For the Love of Sobriety

[Poz50something]

The night before last, I get a call from an erstwhile fuck buddy when I was having dinner with a group of friends. No one else saw the video call from Alain (name changed to protect the not so innocent) nude, in the middle of a meth trip.  He was going on about coming over and having a chemsex session together.

 This was the guy whom I played with in February who reintroduced me to meth after 28 years. He shotgunned a Tina smoke into my mouth several times during the session. Already, I kinda always feel despondent in the winter because of SAD. The lack of sleep that accompanies a chemisex trip, the temporary loss of an erection, the depression and anxiety all made me suicidal for a couple of days. So, nope no chemisex for me. Alain also said I had promised to I would smoke and fuck with him (which I didn’t). I asked him to go watch a movie with me - that’s all.  To add to the ‘incestuousness’ of it all, he’s my late hubby’s ex bf. 
      I get the feeling that he keeps on suggesting that  we Smoke and fuck because he wants to get me to be addicted.  Friends who are recovering addicts tell me to dump him as a friend because he doesn’t respect my boundaries. I don’t want to reject him, because his hubs left him, I suspect, because of he would go for days to Toronto, or to his late friend who o’died and PNP for days without returning home. I get that the drug is super powerful. There are days when I can still taste it in my mouth. I want to avoid getting back to PNP. I know I need to set clear boundaries with him. What else can I do to maintain a healthy relationship with Alain? 

Edited July 30 by Poz50something

[norefusal]

i play this game all the time and to me the harsh truth is you can't. 

everyday i miss the wonderful husband i used to have but that guy is dead. i can't even talk to the meth head he became because that guy has proven over and over again how willing he is to repay my kindness by destroying my life. 

i too am in recovery and struggling to stay that way. i do fucked up things like text the guy i last relapsed w at 2:00am pretending i just wanna stay friends but even i know im really texting so i can get high again. the struggle is real but i think it's important to own my own shit and be honest that this really isn't about me being a nice guy or wanting to keep a friendship. it's the addict in me looking for excuses to use again. but that's just me. 

[PozBearWI]

Dump him.  He isn't going to do YOU any good.

[KindaBasic]

Sounds like you are already setting up a scenario in which it is his fault when you opt for relapse. Whether you dump him or use with him, the decision is yours alone. 

[PozBearWI]

Certainly is true that at end the responsibility belongs to the OP.  But the former friend who is trying to bring him back into the life isn't a friend either...

[Poz50something]

48 minutes ago, KindaBasic said:

Sounds like you are already setting up a scenario in which it is his fault when you opt for relapse. Whether you dump him or use with him, the decision is yours alone. 

Actually, it’s the opposite. We had sex (penetrative, none of this wanking only) about July last year. HE blamed me after the fact for his relapse because, I discovered through talking with ex-addicts, that meth is entwined so intimately with the sex act that many people who give up meth give up sex. He has asked me twice before to chem with him, and I have been adamant about no chemsex. I want to be supportive, but he begins by saying, ‘you promised you would sex and smoke with me’ and I do not give off chemisex vibes, and don’t  encourage anything of the sort. 

Edited July 30 by Poz50something

[norefusal]

this is twice now you've mentioned that he claims you promised to relapse with him when you didn't. that alone is an answer to your question. it's blatant emotional manipulation and is that the type of friend you want in your life? 

[Poz50something]

7 minutes ago, norefusal said:

this is twice now you've mentioned that he claims you promised to relapse with him when you didn't. that alone is an answer to your question. it's blatant emotional manipulation and is that the type of friend you want in your life? 

Thank you. There’s no way I can be supportive to him, when he’s not being supportive of my sobriety. I kinda thought so, but I was hoping there’d be another answer. Thanks. 

[hntnhole]

6 hours ago, Poz50something said:

What else can I do to maintain a healthy relationship with Alain?

The way I read your original post, you've already done everything I can image to maintain the friendship without the drugs.  

