Dumped for telling the truth

[Marlin]

I'm disappointed and a bit angry that a guy I've been having sex with, told me he wanted to "slow down" after I told him I was poz undetectable.

I met him on gridr almost two years ago. He was about 10 years younger than me, south asian from India. About 5'-5" with a nice hairy chest and a smallish uncut dick, He said he was a bottom and  loved passionate kissing, mutual oral and general making out.  He seemed somewhat demure and maybe even a bit vanilla. We didn't talk about bareback or status either, We chatted for about a week before we decided to meet at my house, We undressed and immediately started making out and kissing. He had a nice body and was a wonderful kisser. We were both hard quickly and proceeded to suck each other off. While sucking me I grabbed my poppers and did a few hits. I handed them to him and he took two huge hits....I really didnt expect him to use poppers and was thrilled he would partake. I flipped him on his back and sucked his uncut dick. licking the shaft and his balls. I then lifted his legs over his head and began eating his hole. He was hairy down there but shaved. I was in heaven and so was he. Now that his hole was really wet I lined my hard dick against his hole and slowly started sliding in. He didn't say anything about condoms, he just moaned. I fucked him for a while then put him on his stomach, dove my tongue in his hole again, then swapped my tongue for my cock and went in deep. I was lying on top of him fucking hard and he had his head turned to me so we could kiss. My breathing got heavier, my thrusts got deeper and soon I was cumming inside him.  We both kissed passionately. He rolled on his back so I could suck his dick. He jerked off and shot in my mouth. 

We met dozens of times and each time our sex was incredible. We even found a third so he could get two raw dicks and a few times he would come over with his ass full from another guy who fucked him. I soon found out he was married to a guy through facebook but I never said anything nor did he,

One day we were messaging and we started talking about barebackbastards videos. I told him I liked some of the pozzing videos. He then says "can I ask what your status is" I immediately said poz undetectable. He didnt respond right away. A bit later I message him to see when he's free and he responded he wanted to slow things down.

I feel terrible. I really didn't mean to deceive him as he didn't seem to care. Our sex was great and I really liked him.....I guess I should have lied.

[BlackDude]

14 minutes ago, Marlin said:

I'm disappointed and a bit angry that a guy I've been having sex with, told me he wanted to "slow down" after I told him I was poz undetectable.

I met him on gridr almost two years ago. He was about 10 years younger than me, south asian from India. About 5'-5" with a nice hairy chest and a smallish uncut dick, He said he was a bottom and  loved passionate kissing, mutual oral and general making out.  He seemed somewhat demure and maybe even a bit vanilla. We didn't talk about bareback or status either, We chatted for about a week before we decided to meet at my house, We undressed and immediately started making out and kissing. He had a nice body and was a wonderful kisser. We were both hard quickly and proceeded to suck each other off. While sucking me I grabbed my poppers and did a few hits. I handed them to him and he took two huge hits....I really didnt expect him to use poppers and was thrilled he would partake. I flipped him on his back and sucked his uncut dick. licking the shaft and his balls. I then lifted his legs over his head and began eating his hole. He was hairy down there but shaved. I was in heaven and so was he. Now that his hole was really wet I lined my hard dick against his hole and slowly started sliding in. He didn't say anything about condoms, he just moaned. I fucked him for a while then put him on his stomach, dove my tongue in his hole again, then swapped my tongue for my cock and went in deep. I was lying on top of him fucking hard and he had his head turned to me so we could kiss. My breathing got heavier, my thrusts got deeper and soon I was cumming inside him.  We both kissed passionately. He rolled on his back so I could suck his dick. He jerked off and shot in my mouth. 

We met dozens of times and each time our sex was incredible. We even found a third so he could get two raw dicks and a few times he would come over with his ass full from another guy who fucked him. I soon found out he was married to a guy through facebook but I never said anything nor did he,

One day we were messaging and we started talking about barebackbastards videos. I told him I liked some of the pozzing videos. He then says "can I ask what your status is" I immediately said poz undetectable. He didnt respond right away. A bit later I message him to see when he's free and he responded he wanted to slow things down.

I feel terrible. I really didn't mean to deceive him as he didn't seem to care. Our sex was great and I really liked him.....I guess I should have lied.

Well honesty is always best. Especially if it’s going to be a long term relationship, even if it’s just sexual.

 

Although, that could have been his way of breaking things off, and you gave him the out he was looking for. If he’s already married, best for both of you to not get too attached. 

[ladyMacDeath]

I'm not understanding. I thought it your HIV positive. The person you're have sexually active with should know. Or is it it really truly if I don't ask you don't tell me. 

[tallslenderguy]

13 hours ago, Marlin said:

 

I feel terrible. I really didn't mean to deceive him as he didn't seem to care. Our sex was great and I really liked him.....I guess I should have lied.

