Cheat or not?

[Guest]

So my boyfriend who has been out for just a couple of years says he doesn't want or need sex to be happy in a relationship.

We've been together 5 months. He's kissed me but no sloppy wet tongue kisses and I've never seen him naked. We've never made out, I've never sucked him off. 

He's the sweetest man I've ever met and treats me like a king.

But I need to get sex. I need to feel a man inside me and feel him dump a load or two in me.

I don't know if I should cheat or just be happy jacking off by myself.

 

 

 

[7bb86]

Deffo cheat and be a slut

[ellentonboy]

2 minutes ago, PolishXmasTree said:

So my boyfriend who has been out for just a couple of years says he doesn't want or need sex to be happy in a relationship.

We've been together 5 months. He's kissed me but no sloppy wet tongue kisses and I've never seen him naked. We've never made out, I've never sucked him off. 

He's the sweetest man I've ever met and treats me like a king.

But I need to get sex. I need to feel a man inside me and feel him dump a load or two in me.

I don't know if I should cheat or just be happy jacking off by myself.

 

 

 

Okay let me just revisit this without coming across as a "mean girl".   You have been together five months and have never seen him naked?  You have never sucked him off?  Now listen this is not 1951, and you are not Donna Reed.  Okay you may know who that is, but what I am saying is that you have been more than patient, not seeing him naked and not having sex after a significant amount of time is a warning sign.  Something is up with this guy, I think he is unsure of his sexuality.

If you are happy without having sex, and you love him, then I am happy for you.  But to hear this situation I think there are some warning signs you need to pay attention to.

How long are you supposed to wait for sex?  What is an appropriate time?  You have needs, and those needs need to be met.

I think you need to have a frank and honest conversation with him, because frankly, you may be wasting your time.

I am not being skeptical, I wish you the best.  But get some answers now!

[onlyraw]

It sounds like he could actually be asexual 

talk to him about it - and the I agree with ellentonboy you have to decide if you can be happy

would an asexual relationship be fulfilling for you?

or you can have an arrangement where x number of times a month you can go out and have sex with other guys

if he really is a great sweet guy- you need to be honest with each other and figure it out now- before you both get hurt

 

[NWUSHorny]

It sounds like you have already figured out you can't maintain an exclusive relationship with him, unless he discovers at least some interest in sex. I think you need to admit this to him and try to have a discussion about where this can go. I know I could not stay in a sexless exclusive relationship.

[badjujuboy]

A conversation is definitely in order. As @ellentonboy said, there are warning signs. You need to figure out what is acceptable for you in a relationship and prioritize that. I have seen many couples where one of them has “settled.” To me, I refuse to settle. 

Edited July 30, 2022 by badjujuboy

[DarkroomTaker]

Talk.....Talk...to him.

[hntnhole]

3 hours ago, PolishXmasTree said:

So my boyfriend who has been out for just a couple of years says he doesn't want or need sex to be happy in a relationship.

#1.  "Has been out ..."    I'm assuming you mean 'out-of-the-closet', as in openly gay?  If not, what do you mean?

#2.  "just a couple of years"  If he's been out of the closet for 2 years, but doesn't need sex to be happy in a relationship, what does he need out of a relationship?  Does that mean he's a-sexual?  Does that mean he doesn't need "relationship" sex, but does need 'outside' sex with strangers?  You call him your 'boyfriend', but there's no sex with him.  That's not a "boyfriend" relationship, that's a "roommate" relationship - at best.  Your question implies whether you should "cheat" or not.  Cheat on what?  There's nothing to cheat on in the first place.  Relationships are two-way constructs.  Each guy gives what the other needs, and gets what he needs.  Give and take.  Sharing.  If he's your roommate, you're not cheating on anyone when you head out for sex.  If he's your boyfriend, that implies a closer construct that would normally need an honest conversation to discuss needs being met and those not being met.  

4 hours ago, PolishXmasTree said:

We've been together 5 months. He's kissed me but no sloppy wet tongue kisses and I've never seen him naked. We've never made out, I've never sucked him off.

There are tons of relationships like yours.  They're called platonic relationships, and they're perfectly acceptable.  One thing they're not called though, is "boyfriend".  He treats you like a king, and that's great, but it's not meeting your sexual needs.  Thus, whatever your relationship is, it's not giving you what you need.  Have you discussed this issue with him? Does he know that you and he see the issue of sex differently?  It sounds like you could be happy enough by heading out solo to get fucked, and that might be enough for you. That said, it would be far better for you to tell - tell him that you are unfulfilled in (at least) one important way, and you need to get the issue resolved.  

 

4 hours ago, PolishXmasTree said:

I don't know if I should cheat or just be happy jacking off by myself.

 

1.  The word "cheat" implies a previous commitment not to have outside sex.  Is that the case?  If so, then you should re-visit the subject with him, since it's not proving sufficient for your sexual needs.  He must accept that your needs for getting fucked are equally valid as his for not having sex are.  If he's not comfortable having sex, so be it.  That's his choice, right?  His reticence cannot be controlling of your needs though.  That's entirely unfair to you, to the relationship, and eventually to him. 

2.  Would you be happy merely jacking off all by yourself?  It doesn't sound like it, since you're already considering getting outside sex.  I certainly wouldn't call it cheating though, since you're not having sex with him after 5 months.  You don't mention whether or not you made any promises to him, so we can't comment on that issue.  

I think you should have a frank conversation with him, explain it all, and see how he handles this exceptionally odd "boyfriend" set-up.  Then, you'll have your answer, and you won't have to carry the burden of "cheating" on someone you clearly care deeply about.

