A question on etiquette: rejecting someone on Grindr

[BootmanLA]

On 8/29/2022 at 6:41 PM, topblkmale said:

Grindr is the new gay bathhouse/gay sauna especially for the younger generation. I can't imagine giving every guy I am not interested in at a bathhouse a detailed friendly reply as to why I am not interested.

FWIW, I'm not saying everyone deserves a detailed friendly reply as to why the recipient of the message is not interested. At a bathhouse, it's likely you'd shake your head "no" to someone who's putting the moves on you when you don't want him to. There's a big gap between that and ignoring someone entirely.

I'm saying that if someone reaches out politely, acknowledge them. If you know up front you have no interest, you can add "Sorry, but I don't think we're a match - good luck!" and leave it at that.

If someone pays you a compliment in their initial outreach, thank them. Again, you can add the part about not a match if you want.

If someone can only type "hey" or "sup" - that's different. I'm OK with ignoring those generally, especially if you have a quick note in your profile to that effect ("If all you can say is "hey" or "sup", I'm not responding"). But that's ignoring laziness, not ignoring "unappealing" candidates.

Turning someone down is almost never rude. But it can be rudely done, and ignoring a polite expression of interest (of any sort) qualifies for that. IMO.

[BootmanLA]

And I'll add - once in a blue moon, you might miss out on something pretty damned good. Once, about 15 years ago, a guy hit me up - he was another bottom, profile noted he was partnered and submissive, very much not my general type at all. My assumption was that his partner probably wasn't particularly dominant or kinky so he was looking for whatever partial connection he could find, and I was ready to nudge him away.

But he paid me a compliment, which I thanked him for, and then after an exchange or two of general comments, he said his partner had pointed me out and told him to contact me - that the partner (who, it turns out, WAS dominant, and all top) liked experienced bottoms and enjoyed fucking them while the (bottom) partner watched. THAT caught my attention.

And the dozen or so sessions we had, subsequently, were among the best sexual encounters I've ever had. The bottom learned a good bit about how to take care of his partner's needs, I enjoyed serving as the demonstrator model, and all because I didn't ignore a bottom paying me a compliment one night.

No, that's not going to happen often. It may not ever happen for you. But who knows what you've missed out on? 

[onlyraw]

On 8/30/2022 at 9:16 AM, ellentonboy said:Yes, it can be embarrassing if it goes off at  an inopportune (sp?)  time (like waiting it line at Publix) but generally what I have found is the only people who recognize those sounds are those that are already on the app.   So what if some guy smirks at you, it's probably happened to him at some point.  I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.......

 

Or who knows- maybe it is the guy one check out  line over at Publix …. 😉

I can remember when I first got Grindr I was trying it everywhere, amazed at the guys who were on and close by…..

(And back in my younger days the A&P in Bostons Back Bay was the “cruisey” place to go shopping before we had the apps)

[Philip]

Thank you everyone for the overwhelming response to my poll question. I have read every single comment and it was nice to see such a broad range of opinions and it is clear that there isn’t a one-size-fit-all solution to this common problem that most of us share.

I have came to a conclusion on what I will do about this problem from now on:

1. If I simply receive a ‘hey’ message and I don’t think we are a match, I will ignore the message. A generic ‘hey,’ ‘yo,’ ‘sup?’ message in this case is the equivalent to a ‘like,’ ‘woof,’ ‘hot’ button.
2. If I receive a ‘hey’ message and I like what I see or read on their profile, I will reply with a ‘hey’ back and see what it goes. Perhaps add a ‘How is your day going?’ for good measures.
3. If I ignore their ‘hey’ message and they send another ‘hey’ message a few days later, I will reply with ‘Sorry, I am not interested message.’ If they continue to message me, it is time to block them.
4. If I receive a compliment of any sort, or any message outside of the single word ‘hey,’ I will reply with a ‘Thank you,’ followed by a ‘Sorry, I am not interested,’ if I am not interested, or start a conversation if I think we are a match.

 

[topblkmale]

46 minutes ago, Philip said:

Thank you everyone for the overwhelming response to my poll question. I have read every single comment and it was nice to see such a broad range of opinions and it is clear that there isn’t a one-size-fit-all solution to this common problem that most of us share.

