In need of a father figure

[Omnivac]

I know this topic may be outside of the aim of this forum, however since it's targeting a gay audience I hope someone would like to comment/discuss.

I'm a 24yo closeted guy. Last year I graduated from medical school. From my 2nd year of medical school I'm working in parallel in some biology projects in a lab with a professor. I mostly did this because at my ealry years in medical school I thought I didn't like clinical practice and I was more of the lab rat type. I changed my mind later but I was happy with this collab so I went on. Some months ago we went on a business trip where we met a second professor (from the same country as we). He and my professor were friends. From the very first time I saw him I felt something for him. He was kinda sexy, but most of all he was smart and talented. I was kinda shy (because it was just me and two professors and he tried to make some jokes to break the ice). We went all of us for a long walk (in a foreign country). My professor had to go for a professional date so we got split. The other professor (let's call him John) texted me to check if I made it back. From that moment I felt he cared for me. We texted and texted and met the same night. Nothing sexual happened but I could feel the chemistry (I don't mean sexually but we really matched). He talked me about his family (wife+2 sons) and he gave me some career advice.

Since then, we text every day. We even meet but mostly on a weekly basis. I'm kinda under his spell, I feel. He makes me happy. We go to the movies, we go to restaurants. I can't decipher if it's something sexual going on, or if it's more of a mental thing. One day we started to talk and I told him some things about me. I told him that my father died and he went teary. That was quite of a surprise. That empathy touched me. I like the protection that I feel from him. I like everything about him. I struggle inside me to make him feel as happy as he makes me feel.

So I really don't know what's going between us. I need to discuss that with someone. I do feel a sense of guilt as he's cheating on his wife with me. 

[hntnhole]

Welcome, Omnivac, and thanks for the post. 

After reading your post twice, I think you're experiencing what most of us have, at one time or another.  But the last line of your post is also "telling".  Since he's cheating on his wife with you, that implies your friendship with this man is a bit deeper than the preceding parts of your post make clear.  It sounds like you're already fucking now.  

There's nothing wrong with experiencing "feelings" for another man.  It's quite common when we first begin to deal with our sense of who and what we are.  There's nothing wrong with allowing those feelings to progress to including sex either.  It's not up to you to decide whether he's "cheating" on his wife - that's his business - not yours.  If you feel really guilty, I'm sorry to know that.  Being with this man makes you happy, and it would appear that he feels much the same being with you.  If the man is gay, but got married at some point to a woman, that's not your fault.  It may not be his either, given cultural pressures to get married.  

Since you and he have developed a close relationship across-the-board, why not share your sense of "guilt" with him - gently, of course.  Allow him to know your feelings, and respond to them.  That's only being fair with each other.  

I notice your profile is a bit scant regarding details, so if you haven't already, take all the precautionary steps to protect your health.  These are extensively discussed in other threads here, and by very qualified professional men who know and understand the medical issues.  Perhaps you do too, given your chosen profession.  

Thanks for the post, and again, welcome. 

[ErosWired]

I’m a bit confused. You don’t seem to indicate in your narrative that your interaction with this man has progressed to anything sexual, although the language you use suggests that your thoughts toward him are at least partially sexual in nature. If he is not having sex with you or discussing the prospect of it, I don’t see how your conversations amount to him cheating on his wife with you. Presumably the man has other friends as well; a married man still maintains regular relationships with other people that do not infringe upon his marriage. The fact that your thoughts may be sexual in nature does not necessarily equate to cheating on his part.

Further confusing, the title of your topic says you’re in search of a father figure, but that doesn’t seem to be what you’re actually asking about. A person searching for a father figure is usually looking for someone to fulfill the paternal role of a parent - which by any normal standard does not include sexual relations (the twisted fantasies of some participants of this forum notwithstanding).

As he is the father if two sons already, he may simply have “taken you under his wing” to mentor and support; or he may like you simply as a friend, finding you of similar mind. It may be as simple as that. Be cautious of projecting your own feelings onto him and then assuming he feels as you do.

In any event, as you consider his potential motivations, do so following the principle of Occam’s Razor, according to which the simplest explanation should be preferred to one that is more complex.

[Omnivac]

8 hours ago, hntnhole said:

Welcome, Omnivac, and thanks for the post. 

