Rejection at sex clubs

[polyglutton]

On 6/10/2024 at 12:36 PM, slaveboi said:

I don't do too many big events but when I have i think guys get too greedy. They all walk around looking for the hottest guy and end up with nothing. 

Some of my best luck when I used to frequent Steamworks in Berkeley was on less busy nights.  Friday and Saturday nights back then seemed to attract lots haughty of "A" gays, and their attitude seemed to breed a choosier vibe, so I came to prefer less busy weeknights, where fellas seemed more DTF. 

The problem with guys who buy into the BS of body meritocracy is that their obsession with status gets in the way of simply exploring pleasure for its own sake; it can't just be sex, it also has to validate their sense of status. It's rather tragic.

I recommend just starting something with anyone. Once you're doing something sexual with someone else, other guys are more likely to sexually objectify you, and a chain reaction can lead to group fun!

 

Edited June 19 by polyglutton

[fuckholedc]

On 6/2/2024 at 1:46 PM, Normaldude said:

I don't want you guys so think this post is superficial, but Im gonna be straightforward with the problem.

Im on my late 30's ( 37 ), I consider myself a normal straight-passing guy, not ugly, not handsome, just normal. 

My body is something that I don't like. I never really made sports in my life, so I have almost no muscles, and a belly, that I hate.

During my life and during my time living in the States, I don't remember lots of episodes of rejection, maybe, because I was meeting people on Grindr, or maybe because living in a small town in South Carolina the things work a little bit different.

But then, last year, I moved to Europe. And I started going to sex clubs and their sex parties. So for the first time I experienced what is rejection. and what is like to be invisible.

=(

I went to party in Berlin last night and there were probably 1000 guys inside, and nobody wanted to do anything with me, nobody looked at me.

It looks like everybody in that club was super young and super hot. and I feel that I was the only person there that was being totally ignored. 

I know the place is like a meat market and everybody can one day experience rejection, but it is something that really makes me sad.

well, but my questions in this post  (  and I would honestly want to  hear the opinion of my > 35 guys who are not gym rats! )

- how do you deal with rejection in sex clubs / parties?

- what should I do to improve my chances of getting laid? should I start going to the gym? is it too late for that?

- I try to always wear a t-shirt at those clubs ( I don't wanna show my body naked ), is that also a turn off for guys?

 

 

I'm an American from Germany who also came out in Europe (Germany, Switzerland, France and the Netherlands) when living back in Germany.

Germans are very cliquish.  And many times these clique boundaries are inviolable.   This can also happen in the US but Americans are often not as cliquish (and anyway, there's really no comparison between German and American cliquishness).  

As noted, there can be a lot of anti-Americanism.  It helps (or can help) if you speak German - usually even if you speak passable German with an American accent (from observation - I've seen Americans I don't know with obvious accents with German friends at clubs over my lifetime - usually they acted very outgoing [which is a German stereotype of Americans]) however - this can also go the other way, at least in Berlin and sometimes in some other cities.  If you are living in Europe, generally Cologne is an exception to this in Germany as it is a more accepting place overall (but it can also be quite reserved overall wrt fucking).

Parties in Berlin are choice and depending on the party and the venue there is an attempt to make them exclusive at various levels.  The good news is that you were able to get in to a party (even though you can get into many parties in Berlin).  

My last party experience in Berlin was April - Easter weekend.  It was okay but not great (compared to previous recent experiences).  But in Berlin especially sexual chemistry can sometimes change totally because you run into people who at least in that moment are attracted to you for some reason (this happened in Boiler on a disappointing afternoon  and then I suddenly got fucked 5 times more or less one after another).

So also maybe you weren't other people's choice of the moment at that party.  As I said, Germans can be quite cliquish which also includes this thing that they can be looking at that event for a kind of narrow stereotype of body and image.  

