Why is it so difficult to accept that someone is gay?

[MoonDreamer]

I won't eve stop wondering about this. I like fucking with guys, why am I to be blamed? I hate hearing that it's a choice, it's not. I didn't choose being a man, being gay or being ginger. But I love all these characteristics of mine no matter what. My heart decided to beat faster when I see someone that I like and my body hair react when I'm touched by a guy. Am I a sinner for that? Me and my pal, we nearly grew in the same house. We were always there for each other. And now? Because I like dudes and not women I am dispeakable? Is this such a hideous crime? Should I be drown in the misery of being forever single or of that of a fake-straight marriage? That would make me loveable in my pal's eyes? I love my bf, he's what helps me go on in my life. That, I wanted to share with my pal, which I cherish as a brother. But that was too much to ask for. I'm just a [banned word] for him. I'm a woman in disguise, or an imposter. I don't look feminine, I do things that "straight guys do" and thus I'm a faker for him. It hurts so much. I was the groomsman in his wedding, I lived that relationship from when he met her till she became he wife. We went together on that. But I was alone with my bf. Nobody to ask. And now? I revealed the truth and what I got in return? Got punched and insulted for what? For just loving a guy? I'm furious, I'm hurt. I don't know which is stronger.

He knows me since forever yet now that my "true nature is revealed" I am part of a gay-network (in my country many people believe that somehow gay guys have a network that support each other), that I have a secret fantasy or turning into a woman, that I have infectious diseases (at least 3-4) and that I tricked him and secretly craved for him. I don't care what god, priests, uneducated people and medieval zombies have to say. Why can't people think for themselves? You know someone since he was a child, why does he turn to a stranger because he likes guys? Why did you never wonder why is he single? I'm so so so.... don't know what word may I use. But I feel so...

[BlindRawFucker1]

I am so sorry to hear that things went badly for you.

 

Unfortunately, some people can’t handle it.  It makes them question their own sexuality.  They can’t think for themselves and follow what society at large says about the LGBT community.

 

You learned, I’m sorry to say, that your friend and yourself weren’t as close as you may have believed.

 

There is a chance, that after he has a chance to really think about it, it might occur to him, that you are the same person as before.  He just knows you better.  He knows the “real” you.

 

He should feel honored that you chose to tell him.

 

Give it some time.  He might have second thoughts and want to talk with you.  If so, take the opportunity and say to him what you said here.

 

I’m sure that others will chime in and give their opinions.

 

Even though it might look like it right now, not all hope is lost for your friendship with him.

 

Hugs

[hntnhole]

20 hours ago, MoonDreamer said:

I won't eve stop wondering about this.

First, MoonDreamer, I'm so very sorry you went through all of this.  It's truly inhumane.

The fact is, that some folks are too weak in their own self esteem to accept that there are other perfectly normal folks that are innately drawn to want sex with their own gender.  We can debate the root causes, but the effect - regardless of the source - is the same.  It's a terrible event to be rejected by someone we care for because of our inborn nature, but it happens over and over and over again.  The fact that he lashed out at you upon discovering your true, inborn nature would indicate a low level of self confidence or self esteem in your friend, yet that is often the case.  

No matter how difficult it is to accept, there's still a lesson we can learn when this kind of thing happens, that being our own power to forgive the perpetrator of the abuse.  Once that's accomplished, you can gradually allow this poisonous memory to fade, and learn from the experience.  We can grow into better men ourselves, after something like this happens.  Since it seems that an in-person conversation might be avoidable, maybe you can write him a carefully crafted letter, explaining that you're unwilling to carry his learned hatreds anymore, and you hope that some day, some how, he can overcome his hateful, unfounded fears. 

And then, simply forgive him. 

He may not read it, but that's not the real point: the healing point is that you wrote it, mailed or delivered it, and he cannot harm you anymore.  You don't need to go into all the details of the injuries; he knows what he's done.  Maybe one day he'll even ask you for your forgiveness.  But don't let that anticipation prevent you from moving on with your life. Put his hatreds in a drawer you hardly ever open, and let them sit in that dark drawer all by themselves - be done with them.  There's a huge, wide, wonderful world out there, waiting of you to experience it.  

