What is the Worst Reaction You've Received to Disclosing Your Status?

[Poz1956]

Some days an impolite response to my HIV status will bounce off like I'm armoured. Other days they cut deep and wound me right to the soul. And some are just so absolutely bizarre that they leave me stunned and shaking my head.

Certainly many are a sign of how poorly educated guys are about HIV.

Lately I've gotten a few Rejections / Reactions to my Pozzie status that have stung and hit dug a little deeper under my skin than usual.

Let's vent, and share some of them here. Tips on how to respond would be good too.

I think it would also be a "must read" for Bug Chasers who think HIV will set them free.

[Poz1956]

I have a profile I built over on Squirt as an Anti-Stigma, and HIV education exercise. It's debut was World AIDS Day.

It explains the Window Period, Undetectable, and those undiagnosed high viral load "Clean U B 2" guys, who aren't quite as clean as they thought. I feed them some other questions they might ask after "What's your status," when the reply is "Negative."

I have to admit it's not very complimentary of BareBacking. But lets face it, BB with "D & D Free" guys is how HIV is spread.

It is blunt, in your face, part rail against stigma, and part educating people about the facts of life. It's actually gotten me more hook-up offers than any "fun and sexy" profile I've used in the past. I never expected that reaction. I guess for some, it stimulated the biggest sex organ in the body -- the brain.

The piece is pretty powerfully written. Other Pozzies thank me for standing up, and saying things that need to be said. Many Neggies are absolutely stunned by the basic info they didn't know. They appreciate the education, and often ask additional questions. It's really resonated with Bi guys. I think that's great because they are the hardest group to reach with any HIV educational material, especially the small city and rural men. My post has been read by about 2,500 different people, many of them more than once. (I'm actually databasing the nicknames for stats.) Current views are standing at just over 5,300.

For profile pictures, I use posters from Anti-Stigma and HIV Awareness campaigns around the world. I rotate the primary picture every day or two, and featured campaign every couple of weeks. (If anyone can PM me links to new ones, I'd appreciate it.)

In part, the profile is responsible for my being here. I was so brain-washed about condoms that I literally couldn't understand why anyone barebacked. It sparked a conversation with another member here, which made me start to re-asses my position.

Now, to the point: There is a guy from the UK who has looked at the profile 4 or 5 times since January. After one visit, I sent a polite email thanking him for reading, and asking, just out of curiosity, how did he find it - was he travelling here soon, or was it a featured profile? Of course he ignored it and gave no response. He's got one of those Greek God bodies, with a profile picture of incredibly hot buns, wrapped in tightie whities. Clearly from his comment this morning, beneath the briefs it's 100% asshole. Interestingly, as I'm typing this he looked at the page again. Probably because he's reading my response, where I tried to give him at least a little educational information.

Here is the Hit and Run chat from this morning:

  HolodomorFood said:

I can only Assume, since you have NO PICS, that you are Hideous Looking, and probably have Karposi Sores all over you, and that Gaunt & Wasted AIDS look about you. Instead, you only post pics of posters and sex positions. Tragic :-(

(The current poster has a dozen stick figures in different sex positions, with the tag line "The more sexual partners you have, the more often you should test")

Edited April 14, 2014 by Poz1956

[Poz1956]

A 20-something, who thought I was a hot daddy said:

  Quote

EEewwww. Ick! You're sick! You should never have sex with anybody ever again.

[GermanFucker]

Probably not the worst, but the most recent: I had been chatting with this guy. A bit too slutty for my usual taste (kinda girly tattoos, too well groomed), but he had a cute face and definitely looked fuckable.

So I'm my usual straightforward self, telling him that I'd like to hook up, but I'm not in the habit of telling my whole life story before we've even met. Which makes him get even more inquisitive. So he asks me about my job, my girlfriend etc. (which I don't particularly like when it's just about fucking) and finally my status (which is fine by me).

So I tell him I'm neg (which I am) and ask him his. No answer. So I said: Hey, it's only fair if I tell you mine you tell me yours. So he accuses me of being a liar (which I'm not), lecuring me that all barebackers are by definition poz (huh?). It got slightly more surreal from there on (even though I tried my best to be friendly and have a sober discussion, trying to explain that I'm well informed and know what I'm doing) until he finally blocked me.

I don't know whether it was drugs (I suspect it might have been). Or lack of information on his part. Or just prejudice against those with a different lifestyle. All I can say is that it was truly uncomfortable and that IMHO the distribution of idiocy has nothing to do with serostatus.

[TigerMilner]

The worst reaction i have received is never hearing from him again. At least not yet. It's been over 2 years. He'll call, right?

[Bttm2go]

I have had some negative reactions when I disclose I'm most likely neg. boy the lectures. This is why I either say I'm most likely poz or that I don't care. Generally I don't bring up status and hope he doesn't either. Just works better.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

Mine similar to GermanFucker, guy accused e of lying about status, that he had not heard of PrEP and so I must be lying; then he blocked me. Whew I think I dodged a bullet there !