After reading your post twice, I think you're experiencing what most of us have, at one time or another.  But the last line of your post is also "telling".  Since he's cheating on his wife with you, that implies your friendship with this man is a bit deeper than the preceding parts of your post make clear.  It sounds like you're already fucking now.  

There's nothing wrong with experiencing "feelings" for another man.  It's quite common when we first begin to deal with our sense of who and what we are.  There's nothing wrong with allowing those feelings to progress to including sex either.  It's not up to you to decide whether he's "cheating" on his wife - that's his business - not yours.  If you feel really guilty, I'm sorry to know that.  Being with this man makes you happy, and it would appear that he feels much the same being with you.  If the man is gay, but got married at some point to a woman, that's not your fault.  It may not be his either, given cultural pressures to get married.  

Since you and he have developed a close relationship across-the-board, why not share your sense of "guilt" with him - gently, of course.  Allow him to know your feelings, and respond to them.  That's only being fair with each other.  

I notice your profile is a bit scant regarding details, so if you haven't already, take all the precautionary steps to protect your health.  These are extensively discussed in other threads here, and by very qualified professional men who know and understand the medical issues.  Perhaps you do too, given your chosen profession.  

Thanks for the post, and again, welcome. 

Thank you for your warm welcome. Truth is we haven't done anything sexual so cheating technically does not apply. But in my mind why should a married straight guy spend so much time with someone the age of his son just to be friends? Something doesn't feel right about it. And from his part I think it would sound weird to his wife to say hey i'm going to dinner with someone that I met abroad and since then we're buddies.

I try to protect my health and getting updated, thank you for your advice 🙂

[Omnivac]

2 hours ago, ErosWired said:

I’m a bit confused. You don’t seem to indicate in your narrative that your interaction with this man has progressed to anything sexual, although the language you use suggests that your thoughts toward him are at least partially sexual in nature. If he is not having sex with you or discussing the prospect of it, I don’t see how your conversations amount to him cheating on his wife with you. Presumably the man has other friends as well; a married man still maintains regular relationships with other people that do not infringe upon his marriage. The fact that your thoughts may be sexual in nature does not necessarily equate to cheating on his part.

Further confusing, the title of your topic says you’re in search of a father figure, but that doesn’t seem to be what you’re actually asking about. A person searching for a father figure is usually looking for someone to fulfill the paternal role of a parent - which by any normal standard does not include sexual relations (the twisted fantasies of some participants of this forum notwithstanding).

As he is the father if two sons already, he may simply have “taken you under his wing” to mentor and support; or he may like you simply as a friend, finding you of similar mind. It may be as simple as that. Be cautious of projecting your own feelings onto him and then assuming he feels as you do.

In any event, as you consider his potential motivations, do so following the principle of Occam’s Razor, according to which the simplest explanation should be preferred to one that is more complex.

Yo are right. We had never had sex or anything close to it so far. Sometimes he will kiss me in the cheek or in the forehead (which is a bit funny because I'm taller). It just doesn't make sense to me that a straight married guy would spend so much time with someone so much younger that he just met in a business trip. I also think there is also a mild flirting. We do compliments to each other. I'm not rushing anything.

About the father figure, he feels like one. And actually he's the one that told me that he sees my as one of his sons and I should him as my father and friend. So that felt very good. The takin under his wing part I think it's true. And I also find him very attractive yet I'm too shy to do anything. We've slept two times together. One when we were abroad the night we went out. I slept in his bed. Nothing sexual happened although I was sure it would. He saw me shirtless and said that girls will fall in love with me at the beach (which I took it as an indirect way to say that he liked what he saw). I woke up earlier and went back to the hotel were I stayed so as the other professsor didn't understand. From his reactions later we kinda kept that in secret from the professor. And the secnd time in his office where he has a bed. Still nothing happened but I kinda hugged him in my sleep.

[backdoorjimmy]

6 hours ago, Omnivac said:

Yo are right. We had never had sex or anything close to it so far. Sometimes he will kiss me in the cheek or in the forehead (which is a bit funny because I'm taller). It just doesn't make sense to me that a straight married guy would spend so much time with someone so much younger that he just met in a business trip. I also think there is also a mild flirting. We do compliments to each other. I'm not rushing anything.

Not having sex doesn't mean there isn't an emotional affair, which is what it seems like this is. To be honest, it sounds like you're filling a hole in his life (no pun intended) and he's filling one in yours. And sometimes the flirty moments and innuendo between two guys can feel magical and when the sex finally happens (if it ever does), it's more intense.