There are many, many caring guys on this site, and when one of us is harmed, we're all harmed too - so please let us know how you are progressing. 

Best of luck, and we're all rooting for you. 

[Guest]

When I was a younger child I had a medical condition that required me to be in a brace. I was amazed at people who I thought were my friends, how they turned mean and ugly and teased me. I was fortunate to learn at a young age about hate and bigotry and meanness.

That was how I chose to process it. And from that point forward the only people who have been included in my life were those who take me for who I am, the whole me. And it became a non-negotiable for me.

40 plus years later I'm a gay athlete. I cycle between 150 and 200 miles per week. Fuck them. They lost out on having a great fun meaningful relationship/friendship in their life.

It's important how we process things. We can't change others but we can change our lives. Look forward my friend.

[MoonDreamer]

21 hours ago, BlindRawFucker1 said:

I am so sorry to hear that things went badly for you.

 

Unfortunately, some people can’t handle it.  It makes them question their own sexuality.  They can’t think for themselves and follow what society at large says about the LGBT community.

 

You learned, I’m sorry to say, that your friend and yourself weren’t as close as you may have believed.

 

There is a chance, that after he has a chance to really think about it, it might occur to him, that you are the same person as before.  He just knows you better.  He knows the “real” you.

 

He should feel honored that you chose to tell him.

 

Give it some time.  He might have second thoughts and want to talk with you.  If so, take the opportunity and say to him what you said here.

 

I’m sure that others will chime in and give their opinions.

 

Even though it might look like it right now, not all hope is lost for your friendship with him.

 

Hugs

You're right. Some people just can't take it. It shouldn't be that much of a deal though. Every stupid homophobic guy says that he's cool with gay people as long as they don't provoke. Even worse they say that they can do whatever they want in their bedrooms. Thing is, my boyfriend. everyone's boyfriend is not someone that lives under the bed. At social events I want to bring my boyfriend, I don't want to pretend that I'm single. I don't want others to believe that I believe that I'm a [banned word] and I just "hide" my sick side. I love my boyfriend and I'm proud of him

 

36 minutes ago, hntnhole said:

First, MoonDreamer, I'm so very sorry you went through all of this.  It's truly inhumane.

The fact is, that some folks are too weak in their own self esteem to accept that there are other perfectly normal folks that are innately drawn to want sex with their own gender.  We can debate the root causes, but the effect - regardless of the source - is the same.  It's a terrible event to be rejected by someone we care for because of our inborn nature, but it happens over and over and over again.  The fact that he lashed out at you upon discovering your true, inborn nature would indicate a low level of self confidence or self esteem in your friend, yet that is often the case.  

No matter how difficult it is to accept, there's still a lesson we can learn when this kind of thing happens, that being our own power to forgive the perpetrator of the abuse.  Once that's accomplished, you can gradually allow this poisonous memory to fade, and learn from the experience.  We can grow into better men ourselves, after something like this happens.  Since it seems that an in-person conversation might be avoidable, maybe you can write him a carefully crafted letter, explaining that you're unwilling to carry his learned hatreds anymore, and you hope that some day, some how, he can overcome his hateful, unfounded fears. 

And then, simply forgive him. 

He may not read it, but that's not the real point: the healing point is that you wrote it, mailed or delivered it, and he cannot harm you anymore.  You don't need to go into all the details of the injuries; he knows what he's done.  Maybe one day he'll even ask you for your forgiveness.  But don't let that anticipation prevent you from moving on with your life. Put his hatreds in a drawer you hardly ever open, and let them sit in that dark drawer all by themselves - be done with them.  There's a huge, wide, wonderful world out there, waiting of you to experience it.  

There are many, many caring guys on this site, and when one of us is harmed, we're all harmed too - so please let us know how you are progressing. 

