Sex drive crash

[leatherpunk16]

Since summer of 2022, I have noticed a gradual decline in my sex drive. Initially, I put this down to depression following IML 2022 when I came home without recording a single video despite many plans to do so. I turned 42 in late July, and was sick with Covid immediately after because of my dumbass roommate. My experience was rather mild - the barest of symptoms for a single day, but kept producing positive tests. And from my bathhouse adventure on July 22nd to December 5th, I had sex with no one at all. I couldn't even be bothered to jack off. It just didn't interest me. Twitter porn was uninteresting to me. BZ stories and bugchasing aroused no energy in me. I was cast to make a video for Steamworks, and I had to force myself to get ready to bottom in it for weeks leading up to the event. 

Last February, I got a boyfriend after nearly a five year widowhood. He is considered attractive by many, and it took a while for me to be interested in sex with him. When we finally did the deed - all two times - I was surprised to find myself not interested in it. I've seen my doctor about this. We thought it might be low testosterone, particularly after I messed with my hormones during an intense anabolic steroid cycle in the 2021-22 period. But my numbers look fine, and are actually higher than expected. So that's not it. And I can still get it up and shoot a load if I choose to. 

I finally did make a new film over IML weekend this year, but that didn't do anything for me, either. My boyfriend finally called me out on it, and said that I'm not sexually attracted to him. And he's right. But with all that sexy male energy at such an event, I didn't feel attracted to ANYONE. There were certainly men who were "my type" at the event, but I didn't do one thing to pursue them or put myself in any situation where I might have a little fun with them. I just couldn't be bothered. Getting load or seeding that hole just wasn't important to me.

And as a porn star, I see this as a HUGE problem. Sex is what we promote, and I ... (sigh) just don't do it. I'm practically celibate. 

Anyone else experience such feelings? Is it burnout? Getting older? Boredom? Maybe psychological? If so, what put me in that spot? A friend suggested I might be in my asexual period. This doesn't bode well for my boyfriend or my career choice. And I need to solve it FAST. Anyone got any good ideas?

[viking8x6]

Ouch, that's really terrible!

Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you for sure that depression can do that to you. My understanding is that it's actually a pretty well-known symptom of depression. So if you are still having trouble with that, it could well be at fault. And (also first-hand) I can tell you that depression can fool you by abating somewhat without being really gone - you feel sort-of OK and think you're "well", but your perceptual calibration is off because you've been in hell too long. So if you're not getting treatment for it, please do! It can definitely steal your life.

Other things I can think of that might contribute: Covid aftereffects / long Covid; shift in diet/exercise/self-care; shift in body/brain chemistry. Aging can do it too (and is notorious for that), but IMO you're not so old that I would expect it to.

Hugs and Tugs! Hope you can find some relief - sooner rather than later!

[NWUSHorny]

My 1st question is how much time are you spending outside of Seattle and the greater PNW? I know you mentioned going to IML, but wonder how many days you spent in Chicago. Seattle and the greater PNW is known for seasonal affective disorder depression, and my personal observation is that once the sun does come out in the summer sex drive doesn't increase it actually drops to near zero in the bathhouses and cruising spots. I also wonder how much of it was based on frustration, I don't know how many times you went to the bathhouse between 7/22/22 and 12/5/22, but since you are in Seattle I'm not at all surprised they were all sexless. Did thing pick up in December, they usually do here, or had you given up hope by that point? Even with my my hyperactive sex drive an evening of watching a large group of gay men do nothing but parade around naked in a blue ball no mating dance for a few hours can keep me from getting hard and being able to cum for a full day.

I'm not sure what to think about the situation with your new boyfriend, but can't help but wonder if he hasn't been suffering from a low sex drive as well. Having sex only twice since February and he is still around either makes me think he is either suffering from a low, but not as low as yours, sex drive or he has been conditioned by the Seattle gay culture to think having sex only a handful of times a year is perfectly normal.

For me at least, I find myself not seeking sex when I'm at home in Portland, more from frustration rather than lack of desire, but I do get a big boost to my libido when I travel outside of the PNW, and the longer I'm away the more pronounced it becomes.

[WAGoodTime]

Could it be that sex has become "work"?  I have read, at least 3 articles which interviewed porn actors, who spoke of  having a period of time like you are experiencing.  They expressed that sex had become "work" and a turn off even, getting to a point where there screen partners noticed the lack of interest.  From what I recall there solution was to take regular breaks from work and sex to focus 100% on the things outside of sex that bring them joy, a reset or re-centering. 

[norefusal]

i went thru a somewhat similar phase from about 50 to 57. its hard to pinpoint an exact cause and perhaps it is more of a perfect storm. 

suspect #1 i start high blood pressure meds at this time and soon coupled them statins. 

suspect #2 itd been married and monogamous for 13 years and had hit my runners wall with the gay porn version of groundhog day that closed relationships are

suspect #3 a combo of #1 and depression. we moved back to my hometown and i feel it was a big mistake. it wasnt just my husband i no longer wanted to fuck- the whole idea of sex was like "ew! are people still doing that?" i actually thought when we moved here "thank god everyone is so ugly, i wont be tempted to cheat" but now i readily fuck those exact same guys 

then one ffreaky friday, something unexplainable happened and my middle aged dad bod suddenly became possessed with the libido of a teenage boy. 

