This is why I'm always angry

[Rawdawg13]

OMG...@nlbear, i was just thinking about them this morning.  I hate feeling like a nosy busy body but for some reason his story just strikes a chord inside me.  I did spend many years not just in highly codependednt relationships, I actively sought them out without realizing it.  I guess I just recognize myself in his story.  Hey @ bigdick, i hope all is well.....just know that you're never going to wake up to a different person.  The person you idealize him to be in your mind is just that, in your mind.  That person will never be the man you live with and married, not without professional help.  I hope you've made progress...and I'm not kidding about Dan Savage...reading Dan will at least pass the time so you're not dwelling on the whole situation. 

[Bbikercub]

Have you guys considered relationship counselling together?

or rather a sex counsellor? It sounds like the relationship isn't necessarily the problem, you do things together it's the sex that needs the help.

also something to ask yourself: do you really need the sex with him? There are many gay guys who are together but have sex with others.

[bigdick4you]

On 7/17/2017 at 5:46 AM, NLbear said:

Has anything changed since the last post here and are you any closer to finding out why he behaves like this?

No change...I'm still fucking around and no sex with my own man...it's coming to the point that I simply don't even want to have sex with him

[bigdick4you]

On 7/17/2017 at 7:43 AM, Bbikercub said:

Have you guys considered relationship counselling together?

or rather a sex counsellor? It sounds like the relationship isn't necessarily the problem, you do things together it's the sex that needs the help.

also something to ask yourself: do you really need the sex with him? There are many gay guys who are together but have sex with others.

I am demanding that we do counseling together. In the meantime fucking with others

[MuscledHorse]

is he playing with other guys? If not, then there is reason to suspect it is emotional/physical. How old is he? He may need his testosterone levels checked. Low test = no sex appetite.

[drscorpio]

3 hours ago, bigdick4you said:

I am demanding that we do counseling together. In the meantime fucking with others

Good for you!

[bigdick4you]

On 7/16/2017 at 10:02 PM, Rawdawg13 said:

OMG...@nlbear, i was just thinking about them this morning.  I hate feeling like a nosy busy body but for some reason his story just strikes a chord inside me.  I did spend many years not just in highly codependednt relationships, I actively sought them out without realizing it.  I guess I just recognize myself in his story.  Hey @ bigdick, i hope all is well.....just know that you're never going to wake up to a different person.  The person you idealize him to be in your mind is just that, in your mind.  That person will never be the man you live with and married, not without professional help.  I hope you've made progress...and I'm not kidding about Dan Savage...reading Dan will at least pass the time so you're not dwelling on the whole situation. 

 

On 7/19/2017 at 5:23 AM, drscorpio said:

Good for you!

The other day he was messaging and I asked who he was messaging. It happened to be a straight friend...I hate being like that controlling. But he has made me so insecure by refusing sex that I get like that! He was quick to say I was mistrusting and that it shouldn't matter as we have open relationship...I told him that was true but as long as he doesn't have sex with me he shouldn't have sex with others...he quickly said that I was having sex with others and I said yes I am but I tell u about it and I still want sex with u....he quickly went on that I hid things from him which is not true! He said he probably could not have sex with me again due to the way I behaved!? I told him that he refused to acknowledge the problem and put all the blame on me...he told me that he was going to have sex with others and not tell me about it due to the drama I created!? And I'm like excuse me...u always find a excuse to not be intimate with me for over a year and I'm over reacting!? I just refuse to put up with this bs anymore! I moved for him to a new continent to be treated like this? I don't think so! It just infuriates me and tonight I couldn't even talk to him...the way things stand there is nothing to talk about either!

[NLbear]

What he says doesn't make any sense. I could understand if he said he wasn't feeling like having sex at all at the moment. But if he says he's going to have sex with others but not with you that sounds to me like he wants to punish you for some reason. It's abuse. Not physical, but abuse all the same. He's playing you, like how far he can go before you snap. Is he in a power position because you moved to his country for him and you depend on him to be allowed to stay in the country? What happens with you should you two divorce?

From what you are saying I see the makings of a break-up. And legally he doesn't want to be the 'guilty' party for whatever reason.

[punaman]

time for you to pack up and move out. Back to whatever country you came from. He doesn't love you, want you or need you.  Cut your losses and find someone who wants your hot sexy body and enjoy life again.  You don't deserve this treatment, nobody does.

[bigdick4you]

8 hours ago, NLbear said:

What he says doesn't make any sense. I could understand if he said he wasn't feeling like having sex at all at the moment. But if he says he's going to have sex with others but not with you that sounds to me like he wants to punish you for some reason. It's abuse. Not physical, but abuse all the same. He's playing you, like how far he can go before you snap. Is he in a power position because you moved to his country for him and you depend on him to be allowed to stay in the country? What happens with you should you two divorce?

From what you are saying I see the makings of a break-up. And legally he doesn't want to be the 'guilty' party for whatever reason.

The other day he said said first he was not having sex with others so he doesn't have to go through drama with me...I reminded him that we were in open relationship and that he could have sex with others as I'm doing it too when I'm away on work trips but I told him that it wouldn't make sense him having sex with others if he doesn't have sex with me. He got angry and told me then that if he was going to have sex with others he wouldn't tell me to avoid issues. I'm European but have legal papers through my work to work & reside where I am. I am very blessed that I work for good company and make decent money. In fact I make much more than he does. Not that it matters as that's not how I am wired. I'm not the type to say I make most money and am a top and u spread ur hole for me now...but it's frustrating...that somehow I always end up feeling guilty when I have sex outside the relationship.yesterday I met a cot of town couple that were having a sex party. I was supposed to attend but I told my husband where I was going and his reaction was like r u serious!? I did say in the past that I would only hook up with guys when I'm away for work just to avoid running into them where I live. I told him they were out of towers and that it shouldn't matter. He asked me it was ok for him to do the same. I said of course! Anyway I ended up not going to not upset him.