Best of luck, and we're all rooting for you. 

I'm mostly angry because he can't think for himself. Gay guys are bad but he doesn't really know why. I'm a gay guy and he didn't take a moment to say hey he's my childhood friend why do I reject him because he fucks with other guys? I was sick of being the forever single guy. I have my bf the past 7 years for Christ's sake. I think I'll follow an advice from a paris hilton video "if you're not having fun, just leave". 

[evilqueerpig]

I feel bad for what you're going through.  People can be cruel and you don't deserve to be punished for your honesty.  Let me tell you about my own experience.  For the most part, people accepted me being gay as just another part of me,   There were 2 who didn't and I said I told them, if you refuse to be a part of my life, get out of my life.  Harsh, yes, but it was best for me.

[hairyone]

Continue to be true to yourself.  You will grow and change constantly through life.  Friends will come and go.  That's neither good nor bad.  It's just part of life.

Oh, BTW, when some straight guy is so naive to think that I would be attracted to him just because I'm gay, I tell them, "You're not my type.  I like my men butch."  Then I smile as their head spins. 

[tallslenderguy]

The good news is, it is not difficult for many, maybe even the majority? of people to "accept that someone is gay."   

Unfortunately, you happen to be in a culture that suffers from extreme ethnocentricity, and worse, has "God's" seal of approval. 

Some religions are very ethnocentric. Lot's of inbreeding and isolation helps ensure ignorance. i get it, i came out of a similar situation. i now joke: "being gay saved me from "God.""  What really happened is being gay is reality for me and, though i spent a big chunk of my life trying to do what "God" wanted, and trying to be who i 'should be,' trying to be straight was a lie for me, it was dishonest and unreal.  It took awhile for me to realize that it was not being gay that was wrong, but it was the fucked up ideas i'd been conditioned with by people who believe they know "God" and what "God" thinks and feels.  It took me a long, long time to realize that what i thought was "God" was really just other peoples ideas about "God" that i had been conditioned to believe were "God."  

Sadly, these people, your 'friend,' equate their beliefs with "God," so to them, rejecting those ideas feels equal to rejecting "God."   It was hard for me to escape that conditioning, and hell, i was gay and had that strong drive to help me. i figure it must be really hard for someone who does not have a strong reality i their life that goes against their ideas and condiioning, to actually get free of it.

Personally, i see it as a cult, but one that has become sort of mainstream.  When i accepted myself, i literally lost everything. A sizable estate that i had worked my entire life to build, went to my former ("God" believing wife). i lost all my friends because, hey, they were all part of the same belief system and they were not going to associate with a 'rebel'  like me who had turned his back on "God" just so he could get fucked by Men. But the universe, or whatever it is, proved to be on my side. i don't deny the pain of rejection and loss, but i gained freedom, honesty, and peace. Ironic about the "peace," because the religion i was part of claimed that it gave "peace that surpasses understanding."

 i had nothing but pain, shame and guilt when i was a part of that system.  Since leaving that behind, i have rebuilt and i am one happy, peaceful cocksucking faggot.  Something else that can come with digging out of this landfill is understanding. i understand so much more about human nature and people in general as a result. The poison can be turned to medicine. 

best to you babe. 

[BootmanLA]

There is a film, based on the play of the same name, called "Torch Song Trilogy". In it, the protagonist has great difficulty with his mother (not a best friend, but still) accepting that he's gay and his life is his own to live. When things reach the boil-over point, he tells her:

“There's one more thing you better understand. I have taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing, build furniture - I can even pat myself on the back when necessary - all so I don't have to ask anyone for anything. There's nothing I need from anyone except for love and respect and anyone who can't give me those two things has no place in my life.”

I get how important this guy was in your life prior to this. But if he can't deal with you "as you are" then maybe he just doesn't have a place in your life going forward. Mourn it, if you want, but it's his loss.