7 hours ago, Omnivac said:

About the father figure, he feels like one. And actually he's the one that told me that he sees my as one of his sons and I should him as my father and friend. So that felt very good. The takin under his wing part I think it's true. And I also find him very attractive yet I'm too shy to do anything. We've slept two times together. One when we were abroad the night we went out. I slept in his bed. Nothing sexual happened although I was sure it would. He saw me shirtless and said that girls will fall in love with me at the beach (which I took it as an indirect way to say that he liked what he saw). I woke up earlier and went back to the hotel were I stayed so as the other professsor didn't understand. From his reactions later we kinda kept that in secret from the professor. And the secnd time in his office where he has a bed. Still nothing happened but I kinda hugged him in my sleep.

It sounds like he's trying to take things slowly. Maybe because he sees the potential for a relationship, or maybe because he's having an internal moral conflict about what he should do here. If I were you, I'd enjoy the attention and soak up as much of this as possible.

I grew up without a dad and I craved this kind of affection. When I was 16 I sought out my dad's best friend and he took me under his wing to teach me how to be an adult while also heaping affection onto me. I found myself going back and forth, seeing him as a father figure and also being aroused all the time. At the end of the day, he turned out to be an important man in my life but not a lover, and that was okay because that was what I needed from him. Maybe that's what you need right now, too.

[Guest]

Maybe for the some reason the man does not have that type of relationship with his own son and is filling the void with you. A mentorship is a very beautiful thing and can get ruined once sexual gestures come about. Take it very slow, you seem bright enough to know the signs to get the green light. There are plenty of older men to have sex with if you want to experience that, but a mentorship with the right kind of man doesn't come around often. 

People are put in your path for a specific reason.

[BannedWord]

I'm trying to get the dynamic here because it sounds as if this breached what would be a purely professional relationship back when he kissed you or you both slept in the same bed. If you're seeking a mentor, there should be a bit of a personal boundary around that relationship, but the statements you've made suggest that he seems like more like a friend, or you have feelings for him that remain unresolved. 

I'm not going to suggest being a home wrecker here, but you seem to be getting mixed signals from your interactions and from your description he seems to be giving those off. You said you were closeted, so I wonder if your descriptions are something that you may be projecting onto him, but let's not assume that for now. It seems like you've fallen into some sort of friendship. I might ask the question of "what are we" in a way that isn't quite as off-putting. Say "if you had to describe our interaction, how would you describe it?" Then let him drive the answer and clarify. He's also given you at least one opening to probe that you may have ignored: When he complimented you on how you looked with your shirt off and he said that the girls would like that. That might give you an opening to come out to him so that he's aware that you're not into women. ("You said that the girls would like me with my shirt off, but how about the boys?") See what the outcome might be.

Or you can also come right out and ask "where do you see our interaction leading". That could lead into a conversation about whether you're misreading signals (this is something I've been complete shit at too) and just want to be sure that you understand him better. I think that's non-threatening enough, and I'd certainly not be off-put by that sort of conversation.

Regardless, it seems like you owe it to yourself to understand your relationship -- is it professional, or has it crossed that line -- and clarify it so that you don't hang your hat on ducking around the topic. Good luck!

[Omnivac]

@backdoorjimmy Actually he had me wonder (or even worse, fear) that he could do that with many boys of my age. But I can't ignore the fact that all these months nothing sexual has occured and he has given me such attentiion and time. So I believe that's not a habit of his, rather something that happened spontaneously.  I can really feel you about ur dad's best friend. I have a feelng that it may turn sexual with us. He asks me what kind of present do I want for my birthday. I know he wants to buy me something expensive but I've no need of a sugar daddy.

@Muscledadbod I see no reason for not having that relationship with his son. I've met him, he's a beautiful guy and his dad is proud of him. I do believe that people in one's way are there for a reason.  Today we were just talking about our work outs, I told him about my boxing training (i do boxing and crossfit) and he said (as a joke) that he should be careful because my punches could be dangerous. I told him I would never dothat, he told me that he knows I wouldn't and he put his fingers in my hair to mess them and damn I just felt vulnerable that moment.

