Ghosting nonsense

[PozTalkAuthor]

29 minutes ago, Bttml00king said:

Here is another rant of mine. I have chatted with a bi guy married to a woman for the past few months. He seemed to be genuine and really wanted to explore his gay side. However, neither one of us could host and we were about 15 miles away. Our schedule also didn't work out most of time. Finally we could work out a date to meet at a hotel. I made the reservation (thankfully i could cancel until 6 pm on the date of check in). We chatted daily even the night before our hookup. He said how much he couldn't wait... Blah blah. A few hours before we were supposed to meet at the hotel, he blocked me.

I am more upset about wasting my time on this guy for the past few months. I guess it could have been worse if I checked in and he simply ghosted me. I am afraid this won't be the last time something like this happened. 

this is what's called a KEYBOARD WARRIOR. 

At least if he was afraid somehow it could be understandable, but, talk! Damn, say it, "I've changed my mind" is not a crime! 

[PozTalkAuthor]

1 hour ago, Sfmike64 said:

That's true, but I don't think it's too much to ask that people not behave like total jerks online. It's a pretty low bar.

Keyboard warriors, yes if you're unpolite in real, your bad behaviour, online, becomes double. 

Because of my job I've known so many "nex door folks" who could have won the hate speech and cybercrime olympics if they ever existed. What about LGBT allies online and homophobics in real or vice-versa? Ghosting is just the least to worry about. 

[Bttml00king]

2 hours ago, PozTalkAuthor said:

this is what's called a KEYBOARD WARRIOR. 

At least if he was afraid somehow it could be understandable, but, talk! Damn, say it, "I've changed my mind" is not a crime! 

Haha.. Keyboard warrior. Sad actually. 

I totally agree with your second paragraph. Thanks. 

[PozTalkAuthor]

42 minutes ago, Bttml00king said:

Haha.. Keyboard warrior. Sad actually. 

I totally agree with your second paragraph. Thanks. 

There are mostly two types of these. Keyboard warriors, and social justice warriors. 

They seem to turn the world upside down while chatting -privately or publicly- then as soon as they deal with real, no way to lift a finger! I'm the first to invent whatever for fun chats but always clarifying it, never promising what I can't (or don't want to) do.

[TaKinGDeePanal]

10 hours ago, ellentonboy said:

I believe "Ghosting"comes in all forms.  Before I moved to the "big city" of Saint Pete, I lived in a more rural, yet accessible, part of Florida.  Right off I-75, near some colleges, blah blah.

...

So fast forward several months, and I am on the work platform Linkedin.  Surprising in my geo area there is my face, right next to his, as well as another guy who has frequented my apartment and we all knew each other.  So I reached out to my young friend, and I say "Hey, Congratulations!  I see you got your M.S. Degree in Computer Engineering, that's fantastic!  At this point we were only texting, and his response was "Well, I would like to know how the hell you know that???"  I was really taken back, and I said well your LinkedIn profile shows where you went to school and where you worked.  All the information he had given me over the years matched his profile.  So he was being honest.  At that point all communication stopped.  No more late night booty calls, no more texts from a gmail account, and he wasn't on adam4adam.  I also watched, before my eyes, as his Linkden profile was deleted.  I would refresh the page and it was gone, I tried every way possible to get it back.  I even called the third guy we knew and he tried pulling it up, he too was unable to find it.

So I left my little city in SW Florida and came to Saint Pete and happened to sign on to Adam4adam.  I noticed a profile, with no photo, saying "This user has blocked you" or something to that effect.  Now I had just moved in, I had not mentioned to him I was moving, I had told virtually no one.  However, after reading the description, he said things like, NO ONE OVER 35.  In caps, like I just typed.  His age seemed to match perfectly if what he initially told me was true when I first met him

Here's my RANT.  So I appreciate other posters and what has happened to them.  I made myself totally accessible to this guy.  I turned down other guys that were more sexually  experienced or would give me what I wanted to a routine basis.  I listened to his problems, and yes he was a good friend to me on several occasions when I would never expect someone I knew from a hook up app would help me.  I was so sick one time, when he drove me, shirtless and without A/C and waited in Walgreens parking, I stuck a $20 bill in his glove compartment for gas money and his time.  I remember he called me, totally pissed off, saying that friends help friends, and don't expect to be paid.  He said I made him feel like a whore.  I never treated him like that, I thought I was just showing some appreciation.

So why after seven or eight years, would someone totally ghost me.  I didn't force him to do anything, I felt I was a good friend, and yes I made sex available to him when he wanted.

Anyone else have a similar situation because I cannot wrap my head around what happened? It bothers me to this day. I do have a gmail account I could contact him with but I don't want to seem like the desperate kind of guy who wants a 20 something to come over.  Should I just drop this and let it go, it does linger in my mind about how much time he spent with me in that first apartment, how much I know about him and I do have questions.  What did I say or do wrong that he would totally blow me off?