[hntnhole]

2 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

by people who believe they know "God" and what "God" thinks and feels.

This is the crux of the issue, as far as I'm concerned.  If there is a deity (and I rather think not), there are weak minded people who have decided there absolutely definitely is, they are "in touch" with the deity, what the deity wants, the deity has blessed them and those like the problem in the OP, that's enough for some misguided folks to decide to tell other's what to do, what not to do, blah blah blah.  Institutions have risen and fallen in service to this notion of an all-powerful "something" off in the clouds, handing down tired, worn out old antiquated strictures, and those folks can just go fuck themselves. They're already living in a hell of their own making, and I refuse to be dragged down into it with them.  

The husband of one of my friends is so Roman Catholic it would make the Pope himself blush.  It didn't stop him from fucking every living, breathing guy he possibly could for all these years, but it does get to be a bit much listening to him go on and on about all the magical confections the RC's have dreamed up through the millennia.  I almost hope there really is a hell with 30 or 40 rings of fire or whatever, so all his energy wasted on this silly business wouldn't be in vain.  He even said to me once, that when he gets to Heaven, he's "going to look up" my life partner, and get acquainted.  Of all the gall ... if that ever comes to pass, my partner will kick his ass and then some.  Lately, he's trying to atone for all his wayward behavior all these years by shoveling dough to the guys in Long Dresses and Ruby Slippers - hoping he can buy an indulgence, I suppose.  Sometimes, I can barely keep from laughing out loud.

Edited November 6, 2022 by hntnhole

[MoonDreamer]

18 hours ago, evilqueerpig said:

I feel bad for what you're going through.  People can be cruel and you don't deserve to be punished for your honesty.  Let me tell you about my own experience.  For the most part, people accepted me being gay as just another part of me,   There were 2 who didn't and I said I told them, if you refuse to be a part of my life, get out of my life.  Harsh, yes, but it was best for me.

It was the first time I was sincere about that so it hurts much. I still can't get it. Most people want sex and love, especially guys. I would be really worried if I had a friend that apparently he had no bf/gf or at least some sex dates. I would be sad because he would be lonely. Maybe I'm on the easy side of that, because being straight doesn't need any form of acceptance, but I would be glad to meet my friends boy/girlfriend.

 

17 hours ago, hairyone said:

Continue to be true to yourself.  You will grow and change constantly through life.  Friends will come and go.  That's neither good nor bad.  It's just part of life.

Oh, BTW, when some straight guy is so naive to think that I would be attracted to him just because I'm gay, I tell them, "You're not my type.  I like my men butch."  Then I smile as their head spins. 

It's just that he was my all time friend. We were playing together before even going to primary school. We were sleeping together, hanging around at parties, studying together, going vacations together. I was always there for him and we were discussing about his love affairs. He would ask me about why I don't have a gf. He had concluded that I was a crazy scientist that had fell in love with his science (which is true I love it). I thought (silly me) that he would have guessed about my bf. But no he hadn't. He punched me in the face and called me fagot.

 

17 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

The good news is, it is not difficult for many, maybe even the majority? of people to "accept that someone is gay."   

Unfortunately, you happen to be in a culture that suffers from extreme ethnocentricity, and worse, has "God's" seal of approval. 

Some religions are very ethnocentric. Lot's of inbreeding and isolation helps ensure ignorance. i get it, i came out of a similar situation. i now joke: "being gay saved me from "God.""  What really happened is being gay is reality for me and, though i spent a big chunk of my life trying to do what "God" wanted, and trying to be who i 'should be,' trying to be straight was a lie for me, it was dishonest and unreal.  It took awhile for me to realize that it was not being gay that was wrong, but it was the fucked up ideas i'd been conditioned with by people who believe they know "God" and what "God" thinks and feels.  It took me a long, long time to realize that what i thought was "God" was really just other peoples ideas about "God" that i had been conditioned to believe were "God."  