 

@TheSRQDude Indeed I should somehow ask him. I've noticed that when his wife calls him (or his sons) he's kinda vague in his answer regarding where he is. We talk a lot via the messenger up, he calls me little one there. Sometimes I wanna ask him "Why me, what's so special about me?". I mean he spends way too much time for me. He's a married professor he has endless things to occupy himself and yet he spends time with me. Adequate and quality time. But If I were to reverse that questiion and think why him? I don't know. From whence my eyes looked at his face I felt something. And I'm not necessarily talking about love. We had fun from our very first words. Plus, he asked me if I want to join him in a conference abroad today. That would mean 3 days in the same hotel (but maybe seperate rooms?).

 

[ErosWired]

Something seems off about this dynamic in that you are 24 years old, yet referring to yourself as a boy, and he to you, if I understand you correctly, as ‘little one’. You are not a boy. You are an adult, and should be treated, and expect to be treated, as a man, not as a child. Even if a mentoring relationship is based on an understanding that there is a gap of age and experience between you, that does not give the elder license to regress you to a pre-adult. In other words, just because a man is old enough to be your father doesn’t mean he can treat you like his child. I should think it important to ensure that he looks at you in the proper adult context before wrangling with other issues.

[Omnivac]

6 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Something seems off about this dynamic in that you are 24 years old, yet referring to yourself as a boy, and he to you, if I understand you correctly, as ‘little one’. You are not a boy. You are an adult, and should be treated, and expect to be treated, as a man, not as a child. Even if a mentoring relationship is based on an understanding that there is a gap of age and experience between you, that does not give the elder license to regress you to a pre-adult. In other words, just because a man is old enough to be your father doesn’t mean he can treat you like his child. I should think it important to ensure that he looks at you in the proper adult context before wrangling with other issues.

Maybe it's the transition from italian to english. In Italy we would call someone ragazzo which basically means boy even if he was an adult. As long as you don't look like an old man you can be called ragazzo. So maybe in english that would sound strange, but not in our culture. I do understand your point though. Although it could have some elements of that, I don't think it's true. He will give me career advice and he would mentor me. From my side I try to show him that I'm good at what I do and I think he beliieves it, judging from his actions.

[backdoorjimmy]

17 hours ago, Omnivac said:

@backdoorjimmy Actually he had me wonder (or even worse, fear) that he could do that with many boys of my age. But I can't ignore the fact that all these months nothing sexual has occured and he has given me such attentiion and time. So I believe that's not a habit of his, rather something that happened spontaneously.  I can really feel you about ur dad's best friend. I have a feelng that it may turn sexual with us. He asks me what kind of present do I want for my birthday. I know he wants to buy me something expensive but I've no need of a sugar daddy

Honestly, it sounds like you’re someone special to him. Whether or not your relationship remains platonic, you clearly hold a place in his heart. If you don’t want a gift for your birthday, maybe you can ask him to hang out instead. Go to a movie, go for a drive or just hang out and watch tv. Based on what you’ve written here, he’d probably love to spend some quality time with you. 

[Omnivac]

4 hours ago, backdoorjimmy said:

Honestly, it sounds like you’re someone special to him. Whether or not your relationship remains platonic, you clearly hold a place in his heart. If you don’t want a gift for your birthday, maybe you can ask him to hang out instead. Go to a movie, go for a drive or just hang out and watch tv. Based on what you’ve written here, he’d probably love to spend some quality time with you. 

I hope I am. Maybe it's not helpful that I'm always thinking about it. My worry is that he has two sons which seem very nice guys. Why not spend his time with them? Have they failed him somehow? He will often talk about his older son and not as frequently for his younger but still he seems to adore his boys. That makes me worry that I could fail him too somehow, because he seems to believe in me and I want to make him proud. Plus, the professor that I'm currently working with does not know how close are we with this professor. Technically they are "almost friends" but I know more things than he does.

[DarkroomTaker]

Dont wish to burst any bubbles, but if he is doing what you are saying, fingering hair, sharing a bed etc, then professional boundaries are being crossed here.

Please dont let things run away, but it sounds very bizare behaviour that he is displaying, unethical as in not in accord with the standards of a profession, a position of trust.

Ask him.

[hungry_hole]

On 6/3/2022 at 1:46 AM, Omnivac said:

But in my mind why should a married straight guy spend so much time with someone the age of his son just to be friends?

Inter-generational friendships between men are very special because competition stops having so much relevance. The older man is supposed to have knowledge of life and thus able to guide the younger man, and the younger man has the beauty and strength in his body.