I'm guessing that either:

• he has anxiety issues (anxiety is incurable); or
• he felt that the line between his professional and personal lives was about to blur too much; or
• he had moved out of home, then lost his job and had to move back home (and his parents imposed conditions on him); or
• he's not as mature as you thought he was; or
• his employer is a homophobe

Not your fault that he "nuked" that part of his personal life.

Note: I'd gladly let you fuck me bare and while partaking in other fun that we can only speak about on a different forum.

Edited September 22, 2023 by TaKinGDeePanal

[TaKinGDeePanal]

3 hours ago, TaKinGDeePanal said:

Note: I'd gladly let you fuck me bare and while partaking in other fun that we can only speak about on a different forum.

That also extends to you, BTW, @Sfmike64

[ErosWired]

15 hours ago, ellentonboy said:

So I reached out to my young friend, and I say "Hey, Congratulations!  I see you got your M.S. Degree in Computer Engineering, that's fantastic!  At this point we were only texting, and his response was "Well, I would like to know how the hell you know that???"  I was really taken back, and I said well your LinkedIn profile shows where you went to school and where you worked.  All the information he had given me over the years matched his profile.  So he was being honest.  At that point all communication stopped.

I suspect that he had a sense that his interaction with you was one where identities were kept at arm’s length, there were no strings attached, and you didn’t intersect with his life in any way other than those singular instances when you hooked up. Then, suddenly you reveal that you know things about other spheres of his life that he may not have thought he had divulged directly to you, and got the impression that you had been digging around trying to find personal information about him. I imagine it spooked him, and he may have felt threatened when he found you “inside” one of the other circles of his life.

[ellentonboy]

8 hours ago, ErosWired said:

I suspect that he had a sense that his interaction with you was one where identities were kept at arm’s length, there were no strings attached, and you didn’t intersect with his life in any way other than those singular instances when you hooked up. Then, suddenly you reveal that you know things about other spheres of his life that he may not have thought he had divulged directly to you, and got the impression that you had been digging around trying to find personal information about him. I imagine it spooked him, and he may have felt threatened when he found you “inside” one of the other circles of his life.

I suppose that is possible,  But I did know his full legal name, his address, where he worked and where he went to college and grad school prior to our final conversation.  I had been in his car, knew where his parent's lived and what their names were.  It's interesting, we are both Catholics and one of the hardest periods of his life was coming out to his parents.  I went through that phase with him.

I guess I felt, after seven years, that he had gotten his M.S, degree and was just a bit too good for me.  What I found surprising was his lack of knowledge of LinkedIn, and how anyone who is a member can read your resume, where you went to college, etc.  I just don't understand how he could have that info posted, and yet be upset that I would somehow "stumble" across it.  Like I said in my initial post, all the information he was giving me over the years was true.

I think he may wanted to put his memories with me to rest, he did tell me at one point towards the end he was (or had) a girlfriend because he wanted children.  But what confused me is why, if he was going to become "straight again" would he set up a new profile on Adam4adam, and we just both happened to move to Saint Petersburg.  To see that I was already blocked by him, after we had our final conversation, left me surprised since I didn't tell him I was leaving town and he never mentioned to me he was moving as well.  Granted, jobs are plentiful in this area, especially in IT with a MS degree, so maybe that was his plan all along.  But to block me prior to even knowing for sure I would be moving here was a real punch in the gut.

[Badguy56]

On 9/21/2023 at 9:42 AM, Sfmike64 said:

I don't feel bad about it, but it just seemed SO abrupt. As if you were having a conversation with someone (which they initiated) in a bar and you said something innocuous and then they turned and walked out the door without a word. 

If that happened to me, I would simply be appalled (as I was yesterday). But also laugh because the person was so inept.

That’s exactly it. It’s unfinished business which leaves the person who ghosts at a distinct advantage over the other. 

[polyglutton]

I'm sorry for the loss you experienced. 

Some of my thoughts on this topic:

We did not evolve as a species for internet socialising, and apps are generally not been designed by people who are good at socialising. Context collapse and social surveillance is something still very unsettling and new for us. Cultural norms in online communication are in flux. Social anxiety is at an all time high. 

Young people go through a lot of growth and change and it's natural for people to move on. Not all friendships or associations can or should last. Significant age differentials present extra barriers to longer term associations. 

Ghosting or blocking can hurt, and in an ideal world we'd have more answers, but ultimately we have to accept that is the end. 

Ideally we'd all be good at using our words, but many of us aren't up to the task much of the time, and blocking is so easy. It's true that too many guys are unable to handle a simple no with grace, and that is a disincentive to making the effort to respond at all. I also think the proliferation of chatbots and scammers erodes our resolve to be humane to one another. 

I'm a fan of preemptive blocking on apps as a filter to save both parties time. Blocking mid-conversation is inhumane (unless someone is being creepy). If I'm not interested in someone I will try to say it, and then will block a few days later so that it's kinder. Some people use the gay apps as a community, but I don't, as I'd rather save that for in person socialising. 

