Open Relationship Issues

[AversiveSublime]

My bf and I have an open relationship, we are free to have sex with others separately or alone as long as we don't hide it from the other person and/or let it become more than a basic friendship or fuck buddy situation. We are moving in together and he travels for work. Originally we met as a top/bottom situation, where I was the bottom, BUT I have always had a desire to get more experience as a top and seeing as we have an open relationship think its fair to explore that desire on my own in the beginning until I become more comfortable with doing that. I get distracted and being larger than average guys tend to have a hard time taking it and letting me ram how I need to get off. I have never successfully breed a hole because of that issue and/or someone busting into the room on us (happened like three times to me, once was a roommate situation and he was a total nutcase).

My bf seems to think that I should just jump right into being a top with him and share a bottom, but he doesn't seem to understand that I have sometimes a hard time staying hard when I top because of my inexperience with it. I am sure once I can get some practice and seed a few holes and get used to it the sensations of a hole choking on my cock that I will get over it though. It has become somewhat of a debate, and it seems as if he just doesn't want me to be having sexual experiences as a top without him there to oversee it or whatever the fuck it is. I get that he gets off on watching but like I said I have experience issues and am not ready to be watched. To me it would be too much like taking a test and sex is supposed to be fun!

Meanwhile, he would be free to fuck whoever he finds on his trips or when I am away. It seems like a double standard even though he so gracefully has given me "permission" to GET FUCKED by other guys. We don't have a sub/dom relationship though and I find it kind of insulting that he is free to do as he wishes (top/bottom) but I am somehow not allowed to without resistance from him.

Personally I see this as more a security issue on his part, he says he trusts me but I don't think he really does even though I have been completely and painfully honest with him over this last year we've been dating. I thought we were at a point where we agreed to what OPEN RELATIONSHIP means to us as a couple but then this issue crops up.

I never said we wouldn't tag team a bottom together in time, just that I needed to get some experience one on one and build up my confidence with it.

Is that being unreasonable or asking too much of our open relationship even though he can and will be fucking other guys without me?

[Deaner]

Have you told him what you've written here? If yes and he still tends toward the 'double standard', then you either need to re-evaluate the relationship or the goal of topping.

If no, then just tell him. There's always room to compromise in some way. Ideally, he'd give you the space and time you need, but there's also the possibility of filming it or maybe even working yourself up to being comfortable with a voyeur situation.

Worst case scenario, you can always look forward to any 'failures' as ending up as a really hot time bottoming for your bf... perhaps some of his eagerness to watch is a subliminal hope that it will reinforce your bottom status in his eyes.

[AversiveSublime]

Its been an endless text discussion, we are not in the same country right now for another week. But now he is switching it to he doesn't want me having group sex without him, which was never a part of any of this. Yet he thinks its fine for him to have group sex without me. It seems as if he is hinging this newest thing on this: If we have group sex together then we can have group sex alone without each other, but if we don't do it together then we can't have group sex without each other. Seems a little silly to me because at the end of the day we are boyfriends and together and either way I am NOT going to end up with someone else, that is not my intention, I just wanted to try out top before I took on a group setting with him as tops because I don't want to get there, have trouble topping and then sit there while he fucks everyone he can. And I don't want him to sit there and just watch me fuck someone, I wanted it to be a balanced scene, where we can take turns but I just don't feel confident enough as a top for that yet.

[einathens]

open relationships seem to be the ideal to most gay men, but they can be tricky. i've seen relationships flourish because of it, and i've had relationships fail for the same reason.

most important thing is to communicate clearly with your partner. i'd suggest that you create a contract. you write down a list of what you want, don't want and expect for yourself and him. he does the same. then you compare lists, negotiate and create a framework agreeable to the both of you.

if he's free to fuck when he's away, aren't you also free? you might post a 'novice top seeks experience' ad or ask a friend to help you find someone.

since you don't yet live together, you might designate one or two 'free nights' a week where you're both able to go have a solo adventure and tell each other about it the next day.

the thing that kills most open relationships is jealousy. be careful of it.

[Deaner]

If he gets to do what makes him happy, then you have the right to do the same. If you have limits on that, then it's okay for him to have limits too.

No relationship is ever 100% happy, there's always a certain amount of give and take. Just remember, expecting him to compromise means that you need to compromise too. The trick is in finding something each of you are willing to give up to make the other happy.

You're not going to get an answer from people on this website. You'll need to hammer it out with the bf until you find something that works for you two.

And if all else fails, there's also the option of just doing whatever you feel is best at the moment, and hoping it doesn't come back to haunt you later. Some people call that infidelity, some call it practicality. That one's up to you.

