Has the Meaning of Sex Changed for you lately?

[LetsPOZBreed]

So, I need to talk about this in a safe space.  I wonder if others of you have started to feel this way recently, and are willing to share your thoughts.  (Even if you don't feel this way, I'd love to hear from your as well!)

So, since all the COVID and MPX nonsense of the last few years, I'd become very skittish around the idea of just hooking up indiscriminately like I used to.  Felt like no one was really worth the risk of either of those diseases - yes, I know that sounds somewhat disingenuous from someone who is HIV+ and an avowed member of the "raw is law" crowd.  Initially, I thought after all of the lockdowns were behind us in a few weeks or months, I'd be back in the saddles (or slings) and back to my old cum-loving self...

But things didn't really spring back to normal, and we weren't really able to (safely) meet up for this type of stuff for longer than expected.  I'll admit that I wound up getting a far bigger porn addiction than anything I'd had previously...it was really my main sexual outlet, outside of the posts and reads on here.  Turns out to not be the healthiest addiction out there, and has been a hard one to kick.  Over time, though, a funny thing happened...

After a while, I found myself spending way too much time on the various tube sites (before some were shut down, or had their content massively purged).  As time went on, I found my interests devolving more and more into the more intense aspects of sex and kink videos....got really into watching spanking/CP vids, "home intruder" role plays, etc.  My own personal thoughts shifting toward those as well....but unfortunately not being in any position to act on any of this.  Eventually, though, things started to shift to a sense of normality...and I managed to indulge in some man-to-man action on occasion.  It was, well...

...mediocre, to say the least.  Without going into too many specifics, I had a mix of top encounters and bottom ones.  Nothing particularly bad; just "meh..."  Not to say that the guys were of poor quality; I just felt like I wasn't able to really connect and get into the moment as easily as I used to.  I did the first thing many of us would do in those situations and immediately thought that it was something wrong with me.  I wasn't good enough, my body wasn't good enough, my technique was no longer good enough - all of those negative emotions that come far too easily.  After a few lacklustre experiences, I threw in the towel.  I decided against meeting up for any play for a few months until I was able to get into a better mental space.  That turned out to be a Pandora's box of emotions, though.  All of that negativity came washing back, and created this constant feedback loop that didn't serve to make me feel any better about myself.  

Eventually, though, that started to turn.  While, yes, I do still have those remnants of negativity swashing around my brain, a funny thing happened.  I realised that all the time away from mindless action made me think about what it really is that I wanted from my sexual encounters....a deep connection.  I'm not saying that I have to fall in love with the man on top of me (or beneath me), but have that kind of intimate, non-verbal desire that is present from that initial moment and building all the way through to the intense climax.  Nowadays, when a guy messages me to tell me how many loads he has and if I want to contribute more - I just don't engage.  Same goes for guys messaging me to bottom for them, but demand I be blindfolded and pre-loaded - just not my thing any longer.  If it's not eye-to-eye, mouth-to-mouth, body-to-body action, it just doesn't stir any desire within me.  As a result, the volume of responses I get on the various sites and apps has dropped considerably.  While that may sound disheartening, it doesn't really bother me much in reality.  Basically, I'd rather wait for a good experience, rather than just the next one.  

So, yeah...I feel that the seeming trend of cumdumping, gangbanging, and H-n-H sessions just isn't my scene and that I've become a bit of a minority among the bareback brotherhood.  There are times where I wonder if I'm alone in this, though I know that's likely not the case.  Looking forward to hearing others thoughts and stories here.  Bit of a long post from me, but I know through my years on this community that this has been a safe space for me to talk about these sorts of things.

Edited February 8, 2023 by LetsPOZBreed
Spelling corrections

[gingerdaddyG]

Well put @LetsPOZBreed  I’ve been feeling similar to you recently too and thinking it was just me, but I’m not anywhere near as excited by sex post lockdown as I was pre lockdown. I’m not necessarily looking for love or a heavy relationship, but a connection would be nice. Don’t get me wrong - I’m still having random encounters, but I’m not walking away thinking ‘that was great, wish it didn’t have to stop’. Don’t know how to ‘snap out of it’ or if I’ll feel differently if I just keep going as I am or what. And I still like getting fucked, it’s not that I’m off sex - I just can’t explain it properly. 
 

