (only managed it once a long time ago). Now seems like the sex always comes first then the friendship. 
     Almost all my gay friends were met at bookstores, sex parties and bathhouses. The one friend I have who was not from one of those places, Tim, was introduced to me by my friend I met at a bathhouse. 
     Fifteen minutes after the introduction we were blowing each when my friend said I should show off my cock. Tim then took me home to meet his husband who fucked me. 
     I enjoy how easy sex is between and for gay men. 

[BootmanLA]

I wouldn't know whether your experience is typical or not, but I would assume it's not. 

I've got plenty of friends - gay men, straight men, women - with whom I've never had sex. Now it's true that I would happily have sex with quite a few of the gay men I'm friends with, but there's no interest reciprocated, and that's fine.

What your post suggests to me is that you are only willing to be friends with people who put out and in whom you have a sexual interest. Which, if it works for you, is fine - I just would find it sad to be so limited. 

[NWUSHorny]

The majority of my friends are not friends with benefits. That said, I have occasionally developed friends with benefits situations with both men and women, but they are a distinct minority of my friendships.

[hntnhole]

Before responding, allow me to refine the definitions a bit:

I think of someone as a "friend" when I feel close to them, they feel close to me, the friendship exists on a deeper level than - oh, say - fuckbuddies.  There is mutual respect on varying levels with a friend.  A friend can call me when they need something, knowing I'll respond to whatever the situation is, and that's mutual.  Thus, by my definition, I have relatively few "friends".  I've shared sex with a couple of these over the years, but not by design (usually, they were at the same fuckjoint as I was, and it just kinda sorta of happened).

I think of many acquaintances as "casual" friends - guys I like, who don't seem to mind me, sharing things in common, but not on all that deep a level.  If I needed something, I'd call one of my "friends", not one of these more casual 'friends'.  I'm active in several areas of interest and in some groups that share the same interest (cars, horticulture, politics, etc) and sure - I've fucked a number of them.  But I don't necessarily consider them "friends".  One of my neighbors who I consider in the second arena walked up behind me in the bar and whispered in my ear "I just knew you're a pig".  We've worked together on neighborhood issues, stuff like that, and he's a friendly acquaintance.  I've worked closely with a gay friend on political stuff and we've never even mentioned sex.  

So yeah, I've shared sex with a few friends, but it's not something I court.  It's not tough to find Holes to Breed in - and good friends don't just grow on trees either.

[bbzh]

I wonder if we as a society define the words "friend" and "friendly" correctly. By definition, a friend is a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations. Friendly simply means "kind and pleasant". I'm friendly to a lot of people who I am not friends with. If I only meet someone for sex, I don't consider them a friend, but a casual acquaintance. 

I would say about half of my gay friendships were initiated through sex. I wish I had more gay friends. But it's tough because we as gays tend to screen people out based on their preferred sexual position and our perception of their overall level of attractiveness. I've probably missed out on many deep, life changing experiences because of how I perceived someone's photos and how they presented themselves 🤔. Kinda sad.

[PozTalkAuthor]

For us guys, it's more difficult to keep sex out of our social relationships -at least talking about it- or craving to go further, and in some cases go further too; I know many straight guys who do not think a male-female friendship can exist, because sex might be involved... But it's THEIR problem; experience does not make statistic, but I can talk for myself - I have always considered myself bisexual, despite I prefer male on male sex; but my best female friend is almost a sister, we do not have sexual intercorses. Sometimes we have fun in chat and enjoy some dirty talk but nothing else involved. 

Unlike my so-called "best friend" male, he _was_ married to a woman so I considered him inaccessible. He considered me inaccessible because I was poz and in a relationship, even if he knew it was open... 12 years like that. 

He was curious and filled me with questions regarding gay sex, how it felt, what's "versatility" "give and receive", and so... Till he confided me his wife had another man. 

My relationship was going in pieces too, and now, I don't call him a boyfriend yet but he's a friend with golden prizes, not just benefits 🐖➕🎁🧬🦂🤠🦠☣️☣️☣️

[Treehugger]

On 11/3/2022 at 12:35 PM, BootmanLA said:

What your post suggests to me is that you are only willing to be friends with people who put out and in whom you have a sexual interest. Which, if it works for you, is fine - I just would find it sad to be so limited. 

Not true at all. And I have to be honest that I find your determination to be insulting. I don’t believe you meant it as an insult only as an observation but one without merit considering you don’t know me. 
     I was only pondering my situation and wondering why it is so and if it is singular or common. While in the distant past I have had friends of both sexes, platonic with both, I find in the last dozen years the ones that have stuck are ones with whom I gave shared sexual intimacy. I find it odd and somewhat disconcerting but there it is. 
     I can’t very well go on a search for specifically platonic friends. Real friendships are ones that just happen, they can’t be forced. 

[Ieatcumholes]

I 😍 friends with benefits! But not all of my gay friends fall into that category. And I honestly wouldn't want all of them too....

On 11/2/2022 at 8:58 PM, Treehugger said:

I enjoy how easy sex is between and for gay men.

I wholeheartedly agree with this! Understanding that I'm making generalities, gay men seem to be able to separate sex from love more than  non-gay people do.

[Treehugger]

14 minutes ago, Ieatcumholes said:

gay men seem to be able to separate sex from love more than  non-gay people do.

It seems that way to me. For me sex can be no different than playing tennis. We have our fun, hopefully both enjoy it and then we go on with our lives. No big deal if it happens again or does not and if we see each other socially there is no awkwardness. 

[BootmanLA]

16 hours ago, Treehugger said:

Not true at all. And I have to be honest that I find your determination to be insulting. I don’t believe you meant it as an insult only as an observation but one without merit considering you don’t know me. 
     I was only pondering my situation and wondering why it is so and if it is singular or common. While in the distant past I have had friends of both sexes, platonic with both, I find in the last dozen years the ones that have stuck are ones with whom I gave shared sexual intimacy. I find it odd and somewhat disconcerting but there it is. 
     I can’t very well go on a search for specifically platonic friends. Real friendships are ones that just happen, they can’t be forced. 

Indeed, insult not intended. As I said, it's what your post suggests to me, not that I made a determination (aka decided that's what it is), and I take your word for it that it's not the case.

And while I agree that you can't go on s search for specifically platonic friends, what one CAN do is avoid having sex with people until you get to know them better. Because he's the thing: having sex with someone is a bell you can't un-ring. If you're quick to hop into bed with anyone who has an appealing personality and for whom there's any physical attraction, you're unlikely to have anyone "just happen" to become a good friend who you haven't had sex with. Because the sex happened first.

And again, not to criticize that if it works for you. But if you want friends that you haven't slept with, the key would seem to be not sleeping with everyone you like, to see if anything more serious on the friendship front can develop. 

[OzzieCumdumpster]

I can count about 9 of my friends with benefits, my other friends are just friends, I would definitely have sex with them if the opportunity came up. But the friend with benefits I do have, if they stay at my place they are in my bed, and some of them if I'm at there place I am usually in there bed. And all my friends know I swing both ways but predominantly more drawn to guys.