Dealing with frustration

[barecubtop]

I imagine that all of us - some more than others - have been frustrated when it comes to sex/dating/technology.  In particular, we can get frustrated from:

• Apps: people blocking you if they don't like your pictures or stats (age, weight, ethnicity)
• Apps: people just stop talking to you after what feels like a decent, or promising, conversation (ghosting)
• Apps: people saying they're on their way to your place and never show up
• Location: no non-app ways to meet other gay men, forcing you to deal with the above (apps)
• Location: not enough population to choose from for hookups or dating, etc...
• Location: too much population to choose from where everyone is looking for "the next best thing"
• Rejection: you feel as though nobody likes your body, face, dick size, the way you pronounce a certain word, etc...
• Rejection: you get friend-zoned instead of dating or becoming a fuckbuddy
• Rumors:  word gets around that you are "_____" (a slut, have STI's, desperate, etc...) and you feel as though your reputation is ruined
• Blue Balls:  you are extremely horny and you can't find ANYTHING to fuck/suck/ride/lick...
• ...the list goes on and on (feel free to add yours)

So, I have a few questions:

1. Is it just me?  Am I the only person that gets frustrated about these things?  Am I just too sensitive?
2. How do you deal with the frustration?  How long do you let it "fester"?
3. How do you keep faith in this "gay/bi/queer community" that we're supposed to be a part of?
4. If you DON'T get frustrated by these things, why not?  What's the trick?
5. If you manage to avoid some of these frustrations (i.e. by not posting any pics or stats) how do you get around it? 

Thanks in advance, guys.

[ObligingBottom]

To answer your questions:

1. It's not just you. I get frustrated about it as well. And yes, I am a sensitive person, but hey, I'd rather care than not.
2. I actually do sometimes get depressed or upset. But, then I realize all things happen for a reason, and there has to be something better out there for me. And seriously, would I really want someone like that buried deep inside me? No.
3. I don't know if I have faith in the community per se, but I do have faith in individuals. I try to keep those individuals close to me and push away those who are not good for me.
4. I do get frustrated.
5. I don't always avoid the frustration.

I have told this story to a few people privately on here, but I'll share it publicly. I love the karma of it.

I moved to New Zealand to be with my then husband, and it was very hard to find friends. So I advertised on a local dating / friendship site for friends.

I was talking with one guy for a while -- he was an actor (I like acting) and artistic (I'm artistic) and we seemed to get along pretty well.

He sent me a photo of him and hey, not an oil painting but I'm looking for friends, nothing more, and there's really no attractiveness need there in my opinion.

I send him a photo back. He tells me we can't be friends because I'm "not attractive enough".

I'm sure you understand the frustration thing because you sound like me in that regard.

A few months later, I'm out shopping at a local mall for Christmas presents. Someone arrives right next to me, full of happiness and excitement and jazz hands.

"Hey!!!" It's the guy from the friendship Web site.

"Hi. I thought I wasn't attractive enough to be your friend."

"Oh, your photo doesn't do you justice. You're way hotter in real life."

At that point, I was shaking. "Hey, why don't you just fuck off?"

And, after looking incredulous that someone said that to him... he fucked off.

Karma does work sometimes!

I'm sorry this is happening to you but I do understand. Chin up and big hugs.

Edited October 24, 2018 by ObligingBottom

[raunchycumslut]

I've posted on here before about hookup apps/sites and my difficulties with them. I've had people ask to see my pics, then block me or insult me or just say "no thanks" (usually without showing their pics, which pisses me off even more). I've had guys say they were on their way over, then never show up, usually they delete their profile or block me after, but I've had a few guys pull that shit and then hit me up a few days later and act shocked when I tell them I've lost interest. I've had guys give me a hard time for being poz, fucking bare, liking water-sports, liking rimming, liking [insert whatever fetish/kink here]. I try to brush it off but I admit that sometimes shit gets under my skin. I know I am not super handsome, but I also know I'm above-average in looks but after having a dozen guys reject me based on my face pics in an hour or two, I start thinking "Maybe I really am fucking ugly and didn't know it" (like Obliging, I have been told I am MUCH better looking in person than in my pics, even by men who rejected me online then met me in person and wanted to hook up). I've had men flat out tell me "I'm gonna keep looking for someone hotter, but if I don't find anyone, you can suck my dick", then act surprised I say "No thanks, bye".