[AversiveSublime]

einathens, I agree with pretty much everything you say and I think ideally we both want the type of relationship where we are that free and honest with each other but he has this recurring idea that my lack of ability to be a total 24-7 gang bang bottom is somehow a lack of attraction towards him. Its not. I've had a lot of stress lately and we have had a long distance relationship and that sort of created situations where WHEN we were together my hole just wasn't up to the task of even having him fuck me very long. It's something that I think will lessen once we move in together I hope but who knows. I just know that there are times when my hole is just suffering enough to not handle being fucked for more than a few minutes. Also I've always been more of the type of bottom that just would rather get seeded fast than have to fuck for hours most of the time. BUT, having said that, he seems to jump from one thing to another to another when we discuss all this stuff.

At this point we seem to have agreed that neither of us will engage in group sex without the other UNTIL we've done it together at least once. Which is fine with me as I have little interest in that at this point. I merely wanted to gain more experience as a top when we aren't together since he doesn't bottom at all and I am tired of him saying "I will bottom for someone I love" "I will bottom for you" and then it never happens. I am fine with that actually, I understand and respect not being able to bottom, it happens to me as well. I tired to top him once but he stopped it before I was inside even an inch and honestly when that happens I lose interest in trying it again and if he isn't into it I don't need him to do it to please me.

BUT, I do have an interest in doing it and so since we have an open relationship I think it is fair that we are both free to do that with others. Of course he will fuck me when we are together but I don't know how I will be able to handle it when we live together. I don't know if its diet or what but something I just have like sharp pains down there and stuff, something isn't right at times. Could be a prostate thing or something else though, something I know I should check out but well I dunno, its awkward to ask my DR that because I am on state health care and they aren't the most receptive to requests. They gave me a hard time just asking for a full STD screening last time. Anyways, its not made up or a lack of desire its a physically not feeling able to do it thing, which I've told him but he seems to always come back to make it an attraction thing. And then the jealousy kicks in but its over nothing!

[AversiveSublime]

Deaner,

I agree. I think ultimately it is going to be fine and the talking about what we may or may not do is just complicating things. He has had issues with being honest about some things he's done and honestly it doesn't matter what he does as much as I care about him being able to tell me about it. Talking about sex is kind of a turnoff for me though, it gets to the point where its not even enjoyable to think about it when its this complicated. Easier to just jerk off!

[GreenChaser]

open relationships seem to be the ideal to most gay men, but they can be tricky. i've seen relationships flourish because of it, and i've had relationships fail for the same reason.

most important thing is to communicate clearly with your partner. i'd suggest that you create a contract. you write down a list of what you want, don't want and expect for yourself and him. he does the same. then you compare lists, negotiate and create a framework agreeable to the both of you.

if he's free to fuck when he's away, aren't you also free? you might post a 'novice top seeks experience' ad or ask a friend to help you find someone.

since you don't yet live together, you might designate one or two 'free nights' a week where you're both able to go have a solo adventure and tell each other about it the next day.

the thing that kills most open relationships is jealousy. be careful of it.

i agree with everything here. i was part of an open relationship that was based on honesty and trust. when i found out that i was not being told everything; jealously, regret, and fear started to damage what was. we had sat down early on & discussed what we expected of ourselves and the other, and i thought we had a clear agreement. He obviously felt differently when he decided to start talking to an xboyfriend of his that we had agreed YEARS beforehand was to be off limits for a variety of reasons. i knew something was up and offered many chances for him to tell me what was going on free and clear, & he denied it all. then one night weeks later it all came out, and i admit my jealousy was the end of the relationship- but had he been honest with me from the start things could have been different. open relationships are dangerous... but my personal view of sexuality as a bi male says that it is more or less our nature, but we have to be human enough to be responsiblen & not hurt those we love.

Edited June 22, 2013 by GreenChaser

[einathens]

i guess i didn't read closely enough and i missed a few details. i got that you don't live together yet and he travels for work but it didn't register that you're not in the same country.

how long have you been together? is this a real relationship or just a theory?

his attempting to control your theoretical behavior from halfway round the world does not bode well for you, in my opinion. 'do as i say, not as i do' doesn't work for me.

then again, my open relationship just failed because of communication difficulties, so my opinion is probably biased.

[AversiveSublime]

Greenchaser,

Interesting avatar you got there! And sorry you had to experience that. I too have had a few ex's that were not honest and it came out and destroyed our relationship. Twice it was agreed to be a monogamous thing but it turned out I was the only one following that. I tend to be more monogamously centered when in a relationship but I do have urges and desires from time to time. I can resist those urges if necessary but I prefer to be in a relationship where that isn't necessary. My bf and I agree on that and with him traveling and us living apart it is ideal. This relationship started as a hookup really, actually he was coming to my city and was going to host a gang bang, my second ever after doing my first with Rawtop which was pretty good aside from some tops that should have been screened out but how can you know that beforehand I guess.

Things got messed up and miscommunicated and I decided to back out of the gang bang but we decided to meet anyways, and ever since then we've been dating. Its kind of weird to be honest how that worked out. The gang bang was a total failure too, some jealous queen who had usurped my spot as the premiere bottom couldn't handle sharing the tops and then systematically somehow got everyone to not show up (out of the the usual half if lucky that usually does show up). One guy did come and cum and that was fine and we still had a good weekend together and our relationship evolved from that.