Sadly, these people, your 'friend,' equate their beliefs with "God," so to them, rejecting those ideas feels equal to rejecting "God."   It was hard for me to escape that conditioning, and hell, i was gay and had that strong drive to help me. i figure it must be really hard for someone who does not have a strong reality i their life that goes against their ideas and condiioning, to actually get free of it.

Personally, i see it as a cult, but one that has become sort of mainstream.  When i accepted myself, i literally lost everything. A sizable estate that i had worked my entire life to build, went to my former ("God" believing wife). i lost all my friends because, hey, they were all part of the same belief system and they were not going to associate with a 'rebel'  like me who had turned his back on "God" just so he could get fucked by Men. But the universe, or whatever it is, proved to be on my side. i don't deny the pain of rejection and loss, but i gained freedom, honesty, and peace. Ironic about the "peace," because the religion i was part of claimed that it gave "peace that surpasses understanding."

 i had nothing but pain, shame and guilt when i was a part of that system.  Since leaving that behind, i have rebuilt and i am one happy, peaceful cocksucking faggot.  Something else that can come with digging out of this landfill is understanding. i understand so much more about human nature and people in general as a result. The poison can be turned to medicine. 

best to you babe. 

God is right, so if you say otherwise you are wrong because he is right. You can't speak sense to a rock, can you? Which if you take it from a really religious perspective (I'm talking about Christianity) it is not clear. God said to love other people but in some texts it mentions that gays would go to hell. That's because every narrow minded guy pretended to be divinely inspired so his writings were correct. But if you pretend to be the religious guy you should know that God loves and forgives. That's what God means to me. Everything else including murder and hate speech are stupidities of ignorant people. These people just look for a socially acceptable motivation to spread hatred and even do harm (from my perspective).

16 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

There is a film, based on the play of the same name, called "Torch Song Trilogy". In it, the protagonist has great difficulty with his mother (not a best friend, but still) accepting that he's gay and his life is his own to live. When things reach the boil-over point, he tells her:

“There's one more thing you better understand. I have taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing, build furniture - I can even pat myself on the back when necessary - all so I don't have to ask anyone for anything. There's nothing I need from anyone except for love and respect and anyone who can't give me those two things has no place in my life.”

I get how important this guy was in your life prior to this. But if he can't deal with you "as you are" then maybe he just doesn't have a place in your life going forward. Mourn it, if you want, but it's his loss.

That's so sad but true. If you can't evolve you will extinct. I won't stop being gay, but he will stop being my friend. It's sad because it's for no reason.

 

14 hours ago, hntnhole said:

This is the crux of the issue, as far as I'm concerned.  If there is a deity (and I rather think not), there are weak minded people who have decided there absolutely definitely is, they are "in touch" with the deity, what the deity wants, the deity has blessed them and those like the problem in the OP, that's enough for some misguided folks to decide to tell other's what to do, what not to do, blah blah blah.  Institutions have risen and fallen in service to this notion of an all-powerful "something" off in the clouds, handing down tired, worn out old antiquated strictures, and those folks can just go fuck themselves. They're already living in a hell of their own making, and I refuse to be dragged down into it with them.  

The husband of one of my friends is so Roman Catholic it would make the Pope himself blush.  It didn't stop him from fucking every living, breathing guy he possibly could for all these years, but it does get to be a bit much listening to him go on and on about all the magical confections the RC's have dreamed up through the millennia.  I almost hope there really is a hell with 30 or 40 rings of fire or whatever, so all his energy wasted on this silly business wouldn't be in vain.  He even said to me once, that when he gets to Heaven, he's "going to look up" my life partner, and get acquainted.  Of all the gall ... if that ever comes to pass, my partner will kick his ass and then some.  Lately, he's trying to atone for all his wayward behavior all these years by shoveling dough to the guys in Long Dresses and Ruby Slippers - hoping he can buy an indulgence, I suppose.  Sometimes, I can barely keep from laughing out loud.