I think everyone deals with this crap. Even if you're jaw-droppingly hot, you're not going to be everyone's ideal type, and some guys are total assholes when it comes to telling someone else they aren't interested. Also, I know there are tons of guys (some not even gay) that go on apps just to play games/troll/make people feel like shit because it's funny to them or makes them feel better about not getting laid themselves or because they got fondled as a kid and are fucked up for life; whatever the reason, they get off on hurting other people. I acknowledge I'm a hypocrite for saying it (because again, guys on apps do get under my skin more often than I care to admit) but you really have to just shrug if all off and move on to the next potential guy.

One bit of advice? I've made it a rule that I don't ask for pics, but I refuse to give out my pics unless the other guy shows me his pics first, OR we can talk on the phone. That cuts down on trolls and game-players by like half.

[AirmaxUK]

One thing that strikes me about this is expectation setting: when we read posts on sites like this one, we read about guys having successful hot encounters with other guys they've met online. People skip the flakes and the details that aren't so horny about when it doesn't quite work. So we hold ourselves up to a benchmark that is a bit artificial. I enjoyed reading the thread "When hookups get.... strange" which was mainly about guys partying, but it is amusing to see that behind the scenes things go wrong for other guys too, and it's not just me. 

As for apps, I've changed how I used them. When home (small town 40 miles from London) I only use it to keep in touch with people I already know - although I try and move conversation to WhatsApp as soon as I can. I tend to only use the apps for trawling when staying away from home and when I can actually meet or host. I think a lot of guys are on the apps because they are horny and arent really prepared to meet (their flat mate is home, they haven't cleaned out, etc). I dont want to be one of those. 

 

 

[ObligingBottom]

3 hours ago, raunchycumslut said:

...I've had men flat out tell me "I'm gonna keep looking for someone hotter, but if I don't find anyone, you can suck my dick", then act surprised I say "No thanks, bye".

I think everyone deals with this crap. Even if you're jaw-droppingly hot, you're not going to be everyone's ideal type, and some guys are total assholes when it comes to telling someone else they aren't interested. ... I acknowledge I'm a hypocrite for saying it (because again, guys on apps do get under my skin more often than I care to admit) but you really have to just shrug if all off and move on to the next potential guy.

Sorry I’ve trunicated your message, @raunchycumslut but you’ve made a lot of excellent points.

I want to put my 2 cents’ in here because it backs you up.

When you say, “I am not going to be your backup plan”, it really hits home for most of these guys.

When you say, “You said ‘no’, and I’m holding you to that”, it also hits home.

The other night, I had a guy who was average looking but do-able contact me. He sent a face pic, I sent one back. He said he wasn’t interested.

The prick had the fucking audacity to contact me a few nights later when I was feeling a bit precious. He wanted my face pic. I told him no, he’d already rejected me once, and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with rejection that night again. He actually demanded (like, “Excuse me?”) my photo. Again, I repeated what I had said before. This prick had the cheek to demand (not ask. Demand) it from me a third time, and I very firmly said that no meant no, and I wanted him to go away and if he didn’t, I’d be reporting him. He finally got that message.

We don’t have to put up with this sort of abuse, guys. I honestly would rather use my hand and a toy than have to deal with the fucked up abuse because by dealing with this kinda crap, it only reduces my self-worth and my self-esteem. I’ve dealt with enough bullying and crap as a gay kid growing up in suburbia; I’m not putting up with it in my adult life.

In my adult life, I come first, and I have pride in myself; I hope you guys do too because you deserve it. :) 

[Pozlover1]

I had a meskin lined up but he kept hounding me about wanting to know how old I was. 

I never did tell him....

[barecubtop]

9 hours ago, ObligingBottom said:

"Oh, your photo doesn't do you justice. You're way hotter in real life."

Thanks for the "chin up" and the validation that I'm not alone in this.  I've gotten this response as well - see next comment.

7 hours ago, raunchycumslut said:

I know I am not super handsome, but I also know I'm above-average in looks but after having a dozen guys reject me based on my face pics in an hour or two, I start thinking "Maybe I really am fucking ugly and didn't know it" (like Obliging, I have been told I am MUCH better looking in person than in my pics, even by men who rejected me online then met me in person and wanted to hook up).