Thanks for posting - it’s reassuring that others are feeling similar things 

[LetsPOZBreed]

Thanks for the reply....I wouldn't go so far as to say that sex doesn't excite me anymore...far from it; I just get excited by connection more.  

[PozTalkAuthor]

No, you're not alone, and my sex life has changed considerably, in years. 

From my twenties when I started to have sex -both top and bottom-, I've always considered myself "the monogamous type" and had a few relationships. One ending up with a HIV positive test at age of 37; but the extremely "binary" mindset I had, influenced me. Boolean we say in computer jargon. Zero is false, One is true. So, after some time sexless after pozzed, I started having meaningless sex. Not anonymous, but "don't ask don't tell" with regular fuckbuddies, met just for sex, and a beer at the most. 

Same with my last ex; zero, or one. Open relationship, or nothing. The result has been in a false sense of happiness, then we came out with mutual poz kink, although in the end pandemic and lockdowns deteriorated our couple. 

In short, we ended up to live together and be fuckbuddies with poztalk, a fetish I persuaded myself I couldn't share with anyone else, except sexting buddies on this site. 

Now? With my current guy? I've re-discovered the joy of being intimate with a person I love, and who loves me. A person who cares for me entirely and not only wanting my member inside or his inside me, or didn't want the curiosity and fun of a kink. He wanted and wants me, as I am. 

I'm re-discovering how monogamy can be interesting too, with the right person. His warm skin, his breath becoming fast or slow depending on what's happening between us, knowing each other from body language... 

An intimacy that no random hookup would give me; never been into it! Never been into gangbangs or similar... 

I also had an experience with a girl while my ex and me were in deep crysis. My best friend. She's like a sister for me and that experience made me realize what I wanted from sex. Intimacy and trust. 

Now, with my current guy, I seem to have found it. 

I let random encounters and hard violent sex acts, to people who love them. I don't, even in fiction I am rarely reading those. 

[cannero]

Definitely relate: for about 6 months prior to the pandemic I had reasons to reduce the sex. I'm single and not necessarily looking for a partner (too old to change, been there, done that, lone wolf and happy sort of thing). But in my frenetic sex life involving regular attendance at various venues over the years, I had acquired a number of guys that I could fuck with and chat with. Sex venues with bars like Boltz or Vault do give you the space to chat easily without killing the vibe for others still cruising, so you can catch up or introduce yourselves properly (nice arse, that was a good fuck, my name's such and such btw. Do you come far etc).

What I learnt during covid when the bar scene was closed was that I had quite a lot of brotherhood intimacy to coin a phase. Hate social media so wasn't able to connect with a load of guys because I used to do it face to face with a pint every month or so. Very much missed that, and the opportunities to cruise nearby just involved random fucks with no strings attached in cruising areas with largely straight guys, and I came to the conclusion the sex was a bit cold and just not for me. Now of course, I can go to the venues and catch up, but I think it is an after effect of the pandemic that I have lost my social muscle, and generally aren't fussed. But the context is that I have been sexually active for over 40 years and a) have done everything I want and more and b) don't feel deprived and have come to the conclusion not much sex isn't the negative option compared to plenty of intimacy free sex with plenty of guys who are around.

A caveat to add though, is that if you are younger and hornier and lost a couple of years of slutty behaviour in your pime because of covid, I wouldn't expect those guys to have my world view at all. Good luck to them and bend over as much as you like or plow whatever is in front of you. I often wonder though, as a gay man of the AIDS generation who was unscathed, whether the lack of a large older generation above me who were sadly decimated, meant I was denied more role models of out guys aging comfortably and perhaps having a view similar to that posted above.

[PozTalkAuthor]

13 hours ago, LetsPOZBreed said:

Thanks for the reply....I wouldn't go so far as to say that sex doesn't excite me anymore...far from it; I just get excited by connection more.  

Understand you completely.