Edited October 28, 2023 by polyglutton

[Bttml00king]

I had another ghosting non sense on grindr. I was out of town hosting anon pump and dump at a hotel. Given the nature of anon setup, I usually don't initiate contacts and just want for those interested to message me. So this 24 yo hit me up and sent me three pics (body, ass and cock) right from the start as my profile stated. He was definitely my type. He said he was horny and could get to the hotel in 10 mins (his location showed 4 miles away). 

I was just slowly waking up and needed some time to get ready for him. I told him to come in 25 mins. After I was ready, I messaged him. He said he was already at the hotel and asked for my room number. Because his distance still showed 4 miles, I asked him about the distance. He did say the hotel by the airport where I stayed. 

He then asked me to give him my room number or he was going to leave. I gave him my room number. My room was on the 4th floor, he said I was fucking with him because the elevator only had 3 floors. I then asked where he was and sent me his location on grindr. He didnt and went to block me. 

Based on his distance, I don't think he had moved at all. This is really a non sense. 

[gwmxyz]

I feel a bit sorry for the ghosts (at least the main ones mentioned in this thread). They are obviously terrified of something whether and that's making them behave in a way that's weird and peculiar.

An example i had was a guy who was a regular fuck but used to fuck me safe - and then chat a bit afterwards. Then one time he decides to fuck me bare.  "Yippee" think I. "I like where this is going. And immediately, I did.  I got his load".   But no. After that he stopped answering all messages, let alone meet up.  to give him his due, he got in touch about a year later and agreed to meet for a coffee - where he really said little  more than he was sorry.  He realised it wasn't very friendly - and I never saw him again. Fine.

He obviously loved bb but it terrified him. Whether it was health or reputation, I don't know (and I can live with the implied verdict that I have neither).

I don't care - as they saying has it, "people would care less about what people thought of them if they realised how little they do." Taking the example from earlier in the thread I cant imagine, many bosses in this day and age caring that they had a gay colleague. Whatever is going on, it's in their mind, not rational. And what was the fear? An email to the entire department saying "your colleague's been fucking me up the arse"? 

The reason i feel sorry for them is not just the fear but the sex life. Can you imagine if the closest you got to a fuck was a series of texts and messages followed by an angry lie to pretend it wasn't their fault?

That said, fear of what people think is very powerful. The Catholic Church tried to recruit me to the priesthood with a not very subtle message of "become a priest, otherwise you might become gay". The reason I told them where to put it was (a) I don't believe in God and (b) I wanted to get married (how they knew I was gay 10 years  before I did is something I'll never know).

I suspect many vocations to the priesthood were motivated by a fear of "becoming" gay.  Seems funny now _ I'd say it was more of an opportunity.  But for them it was worth vowing celibacy, poverty etc rather than go down that road.  And some perhaps even believed  in God - either way that one wasn't a dealbreaker.

Obviously, it often ended unhappily. Vowing celibacy and practising it are not the same thing.  I remember the mirth at the school when Br Sebastian was done for cottaging in the local town.. From memory, he'd also moved from Australia, thinking he would be a different person. He wasn't If he'd just been gay, nobody would have cared.

And my rather shallow mind thinks He'd have got way more action in Sydney than rural North Yorkshire - but that, I supposei was exactly the fear.

[topblkmale]

But its NOT ghosting if you don't even know their REAL first name and/or phone number.

[ffbbbear]

On 9/20/2023 at 3:01 PM, ErosWired said:

No.

Not an acceptable excuse.

That’s the same as “Everybody does it, so…” [shrug]

We don’t have to accept this shit. We don’t have to roll over and let our community turn into an anarchic wasteland where nobody knows how to behave in a decent way toward other human beings.

The ‘Block’ function has a use, but it’s also one of the big culprits it the lack of personal accountability that emboldens people to be assholes online. With Blocking, anyone can do a hit-and-run and get away clean. If people actually had to answer for their shitty behavior online, the shitty behavior would ramp down sudden quick.

So don’t tell me I have to roll over and take it up the ass. I mean - do, please, but don’t ask me to accept ‘asshole’ as the ‘new normal’. None of us should.

Amen to that.  I couldn't have said it better myself.

[Piggyybttmm]

On 9/20/2023 at 3:46 PM, Sfmike64 said:

Can I /Rant for a moment?

Someone saw my handle on this site and chatted me up on Telegram. Fine, I'm into that. We were chatting a bit and he laid out what he was interested in talking dirty about and I said "yeah, I get why people are into that, but that's not really my thing."

And he disappeared without a word and deleted the chat.

Seriously? At least be an adult and say "ok, that's really what I'm into. See ya later."

Have some fucking manners, ya'll. We're all human beings and need to be treated with some respect. If you hit me up FIRST don't just disappear when it's not going to be a match. BE A MAN.

OK /rant.

Prob not gonna be a popular opinion here, but I don't see a problem with what they did. I think ghosting is wrong when there's some emotional investment and y'all been talking for a while...but thats not the case here, y'all were speaking briefly. sexually., he's wants something you're not into. Clearly, that's not gonna work for him. Why waste time with formalities?