Open relationships question

[cheatingjock]

oh ok.  just didn't know the initials. 

[bbzh]

19 hours ago, xxww said:

I guess that's okay. I'm just not seeing why you need a glorified fuck buddy. I guess my confusion is the unnecessary attachment to a partner. I understand the love is different from sex but it will never make sense to me. For me a relationship is exclusive to partners, if you're fucking everyone there's no exclusiveness to it. That's your partner and everyone else partner too, anyone can get it. Also if I can't get what I need out of a relationship then we don't need to be. I don't care how much I love you, we are just wasting each other's time. I would rather be single and be friends with benefits. But hey I'm not judging open relationships, I'm not in one so it doesn't bother me. I just know it wouldn't work for me, we can be friends with benefits but definitely not with a useless title.

@xxww: It sounds like you've made up your mind, which is good. The only problem I guess is that life doesn't always bend to our rules. There are a lot of people out here who THINK they are in monogamous relationships but they are not. Many people (both sexes) think it's ok if they dip out on the side but their partner should not have that option. I laugh out loud at this.

Assume that the man of your dreams came into your life tomorrow and you fell in love with him. He turns to you one day and says I love you and I want to be with you forever, but I need a little ass on the side from time to time. I will respect you. I won't do it in your face. I won't allow it to develop into a relationship. Would you end the relationship? Would you demote him to friends with benefits, thereby freeing him to form an emotional attachment to someone else?

I think there are a lot of lonely, single people in this world because they want to control/own someone else. When we enter into relationships, we don't turn over the keys to our lives to someone else. There need to be some boundaries of course. But my sexual organs and what I choose to do with them are my decision. I'm willing to compromise, but no one is controlling me.

I was in an open relationship for 3 years and one of the things that kept me sane when it ended was that at least I didn't lose 3 years of sexual freedom and I didn't kick my fuck buddies to the curb.

[tallslenderguy]

I think there's some great responses here. I grew up in a religious culture that didn't allow for my being gay, so I married a woman and was with her 31 years. I might still be together with her if she could have accepted my being gay. The point being, there is so much more to a relationship than sex. 

One of the best 'gifts' to me when it comes to being gay (i.e., different from the norm) is it forced me to question my status quo. As noted above, my status quo was completely restrictive.  Questions like: Who makes the rules about how and why we should live? Who came up with the idea of monogamy/exclusivisity. 

 I doubt one person can provide for all the needs and wants of another: emotionally, physically, mentally. There can be advantages to living with someone in a more intimate than just room mates setting. An open relationship is just a variation on a theme that is not black and white.

[xxww]

14 hours ago, bbzh said:

Assume that the man of your dreams came into your life tomorrow and you fell in love with him. He turns to you one day and says I love you and I want to be with you forever, but I need a little ass on the side from time to time. I will respect you. I won't do it in your face. I won't allow it to develop into a relationship. Would you end the relationship? Would you demote him to friends with benefits, thereby freeing him to form an emotional attachment to someone else?

Yes! Yes I would end it, I'm a tell you why. In open relationships I keep seeing guys saying rules and things we agreed on. If I agreed to do an open relationship and my partner break rules or anything we agreed on, I could never get mad at them for anything. If you give someone an inch they take a mile it's expected. All you can say is I agreed to this no matter how you put it. If I didn't break it off in the beginning, I believe it would be stupid to break it off after he broke rules. If you agree to an open relationship you agree to everything that comes with it. 

 

[JFC1982]

Sounds like it's just not the right choice for you emotionally xxww. I was just in a six-year open relationship that ended -- ultimately what did us in was less the open part, and more the long-distance situation we found ourselves in. When we were together in one place for four years, the open relationship was almost never an issue. We played apart and together, very frequently just the two of us but sometimes in three-ways or with other couples, one or two bathhouse excursions, etc. The only time openness was ever a problem during that time was a moment early in the relationship, when he concealed the fact that he was hooking up with someone from me on a night when I needed him, emotionally. I made it very clear that wasn't acceptable, and it never happened again.