You are so right. I think all that resembles to disney's adaption of Hunchback of Notre dame. A lyric said "judge Claude Frollo longed to purge the world of vice and sin. - And he saw corruption everywhere except within". He hated sinners but he wanted to fuck with a gypsy (while he already had committed murder) and when he was rejected he tried to burn her alive. That's hypocricy.

[tallslenderguy]

2 hours ago, MoonDreamer said:

God is right, so if you say otherwise you are wrong because he is right. You can't speak sense to a rock, can you? Which if you take it from a really religious perspective (I'm talking about Christianity) it is not clear. God said to love other people but in some texts it mentions that gays would go to hell. That's because every narrow minded guy pretended to be divinely inspired so his writings were correct. But if you pretend to be the religious guy you should know that God loves and forgives. That's what God means to me. Everything else including murder and hate speech are stupidities of ignorant people. These people just look for a socially acceptable motivation to spread hatred and even do harm (from my perspective).

 

Fundamentalist Christianity (or any fundamentalism really, fundamentalist Islam justifies bombing and killing 'sinners' using the same exact attitude toward their bible), is not a faith based belief system, though they think they are. Instead, they treat their ideas about the bible as knowledge.  They call the bible "The inerrant word of God," and "the truth," but what they are actually doing is calling their interpretation of what they read "the word of God."  What they have done is elevated their own perceptions to "God" status.  They do not see that it is they who have decided that the bible is the "word of God" as is their perception of "God."  It's truly bizarre how they leave their self out of the equation when it comes to assigning stuff to "God."  

The hypocrisy of fundamentalist Christianity is endless. So many of the fundamentalist leaders today have used "God" to get rich, for instance, and there is a whole lot more in the bible about money than there is about guys having sex with each other.  Even one of the most popular bible portions used against gays condemns more of the preachers using them than it does the gays they are using them against, these verses rank "greedy" right along with the gays these mega church preachers are condemning. This is from I Corinthians 6:

"...you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters. 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

[hairyone]

3 hours ago, MoonDreamer said:

He punched me in the face and called me fagot.

🤬

You don't deserve ANY type of violence.  STAY. THE. FUCK. AWAY. FROM. HIM!

It is a a loss and I'm sorry for your loss.  But, not only did HE grow to not being a good friend, he's not a good person.  Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[tallslenderguy]

3 hours ago, MoonDreamer said:

It was the first time I was sincere about that so it hurts much. I still can't get it. Most people want sex and love, especially guys. I would be really worried if I had a friend that apparently he had no bf/gf or at least some sex dates. I would be sad because he would be lonely. Maybe I'm on the easy side of that, because being straight doesn't need any form of acceptance, but I would be glad to meet my friends boy/girlfriend.

It's just that he was my all time friend. We were playing together before even going to primary school. We were sleeping together, hanging around at parties, studying together, going vacations together. I was always there for him and we were discussing about his love affairs. He would ask me about why I don't have a gf. He had concluded that I was a crazy scientist that had fell in love with his science (which is true I love it). I thought (silly me) that he would have guessed about my bf. But no he hadn't. He punched me in the face and called me fagot.

 

Fuck, this makes my heart ache to read. i know, i have been there, the childhood friend as well. i even had a crush on my childhood friend. 

What you are experiencing and learning is what it means to be different in a world that considers it's ways to be the only right way to be and live. It is perplexing, rightfully, that those you love and want to be friends with, do not love you back.  It really is central to much of what is wrong with this world, narrow, small minded people who cannot grow beyond their own sandbox. What is wrong is not you, just because you are different, but them. If you were in a position to do so, it might help if you moved, left these people behind, and started over again. Find a place where there are more gays and where gays are more accepted. It may be a hard thing to do (i did it), but in the long run, it pays off.

[NEDenver]

Moondreamer, you also mention that things are this way in your country.  Some countries are very hostile to LGBT people, mostly because scapegoating is a good way for authoritarians to maintain power.  You are under no obligation to risk your safety.  If the potentially former friend can cause you harm, then please make a plan for your safety.