[ErosWired]

Some of the things that come to mind have been mentioned above, but I’ll echo:

1. Blood pressure. I have a regular Top for whom his blood pressure is a major barrier in his general sexual outlook, and not just from an ED standpoint.

2. Depression. This can be pernicious, and depending on whether its circumstantial or clinical, may or may not be something you’ll get significant relief from in the short term. You can, however, deal with it on a symptomatic and cognitive level. Be aware - some of the medications that treat clinical depression aren’t going to help your libido. If you haven’t been evaluated for depression, you may wish to consult your doctor about it.

3. Stress. The big libido-killer. The worst of it is, the more stressed you get about not feeling sexy, the less sexy you’ll feel. You may want to evaluate the stressors in your life (it sounds like you have some) and check into ways of destressing.

4. Burnout is a possibility, I would think. When you engage in an activity of the sensory intensity of intercourse frequently, you will become desensitized to various aspects of the stimuli. I have found this to be true myself - I am not nearly as turned on by the average fuck as I once was, simply because of the been there, done that factor. It takes increasingly extreme experiences to engage me sensually (which is not unlike the effect of substance abuse).

[leatherpunk16]

Thanks for your careful replies, gentlemen. I'll answer a few questions, maybe add a few more details. 

Almost every time I see my BF, it's usually late in the day. He'll pick me up from my workplace, take me home, and then he drags me out to a social event I really don't care to attend. Usually fetish night or something, and we don't really spend time together there. We just happen to be in the same place with a soundtrack that makes conversations nearly impossible, and with people I don't see anywhere else and form no bond with. The bar has never been my scene. At least he's respectful of my boundaries, and when I say I'm ready to go, we go. So when do we really have time for sexual activity? We had a full week for it, but we were doing different things at IML: volunteer stuff, networking, decompressing, and I had a film to make. If I have sex with him, it is forced on my part because, as a BF, there's an expectation and obligation to do so, and not because I'm not horny. He wants "the whole package" - the emotional, the physical, the mental - and I am missing a piece. It really has very little to do with him, or whether I'm sexually attracted to him (I'm not). But I wasn't sexually attracted to my late husband, or the ex before him. I was also considerably younger in those days, and had a very unique situation that allowed those relationships to flourish. 

But I never get to leave the PNW beyond that once-a-year pilgrimage. I'm here all the time because my job demands it. I'm surprised they let me have a long week away. Where would I go? My first thought it to make more vids while I'm in a location, and I thought we were going to not work. And one call inevitably leads to another, and here I thought I'd have time to enjoy the view. LOL

My blood pressure is actually consistently low. When I see the doctor, the nurse who examines me almost always remarks how low it is. That's been my whole life, but I haven't always been this legarthic in my sex drive. I can still get my dick up, but images and videos and stories don't do it like they used to. I've got hard as steel reading some of the BZ fiction, but lately, nothing. (That may be an internal commentary on the quality of some of the available reading.)

I'm also not feeling depressed, at least not lately. I recognize I have a lot of good going for me, and I feel good on many days. The grey skies of winter indeed contributed to depression, but the summer just started - usually the best time of the year for me - and that can't be an excuse anymore. But the doctor did suggest therapy for the depression already served, and we have not yet started on that. I just don't know what we would talk about - most of my issues are years old and affect little in the present. It's trite shit, and I can't change it. Most of it was out of my control, anyway. 

 

[akula]

I'm at that age too where my drive has vanished. I went to a Homeopath and he suggested I try a  hormone called  bremelanotide or PT141. It's an injectable that I take once in a while and when I do I notice my sex drive is increased not to mention I wake up with a hardon, which is nice too. I order it online, just my 2 cents.

[viking8x6]

1 hour ago, leatherpunk16 said:

He'll pick me up from my workplace, take me home, and then he drags me out to a social event I really don't care to attend. Usually fetish night or something, and we don't really spend time together there.

Well, that sounds like a fairly unpleasant experience. Not that it directly explains your overall loss of libido, but it could certainly contribute to your general happiness (or lack thereof) and mood.

 

23 minutes ago, akula said:

I went to a Homeopath and he suggested I try a  hormone called  bremelanotide or PT141.

I looked this one up - quite interesting! It's an analogue of a natural hormone that's involved in regulating melanin production in the skin. Which, of course, is connected with sunlight... and, upon some further digging I found, also thyroid regulation of the metabolism.

@leatherpunk16, if you haven't checked thyroid and vitamin D levels, that's definitely worth doing.