Ultimately we found ourselves living long-distance for an extended period -- two years -- and in that case, our openness DID lead to problems, because after a year or so I developed feelings for a hookup buddy. I told him about it, and told him that it could be serious, but he was unconcerned about it. I broke off the sexual relationship with this person, but remained friends; however, over time, i wanted more and more to be with him. It ultimately didn't pan out, but it did do damage. And even several months after all of that, when my partner still wasn't able to make the move out to where I live now (couldn't find appropriate work), we split, unable to keep it together anymore.

Honestly, I see the problem much more as that of a long-distance relationship than an open one, because even through any feelings of jealousy, we were able to get through it by reasserting each other as our first concern. In an open relationship, your partner is THE most important person emotionally, and "logistically" as well (practical day-to-day life-partner stuff). And they remain the most important sexually even if you're not having sex, because what sex you do have is still governed by the terms you agree on together. If they need to change the terms for their emotional health, then you do it. But I couldn't have the most important person in my life be an absent person, and that's what committing to him long-distance was. Long-distance is bearable for a fixed amount of time, but with no set end date, I found it to be impossible. At the end of the day, I needed somebody here with me.

I do think, when talking about a relationship that lasts for your entire life, a relationship with some degree of sexual openness is important for me, because variety keeps that part of my life -- my sexual confidence and expression -- vibrant and alive. But I'd still always want my partner involved in my sex life to some degree. And I also think it's crucial to start the relationship with an extended period of monogamy, to assert what commitment looks like when the chips are down.

[Guest]

Open relationships is the best, then you can still have sex and fuck with other guys in clubs and everywhere else, I would never be able to stick to just one guy, love groups, love sex clubs and just love to fuck with many different guys, and if your partner is a pig too, then is is no problem, sex with all the guys you want, and a partner to share other things in live with.

[drscorpio]

Guys who are not into open relationships should try to date other guys who feel that way, too. I don't think it is a right-wrong thing; it's a right-for-you/wrong-for-you thing. 

[ChainedBoy]

I was in an open relationship for 20 years. It ended only because my husband died of brain cancer. Five years later, I remarried, and again - ours is an open, loving relationship. Let me attempt to answer your questions...

1. Why would anyone want a open relationship?

- There are any number of reasons...one may have a higher sex drive than the other, or one may have  a medical condition inhibits their ability to engage in sex. Or perhaps they are not sexually compatible ( NEWSFLASH:  You can be in love with a person and not be sexual). Or perhaps they are horny fuckers. There's a countless reasons, any and all of which are valid for a given person or couple.

2. Why do it seem like most of the time there is a lack of something in the relationship that leads to the open relationship?

- Because you are only looking at the surface. You are seeing what those people want you to see..or you are using your own life filter to perceive that relationship in terms you understand. Your perception is not necessarily others' reality.

3. Why wouldn't it be better to just be single?

- For you, perhaps. But obviously not for others.  One can love and be in love and still have sex with others. 

4. Do you ever feel like you're in competition with people your partner meet?

-  Not even once. Love is an emotional bond. Sex is a physical act that CAN BE BUT IS NOT NECCESARILY an expression of love. Certianly, some people insecure in their relationship may feel this way at times. This requires both parties to openly discuss and adhere to ground rules. And when these feelings crop up; have an open and honest dialog about it,

5. How would you feel if you partner seems to enjoy someone else more than you, to the point you maybe losing your partner to them?

- I can see how this could be a concern. I would check my perceptions against reality. How? By talking about my perceptions in exactly those terms. "My Perceptions".

- Jealousy is like rust on a car. It starts small and, if ignored, it spreads until it corrodes everything. But proper maintenance prevents and eliminates any corrosion for affecting the metal.

