VersatileBreeder

Different people feel guilty for different reasons when they have sex, whether it be being gay, cheating on a partner, religious reasons, etc. It sounds to me like yours is rooted in being gay. It should pass over time. It has many times for me. My first sexual experience was with a friend of mine in my early teenage years. I felt deep shame as I was doing "gay things" with him. That passed. Now I have no shame in any sex with another guy. When I was 16, I had my first sexual experience with a girl. I felt shame because coming from a Catholic upbringing (Catholic school, church on Sundays, etc), I was always told that sex before marriage is wrong, etc. That shame passed over time. Also, when I has my first online hook up with a guy, I felt a lot of shame from that because I thought it was sleazy and dirty. That also passed. The key to getting through this shame is to try not to judge yourself for it, nor let others judge you. If others do judge you, either just ignore them or you can be combative about it (like me) and ask them what sexual things they've done lately and you can judge them back for it and see how they feel. They're probably not worth being your friend if they are judging you. Keep in mind that we all have different sexual needs and what you do sexually is your business and no one else's to judge you for.

Let me put it like this- I trusted a guy from BBRT who claimed he was neg and now, I am poz because of it. Plenty of guys lie about their status, but even worse than that, many guys don't really know their status. Even guys who are honest when telling you they tested neg a recently could very well be unaware that they have converted to poz since that last test or converted during the window period of their last test. And those guys are carrying the highest viral loads, making them the most dangerous partners to play with. Whatever way you look at it, it is risky. The only ways to mitigate those risks are to either not play around on a site like BBRT, play safe, or go on PrEP. Anything else and you're putting yourself at risk.

OMFG! I didn't even realize I did that. Ladies and gentleman, you have witnessed a fine example of how much faster my hands type than my brain actually works. Forgive me rock n roll gods for I have sinned. That's actually supposed to be Kurt Cobain, not Keith Richards. I must have typed Keith instead of Kurt and just kept it going without thinking of who's name I am typing. And in case you're wondering, I do know the difference between Keith Richards and Kurt Cobain. I'm young, but I'm not that young!

Tiger, to be honest, in my opinion I don't think it is people trying to make us feel better. Support groups, outreach and resource programs do that for us in a much more genuine and much less twisted way. I think that the people spreading this conspiracy propaganda are people who have an innate fear and distrust of governments and authority. They will twist ANYTHING they can to believe (and make others believe) that the government is out to get us and they have their own agenda. Most people who believe in one conspiracy theory also believe in many others. Do I think that governments do have their own agendas on certain issues? Of course. But am I going to believe that our government made a virus to try to kill us off and conspire with the healthcare industry to make a fortune in the process? Nope sorry. By the way, I had no clue Santa Claus is poz! Learned something today...

dickluva, it is kind of an apples to oranges comparison. You are already poz. It is likely that you should have much less fear in taking poz loads than a neg guy would. This other guy seems to believe that HIV is a relatively harmless virus that doesn't progress to AIDS and that someone with HIV can live a regular life off meds with no consequences. Obviously, someone who is neg and believes that should have no issues with taking a poz load, because there will be no ill consequences for them if they do. That was my point in saying I was thinking about testing him.

I was actually thinking of testing him by asking him if he would like my poz load. I decided not to because I grew tired of listening to him try to recruit another believer and figured it was time to stop feeding the troll.

Oh yeah I heard that too. Apparently he lives in a subterranean lair hundreds of feet below Graceland and still vacations in Vegas, blending in with all the Elvis impersonators. He's alive along with Tupac Shakur, Keith Richards, Michael Jackson, Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hoffa and plenty of others. What scares me aren't the whackjob people who sit at their computers formulating these crazy stories and pushing them out on the internet, but rather, the millions of seemingly normal people who actually believe them.