Anyways, we did the group thing again in Palm Springs, sort of, we had a few tops come over to our room at All worlds and breed me, but we agreed that it was maybe too much and to cut that out for a while. Just since then I've not really had the desire to do a group thing really. I don't know what it is really, a combination of things in a way but its just not important to me and I find one on one is enough considering how little we saw each other at times. Its all really new to me in a way too and I have that HIV negative duality inner war going on at time. I've been risky for a very very long time with poz guys, I honestly thought it would happen to me by now but it hasn't and I get bouts of "Maybe I should try to be safe" from time to time. Its a bit of a conundrum because for all my riskiness I don't really want to get an STD but I know ultimately I don't last going safe for any length of time. I suffer some kind of hiv neg guilt or something weird I guess, I am sure someone has a diagnosis for it somewhere. Anyways, aside from that there is the fact that I am not the super bottom slut I thought I was or aspired to be when branching into the group bottom thing. I wish I was but if the tops don't pump and dump my hole just can't take the heat. I know there is a certain amount of preparation mentally that is involved for me. Stress and conflict with the main top who is hosting will upset that for me as I need to know they are on the same page as I am and are watching out for me, ensuring that it doesn't get out of control. Its just kind of complicated I guess and I think its better left to those who don't suffer the same kind of hangups. The idea of being more of a top, or vers really, is much more ideal because I have discovered (always suspected) that I am more of a dominant bottom than a submissive one. I like giving up control to a point as a bottom though, but ultimately I think a more middle of the road alpha vers is more my place in the world of dom/sub top/bottom and its hard for my BF as he is strictly top (but a bit submissive actually). We are just all over the place with trying to figure it out I guess. He's lucky I am not curious about expanding my skills as a fist top though I guess! lol

[AversiveSublime]

i guess i didn't read closely enough and i missed a few details. i got that you don't live together yet and he travels for work but it didn't register that you're not in the same country.

how long have you been together? is this a real relationship or just a theory?

his attempting to control your theoretical behavior from halfway round the world does not bode well for you, in my opinion. 'do as i say, not as i do' doesn't work for me.

then again, my open relationship just failed because of communication difficulties, so my opinion is probably biased.

einathens,

We've been together on and off for a year as of June 8th. It's a real relationship as far as we are concerned. I think his control is more of a fear of being used or something. I can understand that but its ridiculous to me. I am fairly sure that by now he can influence me in ways but ultimately I am going to do what I think is right (for me and everyone else, but sometimes its me first). He is the first guy to have made it this far with me actually and there is something (insanity maybe) that keeps us coming back together. I dunno, for the most part we have good times together and everything, we agree on most things too, just that sometimes we seem to hit these mountains of miscommunication that are really silly. It seems that even the best of relationships have communication difficulties. I don't know why but I can understand them somewhat. I have always forced myself to a higher standard of honesty than most. I just know from seeing it firsthand that it is far better to deal with the backlash of being honest than the pain and terrible backlash of being found out to be liar. People might not take the truth well, but they take a lie way way worse. If only everyone could remember that and fight the urge to take the "easy way". Sorry for you troubles! I hope you can work past it and find someone that you CAN trust. I think that sort of thing just makes us better bullshit detectors in the end. Practice makes perfect!

[open_hole_24_7 Lion]

I can only speak from my experience but back when my 34years long & going stronger than ever began. I was unable to admit even to myself that I had NOT ONE monogamous bone in my body & never had had & never will have. I did not mean to be deceitful I just did not know how to follow what I thought my behavior should be & I did not know how to accept myself as I was. Just kept trying to "be good" & failing miserably. This All is a BIG part of why I say the decision to chase was for me the very best decision I EVER made in my life Once I went there I was finally able to accept myself completely warts & all & even decide what I thought were flaws were actually in most respects the things I like best about myself.

[Guest GoodExercise]

Open means open. Do whatever you want with your body. Whatever you want.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

I agree with GoodExercise. Do your best to respect his desires as long as you respect yours too. I don't see the issue. He is traveling and having unrestricted fun. You should too. When you are together, do whatever you wish together.

[bbzh]

Open relationships require rules. Big time. I'm in my second year of one and it was a steep learning curve. And every couple is different. I don't do threesomes with my bf. We try to abide by "don't ask don't tell" although we sometimes don't honor that. When he's around I don't cruise other guys online. Period. I let the fuckbuds know that when the bf is around, "you back the fuck off because he comes first". We go to bb sex parties together and fuck right in front of each other. But jealousy is a bitch and when it happens we talk about it. And it can be triggered in the some of the strangest situations. I speak French (my bf doesn't). I got fucked by this French guy at a party who I was talking to later. No exchange of names or numbers but I could sense that my bf was getting bent out of shape. So I ended the conversation. Respect each other at all times. And by the way, your bf should not be doing things that you are not allowed to do. Get his ass straight about that like RIGHT NOW. Do understand that his or your sexcapades are probably going to result in a trip to a clinic.