The only choice I see is between your sobriety and Alain, and only you can make that decision.  It's not you that's making demands on him, he's the one trying to "guilt" you into resuming what you already know is a destructive practice.  

It's sad all the way around, and only you can make the decision.  I'm sending you every vibe I can come up with that you make the decision that's right for you.  

[BootmanLA]

11 hours ago, Poz50something said:

What else can I do to maintain a healthy relationship with Alain? 

You can't maintain a (mentally) healthy relationship (or at least, not more than a very superficial one) with someone who isn't (mentally) healthy himself. 

5 hours ago, Poz50something said:

I want to be supportive, but he begins by saying, ‘you promised you would sex and smoke with me’ 

I'm assuming that you did not, in fact, promise him this. If I'm right in that assumption, then he's being blatantly manipulative and for that reason alone should be avoided. But here's the thing: even if you HAD promised this, you can say "I no longer wish to do this, and the fact that you keep pressuring me to do it is proof you do not have my best interests at heart. If you insist on this, I have to cut all contact with you."

By entertaining his bullshit, you are empowering him to continue trying his manipulation. You have the power to shut him down. And if that costs you his "friendship" it's not a huge loss, because no friend worth his salt would be trying to manipulate you back into doing drugs with him when you've made it clear you wish to remain sober.

I know I'm repeating what everyone else is saying, but (to be blunt) it's because we're right. I've never been as certain of being right as I am about this.

[KindaBasic]

6 hours ago, Poz50something said:

Actually, it’s the opposite.. 

No, I think I pretty much nailed it. But then, maybe that is only three and a half decades of recovery and witnessing legions of addicts set themselves up for relapse. 

[tallslenderguy]

23 hours ago, Poz50something said:

I know I need to set clear boundaries with him. What else can I do to maintain a healthy relationship with Alain? 

Ditto what pretty much everyone else has already said.

Clearly, you care about this person, but a healthy relationship involves two parties that each care about the other, so there really is no "relationship"  to "maintain" at this point.  A clear boundary that you can set with him is no contact unless he decides to get into some sort of rehab situation where he truly wants to quit.  

i'm a critical care nurse, and we all cringe on the unit where i work when we get patients who use meth... i got one last night a couple hours before my shift ended. They had a cervical collar on, several broken ribs, and a list of other broken bones after getting hit by a train. By their account, they were "running from demons who were chasing them away from Jesus."   i've never had a meth patient that could be reasoned with. i my experience, the drug has this consistent effect of making the user hyper-self-centered to where no one else matters.  In my experience, you cannot  engage or connect with someone strung out on meth, you only exist to be used by them. 

[Poz50something]

Thank you for your ( y’all’s) input. I am swiftly coming to the conclusion mentioned by all of you because sobriety is important for my wellbeing. As part of the grief journey ( starting with my spouse’s death almost seven years ago) that has become my life, I am  incredibly sensitive to any turn towards self-negativity and despair. And meth brought me to despair and suicidal thoughts. Once after 28 years abstinence this February was too much. Add to that my sobriety journey, and I realise that I am not being selfish. And I am beginning to get seriously pissed off that my sobriety is a joke to Alain. 

[PozBearWI]

4 hours ago, Poz50something said:

Thank you for your ( y’all’s) input. I am swiftly coming to the conclusion mentioned by all of you because sobriety is important for my wellbeing. As part of the grief journey ( starting with my spouse’s death almost seven years ago) that has become my life, I am  incredibly sensitive to any turn towards self-negativity and despair. And meth brought me to despair and suicidal thoughts. Once after 28 years abstinence this February was too much. Add to that my sobriety journey, and I realise that I am not being selfish. And I am beginning to get seriously pissed off that my sobriety is a joke to Alain. 

A good start.  Working on seven years of grief seems a higher priority than a guy who doesn't give a crap about your own sobriety.  That's a long time to hang onto grief; but addict personalities tend to get caught on a thing; be it meth, alcohol or personal tragedy; and stay stuck there.  I wish you well my brother.