Advice on how to prevent premature ejaculation and be more confident when topping

[JesseAaron1385]

When I started having sex I was traditionally the bottom. I feel this can be attributed to the fact that I am a passive and submissive person rather than an actual desire to be a bottom. Well, at this point in my life I can't bottom due to a combination of various reasons and situations so I am trying to become more of a top in order to maintain a satisfying sexual life. However, I am very shy about topping and have very little confidence when I do get the opportunity, I either cum too quickly or I tend to get lost in my head and overthink every little detail (finishing too quickly, making myself last longer, is my partner enjoying, ways I can be better, what I can do differently, etc) which results in performance anxiety. I have tried:

• Numbing spray with lidocaine - didn’t really do anything
• Numbing lube with benzocaine - more numbed their ass than my dick or numbed too much and couldn’t keep my wood
• Jerking off and cumming before sex so I’m not so sensitive
• Slowing down and pausing to prevent myself from cumming
• Wearing a condom - made it impossible for me to stay hard and cum
• Thinking of distractions/daydreaming - this just leads to me losing my wood
• Focusing on other things around me like music or the tv
• Wearing a cockring - they are generally uncomfortable and make my balls ache but this only results in me once again losing my wood
• Antidepressants - didn’t really do anything
• Downers - just resulted in not being fully hard and making it impossible for me to cum
• Stimulants - didn’t affect my ejaculation any other than making me sweat and feel like I was running a marathon trying to catch my breath
• Being stoned - this was fun but did nothing other than make me easily distracted
• Being drunk - fun but sloppy and usually prevents me from getting completely hard or cumming
• Other pharmaceutical categories like benzos, muscle relaxers, steroids - benzos do nothing until I take enough to fall asleep, muscle relaxers do nothing until I take enough to feel jello-y, steroids not sure what these would do but I’ve tried em
• Poppers - these just make my head swim until I either get nauseated or go soft
• Pain stimuli - to distract me from the feelings of pleasure
• Frequently changing positions - to differ the stimuli as well as have a mini break from the stimulation
• Relaxing myself/muscles to slow down climax - breathing evenly, releasing any tension I’m holding, basically meditating while I have sex
• Tensing my muscles - squeezing, tensing, clenching my leg, groin, and ass muscles in order to prevent myself from shooting

It seems like everything I try either doesn’t work or does the opposite, making me feel impotent, and neither of those results help me gain confidence in myself or my actions. It's really starting to get to me…does anyone have any suggestions or advice?

[yoursinmine]

I don't have any advice, I'm not sure there's much you can do really outside of what you've tried. Personally, I find it incredibly hot when he cums fast. I lot of bottoms just want to make him happy, so don't worry about it and own it. 

I'd love you fuck you

[JesseAaron1385]

6 minutes ago, yoursinmine said:

I don't have any advice, I'm not sure there's much you can do really outside of what you've tried. Personally, I find it incredibly hot when he cums fast. I lot of bottoms just want to make him happy, so don't worry about it and own it. 

I'd love you fuck you

Thanks, I really appreciate that. I know a lot of bottoms are just happy to get fucked and get a load but I can't help but feel like I should be more capable for them. I have a fear of disappointment and this one hits me hard.

[yoursinmine]

I get that. All I can say is that's not my expectation or anything I really think about. I just want to please him.

That being said, you could try edging. Fuck one end of him, pull out, spank him, toy him, make him suck your balls--anything to give yourself time and then go again and repeat

[foryouruse]

You didn’t mention if you tried anything like Cialis to help with the ED aspect of the problem, or anything with Oxytocin which some companies are combining with Cialis to keep you in the mood. Also, sertraline is often used to prevent premature ejaculation. Also, lots of guys want specific porn playing.

That said, some tops make it the bottoms job to keep them excited (it isn’t always your job). If you want them more vocal or more oral or more engaged (do your nipples go straight to your dick?).

Tops that bottom usually understand what the bottom wants, but if topping isn’t “natural” to you, think of what you want to happen to stay excited…and make the bottom make you happy.

[foryouruse]

Also, there are lots of cockrings that flex and won’t kill your balls, and then there are toys and sheaths, and there is fisting.

[Bokkierob]

I don’t overthink it. If I’m fucking a lad who really triggers my hardon - short, husky, hairy then I’m gunna cum in seconds and I just enjoy it and breed him. I don’t like holding back, I gotta cum.. Most men I’ve loaded quickly have taken it as a compliment that I’ve enjoyed their hole so much. Also wait 10 minutes and I’ll be back inside them and will last much longer.

[Olderkinkybiguy]

I make them suck the first load out of my balls. Than I typically eat their ass until I was hard again; doesn’t take long. Than I fuck and breed their ready and willing ass. Something so sexy about seeding both ends has always been a huge turn on. 

[blackrobe]

On 4/23/2025 at 5:08 PM, JesseAaron1385 said:

Thanks, I really appreciate that. I know a lot of bottoms are just happy to get fucked and get a load but I can't help but feel like I should be more capable for them. I have a fear of disappointment and this one hits me hard.

