Talking to your partner about prep

[viking8x6]

On 2/5/2023 at 1:26 AM, Bbpally said:

Anyone have any advice for talking to your partner about possibly going on prep to open up the possibility of bareback outside of the relationship?  Been with the same wonderful dude for four years. And we've been open and closed.  

We've shared fantasies. He knows my kink and how piggy I am.  I've asked him if he would watch(and participate) in a gang bang with me getting filled up.  He said yes.  But unsure if it was a just in the horny moment sort of answer. 

From that second paragraph, you're clearly in communication. Even a "just in the horny moment" answer is an answer, and it's clear that both of you would consider a bare gang bang and do find it hot. Therefore, I think you have little to fear.

In your shoes, I'd bring the sex up first - because PrEP is an obvious conclusion once you get the sex on the page. I'd bring it up at a time when you're not doing especially sexy things, so it can't be an "oh, we were just in a horny sexy mood". Something like, "Hey, you remember last week (or month) when we were talking about a gang bang? Well, I'd be interested in actually doing some things like that for real..."

[hotguy02]

On 2/5/2023 at 11:08 AM, PozTalkAuthor said:

 

Honestly I don't really understand your partner's position... I'm poz undetectable too; with my neg partner we're currently monogamous and play bareback, but we have talked a lot of this issue, even with him coming with me to my doctor. 

For now he's not on Prep, but I really have nothing against it if my guy one day would tell me he'd go for it; it's HIS health, HIS body. And in case he wants to open the relationship Prep is the first thing we would think about. Well, if he wanted to take it without us to open our relationship "officially", I would have nothing against that decision as it means, "if you cheat you at least think of your health". I have HIV due to cheating consequences in a before-Prep time; why should I say no! I'm undetectable, I'm safe, but if the guy wants Prep it would not mean he's fearing me; he'd be rather protecting himself, and that's his right.

Thank you for your advice yeah I have asked him a couple times if I should get on prep every time he says that I shouldn't because I am not taking anybody else's loads I've known him 15 years he is the one that took my virginity the first time he fucked me he fucked me raw and unloaded inside me he was negative at the time years later he found out he was paused and during that time when he was starting to take his meds he did not have sex with me until after he was tested undetectable he then said that prep was not something I should worry about since I was only going to take his cum 

[hotguy02]

On 2/5/2023 at 8:55 PM, BootmanLA said:

Just be aware you are placing 100% of  your health risk in his hands. He could choose not to stay on meds without telling you. His meds could become ineffective at some point without him knowing, or without telling you if he does know. You might get raped at some point by someone who is both positive and detectable.

This is all in addition to the fact that (in my view) someone who is that controlling over your being in charge of your own health is a huge red flag. Yes, lots of bottoms, especially sub ones, fantasize about being controlled by someone, even 24/7. But a thoughtful, considerate dom/top should, in my view, be so protective of his bottom/sub's health that he PREFERS him to be on PrEP.

Thank you for your advice yes I understand what you're saying I know this man for many years over 15 years he is the only one that I have let penetrate me or feed me his cum I asked him one time how would he feel if he converted me and he said he would feel real bad that that is not something he wants so I do trust him I just feel that if I go and get on prep it would disappoint him although we are not monogamous I do not play with no other men but him him on the other hand he does plays with other bottoms

[1stimebare]

Get on prep.  I finally did it last year and am glad I did 

[BootmanLA]

21 hours ago, hotguy02 said:

Thank you for your advice yes I understand what you're saying I know this man for many years over 15 years he is the only one that I have let penetrate me or feed me his cum I asked him one time how would he feel if he converted me and he said he would feel real bad that that is not something he wants so I do trust him I just feel that if I go and get on prep it would disappoint him although we are not monogamous I do not play with no other men but him him on the other hand he does plays with other bottoms

I still can't wrap my head around the concept of a man being "disappointed" that his partner was taking charge of his own health. Or rather, I can't wrap my head around the idea of a *sane intelligent non-controlling* man being disappointed etc. 

It's your life, your health - take charge of it, or not, at your peril. 

[BergenGuy]

On 2/7/2023 at 7:49 PM, BootmanLA said:

Or rather, I can't wrap my head around the idea of a *sane intelligent non-controlling* man being disappointed etc. 

I was thinking the same thing.  It is great to do things as a couple, but it should result in neglecting one's own health.

[drscorpio]

On 2/6/2023 at 9:18 PM, hotguy02 said:

Thank you for your advice yeah I have asked him a couple times if I should get on prep every time he says that I shouldn't because I am not taking anybody else's loads I've known him 15 years he is the one that took my virginity the first time he fucked me he fucked me raw and unloaded inside me he was negative at the time years later he found out he was paused and during that time when he was starting to take his meds he did not have sex with me until after he was tested undetectable he then said that prep was not something I should worry about since I was only going to take his cum 

 

On 2/6/2023 at 9:20 PM, hotguy02 said:

Thank you for your advice yes I understand what you're saying I know this man for many years over 15 years he is the only one that I have let penetrate me or feed me his cum I asked him one time how would he feel if he converted me and he said he would feel real bad that that is not something he wants so I do trust him I just feel that if I go and get on prep it would disappoint him although we are not monogamous I do not play with no other men but him him on the other hand he does plays with other bottoms

The behaviors you are describing are indicative of your partner being controlling and fringing on abuse. I get that he has romantic notions about being the only person who cums or has cum in you, but he is NOT acting in your best interest. 