If you are going to stay in Germany or visit with some regular expectation of sex then you'll need to "hit the gym."  This doesn't mean literally, btw.  You can add some regular biking or rucking (hiking with weights) that will build some muscle as well as get some cardio.  But certainly not all Gay Germans hit the gym but overall a lot more tend to walk than Americans do so there is this background of minor physical activity from birth. Also remember that German Gay men tend to like a stereotype of kind of thin men (schlank) or a kind of muscular but not usually too muscular guy (like a triathlete ideally if they go for "muscular"), or more rarely more muscular on the side of light bodybuilding, or bearish guys (usually kind of lightly bearish), or an obvious pig or piggish guy (for some guys, but this is more a clothing affectation at least to start with, then if it is real and you're in the right place you will be swamped).

Edited June 19 by fuckholedc
added more comment

[Normaldude]

hey guys, thank you for all the answers on my post.

I started going to the gym, now for 1 month, also trying to eat healthy. I really wanna change my body to get more confidence. I think I have a little bit of social anxiety as well, but Im not gonna focus on that topic now.

About me, Im Latino and ( at least in my case ) I don't think that my ethnicity plays a role in those sexual encounters at clubs like the LAB ( maybe that could be the case in smaller clubs that targets to an older german audience ), but in places like  LAB more than 70% are probably international tourists

Tonight I ll try going to a party where Im gonna be naked for the first time. I hope I can have a good experience to share with you guys.

but from now, yes, Im gonna work on myself, I wanna have a body that Im not ashamed of

[Leather-lee]

On 6/3/2024 at 10:15 PM, bi4funstayforload said:

I never understood the superficial obsession in the gay/BI community with looks during "hookups". 

Especially at saunas. It's just sex, period. With women I get it, they're superficial by design, but men looking for action. I don't understand. 

For the most part, the seedier side of gay sex clubs are far from superficial.

[BlackDude]

On 6/19/2024 at 6:48 AM, polyglutton said:

Some of my best luck when I used to frequent Steamworks in Berkeley was on less busy nights.  Friday and Saturday nights back then seemed to attract lots haughty of "A" gays, and their attitude seemed to breed a choosier vibe, so I came to prefer less busy weeknights, where fellas seemed more DTF. 

The problem with guys who buy into the BS of body meritocracy is that their obsession with status gets in the way of simply exploring pleasure for its own sake; it can't just be sex, it also has to validate their sense of status. It's rather tragic.

I recommend just starting something with anyone. Once you're doing something sexual with someone else, other guys are more likely to sexually objectify you, and a chain reaction can lead to group fun!

 

Sunday afternoons at Steamworks were the best. 

[msamuel83]

19 hours ago, BlackDude said:

Sunday afternoons at Steamworks were the best. 

Noted, I have a 12 hour layover in SFO in October 

[BlackDude]

22 minutes ago, msamuel83 said:

Noted, I have a 12 hour layover in SFO in October 

Please don’t take my word for it. I hear it’s more “hit or miss” now, as most of those place are now. I’m not sure if it’s the automatic it was before C19 or even years ago

[msamuel83]

1 hour ago, BlackDude said:

Please don’t take my word for it. I hear it’s more “hit or miss” now, as most of those place are now. I’m not sure if it’s the automatic it was before C19 or even years ago

Fair enough, but always worth a try

[KindaBasic]

On 7/13/2024 at 11:03 AM, Normaldude said:

hey from now, yes, Im gonna work on myself

Props to you. 

[barecubtop]

On 7/13/2024 at 11:03 AM, Normaldude said:

I started going to the gym, now for 1 month, also trying to eat healthy. I really wanna change my body to get more confidence. I think I have a little bit of social anxiety as well, but Im not gonna focus on that topic now.

...I wanna have a body that Im not ashamed of

Good for you.  I haven't been on BZ nearly as much as I used to be, but I had some time to browse around this evening and saw your initial post and could definitely relate. 

I've put on some weight over the last couple years, and while most things in my life are good (employed, own a home, "comfortable" in many ways), I am definitely not feeling as desirable as I used to....whether it's because of the weight, my age (41 now), or where I live in the city I'm in (a few miles away from where the majority of the gays live downtown). 

I know that I need to make some changes, large or small, to start losing some weight and eating healthier, etc...and I want to, not only to look better but also just to feel better, sleep better, etc... However, knowing/wanting and taking action are different things. 