While your desire to do well by your brother bottoms is laudable, it's not necessary for a lot of bottoms for whom being bred is central to their nature. There's a thread on BZ about whether bottoms get fucked for the fucking or for the load, and I recommend you read that thread focusing on the guys who crave seed in their ass above all.

[NordicBtm]

On 4/24/2025 at 1:22 PM, Bokkierob said:

I don’t overthink it. If I’m fucking a lad who really triggers my hardon - short, husky, hairy then I’m gunna cum in seconds and I just enjoy it and breed him. I don’t like holding back, I gotta cum.. Most men I’ve loaded quickly have taken it as a compliment that I’ve enjoyed their hole so much. Also wait 10 minutes and I’ll be back inside them and will last much longer.

This is so important and all should take note. When you’re having sex you are in your physical body and nature as a man. Once you start thinking you are not. As a top you stay hard by not overthinking it and as a bottom you are a much better fuck if you’re not adding a whole layer of some esoteric shit from how your mind is interpreting things. Being present is sexy!

[sub4oralcum]

I'm a cocksucker, but if it comes to fucking, I'm 100% a bottom. When I do get fucked, I'm not looking to take his cock for any specific amount of time. I just want him to enjoy my hole and, most of all, I want him to cum! I enjoy a 2 minute fuck the same as a 5 minute or 10 minute fuck. I am totally focused on helping him cum.

In fact, the sooner he finishes, the sooner I can get another cock inside me. When he gets off quickly, it makes me me proud that my fuckhole is so pleasing to him that he couldn't hold out. That, for me, is the pleasure that I get. 1 - Taking cum and 2 - knowing that some stranger found me worthy of his cock and pleasing enough to draw out his semen. 

[norefusal]

24 minutes ago, NordicBtm said:

This is so important and all should take note. When you’re having sex you are in your physical body and nature as a man. Once you start thinking you are not. As a top you stay hard by not overthinking it and as a bottom you are a much better fuck if you’re not adding a whole layer of some esoteric shit from how your mind is interpreting things. Being present is sexy!

this!

i think why we even try chem sex is that it shortcuts the process and makes it easier to shut off all the voices and focus on the task at hand and living in the moment. 

i've tried to recapture that feeling sober and it's made me a much better bottom. 

overthinking has pretty much ruined me as a top. i've got to learn better how not to be triggered but today's climate is terrible for me. 

back in the day, you were lucky if a guy let you fuck him. since prep, suddenly the market is flooded with demanding bottoms screaming "breed me daddy!" as soon as you penetrate them. it basically throws gasoline on the fire of performance anxiety. that coupled with decades of "cuming inside is a fast pass to a grisly death" aids anxiety and the whole thing is a therapy session on steroids. nothing a good lobotomy won't cure 😜

[NordicBtm]

18 minutes ago, norefusal said:

this!

i think why we even try chem sex is that it shortcuts the process and makes it easier to shut off all the voices and focus on the task at hand and living in the moment. 

i've tried to recapture that feeling sober and it's made me a much better bottom. 

overthinking has pretty much ruined me as a top. i've got to learn better how not to be triggered but today's climate is terrible for me. 

back in the day, you were lucky if a guy let you fuck him. since prep, suddenly the market is flooded with demanding bottoms screaming "breed me daddy!" as soon as you penetrate them. it basically throws gasoline on the fire of performance anxiety. that coupled with decades of "cuming inside is a fast pass to a grisly death" aids anxiety and the whole thing is a therapy session on steroids. nothing a good lobotomy won't cure 😜

I see it too with bottoms and it doesn’t help! As a bottom you should focus on your enjoyment and physical sensation and that does not include pressuring your top or demanding he join your porn fantasy! I can also guarantee that most of those bottoms aren’t really being present but they are living out some fantasy… which is not the same as seeing the guy for who he is and being present! I should have educational workshops on this stuff to heal gays from porn culture and performance anxiety 😉 

[SuceQueue]

On 4/25/2025 at 9:50 AM, norefusal said:

this!

i think why we even try chem sex is that it shortcuts the process and makes it easier to shut off all the voices and focus on the task at hand and living in the moment. 

i've tried to recapture that feeling sober and it's made me a much better bottom. 

overthinking has pretty much ruined me as a top. i've got to learn better how not to be triggered but today's climate is terrible for me. 

back in the day, you were lucky if a guy let you fuck him. since prep, suddenly the market is flooded with demanding bottoms screaming "breed me daddy!" as soon as you penetrate them. it basically throws gasoline on the fire of performance anxiety. that coupled with decades of "cuming inside is a fast pass to a grisly death" aids anxiety and the whole thing is a therapy session on steroids. nothing a good lobotomy won't cure 😜

 

[hungry_hole]

On 4/23/2025 at 7:28 PM, JesseAaron1385 said:

I am very shy about topping and have very little confidence when I do get the opportunity, I either cum too quickly or...

I think that guys who can last a long time fucking are either "tops" or "versatile".

Bottoms tend to cum too quick, and I notice that at the sauna. I personally enjoy a quick breeding, a few strokes, unload, and gone, in less than a minute.