I've never been into anon sex, or random encounters but lately I'm realizing that emotionless sex for me is also meaningless.

Not only in real life but also reading stories here, from when I started to read BZ fictions I turn on mostly reading when there is a sort of emotional connection among characters - not necessarily love; almost finding boring stories with guys taking cum for the sake of it, without remembering who, what and when.

I think life goes through phases: now we need this. Has the pandemic caused it all? Maybe yes, maybe not, talking about me I can say I feel like this because I'm currently in love. Or, without going too deep...

I'm step by step coming close to my 50th birthday. 2025 is just behind the door, so, what should I look for, again? I feel to have everything, and random sex gives me nothing. 

 

[wbekk85]

i've been feeling the same thing for a while now. casual sex isn't as fun as it once was. the excitement of hooking up in a public restroom, a park, an abs, disappeared with the invention of hookup sites. going to a hotel room or house to fuck some random hookup in a pump and dump isn't fun. there is no imagination or excitement, no possibility of being caught in a public or outdoor space, which can heighten the intense feelings of doing an anonymous hookup. i find it more fun to fuck a close friend in an outdoor space or public restroom, or even going to an abs into the booths and fucking each other through the gloryholes. at least i know i'm going to have fun with that friend and that there is no need to feel nervous or fear for my life if i accidentally hook up with a lunatic. i think society is going to go through a burnout soon like we did in the 1970s, since we're mindlessly drinking, drugging, and fucking so much. i don't want another repeat of the 1980s when the evangelicals capitalized on AIDS and whipped the world into a frenzy of fear and hatred, but i do want a return to sex on a more intimate level than what we're seeing now.

[backtails]

I feel less like the number of guys I fuck is my score, the only measure of how well I'm doing at the gay.

Now I don't want to fuck guys I'm not attracted to. I've done a lot of that. They're into me, they have an ass, I fuck it, I get a point. I guess age is a factor here, but it's also how the pandemic showed me you can't die of horny, at least as long as you fully take care of draining your own balls. That is, you don't need to actually fuck.

So the line has shifted when I make a decision on whether I try to hook up, and I only want to fuck hot guys for now. That's harder to achieve than just fucking.

[Pozguyinchi]

I do feel the sexual landscape has changed. I feel it has for me only because of the men that seek out my services has. For me sex has always been like air. I need it or I feel I may die. I will say the men I have been hooking up with as changed. Prior to hooking up it was about 98% anonymous. I now have more and more fuck buds. Men that after they breed me want to talk more and have a sort of relationship. I find most very interesting and it has made the sex more connected. It may be a new phase I have entered or it may be that men have changed how they serve their needs. Either way it seems like a natural evolution. 

[hntnhole]

18 hours ago, LetsPOZBreed said:

what it really is that I wanted from my sexual encounters....a deep connection.

Congratulations, LetsPOZBreed.  I'm very pleased that you've discovered that there can be a lot more to Breeding than just fucking. Not that "just" fucking isn't fun - it is - I love doing it.  But, on those occasions when a *real connection* happens, it's awesome.  

It doesn't happen every time - or even close to every time we fuck.  But, it does happen enough times to make the so-so Breeding worth the while.  I can have a great time rutting in Holes in the fuckjoints, and not "connecting" with another man's mind, heart, soul - just with his Hole.  That's reason enough for me to hit the fuckjoints/backrooms.  But there's little of emotional, spiritual, brotherhood, human-focused value - it's just plain old Lust - and there's nothing wrong with exercising that too.  A plain old fuck is like ordering a burger & fries at some restaurant.  But being a part of that magical "connection" is like receiving a plate of ambrosia instead; a lovely surprise.  

Congrats - you "get it" !!!

[hntnhole]

6 hours ago, cannero said:

I wouldn't expect those guys to have my world view at all.

Neither would I ... younger guys should have as much as they want/need*.  I think it takes a bit of "seasoning" before guys realize that there's more to be experienced than shooting/taking loads.  

*obviously, every guy should take advantage of all the preventative medications first.  The last thing we need is to go back to those endless "celebrations-of-life" we had to suffer through for several years.  