[leatherpunk16]

First, it's called a Homo-E-path. LOL

And two, I get plenty of vitamin D. Sunlight, multivitamins, and even D-3 pills. That's helping my mood and energy levels, but not sexually. Still, the suggestion is valuable, and one I had not considered. Thanks for that.

I just don't feel sexual. Maybe it really is mental, and not something physical or physically lacking. 

[rookie-69]

my guess would be depression.  it can last for years unresovled.  You mentioned therapy, and studies show this does help.  Also medication might be an option.  Some medications that treat depression destroy sex drive, but others have shown to actually increase sex drive like Wellbutrin. 

One other thing for me, and I don't think this is uncommon, is that having sex consistently actually increases my sex drive significantly, especially if it is with a partner I care about.  I don't think you should do anything you don't want, but perhaps just try having regular sex with your new partner, even if at first you might not be into it.  Your body can get into feedback loops, and changing the patterns can signal to your body to feel a different way.

[hntnhole]

3 hours ago, viking8x6 said:

Which, of course, is connected with sunlight... and, upon some further digging I found, also thyroid regulation of the metabolism.

@leatherpunk16, if you haven't checked thyroid and vitamin D levels, that's definitely worth doing.

When my life-partner passed, I fell into a similar situation.  The main reason of course is obvious, but the potential remedies are similar.  A prescription for V. D3, helped, and the kindness and understanding of a few close friends helped.  The lack of sunshine in Chicago (it's cold, dark, unpleasant for 4 months), and when there is sunshine, it's too damn cold to go outside to soak it up, and one can't go shovel snow wearing nothing but a pair of shorts either.  So your location could have something to do with it.  

I can't say I completely lost interest in fucking guys, but for a couple of years it just wasn't all that it had been.  Have you suffered a loss of some kind?  That can bring a sense of loneliness that - while not completely factual - can still bring depression.  The almost constant contact with *real* friends (meaning not just fuckbuds), helped a lot, meaning that they forgave me "in advance" for being mentally elsewhere, and just rolled with it.  But what I can say is, moving to an area with permanent summer has really helped.  It sounds like you're tied down by your day job though.  

Since your sexuality has played such a dominant role in your business-life, I can easily see how one domino can lead to another, then another, and presto - we find ourselves in a hole it's tough to get out of.  Are there any other interests that might help?  For instance, concerts, theatre, art, dance, lectures, exhibits that might interest you?  The "fresh start" angle?

I really hope you can re-set and, if not actually overcome, then at least come to terms with the situation.   Best wishes.  

 

[ErosWired]

The more you tell us, the more I keep coming back to the notion of burnout. For most people, sex is a distinct facet of their lives, distinct from their activities in work, non-sexual recreation, family life, travel, and so forth. It has its place. It is enjoyed in moderation, and thus adds spice to life.

For you, sex is not only your sexuality, it’s also your work, it is a significant consideration in your relationship, it is a part of your travel - in short, it saturates your life. Your life has become so spiced by it that everything tastes the same and you no longer appreciate the spice. You do not experience sex in moderation - even if you’re not feeling sexy, or aroused, or having intercourse regularly at all, you find yourself confronted by it so frequently that it causes you distress.

This is not to say that depression, stress, or other factors may not be exacerbating the issue, but you might consider whether your life simply needs a balance that it’s lacking.

Ironically, when I first read the title of your topic, ‘Sex drive crash’, I thought it was going to be about the disaster of you losing an entire hard drive worth of porn. If you were reporting this problem simply as a porn addict, the solution would be simpler. But the sticky question is, how do you approach your situation in the rather singular position of an adult performer?  You have your livelihood to consider.

Edited June 8, 2023 by ErosWired

[BootmanLA]

To all of the above, I will add this: you suggested in one reply that you "don't feel depressed", but depression is a lot more complex than simply "feeling depressed" (or at least, it certainly can be). I'm not a therapist or mental health professional, but I do know depression can have both a mental and a physical (ie body chemistry) component. So, for instance, when you have a situation that seems to have no resolution - like having a partner in whom you're not interested sexually, with whom you seem to have significant differences in interests - the result can be depression even if you don't "feel depressed". As another example, you mention that you can't travel due to work constraints, except for very rare occasions that may be hard to negotiate. That, too, could be having a depressive effect that you just haven't identified as such.

It's worth having a complete screening done for that. You might find that there are a lot of factors you hadn't considered affecting your mental outlook, and those may be manifesting themselves sexually more than any other way.

[dadbodcumdump]

I’ve had a drop in libido too.

Before pandemic I was taking loads regularly.

 I think the lockdown and funky stuff happening in the country is a downer.

But to be honest, I was trained to be a great cumdump and I still want to be a better load taker. I didn’t get to be a No Load Refused cumdump or true cumdump. 
it’s important that I make myself available and hunt for loads as a good cumdump should. 
The best times of my life were when I was well-used, cummy, gaping and cruising for sperm. 
I hope you get through your funk.