The most important reason for a person to be on PrEP is being a negative partner in a serodiscordant relationship. I know he is undetectable, and I know U=U. But to have his meds be the ONLY barrier between you and contracting HIV is simply negligent in a world where PrEP exists. Accidents can happen (eg he forgets to take meds or bring them on a trip). Also, people can become resistant to meds over time. Normally, this isn't a big issue; his doctor would just adjust meds at his next checkup. But it would be a huge issue, if he infected you while his meds were not working. 

The second most important reason to be on PrEP is having sex with multiple partners. The CDC and WHO both recommend ALL men-who-have-sex-with-men who have multiple partners to take PrEP. "You don't take loads from anyone else" is not a justification. There are enough stories about broken condoms and stealthing on here to make that point. The majority of people I personally know who are poz became poz when I condom broke usually with a partner who thought they were negative at the time. 

[VersGuyAnon]

On 2/7/2023 at 3:20 AM, hotguy02 said:

Thank you for your advice yes I understand what you're saying I know this man for many years over 15 years he is the only one that I have let penetrate me or feed me his cum I asked him one time how would he feel if he converted me and he said he would feel real bad that that is not something he wants so I do trust him I just feel that if I go and get on prep it would disappoint him although we are not monogamous I do not play with no other men but him him on the other hand he does plays with other bottoms

Do you think you might be tempted to have sex with other men, especially considering that he does? 

Edited February 9, 2023 by VersGuyAnon

[hotguy02]

4 hours ago, drscorpio said:

 

The behaviors you are describing are indicative of your partner being controlling and fringing on abuse. I get that he has romantic notions about being the only person who cums or has cum in you, but he is NOT acting in your best interest. 

The most important reason for a person to be on PrEP is being a negative partner in a serodiscordant relationship. I know he is undetectable, and I know U=U. But to have his meds be the ONLY barrier between you and contracting HIV is simply negligent in a world where PrEP exists. Accidents can happen (eg he forgets to take meds or bring them on a trip). Also, people can become resistant to meds over time. Normally, this isn't a big issue; his doctor would just adjust meds at his next checkup. But it would be a huge issue, if he infected you while his meds were not working. 

The second most important reason to be on PrEP is having sex with multiple partners. The CDC and WHO both recommend ALL men-who-have-sex-with-men who have multiple partners to take PrEP. "You don't take loads from anyone else" is not a justification. There are enough stories about broken condoms and stealthing on here to make that point. The majority of people I personally know who are poz became poz when I condom broke usually with a partner who thought they were negative at the time. 

Thank you so much for that advice personally I do not want to be HIV positive I'm going to talk to him this weekend about me getting on prep I just hope he supports my decision

[hotguy02]

2 hours ago, VersGuyAnon said:

Do you think you might be tempted to have sex with other men, especially considering that he does? 

I am tempted to have sex with other men but I am a very loyal person and I love him although he plays around with other guys I remain loyal to him I think he doesn't want me to get on prep because he doesn't want me to mess around he thinks if I get on prep I will be cheating behind his back

[BergenGuy]

On 2/8/2023 at 9:54 PM, BergenGuy said:

I was thinking the same thing.  It is great to do things as a couple, but it should result in neglecting one's own health.

Big oops!  That was supposed to read "It is great to do things as a couple, but it SHOULDN'T result in neglecting one's own health."

[VersGuyAnon]

8 hours ago, hotguy02 said:

I am tempted to have sex with other men but I am a very loyal person and I love him although he plays around with other guys I remain loyal to him I think he doesn't want me to get on prep because he doesn't want me to mess around he thinks if I get on prep I will be cheating behind his back

He seems to care about himself much more than he does about you. You have to look after yourself. 

[hntnhole]

20 hours ago, hotguy02 said:

he thinks if I get on prep I will be cheating behind his back

and, if your sn is any indication, you probably will.  Restrictive facets to a relationship usually aren't productive; inclusive facets usually are.  Please take advantage of all the advances in the medical arts, and get on PReP.  Test regularly for the lesser bugs.  And have a much sex with him as you/he wants - with other guys too, for that matter, if each of you is horny for extra action. 

The open relationship vs closed isn't the main issue:  protecting your health is .

[hotguy02]

Thank you everyone for the advice.   I am going to talk to him about it and get on prep.     I feel like im going against his will but I hope he understands

[Guest]

I thought I would come back and update.  

 

We had a long talk about a lot of things (it's so important to communicate in a relationship) and we both realized that we have both thought about prep independently.  

 

We talked about desires and what we want and all of that.  We both are piggy as heck and want to do all the things.  

 We didn't want to make a decision right then because we wanted to really think it over and touch bases again in a couple of weeks.