The other night I was on BBRT just glancing around and a neg bottom guy messaged me if I wanted to play. I messaged him back thanking him, but letting him know that I am poz, not on meds just yet (but soon), and don't really feel comfortable topping a neg guy at this point. His reaction was totally not what I was expecting. He responded that he doesn't believe in HIV/AIDS, but rather that it is a made up conspiracy. I asked him where the hell he got that information from and he sent me a bunch of links. Out of curiosity, I took a look at them. The links were websites preaching these paranoid, far fetched, crazy ideals about how HIV is actually a harmless virus and people progress to AIDS not because of HIV, but because the medicines that the pharmaceutical companies are dishing out to us are poisoning us. Basically, a conspiracy theory that the pharmaceutical companies make a fortune selling fear to HIV+ people and then sell us poisonous drugs that will kill us anyway. There was another article regarding how poppers kills T-cells and causes AIDS. All bullshit if you ask me. I told him that I found the articles to be extremely far fetched and asked how he can really believe in any of that crap. He basically asked me back how I can believe the information that doctors and the media feed us about HIV/AIDS to be correct. I told him I don't buy into conspiracy theories and am not going to rest the future of my health in the belief of this crap, therefore, going on the "poisonous conspiracy" meds soon. His response was, "cool, well it sounds like you drank the Kool-Aid." Ironic response as it's coming from someone who believes information that is pretty much almost cultist bullshit. Now, I'm not going to say that I don't believe conspiracies exist or that they have never happened, but I don't buy into them very easily. And all of this sounds WAY out there. I stay away from conspiracy beliefs because I feel like once you get sold into one, it's very easy to start believing that everything is a conspiracy. I have a friend like that. He believes everything is a conspiracy: 9/11 was a conspiracy of the Bush administration, the missing Malaysia Airlines flight 370 is a conspiracy, ObamaCare is a conspiracy, the Illuminati rules the world, Princess Diana's death was a conspiracy, he believes that we are watched 24/7 by satellites that can see through windows. You get the picture. Me, personally, I'd rather believe in humanity than constantly live in fear that there is some authority out there to get me. Just wondering if any of you guys ever came across this HIV hoax/conspiracy crap and if so, what do you think about it? I highly doubt anyone on this site puts any stock into it, but I am curious to know your reactions. Thanks.

Just to check in... Tiger, thanks for the article. I found it pretty uplifting. I hope that I get into the same good spirits as the writer of that article, sooner than later. Things have been OK. Last Saturday, I had another episode where I went a bit manic, but it was short lived. A friend off here actually helped talk me through it. He knows who he is... Thanks buddy! I finally got my ass into a support group on Monday. I was able to (finally) get a night off from work and go. I think apart from work, I was nervous about going, though I really had no reason to be. I also didn't really know what to expect. It's pretty much the only support group of its kind in the area and its about 20 minutes from me, so not a horrible travel. The support group went well. I always get a bit of social anxiety when I go somewhere that I don't know anyone. But these guys were very friendly and more than welcoming to me. So, I felt at home pretty quickly when I got there. As it turns out, a guy that I remember hooking up with about three years ago was there. I had a fear that that might happen, though I didn't really think that it actually was going to happen! I shook his hand as we introduced ourselves. It's hard to tell whether he remembered me or not. It wasn't a very awkward introduction, so chances are, he may not remember me. Turns out he found out he was poz only a couple of weeks before I did, so he is pretty new to the group also. The group was about 12 guys sitting in a circle in a room. We went around the room and introduced ourselves and just mentioned our names and how long we've been poz for. I am glad I went, but I didn't find it to be greatly enlightening. I probably felt that way because the main topic of the night was different ways in which we can effectively disclose status to someone whom we are dating or would like to start a relationship with. I am not terribly interested in that right now, in fact, it's probably among the least of my concerns. I can't help but think that I caught the group on a slow night and other nights probably have more of a break through effect for the guys there. So, I definitely intend on going again, though I don't think I will be there every Monday night. Therapy is the next step for me, because I think I need to talk to someone where we can hit my issues head on. It's all about finding the right one. There are a TON of LCSW's, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, etc in my area and many of them gay friendly, but I don't know which ones are really good and which ones aren't. When I worked in finance, I had this older woman as a client who was a therapist and she was a TOTAL WHACK JOB. Scatterbrained like I have never seen before. I cannot imagine sitting in a room telling a person like her my issues and relying on her to help me. Makes me think, "damn... they'll let anyone be an LCSW these days huh?" I'm sure I'll find the right one, but it will take a bit of time and research.

mike258, let me elaborate. Dirty talk and SOME name calling in the heat of the sex is one thing. But there is a line where it becomes degradation to the bottom. I get turned on when a top is fucking me and says things to me like, "you're gonna be my bitch tonight," or "you like being my whore huh?" BUT when it gets to a point where a top is spitting in his bottom's face, calling him things with a negative connotation intended, I just don't get into it. There is a difference.

In a word, yes, I do give a shit what a top does to me. I'm all about being dominated and made to serve a top, but there are limits. Some top guys are sick. They treat their bottoms like they are literally just a worthless piece of shit whose sole purpose in life is to get fucked, bred and even take a beating along the way. Sorry if this disappoints, but whereas I will let a top own my hole for a night if he wants, I refuse to be treated like I'm subhuman. That's sick shit on both the top's part and the bottom who gets off on being treated that way. I don't have many limits, but my limits are: - getting beaten up (whether it leaves permanent marks or not) - getting spit on my face and in my mouth (c'mon, that shit is gross) - anything involving blood/scat - being talked down to (a top referring to me as his "bitch" or "cunt hole" is one thing, but having a top degrade a bottom is very different). - being tied up by a guy I don't know yet. I would say these are reasonable limits. Anything else is fair game. Thoughts?