Edited February 9, 2023 by hntnhole

[bihairy]

I find myself sticking with more buds generally. More of a connection I guess.

[VersGuyAnon]

At the moment I'm very happy to have totally anonymous, random casual sex in the sauna. In fact, I much prefer it to 1-1 meets in someone's place. 

Once upon a time I was only into vanilla monogamous sex. At some point I realise things might change again. I'm an older guy and right now I just want to make up for lost time, which means being a slut for a while. 

[NWUSHorny]

I haven't changed much if any in the last 25 years. I definitely enjoy random hookups, as well as ongoing fuckbud types of situations (which seem to be exceptionally difficult for me to find where I've lived for the last 16 years but have continued maintain them in places I visit frequently). Even though I love random hookups, I've never been a huge fan of glory holes, darkrooms or blindfolded partners, I'll settle for that if that is all that is available but it isn't my preference.

Unlike several of you, the area I live enjoyed a period of pent up demand for hookups after the COVID vaccines became available. While it seems to be well on it's way to returning to normal for this area, there is still more random hookup sex available than most of the time. I've also had some really good luck traveling, not necessarily at the same venues as before the pandemic, but I still seem to have fairy good instincts in sniffing out decent spots in most cities.

[Guest]

I have found over the years enjoying sex, whether it was with a group of people, a couple or a 3-Way, that sex was only as fun as much as I invested in it. I have always had a high sex drive and unfortunately had paired myself in the past, with boyfriends who wanted sex for a hot minute, but then didn't really want sex anymore. I tried to talk about it to these ex's, opening up the relationship or trying to have more sex, but their not wanting to have sex anymore was meant to be, that I was not to have sex anymore as long as I was with them. That will never happen again. In both past cases, I found out that my ex was having sex with somebody else cuz he was bored with me. When I realized I wasn't getting sex anymore, not that this should justify anything, I took matters into my own hands and made safe choices and had affairs on the side, so I took care of my needs.

The relationship I have now I am very thankful for, because we are married we are open and we are polyamorous. It takes effort, a lot of communication, but we get our needs met whether it's together or with people that we approve for each other. I have had meaningless sex and it's meaningless and it is only fun for a hot minute. I'm a sensualist. I am very erotic with my sex. I love my husband, who is sexual but he just doesn't have the type of drive I have and it's okay because we talk about it. We understand one another and mw makes sure each one of us is happy.

Now with that said, I've had play buddies that have only been over once maybe twice, however the guys that keep coming back, we actually spend at least an hour and a half, no lie, and kiss, we touch we make out and breed. I love body hair for a reason, because I enjoy the tactile sensation. I eat ass. I make sure that my play buddy gets their orgasm before I do. I talked to them and  I find out what they like and they don't like. I encourage them to open up. The stories get boring after a while when you realize it's meaningless there was no direction with the sex ....it was just a dump and go. .....Boring, sad and meaningless.

Maybe some people like not being of value, maybe some people don't have value in themselves, therefore having meaningless sex doesn't bother them, because there's no meaning to begin with. I assure you however, I understand my meaning in life. I understand what sex represents. I understand what love represents. I know how to please and love another and enjoy seeing the other be happy and enjoy their body. I understand what being sexual represents, and I refuse to settle on that notion.

I come on this website to share, be open and honest about learning growing and being mature about undetectable and poz men. I refuse to have reckless meaningless sex for myself, because I need to be responsible, so I can be meaningful in my life and have meaningful sex. I enjoy expressing love to another; that doesn't mean I'm going to marry somebody and leave my husband.

Essentially what this all boils down to, is that I feel sorry for people who think meaningless sex is enjoyable, because in the end it's not and it just makes people miserable whether they want to admit it or not. As I go along writing my stories, I am going to be developing connections with the main character and his multiple main love interests. The fantasies and the touch and the desires will be there. I want people to read my stories and know that you can have meaningful sex and be poz. You can have meaningful sex and be undetectable.

You have to make the conscious choice to learn to be sexual love yourself and know how to love others responsibly. It can happen...you gotta want it...we can't make it happen for you.