I have always enjoyed going to the bath house, both here in my city and places like Chicago, and have always had good experiences at those places (i.e. getting action).  I recently went to Chicago with the intent of going to the bath house (Steamworks) and hopefully having some slutty fun.  I knew going in that there was a chance I wouldn't have as much fun as I used to, and set my expectations accordingly.  Sure enough, I didn't get much action...I sucked a few cocks (none to completion), got a little head (not to completion) by people stopping by my room while the door was open, and fucked one guy before I left...while pre-pandemic I would fuck at least 2-4 guys each visit.  Since I had set my expectations realistically, I didn't leave angry/upset...it was still hot to be in that atmosphere to see all the naked guys, hear others having sex, etc...but I am using that recent visit to help motivate myself to act on those changes I need to make. 

Good luck!

[tallslenderguy]

On 7/13/2024 at 8:03 AM, Normaldude said:

hey guys, thank you for all the answers on my post.

I started going to the gym, now for 1 month, also trying to eat healthy. I really wanna change my body to get more confidence. I think I have a little bit of social anxiety as well, but Im not gonna focus on that topic now.

About me, Im Latino and ( at least in my case ) I don't think that my ethnicity plays a role in those sexual encounters at clubs like the LAB ( maybe that could be the case in smaller clubs that targets to an older german audience ), but in places like  LAB more than 70% are probably international tourists

Tonight I ll try going to a party where Im gonna be naked for the first time. I hope I can have a good experience to share with you guys.

but from now, yes, Im gonna work on myself, I wanna have a body that Im not ashamed of

Hey, just read this thread, and didn't really have a response, then went out and washed my (German) car. While i was washing it, what you and some others wrote started to work in me and i have some random thoughts/feelings to add to the mix.

You self describe as a "Normaldude. Honestly i think most of use are just that, that we all have certain things in common: we want and we want to be wanted. Sure, the devil is in the details, but i think that's a common thread that binds us all together. 

i think you set yourself up for what at least felt like rejection. You really don't know what others were thinking about you, you just filled in the blanks because you didn't leave with what you needed/wanted. When i think about it though, you are a "normal dude" who went to an exclusive party, then wondered when you felt excluded? Berlin is a huge city with a lot of sex venues, i'd be willing to guess that there were other places you could have gone that had guys who know they are like you, who are not busy trying to be more special than everyone else. Guys who want YOU and who want You to want them.

i go to the gym every other day and am in pursuit of an ass Tops wanna fuck.  It's really sort of silly because not all Tops have one standard ass they wanna fuck. i'm on a meet up site and am frequently "rejected" because i don't have a big belly. i work hard to not have a big belly, and now i wanna pizza. 

This is going to sound very cliche, though ironically, some gay situations are cliche.  Communication is a largely no verbal process. We can tell when a person exudes confidence, is happy, etc.. i think trying to be what we think someone else wants doesn't work. i think you need to be happy with yourself, and then present that person to others. i believe there just isn't one standard guy that you can become that will get you more cock or ass, that you have to be you and put yourself in situations where guys who are not trying so hard to be superior, rather, they are looking for someone like You... because in more ways than not, they are like you. 

[RawLeather]

I find that in this age of social media and apps of the like guys at the bathhouse are looking for Mr right to hook up with.  I myself go to fuck not make love.  It also drives me crazy, that they walk around like high School girls chatting it up.  Why pay to be at the baths when all you are doing is chatting

[topblkmale]

27 minutes ago, RawLeather said:

I find that in this age of social media and apps of the like guys at the bathhouse are looking for Mr right to hook up with.  I myself go to fuck not make love.  It also drives me crazy, that they walk around like high School girls chatting it up.  Why pay to be at the baths when all you are doing is chatting

 

You have bath(s) plural where you live?

 

[barecubtop]

On 8/12/2024 at 10:59 PM, topblkmale said:

 

You have bath(s) plural where you live?

 

Somehow Indianapolis still has two...I don't know how.

[1slut]

I agree with comments that at events with large number of people, people than to walk around endlessly looking the perfect guy. I am looking for a hot fuck and not a husband. I would rather use my energy and time fucking and not walking.

keep a look out for like minded who wants to fuck and not walk endlessly…

Be confident whatever your body type unless it is really bizarre. I know many people who only go with older or chubbier guys and they to get on real good.