I have came to a conclusion on what I will do about this problem from now on:

1. If I simply receive a ‘hey’ message and I don’t think we are a match, I will ignore the message. A generic ‘hey,’ ‘yo,’ ‘sup?’ message in this case is the equivalent to a ‘like,’ ‘woof,’ ‘hot’ button.
2. If I receive a ‘hey’ message and I like what I see or read on their profile, I will reply with a ‘hey’ back and see what it goes. Perhaps add a ‘How is your day going?’ for good measures.
3. If I ignore their ‘hey’ message and they send another ‘hey’ message a few days later, I will reply with ‘Sorry, I am not interested message.’ If they continue to message me, it is time to block them.
4. If I receive a compliment of any sort, or any message outside of the single word ‘hey,’ I will reply with a ‘Thank you,’ followed by a ‘Sorry, I am not interested,’ if I am not interested, or start a conversation if I think we are a match.

 

Just an observation, but #3 will cause you to have quite a few Inbox Messages in your queue for a few days that you will need to go back to, review the profile and follow-up on.

 

I like #1, but I would add (swipe left and delete).😀

[polyglutton]

On 8/30/2022 at 3:31 AM, tallslenderguy said:

Reading through the responses here, find it interesting how the net and online experience is different than 'IRL'.  Lol, even that acronym: "IRL" and many others, have come out of online culture. Is online not "real life?"  i digress.

i find it noteworthy that some ignore, or do not respond with even a few words or polite reply, because it would somehow be a gross waste of their time to acknowledge another human being who has reached out to them, Of course, they do not put it that way, nor do they likely think of it that way... i doubt the same people who do this would respond similarly IRL.  

i think the  online experience promotes a sort of detached, drive thru experience where we have been conditioned to have it our way, have it now, or not at all. The person on the other end has become a commodity, or a service, and if they do no meet our criteria, we ignore or delete them as, not a person, but a disqualified product. 

The IRL scenario you are referring referring to in which one gay or queer man would approach another is specific, usually in a place and time where this sort of interaction could be expected. However a phone is pretty much totally decontextualised; the recipient could be anywhere, doing or feeling anything. It's not natural, normal, or reasonable to expect random strangers to always respond, and always respond in real time, or even respond in a way that we want. We have no idea what they're dealing with. 
 

Take this as sign that you need to expand your creative imagination and your emotional generosity.
 

Laugh, shrug, nod, or whatever helps. but don't judge others by your own experiences, because to treat these aa universal is missing out on an important lesson about life. 

[tallslenderguy]

12 hours ago, polyglutton said:

The IRL scenario you are referring referring to in which one gay or queer man would approach another is specific, usually in a place and time where this sort of interaction could be expected. However a phone is pretty much totally decontextualised; the recipient could be anywhere, doing or feeling anything. It's not natural, normal, or reasonable to expect random strangers to always respond, and always respond in real time, or even respond in a way that we want. We have no idea what they're dealing with. 
 

Take this as sign that you need to expand your creative imagination and your emotional generosity.
 

Laugh, shrug, nod, or whatever helps. but don't judge others by your own experiences, because to treat these aa universal is missing out on an important lesson about life. 

The use of qualifiers like "some" vs. use of qualifiers like "always" is an effort to avoid inference of "universal standard," but ultimately, one cannot control how a reader takes what is written.

i agree, generally speaking, "a phone is pretty much...decontextualized," but would disagree that it can be simultaneously "pretty much" and "totally."   The use of the qualifier "totally" seems to turn that into a "universal standard,"  and that may lack "creative imagination" and "emotional generosity." On the other hand, this thread is about the "etiquette of rejecting someone on Grindr."  To me, that gives "context" to this discussion. i don't believe this discussion is about "random" text messages, but about guys on a gay site ("Grindr"), that has "specific" purpose. i copied this from the Grindr site: "Our Mission: Connect queer people with one another and the world."

"Take this as sign that you need to expand your creative imagination and your emotional generosity...Laugh, shrug, nod, or whatever helps. but don't judge others by your own experiences"  Maybe consider following your own advice.

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by tallslenderguy

[ellentonboy]

On 8/31/2022 at 2:50 PM, onlyraw said:

Or who knows- maybe it is the guy one check out  line over at Publix …. 😉

I can remember when I first got Grindr I was trying it everywhere, amazed at the guys who were on and close by…..

(And back in my younger days the A&P in Bostons Back Bay was the “cruisey” place to go shopping before we had the apps)

Did you just mention A&P?  I lived near one in Philadelphia, my friend from high school who was gay worked, and then managed it.  There were so many gay men coming into this "family" area of NE Philly, it was a great place to cruise and I literally just had to walk a few blocks.  THOSE were the days!

[Sfmike64]

23 minutes ago, ellentonboy said:

THOSE were the days!

Those were the GAYS. (I'll see myself out).