[seaguy]

On 8/18/2017 at 5:42 PM, JFC1982 said:

Sounds like it's just not the right choice for you emotionally xxww. I was just in a six-year open relationship that ended -- ultimately what did us in was less the open part, and more the long-distance situation we found ourselves in. When we were together in one place for four years, the open relationship was almost never an issue. We played apart and together, very frequently just the two of us but sometimes in three-ways or with other couples, one or two bathhouse excursions, etc. The only time openness was ever a problem during that time was a moment early in the relationship, when he concealed the fact that he was hooking up with someone from me on a night when I needed him, emotionally. I made it very clear that wasn't acceptable, and it never happened again.

Ultimately we found ourselves living long-distance for an extended period -- two years -- and in that case, our openness DID lead to problems, because after a year or so I developed feelings for a hookup buddy. I told him about it, and told him that it could be serious, but he was unconcerned about it. I broke off the sexual relationship with this person, but remained friends; however, over time, i wanted more and more to be with him. It ultimately didn't pan out, but it did do damage. And even several months after all of that, when my partner still wasn't able to make the move out to where I live now (couldn't find appropriate work), we split, unable to keep it together anymore.

Honestly, I see the problem much more as that of a long-distance relationship than an open one, because even through any feelings of jealousy, we were able to get through it by reasserting each other as our first concern. In an open relationship, your partner is THE most important person emotionally, and "logistically" as well (practical day-to-day life-partner stuff). And they remain the most important sexually even if you're not having sex, because what sex you do have is still governed by the terms you agree on together. If they need to change the terms for their emotional health, then you do it. But I couldn't have the most important person in my life be an absent person, and that's what committing to him long-distance was. Long-distance is bearable for a fixed amount of time, but with no set end date, I found it to be impossible. At the end of the day, I needed somebody here with me.

I do think, when talking about a relationship that lasts for your entire life, a relationship with some degree of sexual openness is important for me, because variety keeps that part of my life -- my sexual confidence and expression -- vibrant and alive. But I'd still always want my partner involved in my sex life to some degree. And I also think it's crucial to start the relationship with an extended period of monogamy, to assert what commitment looks like when the chips are down.

Would you consider hooking up with your ex if he moved to your city and you were in an open relationship?

[xxww]

On 8/19/2017 at 8:03 PM, ChainedBoy said:

I was in an open relationship for 20 years. It ended only because my husband died of brain cancer. Five years later, I remarried, and again - ours is an open, loving relationship. Let me attempt to answer your questions...

1. Why would anyone want a open relationship?

- There are any number of reasons...one may have a higher sex drive than the other, or one may have  a medical condition inhibits their ability to engage in sex. Or perhaps they are not sexually compatible ( NEWSFLASH:  You can be in love with a person and not be sexual). Or perhaps they are horny fuckers. There's a countless reasons, any and all of which are valid for a given person or couple.

2. Why do it seem like most of the time there is a lack of something in the relationship that leads to the open relationship?

- Because you are only looking at the surface. You are seeing what those people want you to see..or you are using your own life filter to perceive that relationship in terms you understand. Your perception is not necessarily others' reality.

3. Why wouldn't it be better to just be single?

- For you, perhaps. But obviously not for others.  One can love and be in love and still have sex with others. 

4. Do you ever feel like you're in competition with people your partner meet?

-  Not even once. Love is an emotional bond. Sex is a physical act that CAN BE BUT IS NOT NECCESARILY an expression of love. Certianly, some people insecure in their relationship may feel this way at times. This requires both parties to openly discuss and adhere to ground rules. And when these feelings crop up; have an open and honest dialog about it,

5. How would you feel if you partner seems to enjoy someone else more than you, to the point you maybe losing your partner to them?

- I can see how this could be a concern. I would check my perceptions against reality. How? By talking about my perceptions in exactly those terms. "My Perceptions".

- Jealousy is like rust on a car. It starts small and, if ignored, it spreads until it corrodes everything. But proper maintenance prevents and eliminates any corrosion for affecting the metal.

Hmm this seems reasonable..... answered my questions a little better. I still have more questions but won't waste time with endless questions.