[bigdick4you]

7 hours ago, punaman said:

time for you to pack up and move out. Back to whatever country you came from. He doesn't love you, want you or need you.  Cut your losses and find someone who wants your hot sexy body and enjoy life again.  You don't deserve this treatment, nobody does.

I'm European but do have the necessary papers to reside in the country. But u r right if I wasn't married to him I would reside somewhere sunny in Europe. I don't need him for anything except for his affection. In fact I make most of the money and have decent paycheck so I don't depend on him. In fact it's the other way around. Not that it matters ...not to me anyway...maybe I should be that way.... isn't there a saying "treat them mean keeps them keen"

[spermy71]

I do feel for you...and have had experienced a very similar relationship. To summarize, I am 100% glad I left. 

I stayed for almost 8 years with a guy who had lots of sex with me when we first met, then withdrew it more and more the more stable our relationship got. He outright cut me off for more than a year. We were living together at that point, and I had such a hard time because I owned the house but he had made it his, and I knew ending the relationship would mean evicting him. I was completely dedicated to making sure he was OK. 

We were very sweet together. From the outside we looked like a great couple. I would always tuck him in at night and we would snuggle a bit. But if I would start nuzzling his neck or going below his waist he would shrug away and say how “that tickled” and I’d stop and wait until he was asleep and then get up and go have sex with the internet. The gentle manner of his refusal was helpful the first hundred or so times, but definitely once I’d been turned away 1000+ times, it just felt like rejection. 

It might have been worse because he requested monogamy, and I had committed to it. I would castigate myself daily for not demanding at least an open relationship, for not speaking up for my needs—even for never cheating. But I knew at some level he was doing all he could and my anger at my situation was matched by concern for him. 

I considered everything mentioned here about what might be wrong. My best guess was that he was abused as a child and was repressing the memory. He lured me into the relationship with sex, and was always very “sexy” in a social situation...but the actual sex act caused anxiety rather than soothing like it did for me. I also think he wanted sex to be kinkier than my normal tendencies.  He could never ask for this, but I intuited that he wanted to be choked and spanked. I’d have been willing if not excited to try this, but I couldn’t play-choke someone with poor lines of communication where I was feeling authentic anger, and he couldn’t ask for what he wanted. 

When we talked he blamed it on frequency of doing the dishes and laundry—he felt like he was stressed at work and had to take care of the house too, and that got him out of the mood. I’m not the biggest neat freak, but also not the biggest slob. I even did all the housework for a month, but he still didn’t get in the mood. But seriously...laundry? 

He blamed me constantly for what was wrong. He didn’t want to be responsible for my sexuality which to him seemed like a “force of nature”. He didn’t want to get fucked anymore because my dick had apparently grown between when we started dating and when we were established. Yup, the only criticisms I got about the sex itself were that I wanted it too often, our encounters lasted too long, and my dick was too big. I submit those three to a jury of my peers. 

But I felt responsible for this man I loved. I gave him so much support I had a hard time believing he could make it on his own. 

Finally, I sold the house for a loss at the housing crash, moved to an apartment with him, got him situated, and then left after a fight we had where I told him I was not expecting myself to be monogamous during a trip to the Gay Games. He stonewalled me, and this was just after he had jokingly threatened to kill me while he was drunk. It was a joking threat, but I fled for my life. I lost many friends because I got so sick of bitching about my lack of sex. It dominated my world. It was so awful I had sunk into a depression where I feared for my life—that some time I would just accidentally turn left into the bay or press the gas instead of the brake with a truck stopped in front of me...because, fuck it, what did I have to live for?

I have not looked back. All the pondering of what might be wrong—it’s not your responsibility. Sexual expression is a key tenet of a couple and it’s a violation of the terms of your relationship to go from “lots” to “none”. If you are concerned that he might not be able to make it on his own, it would be more honest to just send him money every month. That’s kind of what you’re doing now, it’s just dressed up as homemaking. 

So my vote: get out. I don’t know how gay alimony works..you might have to give him half your savings. It’s worth it. This isn’t going away, and your recent apathy is a very bad sign. They say the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy. Withholding sex has caused him to lose you. It’s sad, but it just gets harder if it’s prolonged. 

My heart goes out to you. And him too honestly—he’s got to be in a bad place to behave like this. It’s his job to get the help he needs. Go get your life back. 

Edited February 20, 2018 by spermy71
Loose instead of lose. Grammar police will come and get me!

[Guest Ownthishole72]

i have tried a couple times here to respond... and just can’t get it right as to what I want to say... I as well have been and am in a very similar situation myself.... in my situation he was an only child with a really weird situation.... but that does play a part in it now especially being in an only child situation they never learn to share with others so to say or develope other aspects of maturity and growing as someone that had other siblings around them... all the excuses almost everything is identical in our situations but it took me almost 14 years to finally calling it quits and finally stop trying... I’ll comment later when I can sort of in y head exactly what I want to sa but above all there comes a point you just have to say the hell with it  let it go... be shellfish and be yourself and happy it’s what you deserve and should have above anything in your life... life is to short not to be any other way and I will say especially in my situation... no matter how many times they say they will change or try n work on things ... it just never happens or lasts only very briefly.... I guess in the end hopefully you find what makes you happy and the other person as well... 

[tallslenderguy]

Wow, this is a fascinating thread. It seems to me anyone in this situation should go for couples counseling to figure out the why's behind it and in order to determine a course of action. i don't think it's a healthy relationship, but all that has pretty much been said. 

What did strike me is that the rule of monogamy would be invoked.  I don't think "monogamy" applies in a relationship that has no sex, that's a platonic relationship.