One bit of advice? I've made it a rule that I don't ask for pics, but I refuse to give out my pics unless the other guy shows me his pics first, OR we can talk on the phone. That cuts down on trolls and game-players by like half.

Sounds like we've been through many of the same experiences, and that all three of us (me, you, and Obliging) know we aren't unattractive in real life but we just aren't photogenic.  As a side note on that, I'll say "I'm not very photogenic" before I send a pic and the guy will inevitably respond with "you are too" or "you're handsome" or "you're cute"...but it still ends up with them not continuing the conversation.  So apparently admitting you're not photogenic will at least get you some fake compliments. 

Good suggestion on the 'not sending pics until they do' idea.  I've tried that before and it's been hit or miss.  The phone thing also sounds like a good idea, but nowadays so many people are so afraid of actually talking on the phone (I still enjoy having long phone calls with friends, though). 

6 hours ago, AirmaxAndy said:

One thing that strikes me about this is expectation setting: when we read posts on sites like this one, we read about guys having successful hot encounters with other guys they've met online. People skip the flakes and the details that aren't so horny about when it doesn't quite work.

As for apps, I've changed how I used them. When home (small town 40 miles from London) I only use it to keep in touch with people I already know - although I try and move conversation to WhatsApp as soon as I can.

Yes, you're right about the expectations.  When I was in Chicago last, I went to a bookstore that has a large LGBTQ section and picked up a book about how porn influences what gay men think is sexy and how it informs us of what sex "should" be (which, in many cases is unrealistic)...I haven't started reading it yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

I live about 40 miles away from a bigger city (Indianapolis) here in the US. I guess my question to you with your app usage is what you do at home?  Do you just have enough regulars in your town to keep you satisfied sexually? Do you go into London on a regular enough basis that you just have your fun there?  I ask as there are really no other options to meet men in my town other than the apps.  We do not have any gay bars or clubs.  And despite the fact that I'm a graduate student at a major university, we don't have any kind of graduate student gay organizations or anything (it's a very conservative campus in general, unlike most universities).

4 hours ago, ObligingBottom said:

We don’t have to put up with this sort of abuse, guys. I honestly would rather use my hand and a toy than have to deal with the fucked up abuse because by dealing with this kinda crap, it only reduces my self-worth and my self-esteem. I’ve dealt with enough bullying and crap as a gay kid growing up in suburbia; I’m not putting up with it in my adult life.

In my adult life, I come first, and I have pride in myself; I hope you guys do too because you deserve it. :) 

While these are wise words, it's sometimes hard not to allow ourselves to be abused in the process, especially if we're vulnerable and hopeful of some kind of connection (physical or emotional).  I do have pride in myself for being who I am and where I am in life...which then brings up the internal question, "I'm a catch, why do none of these guys see that and why aren't they interested??" 

 

Thanks for the responses so far, and for any that are to come.  Getting feedback from all of you is helpful - and a lot cheaper than sitting with a therapist!  LOL

[tighthole64]

Although it sucks, Ive gotten use to it.  Finding a top around here that is interested in breeding an older bottom bear is quite the challenge, Ive pretty much given up on the gay aps, at least locally, as its the same guys on all of them.  I do find it funny though that the same guy on different aps often reacts differently to you. The aps seem to work better while traveling.  Fresh meat I guess. 

[BerlinGuy]

It gets worse. I  basically can’t get anyone to even reply when I want to bottom simply cuz I’m not a 23yo jock, full stop.

Is it me? Don’t think so, cuz when I’m online as a top I get many offers, including from guys much younger and better looking than me. Problem is I top only cuz if I didn’t I’m pretty sure I would never have sex again.  

Being gay has ruined my life, and I’m being dead serious. I was never very good at this gay but after 50 it’s so grim I don’t know how to handle it

[gwmxyz]

My friend Anthony is only into white guys.  It's easy to tell his type: white, not American (bizarre, I know) and alive.  Anyhow he's chatting online one day to this guy who fits the bill and Anthony agrees to go to his place.  He opens the door and is the guy is Chinese. The pictures he sent were not of him and the description all made up.  When Anthony points this out the guy says "well you're here now, you might as well fuck me anyway".