[bigdick4you]

On 8/17/2017 at 11:09 AM, Rawdawg13 said:

@drscorpio-- Is that a challenge where you live??

@xxww--  On my partner and I's first date he told me that he had NEVER not eventually cheated on past BFs.  On our one year anniversary he said "Wow, I've never gone a whole year without cheating,  it must be love!"  On our second anniversary he didn't say shit... so I knew!  So from day one we always knew that eventually we would open it up.  (BTW, I highly recommend reading all the Dan Savage you can.  He is a sex advice columnist, author, gay right activist, genius, etc...I owe a lot of my own personal and relationship happiness to Dan.)  I just don't believe in monogamy.  I mean I believe it exists...it not Big Foot or the Loch Ness monster!  I just believe that we as mammals, and don't forget that we are nothing more than animals with car keys, are not programmed for monogamy.  Its in our DNA.  In the entire animal kingdom I think there are only three or four species scattered through out the entire clave of life forms that practice monogamy.  

Also, on the subject of rules..and everyone is different and must do what works for them.  Most couples have rules by which they live.  This is what works for us.  The rules are...we have no rules!  For us when you start setting perimeters like, "Catholics are fine but not during lent on Fridays,  and only with people whose name starts with S and ends with Q, and never a vegetarian unless they eat fish, etc..." that when things become dicey.  That when it becomes easy to fuck up and accidentally hurt someones feelings and not even mean to for no good reason.  There are one or two things that we live by and its not rules as much as it is just the way we live.  Like no romance with our fuck buddies.  Neither of us is looking for anything other than dick anyway and that just keeps it neat and clean.   And lots of communication.  Just keep talking and communicating.  And thats it.  Those are our...not rules...commandments??  No, that totally doesn't sound right.  Beliefs.  Those are our beliefs.

I can't even explain to you how much closer its brought us.  And our interpersonal sex life is through the roof and off the chain!  I get a hard just listening about an encounter he had.  Hell, I get a hard on watching him have an encounter.   And vise versa.  I guess its not for everyone but mark my words and I'll sign it...eventually someone will stray.  My aunt and uncle married for 48 years were always my go-to example that people can have long term relationships.  Last year we found out my Uncle has been cheating for years.  So yes--eventually someone will stray.  Its literally in our genes (and jeans!) to spread seed.

U make some valid points...I don believe in monogamy either. It works for very few people. Nothing is hotter for me than seeing my partner used or seeing him use other guys.i don't believe in rules but in certain commandments if u like: no sex with friends or going out on dates with FBs. 

[Rawdawg13]

15 hours ago, bigdick4you said:

U make some valid points...I don believe in monogamy either. It works for very few people. Nothing is hotter for me than seeing my partner used or seeing him use other guys.i don't believe in rules but in certain commandments if u like: no sex with friends or going out on dates with FBs. 

How the hell are you?  I just realized who you were!  Have things gotten better??

[bigdick4you]

On 8/23/2017 at 1:37 AM, Rawdawg13 said:

How the hell are you?  I just realized who you were!  Have things gotten better??

Im good but I have been away for work for 2 weeks now. But before I left all is the same

[fisterm8]

ive always wanted an open relationship but never found anyone open enough to discuss it........the type of relationship id prefer is one where my partner chose the guys he wanted to breed me.....id be secretly wishing it was poz guys he chose and he would breed me afterwards - love the thought of different guys loads getting mixed up inside me (hot).........yup its not a fantasy and something ive always wanted - im in UK if any tops want a boyfriend/partner to share out with anyone and have each other rest of time.

[JFC1982]

On 8/20/2017 at 7:20 AM, seaguy said:

Would you consider hooking up with your ex if he moved to your city and you were in an open relationship?

Honestly hard to say. Would depend on how much time has passed, where he is in the process, where I am in the process, etc. Right now absolutely not. But down the line, if we're both happy and satisfied with how our lives are and aren't looking for something else, maybe?