Nah... i think You are right to live honestly.  Sex is one of the most intimate connections two people can have, lying about who and how You are takes that element away.  This guy is now having to face who and how he is and decide if he wants reality and honesty or some Disney notion.  Risk is part of the equation of human connection, denying that  or lying about it doesn't make it less so.

i would not rule him out yet. he may just be facing reality for the first time and wrestling with this. It's possible that he will end up missing and wanting what you two have and growing and changing as a result, becoming more honest and real vs living and acting in denial about the risks involved in living as a man with his particular needs and wants.

[hntnhole]

14 hours ago, Marlin said:

We didn't talk about bareback or status either

I don't quite understand why you feel terrible.  You met him, no questions asked about status for quite a while, and when you answered, you told him the truth (thankfully), so risk of passing something serious is minimal (I'm assuming "undetectable = on PReP?)  If he didn't ask, that's not your fault.  If he had, and you lied, that would be something to feel badly about.  But that's not what happened.  How then, can you feel that you "deceived" him? 

You didn't.  Look - we all do things we regret, but you have no reason (as I read your post) to feel badly.  

I agree with our splendid tall slim guy whoneedstoeatmore.  Give him some time, offer to discuss anything he has on his mind, and who knows .... it could work out.  

[Marlin]

3 minutes ago, hntnhole said:

I don't quite understand why you feel terrible.  You met him, no questions asked about status for quite a while, and when you answered, you told him the truth (thankfully), so risk of passing something serious is minimal (I'm assuming "undetectable = on PReP?)  If he didn't ask, that's not your fault.  If he had, and you lied, that would be something to feel badly about.  But that's not what happened.  How then, can you feel that you "deceived" him? 

You didn't.  Look - we all do things we regret, but you have no reason (as I read your post) to feel badly.  

I agree with our splendid tall slim guy whoneedstoeatmore.  Give him some time, offer to discuss anything he has on his mind, and who knows .... it could work out.  

Thank You...I had no aspirations of us being a couple since he was married but our sex was really great. Not once was it a disappointment....We really had a synergy. I feel bad because its over and as I said the irony is if I lied when he asked my status I'm sure we would still be meeting. I really thought he was more enlightened and that my status would not matter.

[Marlin]

11 hours ago, ladyMacDeath said:

I'm not understanding. I thought it your HIV positive. The person you're have sexually active with should know. Or is it it really truly if I don't ask you don't tell me. 

I'm HIV positive, on meds and undetectable. Undetectable men can not transmit HIV. The first time we had sex I did fuck him without a condom. We both loved it and he never asked me his staus....Heck I never asked him either. When he did ask, 18 months later I was truthful and he decided to end it.

[viking8x6]

Two observations:

1. "Want to slow things down" is not at all the same as "want things to stop". If he can be taken at his word, he needs time to process and I would guess he probably feels like he needs to be in control of his decision rather than acting in the heat of passion. That's totally appropriate, especially if he's been living in a bubble and HIV is a big scary thing of which he's largely ignorant. Remember, he probably hasn't been reading BZ every week for years (which gives you an understanding of a LOT of nuances about sex and bugs and drugs and risk and safety).

2. The situation involved a discussion of "pozzing videos". That's another kettle of fish to "I'm undetectable". If I were in his shoes, I'd be far more alarmed and anxious about the former than the latter.

[Marlin]

5 minutes ago, viking8x6 said:

Two observations:

1. "Want to slow things down" is not at all the same as "want things to stop". If he can be taken at his word, he needs time to process and I would guess he probably feels like he needs to be in control of his decision rather than acting in the heat of passion. That's totally appropriate, especially if he's been living in a bubble and HIV is a big scary thing of which he's largely ignorant. Remember, he probably hasn't been reading BZ every week for years (which gives you an understanding of a LOT of nuances about sex and bugs and drugs and risk and safety).

2. The situation involved a discussion of "pozzing videos". That's another kettle of fish to "I'm undetectable". If I were in his shoes, I'd be far more alarmed and anxious about the former than the latter.

Thank You...all great points.....

[downtownswallow]

If I'm going consider allowing a man inside me raw, I not only ask about his status but suggest we exchange test results. I consider my health status to be paramount.  The few men that have attempted to stealth me are nothing to me.  The only one that ever did stealth me is lucky I allowed him to leave without a stretcher and ambulance.  Honesty is critical for my enjoyment.  I lived thru the AIDS epidemic and watched too many beautiful souls die horribly.  As science progressed, I allowed myself to begin considering how I could enjoy a truly free sexual life.  The protocols I've followed have allowed me to move past my past.  

 

Your friend/lover may have similar concerns.  Honesty is critical and he may feel he was used, deceived and/or endangered.  It's not  up to you anymore.  It's his choice where things end up.