One of my profiles says I am open to poz guys. Someone wrote me I must be poz as well, blocked me. So I was never able to engage him in a discussion abt TasP or PrEP.

[erreth]

I have been rejected by poz guys for being neg.

[bearbandit]

London. The Block. 1994. Picture it. Okay I'll drop the Golden Girls thing. I'm in the Block (at the time the best leather bar in town and playing tonsil tennis with an American guy. We finally come up for air. In the usual vacuous conversation when your thinking about how how to get his dick in your mouth (or vice versa) he asked me what I did for a living. I replied with my usual "Oh, I took the HIV early retirement plan", usually a good way to disclose because you're joking about about it, you're comfortable with it, you know the "safer sex rules". Bastard walks off without a word, presumably in search of mouthwash for all I know. I swore then that that was never going to happen to me again (as an aside it was the first time I'd gone off with someone else with my lover around - a way of opening the gates for him to do the same). Nobody has hurt me as much as he did that night which is why I decided to be totally open about having aids (as it then was - now just different degrees of HIV disease here). Now you've got me all mad about something that happened 20 years ago I might use it for the basis for a column - I'm a regular at http://www.beyondpositive.org/

Damn good question....

[bearbandit]

  erreth said:

I have been rejected by poz guys for being neg.

Sorry that's happened to you, but a few reasons why it might have happened:

1 They may have wanted to protect you from infection even if you were saying you wanted to be pozzed up. I'm cautious around neg guys for that reason.

2 What are the laws in your state? It's a long time since I've been to America but some states seem to have laws designed to stop poz guys having sex, period.

3 From what I understand, the law can do the poz partner without a shred of proof that the other guy was even touched

4 How often do you have STI tests? Prove it: syphilis, especially, gets through and causes havoc with a poz guy's immune system. Personally I'll pass on any guy who hasn't had an STI workup and HIV test in the past three months. In the UK we reckon we've got 25,000 undiagnosed people with HIV (anonymised testing). When you compare that to 75,000 known PwHIV it's one hell of a number. People who've been sloppy about getting STI checking done are just as likely to refuse HIV testing.

For myself, I don't bareback with a guy unless he's got the all-clear from his STI clinic within the past three months (a shorter period for the guys I know that get around a lot - lucky bastards!). On top of that I need to know that my viral load is undetectable.

In short, rejection for being neg could be a self-protection mechanism thanks to the fucked up state of the law, or it could be "how long since he's been for an STI workup"? Or even "if we end up in a relationship and then split up, how likely is he to go to the law?"

It's a lot easier being neg....

[jtonic]

Im really confused about whether or not i should disclose my status right away

i got diagnosed a month ago, still awaiting a decision on when/if i start treatment

so i'm poz but not undetectable yet (but fully intend to be.. crossing fingers it works for me)

does it mean i can't have sex, even safe, unless i disclose it?? nobody would want to meet me

please i need advice

[rawTOP]

  jtonic said:

Im really confused about whether or not i should disclose my status right away

i got diagnosed a month ago, still awaiting a decision on when/if i start treatment

so i'm poz but not undetectable yet (but fully intend to be.. crossing fingers it works for me)

does it mean i can't have sex, even safe, unless i disclose it?? nobody would want to meet me

please i need advice

IMHO it depends on the circumstances. If you're ass up in a bathhouse I don't think there's a need to disclose that your cummy ass is poz. Plus, it's hard for tops to get HIV from bottoms, and if you're taking his dick and load no questions asked he should just assume you're poz. For online hookups ideally just put "poz" as your status in the profile and be done with it. Or at least an "ask me". For a hookup in a bar - that's where you might need to disclose. Know the HIV disclosure laws in your area and follow them. If it's not required legally then it's up to you. Once again it's not particularly easy to poz a top (I've fucked many poz bottoms and stayed neg). There is a greater risk if the top is uncut. But bottom line - just do what feels appropriate, and don't lie when asked a direct question.

[rawTOP]

  jtonic said:

Im really confused about whether or not i should disclose my status right away

After reading your post in another thread I'm going to change my recommendations for you... Stick to one of two things - 1) anonymous sex in bathhouses, or 2) seek out guys who specifically say they're poz or poz-friendly. In both cases there's no need to disclose. Honestly, I don't think you're ready to disclose your status to anyone yet - you'll kill the mood and it will be bad sex. So stick to circumstances where no disclosure is required.

I'd also mention that you might want to seek out guys who specifically want unmedicated poz guys (bug chasers and poz guys who are looking for a "recharge"). I think you could use the ego boost of someone who wants you exactly the way you are.

[jtonic]

im so sad about that. i NEVER went to a bathhouse. and the thought of having to cut myself off and only seek poz guys is making me depressed. so NO ONE who is Neg has a chance to being happy with me??> its so hopeless.

[jtonic]

I need to add that i WILL do everything it takes to go undetectable.

i have this strong envy of anyone who is neg right n ow.

fuck this life.