Good luck !!

[ejaculaTe]

There's a post captioned "Give me the gift please" by PolishXmasTree which was posted Wednesday in one of the Backroom forums. I mention it only because, for me at least, it cast a little more light on PolishXmasTree's thinking.

[BootmanLA]

One of my favorite advice columnists has written, many a time, that sometimes cheating is the least bad option there is, and it's defensible under certain limited circumstances.

I don't see any of those here. It would be one thing if you had been with this guy for 15 or 20 years, or you owned a house or business together, AND you'd had a healthy sex life in the past but his interest has dwindled and he's not interested in meeting your needs any longer.

But you've been with him all of five months. You haven't had sex yet (oral or anal). You haven't even made out.

Dude, he is not your boyfriend. He's a well-meaning friend with no benefits, someone you no doubt want to keep close as a friend (and yay for that), and maybe even socialize together frequently.

But - He.Is.Not.Your.Boyfriend. Boyfriends may or may not have actually had intercourse yet - a rare few do wait for a good while before having sex the first time. But you haven't even made out. 

Does he even know you consider him a boyfriend?

As many people above have noted; the person you need to talk with is not us on this board, but him. Or, rather, you need to ask him questions, and then listen to his answers. Such as:

--How do you see the relationship between us - good friends, dating, something serious, or what?

--If it's in any way romantic, what are your feelings about sex? Are you expecting that we will have it, someday, or is that not important to you?

--If he has no interest in sex, but he has romantic feelings for you: What are your expectations regarding my sex needs? Do you expect me to repress them or am I free to satisfy that part of my life elsewhere?

--If it's not romantic, that means I'm free to seek romance and/or sex elsewhere, right, and we still have whatever we have in terms of friendship, right?

And so on.

At the worst, you may break up "whatever this is" - but dude, again, this isn't a boyfriend as things stand now. It's clear you need more than you're getting currently, and the time to find out if you're ever going to get it with him is now, not five years from now when you've bought a house together and then you find out he never intends to have sex. Or not nearly frequently enough to satisfy you.

 

[Guest]

i'd break up with him. there are so many people to meet; he's not a good match. 5 months is long enough. Find a guy who treats you good and likes to fuck; it's not too much to ask. 

[hntnhole]

13 hours ago, ejaculaTe said:

I mention it only because, for me at least, it cast a little more light on PolishXmasTree's thinking.

Ahhhhh ..... thanks for the tip.  I seldom read those threads, so this was my first read of his posts.  Thanks !!

[hntnhole]

20 hours ago, ejaculaTe said:

it cast a little more light on PolishXmasTree's thinking.

Yeah, found it, and a couple of others.  Hardly my cup of whiskey.  Thanks.  

[Guest]

On 7/30/2022 at 12:26 PM, onlyraw said:

It sounds like he could actually be asexual 

talk to him about it - and the I agree with ellentonboy you have to decide if you can be happy

would an asexual relationship be fulfilling for you?

or you can have an arrangement where x number of times a month you can go out and have sex with other guys

if he really is a great sweet guy- you need to be honest with each other and figure it out now- before you both get hurt

 

I kind of agree with @onlyraw that he could be asexual. There was a research article that came out a few months ago in which asexual people describe their process of coming to understand their asexual identity. For many of them, they did not even know that asexuality was a thing so many identified with a sexual orientation that best matched their romantic (but non-sexual) feelings/orientation.

Another possibility is that he may have experienced some kind of sexual abuse or trauma. Research shows that many survivors struggle with sexual intimacy after experiencing sexual abuse or assault. I am not saying this is the case, nor do I suggest asking him because that could be awkward and bring up feelings of shame if he did experience something like that. I am simply pointing it out as another possibility to why he may not want to be sexual.

Regardless of his reasons, you definitely need to have a conversation with him about it if you are not feeling satisfied and feel like cheating. I know that being honest about your feelings in this situation is hard, but it really is for the best. My husband and I are doing the long-distance thing while I am in my graduate program, and I told him at the beginning of the year that I was feeling so sexually frustrated that I wanted to cheat. He did not like hearing that, but I needed to be honest cause holding those feelings in was making everything worse for me. Plus, once it was out there we could deal with it together and come up with ideas to deal with our sexual frustration.

Hopefully, you can both have an honest conversation and meet each other where you are both at right now. Maybe that means breaking up and going your separate ways or working out some kind of arrangement, but either way you won't know until you talk to him about your feelings. Plus, you'll feel a hell of a lot better knowing where you stand with him.

[PigBoyDallas]

It sounds like there's more going on with him than he's sharing, and you both need to be very open and honest with other about what you want. He could be the victim of sexual assault or perhaps has never had sex and is scared of it. If you've not seen him naked he may be ashamed of his genitalia on account of a deformity or previous teasing/humiliation. I've also know guys who had very huge cocks who were embarrassed about it because that's all guys seemed to ever want to talk about. But what you're describing isn't a normal relationship and he's using kindness to deflect the deeper truths from being revealed. Not all guys are sexual animals and that's OK and normal. But you are a sexual animal and that's normal too. But the differences in attitudes towards sex will ultimately but you in conflict. Sure, you could cheat on him without telling him, but that will end the relationship eventually. He may be fine with you have sex with other guys but you need to get his agreement to that before you go and do it. But I would be honest with him about how you feel about him and open the door for him to talk. Couples counseling would be a great idea too. But the big thing is to talk about it and be honest.