The first time I ever did poppers bottoming for a hung thick top, I remember it had a very strong effect on me. Got slightly lightheaded, face felt flushed, whole upper body got a warm sensation, heart beat increased, slight euphoric feeling. It left me with a bad hangover-like headache, which is why it was years before I tried them again. Now, I love poppers. I can sniff them like crazy when I bottom and if they are fresh poppers and I give a good sniff, they will have the effect I mentioned above. Turns me into a total slut. Only if I really go overboard with sniffing them or if they are an old bottle will I get the headache nowadays. I find that fresh poppers have the best effect and they usually keep good like that for 1-2 weeks. When I top, it's a bit different. I get that same euphoric feeling, but for about 30 seconds or so, I feel like it intensifies the stimulating sensation in my cock. There is, however, one thing with doing them when I top. I could only usually do 1 or 2 hits, 3 at the max. Any more than that, they make me lose my hard-on, no matter how aroused and horny I am. That's why when I sniff a lot while bottoming, my dick is usually useless afterward.

Being vers, I have experienced this both ways. I find MOST tops who have fucked me will usually slow down, but keep thrusting as they cum. I am not a huge fan of that because I don't feel their orgasm. It's still hot that they are cumming in my hole, but if a top actually goes deep, stops, and let's his cock pulse (and I can feel the pulse), that turns me on IMMENSELY. Because of how much I enjoy it when a top does that to me, I always extend that courtesy to my bottoms. I drive my cock deep and let it pulse hard in their hole. Bottoms will usually comment in ecstasy how they can feel me shooting in them. If they don't say anything, I usually ask, "feel that?" and they confirm that they do.

I am no more or less attracted to black men than I am to white men. Either a guy turns me on or he doesn't. Race has nothing to do with it. Though one thing I will say- throughout my years, any black man I have been with has been typically well hung. So in my experiences bottoming, that has always turned out to be a bit of a "bonus." Have I turned down black cock before? Yes. But for reasons having nothing to do with race. The same reasons I turned those guys down would have been the same reasons I would have turned down a similar guy who was white.

barefootbob, I am somewhat familiar with neurofibromatosis. If I'm not mistaken, that is what Joseph Merrick (the "Elephant Man") suffered from? I am sorry to hear that you suffer from it and I can't even imagine what it is like to struggle with a condition like that. Your response to the thread kind of smacked me into reality a bit and made me see things from a different perspective. Your statement that you're not lifeacidal and don't give a shit if you live or die kind of sent a chill up my spine when I read it. I am glad that you at least have your cats to give you a reason for living. I have considered getting a dog for a similar reason- would love to have that unconditional friend when I am feeling alone in the world. Kudos for being able to see the plusses in your life despite your condition. You were pretty accurate in guessing my age- I'm 29 (30 in two months... Yikes!). I don't want to give up. I just need the right guidance to make sure I don't. Thank you for your supporting words and encouragement ((Hugs back at you bro))

lower_bucks_bottom, your group in Philly sounds awesome! I hope that the group I am going to attend soon is as good. Thanks for the suggestion of going but I live way up in northeastern NJ near NYC. Philly is about two hours from me, so I am not sure that it makes real good sense for me to make that kind of trek to go there. But again, thank you for the suggestion.

GermanFucker, you are totally right- teaching and bartending are probably among the best jobs I could have right now. If I was still working in my prior career (banking), I probably would have literally slit my wrists by this point. That job was depressing enough in itself. But when I am teaching, my mind is totally off the poz issues. My students (high school age) are for the most part good kids and they keep me in good spirits. Same for bartending- my coworkers and my customers keep me engaged in the job and not what is weighing on my mind. I am still not sure if my episode two weeks ago was an actual suicide attempt or a gesture. At the time, I was in an altered state of mind, hammered off my ass. I didn't want to deal with life anymore at the time and the alcohol gave me the "balls" to act on it. But like I said, I am going to seek therapy soon. I have been looking at what is really important in life. Earning money for me right now is a means of survival. I just paid almost a grand for co-insurance costs for all the bloodwork I had with my ID specialist two months ago. And that was on a credit card- money I don't even have right now. Trust me, I WISH I was earning enough money right now to be able to be able to worry about the status bullshit. I had that life a few years ago when I worked in finance- designer clothes weren't an issue, had a new BMW, pricey vacations to Europe... You get the picture. But those days are gone and I am just trying to put myself back together financially as well as mentally. The rat race for me isn't about those frivolous material things, it is literally to avoid going bankrupt and keeping my credit score up.