Or I once took a 45 minute cab ride almost to the Chinese border with this guy who was chatting the whole way.  Except when I was 2 minutes away he switched his phone off, leaving me to take another cab back.

It doesn't really bother me. I feel more sorry for them that they feel they can't do what they plainly want to.  I wasted two 45 min cab rides.  I bet the other guy had wasted years. 

There are good surprises too.  I've also met guys who put their worst pics online - so that nobody is disappointed on the day.  And as for growing old, I can see that it might get a bit harder but that's not to say impossible.  I was at Uni with a guy whose ideal man was FW de Klerk (looks, not politics/achievements) - while to me (and I don't mean to be offensive) that's what blindfolds were invented for.

As Randy Crawford said, "men will want you because life don't haunt you".  WIth that and taking loads bb you'd seem to have most of what guys are looking for.     

[Pozlover1]

Yes I look pretty good but never mention my age. 

So many bottoms out there.

three years ago I had a Black trick clean out my wallet during sex. 

I no longer expect much.

 

[ErosWired]

2 hours ago, Pozlover1 said:

three years ago I had a Black trick clean out my wallet during sex. 

Wait - during sex? As in, multitasking?

 

Frustrating to me is when I’m hosting at a hotel, a 51-year-old total bottom, and some young, hung guy - usually black so far but not always - hits me up on Grindr with “u generous?”

After that, the conversation usually goes something like this:

”Dude, I’m hosting. I’m only generous with my ass, but you can have all of that you want.”

”u got cash?”

”Man, I never have to pay to get fucked. Tops come to me and I service them. Some weekends I get fucked 15-20 times. You’re talking to the wrong guy.”

At this point, after a pause, the response usually goes one of two ways. The guy either says, “Who’d wanna fuck your flabby ol ass” or he says, “You got HIV?”

If I were to answer the latter question, I would get hit with a stream of abuse about how I’m a cesspool of filth spreading disease and contagion out of my “fag AIDS hole”.

In both cases the young fuck then blocks me and disappears.

I suppose I could just start blocking them from the moment they say “u generous?” but he obviously hasn’t bothered to read my profile, I do take a tiny little bit of satisfaction in telling the little prostiyouknowhatimean that he’s irrelevant.

[Cumjunky215]

Interesting topic.  It was easier meeting guys when I was younger (duh) and sex apps drive me crazy because they're basically making guys more fickle than when you walk down the street and deal with them face-to-face or in a bar.  There are times that when I walk down the street I catch guys looking at me, pretty often as today turned out.  Or keep looking at me in a coffeehouse or cafe.  I don't resemble George Clooney or Frankenstein but they look.  Sometimes I look back and smile or nod my head, or turn my head if they walked by.  I may get a reaction--often positive.  If we talk they don't want me to bottom (which I am) and sometimes they have a laundry list of baloney I am expected to perform on them--I am pretty basic with a little "kink" but nothing stellar.  I've had people that I got along with in a brief pick-up conversation say I am too "good" or "polished" for them (being literate?  well-washed?).

I'm not sure what todays gay/bi guy wants and I'm not sure they know themselves.  If I'm away or overseas I have less trouble.

[ErosWired]

38 minutes ago, Cumjunky215 said:

and I'm not sure they know themselves.

I think you're onto something there.

A few years ago at the Kentucky State Fair, they were big on jams and jellies, and they had two tents where you could see what was on offer and buy them. In one tent, they had jams and jellies from all over the Commonwealth, dozens of different kinds (we have 120 counties after all), but in the other they had only a few selections. As it turned out, sales in the tent with dozens of choices were lackluster, but sales in the tent with limited choices were very good. Why? Because if people are given too many variables, it becomes too difficult to make a decision.

Guys who stare at porn and apps constantly, flicking from image to image and profile to profile are deluged with options, and can't possibly reflect on what they really find attractive, let alone what they really want in a partner. A guy who doesn't drown himself in options is more likely to go to a place like a bathhouse or an ABS and take what's on offer without being too damn picky.

When Henry Ford developed the Model T to sell as the car of the world, he announced in 1909, "Any customer can have a car painted any colour he wants so long as it is black."

[Davidc]

I just block guy on line who mess me about.

These days I cruse or go to saunas , at least it an honest transaction .