[tallslenderguy]

14 minutes ago, Marlin said:

Thank You...I had no aspirations of us being a couple since he was married but our sex was really great. Not once was it a disappointment....We really had a synergy. I feel bad because its over and as I said the irony is if I lied when he asked my status I'm sure we would still be meeting. I really thought he was more enlightened and that my status would not matter.

But...

Had You lied and you were both still having sex, things would be different than they have been. You would always know/have known that the man You were breeding wasn't accepting You into himself, but some 'sanitized' version of what 'should' be vs what is, I.e, what You had would have been false, a lie, vs true. 

[ErosWired]

14 hours ago, Marlin said:

I feel terrible. I really didn't mean to deceive him […].....I guess I should have lied.

🤨 So, you didn’t mean to deceive him, but you would have if you’d thought it through? Nice.

No sympathy, for either of you.

Saying that you’ve been ‘dumped’ suggests you were ever in some kind of relationship to begin with, instead of just a convenient long-running NSA fucking arrangement. He’s married. You found this out secondhand, so you have no idea whether he’s open for play or whether you’re abetting his infidelity. But hey, what’s it to you, the sex is great, you’re all don’t-ask-don’t-tell, and you’re ethically challenged anyway. Why not? From your perspective, it’s all about you.

Maybe, possibly, on his side, it’s not all about him. He cared enough about the other guy to marry him, so two possibilities: He doesn’t want to get HIV and infect his partner, or he’s afraid he’ll get it, be caught cheating, and lose his marriage. Either way, he’s rethinking where his values lie (not with you).

Now, clearly, he doesn’t have a good understanding of what Undetectable means. From the way you describe his vanilla sexual style, that’s not really surprising. You could have done both of you some good by making that conversation a teachable moment and explained why he wasn’t at risk. Instead, it sounds like you were too taken up with your own feelings of rejection to consider his concern.

So, not sure what you’re expecting to hear. He has every right - and ethically possibly an obligation - to pull back from you, given his commitment. You have no reason to think yourself owed anything from a NSA fuck bud who you never bothered to tell your status to in the first place. It’s not clear where you’re from, but in the United States, there are 10 states in which it is illegal for a person with HIV not to disclose status, even if Undetectable.

It never feels good for someone to reject you for being Poz. Of course it feels shitty. Until the stigma is gone, it probably won’t be the last time it happens. You can go a long way toward preventing it by disclosing up front and making sure the guy knows why you’re safe to play. For now, pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move on to someone who’s actually available.

[NWUSHorny]

I'm not even sure you have been dumped since this is a casual relationship and his statement was he wanted "to slow things down".

I don't think you should have lied to him under any circumstances. Sometimes that means you don't get to fuck, but it is what it is. You said that he is married, so it is possible that his partner is the impetus for his change of mind. He also could have many other kinds of scares that could be causing him to alter his behavior, which may or may not be permanent. I would wait a while before completely giving up on him.

[VersGuyAnon]

If he doesn't already, it would be good for him to understand that U=U. If he is worried about risk, I wonder if he knows the status of other guys with whom he is barebacking. 

[tallslenderguy]

8 minutes ago, NWUSHorny said:

I'm not even sure you have been dumped since this is a casual relationship and his statement was he wanted "to slow things down".

I don't think you should have lied to him under any circumstances. Sometimes that means you don't get to fuck, but it is what it is. You said that he is married, so it is possible that his partner is the impetus for his change of mind. He also could have many other kinds of scares that could be causing him to alter his behavior, which may or may not be permanent. I would wait a while before completely giving up on him.

i wondered some of this stuff as well:

Is the guy being fucked married to a woman or a man?  Are they in an open relationship?  None of that is stated.  If he is cheating and lying, he may already have that eating at him, or maybe he's ignorant and thinks he can cheat and still avoid the STD risk? Who knows, there's lots of guys out there who really act on that notion. Our sex drive is a strong thing. 

Also, gay relationships can be different, i've had more than a few long term FB's who i fell for in a sense, even if it didn't qualify as a standardly defined relationship, it was still a relationship i valued on an emotional level. 

my own belief is, lying and deception make for a fake relationship, or at least a partial, fragmented one.  i do not think it is right, let alone worth it. To me, every time we lie about who we are, and subsequently cheat, we are what is wrong with society. We can only control our self, i don't know anyone who values being lied to or cheated, i sure don't, so it makes sense to me not to be that person.  Anyone here who knows my story knows i was in a religious web for many years, married to a woman and cheated with Men,  i felt rotten every time i cheated and hated myself for it. It cost me everything to become an honest person, but it's  so worth it. 

It sucks feeling rejected, or not even considered because i put "undetectable" in all my online profiles, but to me, it beats the alternative.