rawTOP, though it seems like the logical course of action to go ahead and cut everyone out of my life who I feel won't be supportive to me as a poz bisexual, I am really not sure I can do it. I've spoken about my parents before and how they will react to finding out I am bi, and even worse, find out that I am poz. I owe everything to my parents. They did everything right in raising my sisters and I, but I don't feel like I can repay them by dropping this bomb on them. It will ruin their lives. I can't do that to them. I have been trying to figure out a new five year plan- what I want to accomplish by the time I am 35. I have been thinking about relocating to the west coast- more specifically southern California (Los Angeles, San Diego, or somewhere in between). I love it out there. But aside from that, I think that putting some distance between myself and my family might actually be healthy. It will give me more freedom to live my life the way I want to. I am imagining that in that scenario, I will be able to (as you said) say that "becoming poz forced me to live a life worth living."

bearbandit, I am definitely looking forward to meeting guys who are in the same boat as me. It will make me feel less alone in the world. I don't know about any retreats or anything of that nature, but once I start going to the meetings, I will be open to whatever it is that they have available.

Poz1956, I am looking forward to going to the group meetings once I get the opportunity to. As you have suggested, it should be therapeutic and stress relieving to do so.

Cumfilledbottomboi, this post was totally a cry for help. No denying that. Like I said, I had no one else I could talk about this with and nowhere else to go. My roommate (also my best friend) walked into the bathroom the morning after I had my suicidal episode two weeks ago. I was cleaning all my puke off the floor (gross, I know, sorry). He asked what the hell happened. I told him I got pretty sick from all the drinking the night before. He saw the ibuprofen pills (of which I had tried to swallow) also scattered all over the floor. He put two and two together. Without bluntly asking me if I tried to kill myself, he asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about. My initial instinct was to actually talk to him, but I just responded no, nothing I need to talk about. He asked why there were pills all over the floor and I told him I tried to take a few to fend off a killer headache from the drinking. He asked how I got them all over the place and I told him "dude, I was wasted. It was a clumsy drunken spill..." Truth is, I really did want to talk about it, but I either had to go all in and tell him I am poz, or nothing at all. I chose the latter. Wish I had the time and wish I had the money to go check myself into a facility, but it's just not going to happen right now. Therapy soon. Just need to get the time and need to find the right doctor.

hungry_hole, I have learned very quickly that shame is an overpowering emotion. Do I feel ashamed of diagnosing HIV+? Absolutely. But the shame isn't so much in BEING poz. It is more rooted in the fact that I had so much education about HIV and so much opportunity to walk away from all of the things that exposed me to HIV and I didn't. Some might even argue that I was subconsciously chasing, though I don't believe I was at all. Hopefully, therapy (whenever I get into it) will help me breakaway from those feelings of shame. I definitely don't need them weighing on me.

azguy, thanks again for the encouragement. I am working toward not letting myself be defined by HIV and not let it stop my from achieving my prior goals and dreams. I completely get that there are people that will still love me unconditionally with HIV, but I haven't gotten my head around the stigma and how I believe the people around me might stigmatize me for being HIV+. Until I get a little more comfortable with my condition, I have to keep it to myself.

sleazebugga, I am glad that your friends have gotten through the struggle of being poz and are now leading happy, uncomplicated lives. I am sorry for the loss of your friend who took his life because of his depression. Like I told libertyx, I know the gravity it puts on family and friends. I love my family and friends more than anything else in the world and I feel like no matter how bad my life gets, I just cannot put them through that grief. Sadly, at my low points in the recent weeks, that seems to have been the only thing that stopped me from taking that final step. That's not good, because if things get worse in other aspects of my life, it might not be enough to stop me. That is why I am seeking to get help in the near future. I say near future because things are status quo right now and I have a lot of crucial work matters going on that have a lot of weight on my employment in my near future. Basically, a lot of work needs to be done and a lot of deadlines met to ensure that I will have the job that I want next school year. Once I have all this out of my way and life gets a little less hectic, it's going to be my time to "do me" and get my life back on track.

fillmyholeftl, thanks for the link. I briefly looked over it. It looks like the kind of site I could spend hours reading through, so I only took a quick glance through it. Look forward to meeting you this weekend!